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我们为何要选择自杀

Why we choose suicide | Mark Henick | TEDxToronto

I was barely a teenager
我第一次想要自杀的时候
the first time I tried to kill myself.
还只是个青少年
If I knew then what I know now,
要是那个时候 我就知道我现在知道的
well, it probably wouldn’t have changed very much
一切大概也不会有太多的改变
And it probably wouldn’t have changed very much
而一切不会有太多改变的原因则是
because sometimes it doesn’t matter what you know,
有时候你知道的毫无意义
what you feel just takes over.
你感觉到的会主宰一切
And there’s so many ways like this,
所以也存在许多
that our perception becomes limited.
我们知觉被限制住的情况
In fact, our perception is its limits.
事实上 我们的知觉是有局限性的
And these limits are created
而我们的生理 心理和社会
by our biology, by our psychology, by our society.
造成了这样的局限
These are the factors which create that bubble which surrounds us
这些因素在我们的知觉范畴
that is our perceptual field,
在我们的世界周围
our world as we know it.
构建了一个巨大的泡泡
Now this bubble, our perceptual field,
而我们知觉范畴的泡泡
has this incredible ability to expand and to contract
有着不可思议的扩张和收缩的能力
based on changes in any of those factors which create and inform it.
会随着那些影响它的因素变化而变化
Most of us have experienced
我们大多数人都感受过
the challenges of the contraction of our perception from time to time.
知觉的间歇性收缩带来的挑战
Think about that time,
想想那样一个时刻
when you got cut off in traffic in the city,
你在这座城市遇到了交通堵塞
it was probably today, let’s face it.
可能就是今天 想象一下
When it happened,
碰到交通堵塞的时候
maybe you felt your heart rate start to quicken,
你或许会感觉到你的心跳开始加速
your face flush.
脸部发热
You jammed on your brakes in order to avoid a collision.
你会使劲地踩刹车来避免追尾
And when you did,
而在这样的一个时间点
you focused in on that one license plate as it sped by.
你注意到一辆加速通过的车的车牌
Maybe the only thing to go through your mind at that time
或许那时你脑子里唯一的想法
was how creative you could be in the words
是你可以朝着窗外的那个家伙
you were about to hurl out the window at that guy
骂出多么有创造性的措辞
Now eventually, your perception would have returned to normal,
最后 你的知觉会回到正常
You would have relaxed,
整个人放松下来
you would have gone on with your day.
继续你的一天
You probably would have even forgotten about it.
你甚至大概会忘掉这件事
But imagine you didn’t.
但想象一下你没有忘掉
Imagine you stayed there,
你还坐在那
stuck there, in that narrow, dark place.
堵在那个逼仄而又黑暗的地方
Well that’s what it can be like to live with a mental illness.
那就像是带着心理疾病生活的样子
At least, that’s what it was like for me,
至少对于像我这种青少年时期
at the depth of my own mental illness as a teenager.
就患有重度心理疾病的人来说是这样的
My perception had become constricted,
我的知觉变得狭隘
and darkened, and collapsed.
变得阴沉 逐渐崩溃
I felt like an asthmatic
我感觉自己像是一个在飓风中
who had lost his glasses in a hurricane.
失去了眼镜的哮喘病人
So when I was sitting in that chair,
所以当我坐在
across from my eighth-grade guidance counselor,
我八年级辅导员对面的座位上时
the only thing that I could think was
我唯一能想到的东西是
“You’re not good enough.”
“你不够优秀”
“You’re not smart enough.”
“你不够聪明”
“You’re not enough.”
“你不够”
And it didn’t matter if I was
就算我足够好也不会有多大用
because these were the constricted limits of my perception.
这都是我知觉上的狭隘的局限
So when I held that 8-inch chef’s knife in my hand
所当我把那把八英寸长的厨师刀拿在手中
and I raised it to my throat,
