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为什么我们会喜欢伤害我们的人

Why We Love People Who Hurt Us

是什么让某人爱上你而不是爱上别人
What is it that makes someone love you and not someone else
又是什么让你爱上他
and what does it make you love that person back
而非世上某个其他的人?
as opposed to every other person in the world?
在这频道中
On the channel, we talked a lot
我们之前谈到过
about the general things that you can do
目光交流 音调音色 肢体语言
from a charisma perspective like eye contact, tonality, and body language
一般来说这些会让你更富魅力
that make you more attractive to people generally
我会录一个关于肢体语言魅力的视频
and I’ll throw up a video on body language of attraction right there.
但那并不能解释
But that doesn’t answer the question
为什么
of why you tend to have
你感兴趣的是特定的类型的人
a specific blueprint for the type of person that you are interested in.
也无法解释
And it doesn’t answer the
为何你苦苦爱恋一个人
question why you might fall so hard for someone
你的朋友却不能理解
and your friends can not see what it’s all
反之亦然 她对某个人倾心
about or vice versa — your friends fall hard
你却毫无感觉
for particular individuals and you don’t get it.
所以这个视频里
So in this video,
我想谈谈你的个人偏好
what I want to do is explore your individual blueprint —
为何你迷恋你爱的人
why is it that you like the people that
又为何爱你的人
you like and why is it the people who
沦陷于你
like you are drawn to you.
我希望不仅让你知道
And I hope not just to get you
这个问题 而是打开
this blueprint but an entire new realm of
认知与发展的全新领域
thought awareness and development that you can step
因为亲身体验后发现
into because I’ve found this
这确实意义深远 但在此之前
to be very profound in my own life but before we get there,
让我们从头开始
let’s start with the beginning.
我们首先必须承认 爱与被吸引
The first thing that we have to acknowledge is
都并非自愿
that love and attraction aren’t voluntary.
如果能拿个单子坐在那里 说“我要一个
I love the idea that we could just sit around with this list
有趣 和我朋友相处融洽 各方面都厉害
and we could say, ” I want someone who is funny, who gets along with my friends,
又有创意的人” 就真的得到了 那再好不过了
who is sharp in these ways and creative,
但我们都清楚
” but we all know that
不是这些让我们沦陷
it’s not our checkboxes that draw us to someone;
而是这种磁力吸引的感觉
it’s this feeling of magnetism.
我敢打赌
And I bet — I know I have
——我就有这种感觉——你被某人吸引
had that experience where — you’ve been drawn to someone
而他不满足
and they don’t check all
你的要求 甚至某些方面亮红灯
of your boxes and maybe they even have some glaring red flags
但你就是情不自禁
but you just can’t help it;
就这样产生情愫
there’s something that’s going on there.
怎么回事
What is that?
我将说的话可能有点疯狂
What I want to suggest in this video sounds crazy
但那就是你对世界上的某人
but it’s that what draws you specifically
情有独钟的原因
into individuals amongst other things,
事实很劲爆
but this is a huge piece,
原因就是 那人给你的感觉像
is how closely that person reminds you
你童年时期的监护人
of your early childhood caretakers specifically,
大多数情况下 就是你的父母
in most cases, mom and dad and if that person
那个人让你感觉自己还是婴儿一样
creates in you the same emotions that you felt as a young infant.
听起来没逻辑 对吧
Now that seems insane, right?
为什么你出生后
Why would who you were right
谁陪伴你划定了你20
after you were born be determining
30 40 50年后与谁
who you were attracted to 20, 30, 40,
相依相偎的轨迹?
50 years down the line?
让我们退一步 只从两件
So let me take a step back and just start
我知道对你们以及这个世上
with two things that I know to be true of you
每个孩子都符合的事
and every single human infant that’s ever lived.
第一 你在不停的学习
The first thing is this — you were learning non-stop
甚至自己都不记得
all the time and you can’t even remember it.
