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为何会对另一半越来越冷漠 – 译学馆
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为何会对另一半越来越冷漠

Why We Go Cold On Our Partners

七年之痒 众所周知:
The story of the path to coldness in love is well known:
我们从彼此间全身心投入的情爱开始
we start off full of affection for one another
然而 随着时间的流逝 这种感觉逐渐消失
and then, with time, feelings fade.
我们开始把工作放在第一位
We start prioritizing work,
当爱人在说话的时候 我们看着手机
we check our phones while they’re speaking,
我们并不怎么关心对方今天过得如何
we don’t especially want to hear how their day went.
对于这种情感上的冷淡 有个流行的表面解释:
There’s a popular surface explanation for this kind of emotional frost:
人们会自然而然地厌倦他人
that people naturally get bored of one another
就像他们也会厌倦其他事物:
in the same way as they get bored with everything else:
例如那个曾经看起来如此神奇的小玩意
the gadget that once seemed so amazing,
他们曾经特喜爱的电影
the film they used to love.
在这个故事里 冷淡是熟识后的必然结果
Going cold is, in this story, simply the unavoidable consequence of familiarity.
但还有另一种解释 开始时好像毫无希望黯然无光
But there’s another explanation, dark at first,
但结果却充满希望
but in the end, more hopeful.
失去兴趣这点既不是天生的 也不是必然的
The loss of interest isn’t either natural, or inevitable.
厌倦是一种更复杂并且更活跃的东西
The boredom is something at once more complicated and more active –
当我们被爱人伤害 为对方生气或是愤怒
It exists, because we feel hurt by, angry with or scared of our partner
而没有将这种情绪宣泄出去时厌倦就会产生
and because we haven’t found a cathartic way to tell ourselves, or them, about it.
冷战并非是必然的 它只是逃避情感危机的一个体现
Tuning out isn’t inevitable, it’s a symptom of disavowed emotional distress,
它是互相对抗的一种方式
it’s a way of coping.
我们不是厌倦 只是麻木
We’re internally numbed, not just a touch bored.
也许这听起来比较奇怪 毕竟我们可能并没有意识到
This can sound strange, after all we might have no active sense
爱人让我们感到受伤 生气 或是害怕
that our partner has been hurting, angrying or frightening us.
这个想法让人觉得可笑或者偏激
The idea appears laughable or extreme
因为这让我们的爱人听上去像是个怪兽 而我们自己变成了弱者
It makes our partners sound like monsters or ourselves like weaklings,
这当然都不是真的
neither of which is true.
但陷入热恋中的自我
But the self that loves within a relationship
并不是那个生活中的成熟正常的自我
is not the normal adult self we know from other zones of our lives.
我们平时一般都是既聪明又坚强的然而一旦进入恋爱中 我们就变得极易受伤
We may mostly be hugely resourceful and resilient, but the person who loves is an infinitely more vulnerable being.
我们可以将恋爱中的自我想象成一个更弱小 更年幼 更无助的版本的自我
We should imagine it like a smaller, younger, more defenceless version of ourselves
它深藏在我们脑海里并不比婴儿期的我们坚强 聪明多少
that lives in our heads and is no tougher and not much wiser than we were as babies,
而当我们对爱情产生需求时它就会出现
which is when so many of our needs for and ideas about love were formed
就算我们是身高一米九的胡子大汉内心仍有个脆弱的自我
It’s this vulnerable self that continues to direct our hearts even if we’re 6’2″ with a pointy beard.
恋爱中的自我几乎没有防备
The loving self has a gossamer thin ego.
它极易感到受伤 害怕和心烦
It gets hurt, frightened and upset with desperate ease.
不经意的打断对方讲的午餐三明治的故事
You can deeply distress it by interrupting it during the story it’s telling you about the sandwich it had for lunch,
或者是没有足够关心对方胳膊上的肿块
by not asking it enough about the little spot it got on it’s arm yesterday,
或者你选择去看书而不是抱抱
by preferring a book to cuddling,
或是为了看电视而跟它耍心机的时候那个恋爱中的自我就马上会变得悲伤起来
or being a bit tricky about which channel it should watch on TV.
