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为啥要和陌生人说话

Why you should talk to strangers | Kio Stark

【启点字幕组】
Light up the world
我们在与陌生人或是邻居
There are things we say
擦肩而过或目光交汇的时候
when we catch the eye of a stranger
一般会说点什么
or a neighbor walking by.
我们会说 你好 最近过得怎么样
We say, “Hello, how are you?
今天天气不错
It’s a beautiful day.
你觉得呢
How do you feel?”
这些听起来毫无意义 不是吗 某种程度上确实如此
These sound kind of meaningless, right? And, in some ways, they are.
确实没什么实际意思
They have no semantic meaning.
你过得怎么样或者今天怎么样其实都不重要
It doesn’t matter how you are or what the day is like.
重要的是其它的意义
They have something else.
即社交意义
They have social meaning.
我们说这些话时其实是想说
What we mean when we say those things is:
我注意到你了
I see you there.
我很喜欢和陌生人交谈
I’m obsessed with talking to strangers.
我和他们目光交汇 说到 你好
I make eye contact, say hello,
我提供帮助 倾听心声
I offer help, I listen.
在过程中积累了很多故事
I get all kinds of stories.
大约七年前 我开始记录我的这些经历
About seven years ago, I started documenting my experiences
试图探索其中的缘由
to try to figure out why.
我发现这其实是一段妙不可言的经历
What I found was that something really beautiful was going on.
甚至可以说是极具诗意
This is almost poetic.
这些经历意义深远
These were really profound experiences.
蕴含不可言说的喜悦
They were unexpected pleasures.
是真情实感的交流
They were genuine emotional connections.
是如释重负的时刻
They were liberating moments.
有一天 我站在拐角处等红灯
So one day, I was standing on a corner waiting for the light to change,
我住在纽约
which, I’m a New Yorker,
所以其实我是站在大街的雨水道上
so that means I was actually standing in the street on the storm drain,
好像那样我就能更早地穿过马路
as if that could get me across faster.
当时有一位老人站在我旁边
And there’s an old man standing next to me.
他穿着一件大衣 戴着一顶老人帽
So he’s wearing, like, a long overcoat and sort of an old-man hat,
看起来像是某部电影里的人物
and he looked like somebody from a movie.
他对我说
And he says to me,
别站在那儿 你可能会消失的
“Don’t stand there. You might disappear.”
听起来很扯 不是吗
So this is absurd, right?
但我还是听了他的话 退回了人行横道上
But I did what he said. I stepped back onto the sidewalk.
他微笑着说到
And he smiled, and he said,
很好 世事难料
“Good. You never know.
如果我刚刚转身走掉的话
I might have turned around,
你可能咻的一声就不见了
and zoop, you’re gone.”
这件事听起来很诡异
This was weird,
但也真的很美好
and also really wonderful.
他是如此的古道热肠 而且很高兴救了我
He was so warm, and he was so happy that he’d saved me.
我们就这样有了一点点联系
We had this little bond.
一瞬间 我觉得自己作为一个人
For a minute, I felt like my existence as a person
被他人注意到了
had been noticed,
我值得被拯救
and I was worth saving.
而真正令人难过的是
The really sad thing is,
在世界的很多地方
in many parts of the world,
在成长过程中 我们错误地认为陌生人很危险
we’re raised to believe that strangers are dangerous by default,
我们不能相信他们 他们有可能伤害我们
that we can’t trust them, that they might hurt us.
但其实多数陌生人都不危险
But most strangers aren’t dangerous.
我们之所以会感到不安 是因为彼此毫无关联
We’re uneasy around them because we have no context.
不知道他们想干嘛
We don’t know what their intentions are.
所以 我们会直接把他们当作“陌生人”
So instead of using our perceptions and making choices,
而不是运用自己的认知来做出判断
we rely on this category of “stranger.”
我有一个四岁的女儿
I have a four-year-old.
当我在大街上和别人打招呼时
When I say hello to people on the street,
她问我为什么
she asks me why.
她说 你认识他们吗
She says, “Do we know them?”
我说 不 他们只是邻居而已
I say, “No, they’re our neighbor.”
他们是我们的朋友吗
“Are they our friend?”
