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为什么非要挑难的去爱? – 译学馆
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为什么非要挑难的去爱?

Why We Pick Difficult Partners

Theoretically we are free to select the kind of person we love.
理论上 我们有选择爱谁的权利
We might have chosen someone else.
想选谁就选谁
We ’ re not being forced into a relationship
不会被
by social convention or match-making or
传统 媒人上门提亲或者指腹为婚这些形式
dynastic imperatives. But
束缚自己的选择
in reality our choice of lover is probably a lot less free than we imagine.
但事实上 我们的选择自由度远比想象中要小得多
Some very real constraints
那些关于爱慕对象
around whom we can love and feel properly attracted to come
和感到被吸引的条条框框
from a place we might not think to look: our childhoods.
来源于意料之外的地方 童年
Our psychological history strongly
我们从小的心智
predisposes us to fall for only certain types of people.
模式会容易让我们只爱上某种人
We love along grooves formed in childhood.
我们的爱情模式会受到童年的影响
We look for people who in many ways recreate the feelings of love we knew
我们找寻的爱人在很多方面
when we were small.
年幼时期爱的感觉的人
The problem is that the love we imbibed
但问题是我们年幼时
in childhood was unlikely
得到的爱不可能
to have been made up simply of generosity, tenderness and kindness.
只是慷慨 大方和善良
Given the way the
世界本就是这样
world is, love was liable to have come entwined with certain painful aspects: a feeling of
爱往往和一些痛苦交织缠绕
not being quite good enough;
一种不愉悦的感受
a love for a parent who was fragile or depressed; a sense
心疼脆弱沮丧的那一方父母
that one could never be fully vulnerable around a care-giver.
同时也感觉要是有人照顾 就不太会受到伤害
This predisposes us to look
正因如此 我们在成年
in adulthood for partners who won ’ t necessarily simply be kind to us,
选择伴侣时 对对方的要求不仅仅是对我们很好
but who will – most
最重要的是
importantly – feel familiar; which can be a subtly but importantly different thing.
让我们感受到熟悉的爱 这一点虽看似微不足道却至关重要
We may be constrained to look away from prospective candidates
我们可能会受到限制 从而放弃潜在的候选人
because they don ’ t satisfy a
因为他们不能满足
yearning for the complexities we associate with love.
我们复杂的爱的渴望
We may describe someone as ‘not
说一个人“不性感”
sexy ’ or ‘ boring ’ when in truth we mean:
或者“无聊” 其实我们想说:
unlikely to make me suffer in the way I need
不能给我们带来
to suffer in order to feel that love is real.
真实的爱的感受
It is common to advise people who are drawn
通常情况下 若遇到难搞的对象
to tricky candidates simply to leave them and find someone more wholesome.
别人总是建议赶紧抽身离开 找个更好的
This is both
理论可行
theoretically appealing and often practically impossible.
但现实骨感
We cannot magically redirect the
我们不可能像变魔术一样
well-springs of attraction.
想换就换
Rather than aim for a transformation in the types of people
与其想着换一种
we are attracted to,
吸引我们的类型
it may be wiser simply to adjust how we respond and behave around
在遇到不好相处的对象时(经历使然 总会遇上)
the occasionally difficult characters whom our past mandates we will find compelling.
调整自己的回应方式和行为也许更明智
Our problems are often generated
之所以麻烦不断
because we continue to respond to compelling people in
是因为我们总是用同样的方法应对他们
the way that we learned to behave as children around their templates.
表现的像孩童时期那样
For instance, maybe we had
比如 我们有个
a rather irate parent who often raised their voice.
爱大喊大叫的父亲或母亲
We loved them, and reacted by feeling
我们很爱他们 当他们朝自己发飙时
that when they were angry we must be guilty.
我们就感到很愧疚
We got timid and humble.
慢慢地变得胆小怕事 小心翼翼
Now if a partner
所以现在深爱的另一半很生气
(to whom we are magnetically drawn) gets cross, we respond as squashed, brow-beaten children:
我们就变得战战兢兢 像个被吓蔫了的孩子
we sulk, we feel it ’ s our fault,
我们闷闷不乐 觉得都是自己的错
we feel got out and yet deserving of criticism, we
想逃避 却又觉得确实该被指责
build up a lot of resentment.
就这样 累积了很多的怨恨
Perhaps we’re drawn to someone with short-fuse – which
也许我们吸引来的是个暴脾气的
makes us blow up in turn.
导致彼此互相发脾气
Or if we had a fragile,
也许我们有个
vulnerable parent who was easily hurt, we
脆弱的容易受伤害的父母
readily end up with a partner who is
我们最终找到的另一半
also a bit weak and demands us to care for them;
也会是有点软弱 需要我们的保护的角色
but then we get frustrated by their weakness
但同时也懊恼这份软弱
– we tiptoe round them, we try to encourage
我们轻声细语抚慰对方 鼓励他们
and reassure (as we did when we were little) but we also condemn this person for being undeserving.
让他们安心(就像我们小时候那样) 但内心却在责怪这个人一点都不值得
We probably can’t change our templates of attraction.
我们不太可能改变自己吸引的类型
But rather than seek
与其想着
to radically re-engineer our instincts,
完全改变自己的天性
what we can do is try to learn to react to desirable
还不如学会如何应对理想人选
candidates not as we did as children but
别再像小时候那样
in the more mature and constructive manner of
而是以一个成熟的和解决问题的成年人的姿态
a rational adult.
理智地回应
There is an enormous opportunity to move ourselves
在应对难题时 我们还有很多机会
from a childlike to a more
将幼稚的做法
adult pattern of response in relation to the difficulties we are attracted to.
转换成成年人姿态的应对
Consider this table, column A; Partners tricky behaviour.
思考一下这张表格 A栏是 伴侣身上有的毛病
Column B; the childlike response on our part.
B栏:我们这方幼稚的应对模式
And column C; The more adult response we should aim for. Raising our voice could lead to a sense of”it’s all my fault”
C栏:寻求的成熟对待方式 对方的高嗓门让我们觉得“都是我的错”
The more mature response might be,”This is their issue, I don’t have to feel bad”.
更成熟的反应是 这是他们的问题 与我无关
Or if the partner is rather patronising the childlike response might be;”I’m so stupid.” But the more adult response might be;”There are lots of kinds of intelligence. Mind is fine.”
如果对方自认为高人一等 这时候B反应是“我很笨” C模式则是“聪明分很多种 我的头脑就不错”
and so on… Take a moment to look at the chart.
诸如此类……花点时间看看这张表
We are almost certainly with somebody
基本上 我们的伴侣
with a particularly knotty set of issues which
肯定会有些特别棘手的问题
trigger our desires and our childlike defensive moves.
这些问题都会诱导天性的释放和幼时的防御姿态
The answer isn’t to end the relationship,
正确的做法不是了结这段关系
but rather to strive to deal with their compelling challenges
而是以智慧
with some of the wisdom of which
尽力应对挑战
we weren ’ t capable when we first encountered these
而不是我们当初在父母或照顾我们的人遭遇相同情况时的
in a parent or care-giver.
无能为力 不知如何应对
It probably
找到一个完全成熟的人
isn’t in our remit to locate a wholly grown-up person.
可能不在我们的能力范围之内
But it is always in our remit to behave
但是成熟地对待
in more grown-up ways around our partner’s less mature sides.
伴侣不太成熟的地方应该是没问题的
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视频概述

解释挑选难的伴侣的原因

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

Amy

审核员

审核员 D

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hvysy11716g

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