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Why We (Sometimes) Wish Those We Love Might Die

说来有些可耻 甚至有些害怕 但有时候我们会发现
It feels very shameful. horrifying even, to admit but there are times when we may find
ourselves daydreaming about a terrible thing happening to someone close to us. Deep in
从我们内心深处来说 如果一个朋友或家人能从这个世界消失
the privacy of our minds, we may feel it would be a huge relief if a partner or family member
对我们来说是一大解脱 或许他们在十字路口被撞死
could just vanish from the face of the earth. They might be run over at a crossing; their
或许他们乘坐的飞机坠机 又或许他们得了一种罕见的绝症(都没疼的机会)
plane might go down; they could contract a rare and quickly fatal illness (it wouldn’t
当然我们会为此感到极其伤心 但是在某些方面来说 也是一种极大的解脱和释放
hurt at all). It would be hugely sad of course, but also in certain ways an immense liberation
一旦萌生这种想法 我们可能会惊恐地想要摆脱它
and relief. No sooner has this thought crossed our minds, we’re likely to chase it out
in horror – and feel deeply guilty about our depravity. To put our macabre
从不同角度来看这些恐怖的想法 我们首先会想到的是我们对别人内心世界的了解简直微乎其微
imaginings into perspective, the first thing to remember is how little we know of what
secretly goes through the minds of other people. We’re aware of our own darkest thoughts
却很少倾听别人的心声 正是因为事实如此 我们对别人比现实中了解的更少
but rarely get to hear those of others. It’s often the case, therefore, that things will
feel much rarer to us than they are in reality. It turns out that grim imaginings are very
common. Counsellors and therapists – who get to hear more of the hidden workings of
比谁都多 所以他们从不会惊讶于
other people’s minds than anyone else – are never surprised when a nice, sensible, interesting
一个漂亮 理智 有趣的顾客吞吞吐吐地说她有时候希望爱的人能突然蒸发不见
client tentatively reveals an occasional wish that a loved one would be vapourized. Being
close to someone necessarily involves a high degree of what therapists call ‘ambivalence,’
一种积极和消极并存的情绪 当一个人在我们人生中扮演非常重要的角色时
a blending of deeply negative and positive thoughts. When people play an outsize role
当他们对我们的情绪有很大影响 当我们对他们亏欠很多人情时
in our lives, when they have an enormous emotional power over us, when our debt to them is immense,
我们既会喜欢他们 也会在某种程度上憎恨他们 我们的情绪里既有温柔也有暴怒
we will both adore and at points resent them hugely. There will be tenderness and rage;
有依恋也有厌恶 我们会因为他们感到几乎从未有过的失落
attachment and revulsion. They can let us down like few others can, they know our weakest
他们知道我们最弱的地方 他们让我们迷恋却也疲惫不堪 当然 我们通常不会真的做些什么
spots, they enchant but also exhaust us. We’re not actually going to do anything – of course.
甚至丝毫准备都没有 我们不会买毒药或是在暴风雨的夜晚怂恿他们去悬崖边散步
We’re not even taking the tiniest preparatory steps; we would never buy poison or encourage
them to go cliff-walking on stormy evenings. But there is relief to be found in the odd
那些幻想不是我们计划落实的行动 也不是我们真正的价值观或意图
grim daydream nevertheless. Fantasies are not plans of action. They don’t correspond
to our real values or intentions. They operate as momentary escapes from powerful feelings.
We fantasise about the death of a loved one not because we truly want them gone but because
being close to them is such a large and therefore at times tricky part of our lives. Our fantasy
我们的幻想虽然奇怪 却是对我们关系真实的体现 虽然我们之间难免会有矛盾和扫兴的事
is a strange but real tribute to the depth of our bond. The guilt is a symptom that despite
但我们真的非常在乎这些事 内疚就是我们在乎的体现
the inevitable and very real tensions and disappointments of the relationship, we care
about them very much. The meaning of the fantasy isn’t that we are sick. It’s that loving
它意味着爱一个人不是没有烦恼的 幸运的是 很有可能我们的家人或朋友
someone is never free of frustration. Fortunately, it’s highly likely that our family member
有时候也对我们有同样的幻想 他们也像我们一样会感到耻辱和愧疚
or partner also harbours similar occasional fantasies directed towards us and that they too feel
terribly ashamed and guilty in exactly the way we do. This isn’t monstrosity either,
just further evidence of the beautiful and surprising subtleties of love.