比如
For instance, you are hearing
你听我说话的同时解读这些话
what I am saying and instantaneously processing
并理解我在说什么
that language, understanding what I am saying,
你不记得你说的第一句话
and you don’t remember probably your first word.
你不记得你习得语言 却有了口音
You don’t remember processing language and beyond that, you have an accent.
你的口音可能和
You have an accent that was
那个陪伴你最初十年的人如出一辙
formulated probably the first ten years of your life
即便10到12岁后与他分开
and even if you moved after the age of 10-12,
这口音依然伴随着你
that accent sticks with you.
之后的人无关紧要
It doesn’t matter who surrounds you later;
那已成为你的一部分
it’s just part of you.
在这过程中
This is occurring
你产生了生活中的许多观念
with so many concepts and things in your own life —
怎样才是男子汉
the idea of what it is to be a man,
怎样才是成熟女性
the idea of what it means to be a woman,
爱是什么
the idea of what love is
还有最重要的
— and one of the most profound things
——这已经是第二件事了——就是婴孩是无助的
is that infants, this is the second piece, are helpless
婴儿小脑袋里一直在盘算的
which means the primary thing that an infant is figuring out
最基本的事是
in its brain that is still growing is
怎样活着?
— what does it take to survive?
你成年后
When you’re an adult what
自然是行动使得你得以生存
it takes to survive is action and activity
但婴儿做不到
but that is not something
他们只能去“配对”
that an infant can do so an infant is just pairing —
什么特质让我的监护人得以生存?
what traits do my caretakers have with survival?
因为无论他们是谁
— because whoever they are,
是好是坏
whether they’re good people,
是否如每个人一样有缺点
bad people, or whether it’s got flaws like every human being does,
那正是让你得以存在的原因
that is what is keeping you alive so
如果你觉得随时陪在你身边
if you’re mom and dad who touch you all the time
给你唱歌的父母是好父母
or sing to you are wonderful parents,
这些就和生存扯上了关系 所以在你长大之后
that gets paired with survival and later in your life,
你就很有可能觉得
it’s likely that you’re gon na
有这样奇怪的特征很吸引你
find this weird magnetic attraction to people with those traits.
相反地 如果父母经常争吵
On the flip side, if mom and dad fight a lot,
在家里吵架
if they’re screaming in the household,
如果母亲心情低落而父亲特别愤怒
if mom is depressed, if dad is angry…
不管是哪一种情形
whatever it is, those same things
都会影响你的生活
are still being associated
当你长大后遇到这样的人
with survival and when you encounter them later in life,
尽管你不希望这样
as much as you might not want to,
却仍然可能被他们所吸引
you’re likely going to be drawn to them.
我来讲讲自己的例子
So just an example from my own life
来解释说明一下
in order to kind of illustrate this.
在我还小的时候——我甚至不记得了
When I was young — I don’t even remember this but I know
但却是真实存在的
that it is true at this point —
我妈妈是急诊室医生
my mom worked at the ER
而爸爸工作上需要经常出差
in a hospital and my dad was often gone for business
我当时可能直觉是
and I presumed that i intuited
她压力大所以需要帮助
that she needed help because she was stressed
所以我——她情感上受挫
and I’m that was rough
我发现在我小的时候——
on her emotionally and I found myself even at a young age
到后来了一段时间我才想起来的——
and then it took periods where I can
当她需要安慰或者帮助的时候
remember being drawn to her most in the times
我都会被她感染
where she emotional support and help;
感觉自己想做的就是 让她快乐
I felt like I wanted to make her feel better.
很多时候母亲的状态都很好
And she was wonderful for a long period
但就是这样一种感觉使我困惑
of time but this was one pattern that got stuck in me. Much,
很久以后 我甚至没有意识到
much later, and I didn’t realize it,
我会在女性表现脆弱的时候
I tend to be drawn to women in the moments
被她们所吸引
where they are most vulnerable,
当她们遇到什么问题
where they profess to having a problem
不知道怎么解决的时候
