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你知道自己的冲突导火索是什么吗?

Why People Live in Dysfunctional Patterns: Domestic Abuse, Family & Workplace Conflict | Dan Shapiro

你知道你的冲突导火索是什么吗?【前奏】
【前奏】
有多少次你发现在工作中与同样的人
So how many times have you found yourself at work and you get into the same conflict
陷入同样的冲突 一次又一次
again and again with that same person at work?
或者有多少个周末你与你的配偶或孩子在家吵架呢
Or how many weekends have you spent arguing with your spouse or your kid at home?
每天或每周的争执不尽相同
The conflict might be different from day to day, week to week, but the dynamic is the
但这动态过程却是相同的
same.
这就是西格蒙德·弗洛伊德提出的强迫性复现症
This is what Sigmund Freud originally called the repetition compulsion.
即我们会重复一些相同的机能失调的行为
And this is the fact that we all tend to repeat the same dysfunctional patterns of behavior
一遍又一遍一遍又一遍 即使潜意识会说 不要做这个了
again and again and again and again even though our conscious mind says, “Don’t do that,
别做这个 别这么说 别这么说--这就是强迫性复现症
don’t do that, don’t say that, don’t say that!”—this is the repetition compulsion,
这不仅仅只是一种习惯
and it’s more than just a habit.
而是我们的思维倾向于这样思考
This is a special feature of how our minds tend to work.
起初弗洛伊德认为这是人的天性 我们这样是因为他所说的避苦趋乐
Initially Sigmund Freud thought that we human beings, we operate on what he called the pleasure
的本能
principle.
我们喜欢趋利避害
We love pleasure and we like to move away from pain.
他开始研究那些似乎总是逃离一段痛苦关系
And then he started working with a whole bunch of people who actually seemed to move from
又落入另一段痛苦关系中的人
one painful relationship to another.
你发现当你身处一段令人痛苦的关系之中时 你会逃离
So you find yourself in one domestic abuse relationship, you get out of it, but then
然后你又投入另一段痛苦关系之中
you move to another.
在一个机构中 你发现自己和下属处在一段机能失调的关系里时
You find yourself in a dysfunctional relationship with your subordinates in one organization.
你会去另一个机构 “但他们也不好相处!”
You move to a different organization: “But they’re dysfunctional here as well!”
可能这不是其他人的问题
Maybe it’s not just everybody else.
可能部分是你自己的原因
Maybe, in part, it’s you.
这是强迫性复现症
This is the repetition compulsion.
现在你该怎样处理这事呢
Now how do you deal with this thing?
首先你得意识到是你的问题
The first thing to do is to become aware of it.
你要进入的是一个什么典型模式
What is the typical pattern that you tend to fall in.
我的意思是 思考眼下在你的生活中令你痛苦的关系
I mean, think right now of a difficult relationship in your own life.
它可能来自你的个人生活 也可能来自你的工作
It could be in your personal life, it could be in your professional life.
你怎样处理这段关系中的冲突呢
How do you deal with conflict in that relationship?
它是怎样开始的呢
How does it start?
是对方微不足道的评论触动了你敏感的神经吗
Does the other side start by saying some little subtle comment that gets under your nerves?
然后你决定走开十五分钟 你满脸通红地回来了
And then you decide to walk away for 15 minutes, your face starts to get red, you come back
十五分钟后:“你这个混蛋!”
15 minutes later: “You’re such a jerk!”
你这样回应
And you respond like that.
或者是对方说了什么然后你回嘴
Or is it that one side says something and then you say something back and you very quickly
并且回得很快
confront?
你发现你经常陷入什么情况里呢
What’s the pattern that you find yourself typically getting into?
记住这种情况
Note that pattern.
这就是你的失和圈
That’s your cycle of discord.
这是一些典型的引发争吵的
And there typically is some sort of common thread or trigger, something that tends to
思考方式或引火索
commonly trigger those kinds of conflicts.
也许在这段关系里你总是感觉你是次要的
It might be that in your relationship you always feel second rung.
“你总是想表现得高我一头”
“You’re always trying to act so superior to me.”
或者你总是感觉被排斥 当对方说什么的时候
Or it might be that you always feel excluded, and the moment the other side says anything
甚至是些微妙的排斥 马上又使你回到了失和圈