不算 只是我们该友善待人
“No, it’s just good to be friendly.”
我对她说这些话的时候都会再三斟酌
I think twice every time I say that to her,
因为我是认真的 但尤其是作为一个女人
because I mean it, but as a woman, particularly,
我知道不是每一个大街上的陌生人都带着善意
I know that not every stranger on the street has the best intentions.
我们是该友善待人 也该学习何时保护自己
It is good to be friendly, and it’s good to learn when not to be,
但这不意味着我们该对外界充满恐惧
but none of that means we have to be afraid.
面对陌生人时 用感觉判断力代替恐惧
There are two huge benefits
有两大好处
to using our senses instead of our fears.
其一 它能释放我们的内心
The first one is that it liberates us.
你仔细想想
When you think about it,
不将人们分门别类区分 而是凭直觉判断好坏
using perception instead of categories
说起来容易 做起来却很难
is much easier said than done.
分类法是我们大脑使用的一种工具
Categories are something our brains use.
当与人社交的时候
When it comes to people,
这算是一条识人的捷径
it’s sort of a shortcut for learning about them.
我们眼中都是男人 女人 年轻人 老人
We see male, female, young, old,
黑种人 棕色人种 白种人 陌生人 朋友
black, brown, white, stranger, friend,
我们用这些现成的信息去将人分类
and we use the information in that box.
这种方式快捷 简单
It’s quick, it’s easy
但也会造成偏见
and it’s a road to bias.
这意味着我们没有把人作为个体来看待
And it means we’re not thinking about people as individuals.
我认识一个美国研究员
I know an American researcher who travels frequently
她经常独自一人在中东和非洲旅行
in Central Asia and Africa, alone.
每当她进入某个城镇时
She’s entering into towns and cities
都是完完全全的陌生人
as a complete stranger.
她与那儿的人没有任何关联
She has no bonds, no connections.
就是个外国人而已
She’s a foreigner.
但她有一项生存技巧
Her survival strategy is this:
让陌生人把你当成一个真实而独立的个体看待
get one stranger to see you as a real, individual person.
如果你能做到这点 也利于别人用一样的态度对待你
If you can do that, it’ll help other people see you that way, too.
用感觉来做判断的另一好处与亲密度有关
The second benefit of using our senses has to do with intimacy.
我知道这听起来不符合直觉
I know it sounds a little counterintuitive,
亲密度和陌生人有什么关系
intimacy and strangers,
但我们之间的这种快速互动会造成感官上的错觉
but these quick interactions can lead to a feeling
社会学家称之为短暂亲密的感觉
that sociologists call “fleeting intimacy.”
这是一种让人产生情感共鸣的有意义的短暂经历
So, it’s a brief experience that has emotional resonance and meaning.
这种感觉很好
It’s the good feeling I got
老人救我脱离雨水沟时 我感受到了
from being saved from the death trap of the storm drain by the old man,
在乘车上班路上和别人交谈时
or how I feel like part of a community
作为社区中的一份子 我也感受到了
when I talk to somebody on my train on the way to work.
有时这种感觉更为深刻
Sometimes it goes further.
研究人员发现 与亲朋好友相比
Researchers have found that people often feel more comfortable
对陌生人敞开心扉 吐露心声
being honest and open about their inner selves with strangers
会让人觉得更舒服
than they do with their friends and their families —
他们通常觉得陌生人更能理解他们
that they often feel more understood by strangers.
媒体上报道的这一结论充满了悲情色彩
This gets reported in the media with great lament.
‘’陌生人比配偶更适合交流‘’
“Strangers communicate better than spouses!”
多么吸引眼球的标题 不是吗
It’s a good headline, right?
但我认为这种标题完全没有抓住重点
I think it entirely misses the point.
这些研究的意义在于
The important thing about these studies
它证明了这种陌生人间的交流的重要性
is just how significant these interactions can be;
并且这种特殊形式的亲密关系
how this special form of closeness
正是我们所需要的
gives us something we need as much as we need our friends
就像我们需要家人朋友一样
and our families.
所以为什么我们能和陌生人交流得这么愉快呢
So how is it possible that we communicate so well with strangers?