that they don’t know how to deal with,
我就会站出来帮助她们
and I can step in and help them. Now,
这件事不论好坏
this is neither a good thing nor a bad thing
只是成为我生活的一种模式
but it just creates reliable patterns in my life.
我愿意去帮助的女性
The type of women that I tend to go
通常是最开始接触时候
for tend to be vulnerable with me
让我觉得柔弱的女性 而不仅如此
early on in the relationship and not only this,
我对这些女性的偏好
I create these same patterns in women
可能之前没发现有这个规律
who might otherwise not show them
对你也是一样
as much and the same is true of you
不管是愤怒的父母
whether we’re talking about parents that were angry,
还是忧郁的
parents that were depressed,
又或者是非常有爱的父母……我们都会反复出现这样的一种情况
parents that were very loving… we create these scenarios over and over.
这就是原因
Here’s how.
就我而言 我注意到并且有所反思
In my case, I noticed and I’ve reflected
因为我已经30岁了
because I’m 30 years old and
我有过几段长期的感情
I’ve been in a number of longer term relationships,
那时候 我常常
the moment that I most spend time
在这几个前女友遇到问题的时候
focusing attentive on the women that I’m
给予她们更多的关注
with at the time is when they have a problem.
当她们找到我
When they come to me and there’s
或者她们有些事不知道该怎么做
something they don’t know what to do with
又或者是情绪低落的时候
and they’re struggling emotionally,
我会把所有的注意力都放在她们身上
that is when they get 100 % of my attention.
并不是我刻意地
It’s not like I’m choosing consciously
在事情进展顺利时
to do this and purposefully giving them less
就不怎么关注她们
of my attention when things are
只是似乎她们需要我
wonderful but it seems like they need me
而我本能的
and that’s when I snap
想去去帮助她们 她们能够
in a gear and they got three solid hours
使得我不遗余力去帮助解决问题
of every single ounce of my problem-solving capabilities. Now,
我并不是让她们就这么难过着 而是我让他们知道
I’m not telling them,”Be sad,” but what I am communicating is,
“当你遇到问题的时候我就会更关心你”
“You get the most attention from me when there is a problem.”
然后我意识到在这几段感情当中
And what I have realized, in several relationships,
她们开始这么觉得
that they have started to intuit is,
“只有制造麻烦 查理才会关注我”这情况比我意识到的要多
“When I want Charlie’s attention,” which is perhapsmore often than I’m willing to admit”I will create a problem.”
这就使得“我有困难”变成了“我要制造一个困难”
And it turns from I-have-a-problem to I-create-a-problem.
是你造成了这样的类似情况
The same sort of thing is being created
你鼓励她愤怒的行为
by you — you are encouraging anger,
是你鼓励她情绪低落
you are encouraging depression,
是你让周围的其他人有这样一些状况
you are encouraging these things in other people
因为他们让你记起了童年的这种
oftentimes because they remind you of those patterns in childhood
为生活而努力的经历
that most required your attention in order to move through.
你会想 “等一下 我并不想让他愤怒”
And you might be thinking,”Wait a second. I don’t want someone to be angry.
“我不想让他们难过或失望”
I don’t want them to be frustrated or depressed.”
这当然不是你所希望的
Of course not.
但是你对这些付出额外的精力和时间
But if you spend time energy and effort on that,
就是在强化他们的这些行为
you are conditioning that behavior in them.
所以在我们寻找和强调
So we seek out and encourage
或者是创造一些好的事情的时候
and recreate a lot of the good things
同时也强化了我们小时候在家里的一些不好的方面
but also the dysfunction that we had in our early household.
这就是我们寻找伴侣的时候
So that’s part of what our blueprint
所存在的一种因素 也是
for someone else is and this is why
我们倾向于那些会伤害我们的人
we tend to look for people who hurt us
因为他们不仅使我们感到难过
because they’re not just hurting us,
而且这种受伤感觉是我们小时候
they’re hurting us in the same way
一直感受到的那种类似情感
that we have been hurt for our whole life
这就不一定是粗心的父母带给我们的感觉
and this doesn’t require terrible negligent parents;
