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为什么你该停止说抱歉了? – 译学馆
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为什么你该停止说抱歉了?

Why You Should Stop Saying "Sorry" (most of the time)

The episode is supported in part by Skill Share.
本视频由Skill Share网站参与赞助播出
A few weeks ago, I was walking down the street,
几周前 我正走在大街上
and a guy bumped into me
一个男人无意中撞到了我
so hard I almost fell over.
力道之大 我差点摔倒
And in the middle of the collision I said:“Oh, sorry!”
相撞一刹那 我说:“啊…对不起!”
A lot of us have been in situations
大多数人都会遇到这样的场景
where we say sorry when someone can’t hear what we’re saying
我们说了抱歉 但对方并未听到我们在说什么
when we sneeze,
打喷嚏的时候
or when we can’t make it to a meeting,
开会迟到的时候
then we apologize for apologizing!
我们会为了道歉而道歉
I’m a serial over-apologizer
我就是一个经常盲目道歉的人
and when I started to look into the science of saying sorry,
当我开始研究道歉的深意时
it became clear how this one word
我逐渐发现 “道歉”这个词
can affect everyone in some pretty unexpected ways.
会以意想不到的方式影响每一个人
Some people are more likely to over apologize than others
一些人比其他人更可能盲目道歉
because we all have different thresholds of what we consider offensive behavior.
因为每个人对冒犯性行为的底线不同
All kinds of things can affect this, like culture.
各种东西都能影响到这个底线 比如文化
Some will apologize when they haven’t been
一些人会因为他们没有达到
as polite as their social norms suggest or gender
社会准则的礼节要求而道歉 或是性别原因
Research suggests
研究表明
men apologize less frequently than women
男性道歉的频率要比女性低
Generalizations aside,
撇开这种普遍性不谈
saying “sorry”can become an automatic reaction for many of us.
说“对不起”可能是我们许多人下意识的反应
And it can lead to some negative effects.
并且它还会产生一些负面影响
Over apologizing not only undermines your confidence and influence,
盲目道歉不仅破坏你的自信心和影响力
it can lower your own self-esteem.
还会降低你的自尊心
And the continual “sorry” lessen the impact of future apologies.
而且一直说“对不起” 会减弱以后道歉的效果
You can try to kick the habit by using a different expression
你可以使用其他的表达来戒掉这个词
like “ thank you ” or “ okay ”
比如“谢谢”或“没问题”
or just not saying anything.
或干脆什么也不说
You might think that apologizing a lot will prevent hurt feelings,
你可能认为 不停地道歉能让人好过些
but research suggests
但研究表明
that apologies often have the exact opposite effect.
道歉常常带来完全负面的影响
For example, in situations where you have to reject someone
比如 你不得不拒绝某个人
whether that being for lunch plan or going on a date
无论是共用午餐的计划还是约会
or working together on a group assignment
抑或一个共同完成的小组任务
you might offer an apology as a nicety
出于礼仪 你道歉了
to try to make the other person feel better.
想让被拒绝的人好受点
But research suggests that saying “ I ’m sorry ”
但研究表明 说“我很抱歉”
actually makes the other person feel worse.
实际上让对方感觉更糟糕了
Yep, one group of researchers in the US
一个美国的研究团队
examined the impact of using “ sorry ” in rejections
用大量不同的实验
through a bunch of different experiments.
测验了拒绝时说“抱歉”的影响
In a recent test,
在最近一场测试中
when people replied to different scenarios, writing a message.
当人们对不同情景做出反应时 发消息说
that, lord, they couldn’t go to lunch or meet up after a party,
天呐 他们午餐无法赴约了 或派对之后没空见面了
people included in an apology around 40% of the time.
这其中40%左右的时间都在道歉
These messages were given to others who were asked to rate their feelings.
把这些消息给另一部分被受试者看
And instead of the apologies making them feel better,
他们表示 道歉只会加深他们情感上的伤害
they reported that those responses that included apologies only increased their hurt feelings.