抵在我的喉咙上
and I pressed it there
往下压
and I felt the blood begin to trickle down my hand,
感受到血顺着手流下的时候
the only thing I could think in that moment,
我脑海中唯一的念头是
“Nobody would even know you’ were gone.”
“甚至没人知道你的死去”
I heard the guidance counselor ask from across the room,
我听见屋子对面传来了辅导员的喊声
miles away,
似乎有几公里远
it seemed like,he said,”Mark! Please don’t.”
他好像在说 “Mark 不要这样”
I heard him, but I wasn’t listening.
我听见了 但我没有听进去
I just took a deep breath.
我只是做了一个深呼吸
“I don’t have a choice.”
“我没有选择的余地”
Had the guidance counselor not reached for me from across the room,
如果辅导员当初没有房间那头过来抓住我
tackled me to the floor, wrestled that knife from my hand,
把我按在地上 夺走我手中那把刀
maybe I wouldn’t be here today.
或许今天我已经不在这了
I think about that a lot.
我想了很多
Now, not all days were that traumatic.
如今 不是所有的日子都那么痛苦
In fact, most days I probably seemed just like any other normal kid,
实际上 大多数日子里我除了安静一点
if not a little quiet.
看上去和其他正常孩子没什么差别
And because the truth is, I was.
因为这就是事实 我就是这样
In fact I was so normal,
曾经的我很正常
Most people would have never guessed.
大部分人永远不会猜到(我曾试图自杀)
They probably would have even been surprised to find out
他们要是发现
how I would hate the way the sunlight came into my window every morning
我多么憎恨早晨阳光照进窗户的姿态
when I would wake up.
大概会感到惊诧
And I know that some of you know that feeling, too.
但是我知道你们有些人有过这种感觉
I was so normal that a few years later,
我没能得到我迫切需要的帮助
after not getting the help that I so clearly needed,
经过很多年才变得像这样一样正常
Most people would have never known that I was the one
大部分人永远不会知道
that had caused so much commotion late one night
我曾在某个深夜想要跳桥了结自己
when I tried to jump from an overpass.
还因为这件事引起了巨大的骚动
Then again, if they did know,
再说了 就算他们会知道
I would have been the last to find out anyway
我也会是最后一个被发现的
because that’s how these types of things go.
因为这就是这类事情的发展方式
People seem plenty eager to talk about mental illness and about suicide
人们似乎只要关上门来并放低声音
just as long as it’s behind closed doors and in hushed voices.
就有足够的兴致来谈论心理疾病和自杀
Well, this is the part that I’m doing differently with you today.
我如今所做的和你们不同的地方在于
By sharing with you my experiences,
我想通过分享我的经历
I hope to raise my voice.
去发出更大的声音
And I hope to open those doors.
我想打开那道门
And this is how I do it: I remember.
我所做的事情 叫做铭记
I remember I was wandering the empty streets of my hometown.
我记得我在家乡空荡荡的街道上晃荡
I was alone this time, unlike that other time,
不像其他时候 我那时候孤身一人
and it’s because I wanted to die alone.
因为我想独自死去
My mind was running, screaming,
我的思维在飞驰 在尖叫
shaking, collapsing in on itself again.
在动摇 并再一次崩溃
When you’re in that place,
当你站在那个地方
and your perception is collapsing like that,
心理也像那样崩溃
those old thoughts kept coming back again,
之前的想法卷土重来
“You’re not good enough,”
“你不够优秀”
“You’re not smart enough,”
“你不够聪明”
“You’re not enough.”
“你不够”
So, I walked up,
因此我向前走着
and I approached the railing to the overpass.
走近了立交桥上的栏杆
I walked along it, I looked over,
然后望着桥的那头 沿着栏杆继续走
I came to a light post on my left-hand side,
走到左手边的一根灯柱边上后
and I stopped.
我停了下来
“Should I hang in there for just one more day?”
“我应该在晃荡中又度过一天吗?”
That’s a phrase that people always seem to ask themselves