我们每一个人
every single one of us
都可能受过伤害 因为那时我们还小
has been wounded and hurt because we were young
我们不知道怎么面对世界
and we didn’t know how to process the world;
这都是不可避免的
that’s just an inevitability.
更甚的是 若父母不负责任或虐待孩子
Layer onto that, if you had neglectful parents or abusive parents,
那这种情况就更加严重
now that cycle is just moving twice as fast.
但这并不是
But that’s not the only thing that
你对一个不合适的人产生好感的唯一原因
is drawing you towards certain individuals maybe not for your benefit.
也有一部分原因是我们自己
There’s also an aspect
我们长大的过程中所拒绝承认的
of ourselves that we all had to deny growing up.
我是一个男孩
I’m a boy,
我知道很多人都会这样想
I know a lot of guys got this message but it’s —
不要哭泣 不要太感性
don’t cry, don’t be emotional,
不要委屈 继续努力奋斗如果你遇到问题
tough it out and walk it off, if you have an issue,
自己解决 不要到处诉说好吧
handle it yourself, don’t bring it to the world… fine,
这就是我们所接受的想法
that’s what we received.
很多年 我自己或周边的朋友
For years, myself and many guys did
从来都没有哭过 也不会随意表达自己的情感
n’t shed a tear and didn’t share an emotion like that
但是之后我发现自己
but I found myself later
会被那些哭泣示弱的女性吸引
in life being extremely drawn to women who wore their emotions on their sleeve.
我如此迷恋
I found it so attractive
因为我对这方面察觉很敏锐 我从别人身上看到了这种感觉
because I’m so much more even keeled and I see this in other people.
有些人被他父母所限制
You have the person who was conditioned
告诉他要做一个好孩子
by their parents to be a good little boy or girl,
父母讲话的时候不要插嘴
stay quiet because adults are talking, blend in…
这样的人他们会选择什么样的伴侣呢
Who do they tend to go for?
他们会选择具有一定社交能力的外向自信的人
They tend to go for the gregarious outgoing confident person
这些人是他们的镜像 也是他们缺口的填补
that is their mirror image and that is their complement.
这就是所谓的 异象相吸 阴阳调和
And this is why they say opposites attract; this is the yin-yang thing.
我们倾向于选择那些
We tend to go
有着与我们在自身成长过程当中
from people who have expressed and experienced the aspects of ourselves
受压制或被自我限制否定的
that we have had to repress stuff down or deny
一些经历或表达特征的
in order to get by in our particular circumstances —
这样一类人
in order to become who we are today.
而这原因是
And the reason is that really,
我们都想成为完整的人
what we all want to be is complete human beings
不用否认或隐藏
who don’t have to deny or hide any
我们自身的经历情感 比如说
of our experiences — whether that’s
有些时候显得内向而另一些时候外向
being shy sometimes, being outgoing sometimes,
或难过或开心又或是欢乐
being sad or happy or joyous —
但是因为我们学会了
but because we have learned that we can’t be all
在长大的过程当中
of those things in order to grow up
为了得到我们所期待的关爱和温暖
and get the love we require or the attention
我们不再自由表达情感而倾向于一种固定的表达方式
that we desire, we become lopsided,
或是外向或是安静
we become all outgoing, we become all quiet,
或是强大或是柔弱
we’ll become all strong, or all weak…
不管是以上哪种情况我们都
Whatever it is we don’t have that
不再具有平衡完整性 所以会寻找一位伴侣
rounded balance and we seek someone else to be with
就像我们最初的样子
that is like that which is fantastic at the beginning
很多人都会说
because you feel almost people say,
“你是我的另一半 没有你我是不完整的” 但通常
“You complete me. I didn’t feel whole until I was with you,” but what tends to happen
这个人身上
is that there’s still
仍然存在着你不喜欢的地方
that part of you that doesn’t like that thing that they are
所以在6到12个月之后
and so after six months or 12 months,
最初吸引到你的自信特征变成了自大傲慢
the confidence that drew you to them now is viewed as arrogance.
对我来说
And in my case,
最初被她们的脆弱吸引的这种情绪
the emotionality that I first was really drawn to that amazing vulnerability
就像是小题大做
