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为什么要对爱少点期望

Why We Should Expect Less Of Love

The school of life
《生命学院》
It can feel very weird, and a bit threatening,
说起给亲密关系减减压
to talk about taking the pressure off a relationship.
大家觉得很奇怪 并且会有一种危机感
Our collective inherited Romantic culture
我们共同传承的浪漫主义文化认为
likes to imagine functioning couples doing more or less everything together
亲密关系就是做什么事都在一起
and being the centre of each other’s lives.
成为彼此生活的中心
The good couple is, we are told,
我们认为 恩爱情侣之间
one in which two people mean more or less everything to one another.
彼此几乎是对方一切
In a sound relationship
在合理的亲密关系中
we are supposed to meet each other’s needs in every area of existence
我们应在任何方面都彼此契合
from sex to intellectual stimulation, cooking styles to bedroom habits.
从性行为到知识水平 从饮食习惯到作息规律
We’re supposed to lead our social life in tandem,
在社交生活中 我们应该形影不离
be the primary sounding board for one another’s problems
成为彼此的第一参谋
and complete each other in spirit and in matter.
在精神和物质层面相互补充
If they’re involved in a sport,
如果对方参与了一项运动
we should at once join in
我们应该马上加入
or at least come and support them every weekend;
或者 至少每个周末都来给他们加油
if we want to visit a particular country,
如果我们想去一个特别的国度
they are supposed to trot along enthusiastically with us;
对方也应该热情地跟着我们一路前行
our friends are meant to be their friends……
我们的朋友就是他们的朋友
It all sounds sweet,
一切看起来如此甜蜜
but it is over the long term
不过从长远来看
a recipe for disaster.
这将后患无穷
No two people can ever match each other across all areas of existence,
没有两个人 能在生活的各个方面都彼此契合
and the attempt to do so inevitably ushers in bitterness and rage.
这种尝试 必定会带来苦涩和愤怒
We have, at the collective level, given ourselves
我们集体给自己描绘了一幅
a hugely unhelpful picture of how love should go.
对爱发展极其不利的图景
Any independent move is read like a sign
任何单独的行动都被解读为
that we can’t actually love one another:
不能爱对方的信号
It’s taken to be evidence of imminent danger
独自出国旅游 或者没有抱在一起睡觉
if we visit other countries on our own or sleep apart.
都是感情亮红灯的证据
So we end up badgering each other to do things that we don’t really like.
最终 我们让对方反复做自己不喜欢的事情
We force each other to endure tedious hobbies
我们迫使对方忍受自己无聊的业余爱好
or see each other’s peculiar old friends.
或者去见对方我们相处不来的老朋友
not even because we inherently want to do so,
甚至 不是因为我们想这么做
but simply because any other arrangement
只是因为 其他任何安排
has come to seem like evidence of betrayal.
看起来都像是背叛的证据
A more realistic and in the proper sense Romantic view of couples
一个更现实 更恰当的恋爱观
would suggest that there do have to be a few strong areas
应该是 我们的确有一些重要的层面
where we can meet each others needs,
需要彼此契合
but that there should also be plenty of others
但也应该还有许多其他的层面
where we are clearly better off pursuing our goals on our own.
我们最好独自追求自己的生活目标
Consider the following list of independent activities
仔细看看以下清单列举的独立活动
and give them stars from one to five
并根据你自己的情况
if they strike you as relevant.
从一到五颗星进行评分
I’d like to travel without my partner,
我想要 没有伴侣的旅行
have dinner one to one with a friend
单独和朋友吃饭
be able to go to a party without my partner
不和伴侣一起参加聚会
and not have them feel left out,
同时不让他们觉得受冷落
visit my parents alone,
一个人探望我的父母
have my own financial adviser,
拥有自己的财务顾问
go for long walks on my own,
独自去散步
have a separate bathroom,
拥有单独的浴室
go shopping with a friend rather than with my partner.
和朋友购物 而不是和伴侣
Look at each other’s stars and list.
看看彼此的清单和评分
Is there anything that you feel you could accommodate?
清单上有自认为尚可忍受的事吗?
We should recognise
我们应该认识到
that a degree of independence isn’t an attack on a partner.
一定程度的独立不是对伴侣的背叛
It’s a guarantee of the solidity of the underlying commitment one has made.
而是彼此感情稳固的基石
Truly stable couples
真正和谐的夫妻
aren’t those that do everything together,
并不会形影不离
it’s those that have managed to interpret their differences
而那些不小题大做 忠诚看待
in non-dramatic, non-disloyal terms.
彼此差异的夫妻 感情才更稳固
Ultimately, a reduction of dependence doesn’t mean a relationship is unraveling
其实 减少依赖并不意味着两人在渐行渐远
it means that we have learnt to focus more clearly and intently
它意味着我们已经能更清楚 更专注于
on what the other person can actually bring us,
关心对方究竟给自己带来了什么
and have stopped blaming them
同时不再责怪对方
for not being someone they never were.
没能满足期待 改变他自己
We no longer need to be upset that
我们不会再感到沮丧
their ideal holiday destination strikes us as a bit unrelaxing
即使自己并不喜欢对方理想的度假地
or that their friends can seem boring.
或者因为对方的朋友很无趣而难受
We have learnt, instead,
相反 我们学会了
to value them for the areas where we truly see eye to eye.
用我们真正不谋而合的地方来衡量对方
To enjoy a harmonious union with someone,
要建立一段良好的关系
we should ensure that we have plenty of sources
我们应该确保我们有足够的
of excitement, reassurance and stimulation outside of them .
除感情之外的兴奋 安心 刺激的来源
When we hit problems, we should be able to lean on other supports.
当我们遇到困难 我们应该还有其他的靠山
The demand that another person compensate us
要求他人完善自己生活中
for all that’s alarming, wearing or deficient in our lives
所有令人担忧 疲惫以及自己不足的地方
is a mechanism for systematically destroying any relationship.
本身就是能破坏所有感情的慢性毒药
Our conflicts and disappointments will at once feel more manageable
我们之间的冲突和失望会立刻瓦解
when we stop asking our partner
只要我们不再要求自己的伴侣
to function as our long lost other half.
扮演自己失落已久的另一半
The more we can survive without a relationship
彼此越独立
the greater will be its chances of survival and fulfillment.
这段亲密关系生存和发展的几率就越大
We will truly give love a chance
我们不再相信 爱是唯一救赎时
when we stop believing it can single-handedly save us.
我们才真正地给爱一次机会
Our book,Sorrows Of Love,
我们的书《爱的伤痕》
helps us all handle the inevitable sorrows of love.
能帮助我们化解爱情中不可避免的创伤

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视频概述

伴侣之间的长久相处之道。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

胡小雪

审核员

审核员LG

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgBIPZSwi20

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