当然 这些在成年人看来都是小事儿
Of course, these are, by ordinary adult standards, tiny slights
但是我们并不是依据成年人的标准来相爱
but we don’t love by adult standards.
这些细小的针足以伤害恋爱中的我们并且穿透到内心最柔弱的深处
These small arrows are enough to wound the self that loves to it’s tender, emotional core.
当然 理想情况下内心中的小版自我会立即表达出它的感受
Ideally, of course, the small self would at once point out what’s happenned,
它会小心翼翼地告诉你 它有点受伤 有点沮丧
It would carefully explain that it’d been frustrated and hurt,
它的话语都经过精心考量 没有隔阂 甚至充满魅力
it’s voice would be measured, undefensive and charming,
但多数时候它都是沉默不语
but mostly it just stays silent.
这是情有可原的 因为它不能明辨是非
That’s forgiveable – it doesn’t properly understand what’s wrong,
它只知道它痛不欲生
it just knows it’s in pain
然后本能地进行自我保护
and it’s driven by an instinct to withdraw and protect itself
而这在行为上的表现就是会变得比较冷淡
which translates into behaviour that looks pretty cold.
毕竟若 成年的自我 对 恋爱的自我 表现出不满这反而会显得荒诞可笑
If the adult self had to give voice to the loving self’s upset, it could sound and feel absurd,
所以大部分人不会外露情绪
which is partly why it doesn’t.
因此我们可能会不太高兴的说:
There can be something especially humiliating in having to say:
“我觉得你对我午休时的事不是很感兴趣”
‘I don’t feel you took enough interest in the details of my lunch break.’
或者“我都45岁了 还不能让我用遥控器?”
or ‘I’m 45 years old but not capable of sharing a TV remote control’.
这真的是成年人对于小事的处理方法
These truly are small issues for an adult to dwell on,
但在爱情中容易受伤的自我 往往不会遵循成年人的规则
but the parts of us that make themselves vulnerable in love don’t obey the ordinary adult rules
结果就会是爱情开始干枯 不想滚床单
The consequence is that the loving self dries up, it doesn’t want to have sex,
变得越来越尖酸刻薄 越爱发小脾气
it gets sarcastic and irritable,
但是它其实并不知道为何它会变成这样
but it doesn’t even know why it’s like this.
它不会赋予行动 且它会很困惑
It isn’t putting on an act, it’s confused.
为了学会应对这种情况 我们必须得要换位思考 要互相原谅
To learn to cope, we need a prominent mutual awareness and forgiveness
体会对方的这种敏感和苦恼
of this dynamic of sensitivity and distress
用承诺来代替疏远和冷漠
and a commitment to decode it when disengagement and indifference descend.
我们需要进行一次心灵的沟通 让所谓的不成熟 因爱而生的痛苦都能在此暴露出来然后解决
We have to create a forum in which so-called minor, love-sucking hurts can safely be aired
而不是轻易的让问题因为孩子般的赌气和过多的心思而埋藏祸根
without the other dismissing, as they always so easily can, the issues at stake as childish or imagined.
如果按照其他的正常生活标准来看 爱情中敏感的自我都会显得有些荒唐
The touchiness of the loving self is ridiculous, if judged by the more robust standards of the rest of life,
但这和其他方面的生活毕竟不同
but this is not the rest of life
当我们变得冷漠我们并不是真的对另一半失去了兴趣
When we’ve gone cold, we may not truly have lost interest in our partners,
我们只是想静一静而不是去伤害 去对另一半发脾气
we might just need an opportunity to imagine that we are quietely really rather hurt and furious with them
我们需要尝试一次冷静的沟通
and we should have access to a safe forum
让我们最柔弱、最核心的感觉不冒风险的 被知晓、被净化、被理解
in which our tender but critical feelings can be aired, purged and understood without risk of humiliation

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我们为何会对另一半越来越冷漠?我们又该如何重回热恋?且带着思考看下去,你会获得答案。

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软玉温香

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知易行难

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRaaqN2Atxw

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