looks like making a mountain
最开始相互吸引的原因
out of a molehill and the thing that drew us to our partners
最后却变成争吵的原因
tend to be the exact same things that we fight about later.
这是原因 我是说这是一个例子
And this is one example — it’s
为什么我们对可能伤害自己的人
because we tend to love and be obsessed with people
产生爱意和迷恋 这些是
who can hurt us because these are old,
在我们生活当中对自己所欠缺的
old patterns of behavior throughout our life
特征的习惯反应
that represents parts of ourselves that we have disowned.
那我们应该怎么做
So what do you do about it?
这确实有点儿你会回复“好吧 那我知道了”的东西 有一点点理论化
I know that this has been very,”Okay, nice to know that,” or this is a theory on it
但该怎么做呢?
but what what should I do? Well,
第一步我们要明白原因
step one is to become aware.
不管问题是什么 第一步就是
Simple awareness of whatever your problem
意识到它的存在 这不足够
is step one and it sometimes is enough
让你克服 所以反省自己在成长当中
to move the needle so ask yourself,” Growing up,
父母亲所表达的
what were patterns of emotion
情感模式是怎样的
that my mom and my dad expressed?”
如果你愿意 像我一样
and if you want to, I’ve done this,
记录下来
write them down;
可能一时很难想到 尽自己最大努力吧
you might have a hard time remembering but do your best here. Second,
第二步 回想一下你的前任 比如
review the exes
我30岁的前任 把他们的个性
that you’ve had and go write the things
写下来 不管好坏
that describe their personality good or bad;
你不需要去评判
you don’t even need to be judge.
就写下来 找共同点
Just go write them all down and look for commonalities.
我发现
What I found is
我倾向于找需要守护的
that I tend to go for exes who are caretaker,
感性 情绪化 无法排解的女性
touchy, emotional, very locked into the moment…
后来回顾的时候发现
and again, all of these things as I look back
这些都是我母亲的映射
at them remind me tremendously of my mom.
另外一方面
There’s other elements about them
我努力得到她们的认可
like I have to work for their approval
这方面是我父亲的映射
that they do give it and again, that’s my dad.
所以把所有特征写下来并找到共同点
So write all of these things down and see if there’s commonalities.
第三步
And the third thing
你需要做的是让自己充分意识
that you can do just to bring yourself a higher sense of awareness
自己喜欢上某个人的那些时刻
is to review the moments in your life where you actually fell in love.
我们都以为恋爱
We tend to think of falling in love
是发生在意外时刻的
as this weird thing that happens over in
奇怪的事 但其实
amorphous period of time but really,
我们如此迷恋一个人是有特殊的
there are specific times where we fall hard
原因的 就我而言
for someone and as I reviewed mine,
我总结的是
that’s where I came to that conclusion that
当女性处在情感脆弱的时刻
it was those emotionally vulnerable moments
我能够帮助她解决问题
where I was presented with a problem
我就对她产生一定感觉
that I could help this woman solve that I felt so connected to her.
这也不一定 因为
And it’s not necessarily because
在那个时刻 我们关联在一起
in that moment, our relationship merited it but
但是因为我脑袋里
it is because there’s some ancient part
一直存在某个因素
of my brain that has been there for almost as long
消失了
as I’ve been alive that it’s gone,
“当这里有问题你可以解决的时候
” If there is a problem and you can help solve it,
那就是爱恋”
that equals love,
所以发现自己如此迷恋并发生这样的情况
” and so I find myself drawn to that and creating those sort of situations.
可以反思回顾一下
So reflect on that; ask yourself that.
所以第二件事就是 你知道怎么做了吗?
The second thing is,”Okay, now you know what do you do?” Well,
在生活中我所了解到的
the general problem that I see
最普遍的情况是
across a whole host of scenarios in life is that
人们不求完美 这不是个例
people settle for less than ideal — and this isn’t the case;
或许你有个非常合适的恋人
maybe you have a fantastic
但了解一下也是没有坏处的