并不会使他们感觉更好
Next, to see if these hurt feelings led to an increase in aggression,
接下来 为了弄清楚这种受伤感是否会导致攻击行为的增加
another test involved
研究人员做了另一个测试
responding to these scenarios in person.
要求受试者亲身参与假设情节
And researchers included a measure of aggression
研究者们制作了一个在许多实验中都使用过的
that’s been used in a lot of studies
攻击性测试
how much hot sauce one person gives to another person
一个人会把多少辣椒酱添给
who doesn’t like hot sauce.
另一个并不喜欢辣椒酱的人
So in this scenario,
那么在这个假设情节中
one participant was told the other participant
参与的一方已经被告知
they didn’t like spicy food.
对方并不喜欢辛辣的食物
The other participant rejected them,
对方拒绝他们
and then they had to serve them some hot sauce.
但他们一定要给对方添些辣椒酱
When the other participant included an apology in their rejection,
当对方一边拒绝一边道歉时
they gave them more hot sauce
他们给对方添了更多的辣椒酱
and rated that they felt more hurt.
并认为自己感到更受伤了
The greater allocation of hot sauce
添更多的辣椒酱
was thought to be an aggressive response
被视作伤害道歉之人的
to hurt the person apologizing to them.
攻击性的回应
And their final study concluded that
他们最终的研究总结到
while those who receive an apology feel obligated to express forgiveness
虽然接受道歉的一方觉得应该原谅对方
people don’t actually feel more forgiveness for the person.
但他们其实并没有放下怨气
This all shows that social niceties can backfire
所有结果的都表明 社交礼仪也可能适得其反
and including a “ sorry ” in a rejection
拒绝时的道歉
can lead to hurt feelings.
会使人感到更受伤
Though, you should apologize when you ’ve actually done something wrong,
尽管你真的做错事的时候应该道歉
like accidentally spilling coffee on somebody,
比如不小心把咖啡撒到了某个人身上
not finishing work on time or something even wore
没有按时完成工作 或者其他更糟糕的事情
In these cases,
在这些情况下
accept responsibility and have a clear and explicit verbal conversation
承担责任 来一场清晰明了的口头沟通
try to avoid texting or email,
尽量避免发短信或者邮件
Be direct and specific about what you are apologizing for
直接具体地点明你要道歉的事情
and you’ll come across as
人们会觉得你
more thoughtful and sincere.
更体贴 也更真诚
“ Sorry ” is a valuable word –
“对不起”是个珍贵的词汇
use it only when it’s really necessary
真正有必要时再使用它
and please, kick the habit of over-apologizing.
请戒掉过度道歉的习惯
You’ll thank yourself for it!
你会为此而感谢你自己
One of dozen plans is every day psychology mini series
本课程之后会发布每日心理学迷你短剧
I used a pretty specific workflow to bring it to your screen.
我用过一个非常特别的工作流程 现在把它分享到屏幕上
If you want to stay organized through any project, I recommend Checking out.
如果你想把任何事情都做得井井有条 我推荐Checking out
,project management in real life in Skill Share, that sponsor of today’s.
Skill Share视频中 有关于真实生活中的项目管理 也即是本视频的赞助者
Skill Share is an online learning community with over 2000 classes in everything from design to business.
Skill Share 是一个有2000多个课程 的在线学习社群 从设计到商业都有
This course that takes you through setting goals and creating project plans, sticking to a schedule and more.
本课程会带你深入了解设定目标 制定项目计划 完成日程表 等等
You can get two months of Skill Share for free, if you sign up using the link in the description.
如果从屏幕下方的链接注册 你可以获得Skill Share两个月免费试用权
Thanks.
感谢收看

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视频概述

在拒绝别人的好意时,我们常常会道歉。然而研究表明,此种情况下别人并不会放下怨恨感。我们有更好的处理方法。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

苏卿

审核员

审核员 V

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=de7klebm7zs

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