我发现人们想要自杀时
when they’re suicidal I have found,
总会问自己这样一句话
I asked it to myself
我问过自己这个问题
and others with whom I’ve worked, young people today,
我曾经的同事 现在的年轻人
they’ve asked it, too.
他们也想过这个问题
It’s this instinctual word of hope,
这句话潜存着一种本能的希望
“Should I hang on there for just one more day?”
“我应该像这样在晃荡中度过又一天吗?”
For what?
为了什么?
To be that crazy kid?
就为了疯疯癫癫的?
I’ve already held on for this long,
我都坚持了这么久了
and things haven’t gotten any better.
也没有出现任何转机
Why would I keep trying?
那为什么还要一直坚持?
What hasn’t been working?
我做的又有什么作用?
I’m not crazy.
我没有疯
My perception was collapsing.
只是我的知觉崩溃了
It was squeezing out that instinctual hope
这种崩溃在榨干每个人心里
that everybody has inside of them.
潜存的本能的希望
So I climbed the railing in three parts,
所以我就像爬梯子一样
like rungs on a ladder.
分三步爬上了栏杆
I was being very careful not to slip.
非常小心地不让自己滑倒
I climbed back down the other side again.
接着又从另一边爬了下去
I had very few choices in my life.
我的人生中所做的选择很少
But this, this was certainly one.
但是 这是最为明确的一个
And I needed something, anything,
我明白我需要什么东西
that I could be certain about.
我需要一切
So I turned around.
所以我转过了身
I felt the railing pressing against my back, just below my shoulder blades,
我感受到栏杆在肩胛骨的下面挤压着我
I stretched my arms out on its cool metal surface.
我沿着冰凉的金属杆伸开了双臂
I remember feeling raindrops under my fingers.
我记得我感受到了手指下的雨滴
I looked down at my shoes.
我低头看向我的鞋子
My running shoes were old, worn out, tired.
那双跑鞋已经破得不能再破
My heels were on the concrete,
我的脚后跟踩在水泥地上
my toes were on nothing.
脚趾悬在空中
I looked past my toes
我扫视从我的脚趾
to the ground 50 or so feet below,
到下方50英尺左右的地面
And on the ground, I saw a rusted out chain linked fence
地面上有着一个栅栏 上面连着生锈的铁链
topped by three strings of barbed wire.
顶端还有三根带刺的铁丝
As I was standing there in that moment,
彼时我就站在那里
the only thing that I could think from my collapsed perception was
在我崩溃的知觉之中的唯一念头是
“How far out would I need to jump from this bridge
我需要从这座桥上跳出多远
so I wouldn’t land on that fence?”
才不会落在栅栏上
Because I just didn’t want it to–
因为我只是不想
I just didn’t want it to hurt anymore.
只是不想伤害到其他人
In that moment, my entire life was completely in my control.
在那一刻 我的整个生命完全在我的掌控之中
And when you’re living in a hurricane like this, all the time,
当你一直像是生活在一场飓风中时
that’s a really unfamiliar,
那是一种绝对陌生
but really satisfying feeling,
但是绝对曼妙的感觉
to feel like you have control over your whole life.
那是能感受到自己的生命握在自己手中的感觉
So I stayed like that for a while.
所以我像那样停了一会
I just stood there in that feeling,
就只是带着那种感觉站在那
experiencing that feeling of having agency over my life for a change.
体验那种因为改变而主宰了我的生命的感觉
Eventually I was brought back into the present
最终我被一个
by a man’s voice over my right shoulder.
从我右肩传来的男性声音拉回现实
I talked to him for a while,
我跟他聊了一会
but, even today, I don’t remember about what.
但到了今天 我已经记不清我们聊了些什么
He was wearing a light brown jacket, but I don’t remember his face.
他穿着一件浅棕色的夹克 但我记不得他的脸
I didn’t look back long enough, and I never saw him again.
我回头的时间不够长 之后也再没见过他
Before I knew it,
当知道它之前
I could see flashing lights from the corner of my eyes.
我能从眼角瞥见闪烁的灯光