that even subtly demonstrates exclusion, now you’re back in that cycle of discord.
你怎样处理这种强迫性重复呢
So how do you deal with the repetition compulsion?
首先你得意识到你的失和圈
The first step is to become aware of your cycle of discord.
谁说了什么
Who says what?
谁接下来说什么
Who says what next?
因为在你意识到这个模式的时刻 你才能决定打破这个模式的每个小关节
Because the moment you know that pattern, you can decide to break any little node in
从而跳出这个怪圈
that cycle and you break the whole cycle.
这里有一个令人沮丧的部分 特别令人沮丧
Here’s the frustrating part though—the honest-to-goodness frustrating part.
当你试图打破这种状态的时候 你会感觉很不舒服
The moment you try to break that pattern it’s going to feel extremely uncomfortable for
因为你知道
you, because this is what you know.
这是最真实的你
This is what is natural to who you are in your identity.
当你试图改变的时候 某种程度上 是对你身份的威胁
And the moment you try to change that cycle you’re in a sense threatening a part of
尽管出发点是好的 但这确实是对你身份的威胁
your identity—for a good reason, but you’re threatening it.
你身体的每个部分都想回到以前的状态
And every part of your body is going to want to move back to the way things were before.
举个例子吧
Let me give you an example.
举一个婚姻的例子
Let me take the spousal example.
夫妻俩在争吵
Husband and wife get into a conflict.
妻子情绪激动 需要点时间在说话之前
The wife experiences emotions very deeply and needs some time to boil in those emotions
缓和情绪
before she can talk.
丈夫想尽快解决这件事
The husband wants to get this thing over as quickly as possible.
这是两个经典的个体 而且你把他们放一块儿 那么 问题来了
Now you take those two classic individuals and you put them together, you have a real
丈夫想立即商讨这事 而妻子说
problem, because the husband wants to talk the thing out right away and the wife says,
“不不不
“No, no, no.
我想静静”
I want space.”
你处于追逐的情况下 一种可以避免攻击的情况
And you have a chase situation, an attack-avoid situation.
我的建议--我研究过这样的夫妇--在这种情况下我的建议是
My advice—and I’ve worked with couples like this—my advice in that kind of situation,
我曾受雇于一位丈夫 对此我给他的建议是
I was in one situation working with a husband and in that situation the advice to the husband
“你知道吗
was: “You know what?
当你和你的妻子开始吵架的时候
When you start to get into that conflict situation with your wife, don’t immediately try to
别马上吵
engage.
先冷静十分钟
Take ten minutes break.
告诉你的妻子 休息十分钟 然后再谈”
Tell your wife, ‘Let’s take a ten minute break and then let’s talk about this.’”
这个绅士两周后来找我
This gentleman came back to me two weeks later.
他说 这方法太好了 但这是世界上最难的事
He said, “This stuff works like magic, but this was the hardest thing in the world to do!” he said.
你知道的 在浴室里 看着十分钟过去
“Because I was there in the bathroom, you know, watching those ten minutes go by, and
我身体的每一根纤维 每一根血管都在祈求我 去吵吧 去吵吧
every thread in my body, every blood vessel and so on was begging me ‘go talk, go talk’,
太难受了
feeling so uncomfortable.”
这就是强迫性复现症的引诱
That’s the lure of that repetition compulsion.
但他在与它战斗
But he fought it.
十分钟过后 他说 嗨 亲爱的 谈谈吧
Ten minutes later, “Hey, honey, let’s talk.”
好的
“Okay, let’s talk.”
事情便变得不同了
And they’re in a very different place.
战胜强迫性复现症很难 但不是不可能
It’s not easy to fight the repetition compulsion but it is possible.
问问你自己 你的怪圈是什么
It takes mapping out: what is your cycle?
第二 你怎样打破这些呢
And two, how do you try to break this thing?
痛也要突破它
Uncomfortably try to break it.
渐渐地你会改变你的习惯 并且更加适应这种改变
Over time your habit will change and it’ll feel more comfortable.

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视频概述

当你觉得与周围的人格格不入时,别急着逃离,换种方式思考。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

大和守喵定

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译学馆审核团D

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0DMwdd9qLc

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