主要有两个原因
There are two reasons.
首先 这种互动来得快去得快
The first one is that it’s a quick interaction.
没有任何后果
It has no consequences.
和不会再见的陌生人很容易就能吐露心声 不是吗
It’s easy to be honest with someone you’re never going to see again, right?
这是有一定道理的
That makes sense.
其次是因为这种互动过程更有趣
The second reason is where it gets more interesting.
我们会对亲密的人产生偏见
We have a bias when it comes to people we’re close to.
觉得他们能够理解我们
We expect them to understand us.
并且假装他们能
We assume they do,
真的希望他们能读懂我们的心思
and we expect them to read our minds.
想象一下 你身处一个聚会
So imagine you’re at a party,
但当你想早点离开时
and you can’t believe that your friend or your spouse
你的朋友或是配偶竟然不愿意
isn’t picking up on it that you want to leave early.
于是你就会想
And you’re thinking,
说好的默契呢
“I gave you the look.”
若是对一个陌生人 我们不得不从头开始
With a stranger, we have to start from scratch.
告诉他来龙去脉
We tell the whole story,
解释清楚这些人是谁 我们对他们的印象如何
we explain who the people are, how we feel about them;
讲清楚圈内玩笑
we spell out all the inside jokes.
猜猜看会怎么样
And guess what?
有时候他们更能理解我们
Sometimes they do understand us a little better.
好吧
OK.
所以 我们现在知道与陌生人交谈挺重要的
So now that we know that talking to strangers matters,
但是要怎么进行呢
how does it work?
书本上可没有这些
There are unwritten rules we tend to follow.
规则各不相同 这取决于你所生活的国度
The rules are very different depending on what country you’re in,
以及所处的文化氛围
what culture you’re in.
在美国多数地方
In most parts of the US,
我们在公共场所遵循的规则是
the baseline expectation in public
和别人保持既礼貌又留有隐私的空间
is that we maintain a balance between civility and privacy.
这点被称为礼貌性疏忽
This is known as civil inattention.
想象一下 在大街上 两个人相对而行
So, imagine two people are walking towards each other on the street.
当他们相距一定的距离时会瞥见对方
They’ll glance at each other from a distance.
所以 保持距离是尽人皆知的社交礼仪
That’s the civility, the acknowledgment.
当他们走得很近时 为了使双方都能放松点
And then as they get closer, they’ll look away,
他们会把目光转向一边
to give each other some space.
在有些文化里
In other cultures,
人们即便是走得再近也不会相互影响
people go to extraordinary lengths not to interact at all.
丹麦人民告诉我说
People from Denmark tell me
他们中有很多人不愿意与陌生人搭讪
that many Danes are so averse to talking to strangers,
他们宁愿坐过了站
that they would rather miss their stop on the bus
也不愿意向别人说 请问 我该怎样回去之类
than say “excuse me” to someone that they need to get around.
相反的 若是有几个精致的袋子挡在那里
Instead, there’s this elaborate shuffling of bags
可能你宁愿用行动告诉对方自己要过去
and using your body to say that you need to get past,
也不愿意动一下嘴皮子
instead of using two words.
我听说 在埃及
In Egypt, I’m told,
忽略一个陌生人的存在是不礼貌的
it’s rude to ignore a stranger,
而且那儿有十分值得称赞的待客之道
and there’s a remarkable culture of hospitality.
陌生人之间或许会互相邀请来喝一杯
Strangers might ask each other for a sip of water.
抑或是 你向某人打听路时
Or, if you ask someone for directions,
对方很可能邀你到他家里喝杯咖啡
they’re very likely to invite you home for coffee.
当这种只可意会的规则被打破
We see these unwritten rules most clearly when they’re broken,
或是你新到一个地方时 才能更真切的感觉到
or when you’re in a new place
你要分辨出哪些是正确的事情
and you’re trying to figure out what the right thing to do is.
有时候 行动之所在 规则所为破也
Sometimes breaking the rules a little bit is where the action is.
为了体会得更真切一点 我希望大家能照着做 好吗
In case it’s not clear, I really want you to do this. OK?
下面我们就开始了
So here’s how it’s going to go.