relationship and this is just a good-to-know,
你不必照做 但确实很有用
you don’t have to do this but it’s still useful.
我们不求完美 因为我们认为
We settle for less than ideal when we think
我们所追求的爱来源于别人
that the love that we desire is outside of
而不是我们自己
us and not inside of us.
所以我们忍受争吵
So we’ll take the fighting,
沮丧或者是忧郁
we’ll take the frustration, we’ll take the depression,
或者忍受侮辱或其他
we’ll take the abuse, whatever it is…
因为那样我们才能被爱
because that’s the only way that I can get love.
当你开始向内探索
If you start to move that love internal,
开始真正学会
if you start to actually learn to
自我关爱 自我保护
generate a feeling of self-love and self-care,
突然之间
all of a sudden,
不再需要从另一个不完美的人身上获得爱
the need to go get it from places that are less than ideal weakens.
如何做到这样—这是个大话题
And in order to do this — this is a long,
我制作了一个视频
long topic — I’ve made a video
我会放在这里 这是一个关于
that I’ll put right here that is a primer
自爱的简单课程 除此之外
on self-love but if you’re more interested
如果你特别感兴趣
in diving beyond that video,
给我发邮件吧——我们有完整课程
shoot me an email — we have an entire course;
现在还没有发布在网上
we haven’t yet released it
这课程叫情绪掌控
on our website — it’s called Emotional Mastery
邮箱 Charlie@CharismaOnCommand.com
and you can just email me Charlie@CharismaOnCommand.com.
我会给你发更多相关信息但是
I’m happy to send you more information on that but
自爱这个话题一直以来
this topic of self-love is increasingly one
都是我喜爱的话题 因为它涉及到
that I’m so fascinated by because it has tendrils
我们生活中的每一个方面
that extended to every single aspect
尤其是恋爱关系
of our lives especially our romantic relationships
因为这些关系反映了
because our relationships are mirrors oftentimes
我们没有给到自己的
of the love and the acceptance
爱和宽容 这就是我一直以来
that we do not give ourselves which is why I increasingly,
生活中
in my life,
不断努力
have been working
培养自己缺失的那些女性身上吸引我的
on cultivating those traits that I am drawn to in women like
脆弱情感表达 活在当下
being more emotionally vulnerable right living more in the moment not
不去思考遥远的未来
always having this long-term view but being able
而是关注自己的现在
to be truly present where I am.
这次录制的内容就这些了
So that is it for this video.
一个比较深刻的话题
This is a deeper topic so
如果你感兴趣的话
if you’re interested, go ahead and
有任何问题
let me know in the comments.
都可以在评论里留言
If there’s any other questions I wanted to
我想做很多类似这样
do something like this that was
倾向理论而不是具体行为导向的话题
a little bit more philosophical less specific action-oriented
今天是纪念日
because it’s Memorial Day and I figured
我可以做些尝试 大多数人都
I could experiment and most people would just be out
和家人去烧烤了
with their families barbecuing so
喜欢就留言评论
if you liked it let me know in the comments go ahead
或提问题 视频上传的一小时内我会一直在
ask questions because I’ll be here for the first hour after upload.
如果你想要观看更多类似视频
If you want more videos
就订阅栏目吧
like this make sure to subscribe to the channel,
打开消息通知 通知分为八种不同的方式
hit that notification bell; there’s like eight different levels of notifications
如果没有点击最大的那一个
at this point and you might not see our videos
那你就看不到我的视频
if you don’t click the biggest one
油管规则很奇怪 希望
because YouTube the algorithm is weird so I hope
你们能看到视频
that you guys have enjoyed this video
希望你们继续观看以后的视频 再见
and I hope to see you in future ones so catch ya next time.

发表评论

译制信息
视频概述

我们会选择什么样的恋人呢?这又是为什么呢?

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

大疯疯的小点点

审核员

审核员YX

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pqLtNEiNI4

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