I looked to my right and to my left,
向左右两边看了看之后
and there were three police cars on either side blocking off the street.
我看到两边各有三辆警车封锁了街道
There were crowds of late night gatherers,
那里有成群深夜的围观者
gawking at me from either side.
在两边傻傻地看着我
This was two or three in the morning, I guess.
那大概是凌晨两三点吧
Either they came home from the bars
他们要么是从酒吧回来
or they just walked up to see what was going on.
要么就只是走过来看看发生了什么
A male voice from my right side,
一个男人的声音从我的右边传来
I heard him scream to me,
我听到他对我大喊
“Jump, you coward!”
“跳 你个懦夫!”
OK, that’s enough.
好的 这就够了
Again. I took a deep breath in
又一次 我做了一个深呼吸
and as I did, my arms seemed to rise from the railing
从栏杆上抬起了手
like they’d suddenly become weightless and unburdened.
它们仿佛突然没有了重量 也不再有负担
I could feel the edge of the concrete
我能感觉到足弓底下
under the arches of my feet begin to shift.
水泥地的边缘在移动
I started to pitch forward.
我开始向前扑去
And as I did, I felt the wind blow around my body,
风拂过我的身体
and on my face, and through my hair,
我的脸 我的头发
and it felt free.
这种感觉十分自在
Then an arm reached around my chest,
然后一只手臂圈住了我的前胸
a hand grabbed the back of my shirt.
又一只手抓住了我后背的衬衫
The man in the light brown jacket later told police
那个身穿浅棕色夹克的男子后来告诉警察
that my body was completely limp when he grabbed me,
他抓住我的时候 我的身体完全软掉了
and he dragged me backward over the railing.
然后他把我拖回了栏杆里头
Can suicide really be a choice
如果只有自杀这个选择可行的时候
if it’s the only choice available?
它真的能算是一个选择吗
We ask ourselves,
我们要问自己
“How can it be the only choice?”
它怎么就成了唯一的选择?
“How can it even be a rational choice?”
这怎么能是一个合理的选择?
And hopefully, we wonder,
万幸 我们会想知道
and we ask ourselves how we can help.
会问自己 我们要怎样才能帮上忙
Well, we can start to help
那么 我们可以从这里开始
by better appreciating that our mental health is contingent on
更好的理解我们的心理健康
the state and the flexibility of our perceptions.
取决于知觉的状态和灵活性
Whether we have a mental illness or not,
无论我们是否存在着心理疾病
how expanded or how contracted our perception becomes
我们的知觉的扩张或者收缩
impacts the choices that we make.
都影响着我们的选择
When I was standing on that bridge,
当我站在那座桥上的时候
my perception was so collapsed
我的知觉崩溃了
that I only had that one choice.
我也就只剩下了一个选择
When we encounter the suicide of somebody else,
当遇到别人自杀的时候
we always seem to try to rationalize it,
我似乎总能听到
I hear it all the time.
我们在试图将其合理化
And I think that’s because we’re uncomfortable
但我认为自杀是因为
with feeling helpless and with not understanding.
我们对于无助和不被理解感到不适
But since we know
但是我们知道
that our perceptions are created and continually informed
我们的生理 心理和社会
by our biology, by our psychology, and by our society,
缔造了我们的知觉 并在不断改变着它
We actually have many entry points
我们也就有了很多方式
for potentially helping and better understanding suicide.
去更好地理解自杀 并提供可能的帮助
One way that we can help
我们能提供的一种帮助是
is to stop saying that people commit suicide.
不要说人们自杀是罪
People commit rape, they commit murder, but nobody has committed suicide
这个国家自20世纪70年代初自杀合法化之后
in this country since the early 1970s when suicide was decriminalized.
有人犯了强奸罪 有人犯了杀人罪 但没有人犯自杀罪
And that’s because suicide is a public health concern,
因为自杀是公共健康问题
not a criminal one.
而不是犯罪问题
And it’s a health concern, we know that.