看看谁正在用眼神寻求交流
Find somebody who is making eye contact.
这是个好的信号
That’s a good signal.
首先要做的就是保持微笑
The first thing is a simple smile.
如果你在大街上从某人身边路过或是在门厅相遇
If you’re passing somebody on the street or in the hallway here, smile.
笑一笑 看看会发生什么
See what happens.
另一个是关于三角测量的
Another is triangulation.
你在这儿 对方在那儿
There’s you, there’s a stranger,
还有另外的某物 能使你们都看到或是评论一下
there’s some third thing that you both might see and comment on,
比方说一件公共艺术品
like a piece of public art
或像某人在大街上讲道
or somebody preaching in the street
又或是某人正穿着一件搞笑的衣服
or somebody wearing funny clothes.
试试看
Give it a try.
对此评价一番 看看是不是能和这个陌生人聊起来
Make a comment about that third thing, and see if starts a conversation.
另一点我称之为关注度
Another is what I call noticing.
这个一般都是通过赞美来体现的
This is usually giving a compliment.
我经常会关注别人穿什么鞋子
I’m a big fan of noticing people’s shoes.
我今天穿的鞋子很一般
I’m actually not wearing fabulous shoes right now,
但大多数鞋子还是很赞的
but shoes are fabulous in general.
它们都是很中性的 远没达到会被恭维的程度
And they’re pretty neutral as far as giving compliments goes.
人们总是忍不住要和你分享他们好看的鞋子
People always want to tell you things about their awesome shoes.
你可能已经听说过关于狗和婴儿的原则
You may have already experienced the dogs and babies principle.
站在大街上跟别人聊天可能有点尴尬
It can be awkward to talk to someone on the street;
因为你不知道对方会怎么回应
you don’t know how they’re going to respond.
但是你可以和他们的狗或是孩子聊天啊
But you can always talk to their dog or their baby.
无论是狗还是孩子
The dog or the baby
都是与人交往的一个中介
is a social conduit to the person,
而且你能从他们的反应判断出
and you can tell by how they respond
对方是否愿意再多聊点
whether they’re open to talking more.
最后 我想让你们挑战一下
The last one I want to challenge you to
自我披露
is disclosure.
这么做是有风险的
This is a very vulnerable thing to do,
但也可能让你收获颇丰
and it can be very rewarding.
所以 下次再和陌生人聊天时
So next time you’re talking to a stranger
如果你愿意
and you feel comfortable,
可以跟他们讲一些关于你自己的事
tell them something true about yourself,
甚至一些很私人的事情
something really personal.
也许你曾有过感同身受的经历 我刚刚有提到过这种感受
You might have that experience I talked about of feeling understood.
有时 在交谈中会出现这种情况
Sometimes in conversation, it comes up,
人们会问“你父亲是做什么工作的啊” 或是“他住哪里”
people ask me, “What does your dad do?” or, “Where does he live?”
一般我会实话实说
And sometimes I tell them the whole truth,
告诉他们说 我父亲在我很小的时候就去世了
which is that he died when I was a kid.
往往在那个时候
Always in those moments,
他们会和我分享一些他们自己的伤心往事
they share their own experiences of loss.
即使是面对陌生人
We tend to meet disclosure with disclosure,
我们也会坦露胸襟
even with strangers.
所以 其实是这样的
So, here it is.
当和陌生人搭话时 无论是对你一成不变的生活来说
When you talk to strangers, you’re making beautiful interruptions
还是对方来说
into the expected narrative of your daily life
都是一场美丽的打扰
and theirs.
你们正建立一段意料之外的联系
You’re making unexpected connections.
如果不和陌生人交流 你就会错过所有的这些
If you don’t talk to strangers, you’re missing out on all of that.
我们花大量的时间
We spend a lot of time
来教会我们的孩子如何看待陌生人
teaching our children about strangers.
如果我们也花点时间教教自己 又会怎么样呢
What would happen if we spent more time teaching ourselves?
那样我们就可以摆脱种种互相猜忌的念头
We could reject all the ideas that make us so suspicious of each other.
就可以为改变而留有空间
We could make a space for change.
谢谢
Thank you.

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