我们知道的 这是一个健康问题
90 % of people who die by suicide
90%的死于自杀的人
have a diagnosable and treatable mental illness
在他们死去时有着可以诊断
at the time of their death.
也可以治疗的精神疾病
And we know that, with medication, with psychotherapy,
而且我们也知道 药物治疗和心理治疗
these treatments work,
这些治疗方式是有作用的
So we need to make these treatments more available
所以我们需要让这些治疗方式
and in an informed way to everybody.
对每个人来说都更为适用 也更容易获得
And we can be a part of that change,
而不论我们是否具有心理疾病
whether we have a mental illness or not
只要我们对自己的心理健康负了责
by taking charge of our own mental health
就成为了这个改变的一部分
When we go in for our annual physical,
当我们去做生理年检的时候
we make a point of doing an annual psychological, too.
不妨也注意做一个心理年检
At both the individual and the societal levels,
我们可以在个体与社会两个层面
we can challenge our old ideas
改变我们旧有的观念
like that old idea of saying that people”commit” suicide.
比如说自杀在大家看来是“罪”
When I first started out doing this,
刚开始做这些的时候
I used to beg for somebody
我都是带着祈求的语气
to do something about suicide and stigma.
去求别人为自杀和歧视做点什么
Well, that’s not acceptable anymore.
但人们不再接受这样的方式之后
So instead, I’ve started doing something.
我开始自己去做点什么
When a leading cause of death
当自杀成为一个孩子出生的头一年里
among new mothers in the first year after childbirth is suicide,
新妈妈的主要死因
that’s not acceptable either.
这不能被接受
When our First Nations Inuit and Mantis communities are being ravaged
当第一国家因纽特和螳螂社区
by a suicide rate 5-6 times higher than the national average,
因为一个国家平均水平五到六倍的自杀率而毁掉
that’s not acceptable.
这不能被接受
When almost a quarter of 15 to 25-year-olds
当有接近四分之一的15岁到25岁的年青人
who die at all die by suicide,
因为自杀而死去
that is not acceptable.
这是不能被接受的
So, like I said,
所以 如我所说
when I used to plead for people to do something,
当我过去恳请人们做些什么的时候
and that’s not acceptable either,
那也是不可接受的
Well, you’re here and you’re doing something already,
在座的你们就已经是在做出改变了
because you’re changing the way you think,
你们在改变着你们的思考方式
and that’s what changes the world.
而那正是可以改变这个世界的东西
For those of you who might be thinking about suicide today
你们之中那些如今可能想着自杀的人
Good. Keep thinking about it.
很好 保持对它的思考
And then, start talking about it.
然后 开始谈论它
And then, start doing something about it, too.
再之后 也开始做一些什么
And for those of you who might be contemplating suicide,
而你们之中那些可能正尝试自杀的人
I know that there’s a hope somewhere deep inside you.
我知道你的内心深处存在着希望
I’ve felt it, too.
我也能感受到的
Keep that hope alive.
不要让那个希望熄灭
We need you.
我们需要你
We need you to be leaders in this conversation,
无论是否已经准备好
whether we are ready to have it or not.
我们需要你来开启对话
And trust me, if you’re anything like me,
如果你是像我一样的人 请相信我
it’s this conversation that’s going to keep you alive,
这些交谈会让你活下去
every single day,
每一天
As though you’ve got just one more day.
就像你又多活了一天
Thank you.
谢谢
(Applause)
(鼓掌)

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视频概述

自杀已经成为一个严重的心理健康问题,演讲者讲述了自己的心路历程,并向社会呼吁,去关注自杀,并做些什么。而演讲要讲的,则是我们作为个体所能为自杀者做的。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

风荷一一

审核员

审核员1024

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1QoyTmeAYw

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