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为何爱情总是和想象中的不同 – 译学馆
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为何爱情总是和想象中的不同

Why Love Is Never As Nice As It Should Be

大多时候 我们的伴侣并不一定是
Often, our partner isn’t necessarily
故意要表现得很糟糕
being terrible in any overt way
但我们也会对二人的关系
but we feel a growing sadness
莫名产生日益增加的失落感
about the character of our relationship.
对方没有像我们期待的那样在乎我们
The partner isn’t as focused on us as we’d hoped.
他们常常不能正确地理解我们
There are often times when they don’t understand us properly.
经常忙得不可開交 或是一副心事重重的樣子
They’re often busy and preoccupied.
他们可能也会有点手忙脚乱 或是唐突
They can be a bit off-hand, or abrupt.
他们对我们日常生活的细节并没有太多兴趣
They’re not hugely interested in the details of our day.
他们甚至宁愿给朋友打电话 也不和我们聊天
They call their friends rather than talk with us.
我们会感觉彼此间不再吸引 为此失魂落魄
We feel disenchanted and let down.
我们本以为爱是那么可爱的
Love, was supposed to be lovely.
然而即使没有什么重要原因
But without any one huge thing having gone wrong,
慢慢地 它也开始有些不对劲了
it doesn’t feel much that way, day to day.
忧伤的缘由似是而非
This sorrow has a paradoxical source.
我们如今的沮丧是因为 从前我们曾有多么幸运
We’re upset now because at some point in the past, we were really rather fortunate.
我们悲伤 是因为我们曾经有过的幸运
We’re sad, because we’ve been lucky.
为了解释这种表面上的自相矛盾
To explain this seeming paradox,
我们需要看一下这种亲密关系的来源
we need to have a look at the intimate origins of love.
我们对一个美好而充满深情的关系的看法
Our idea of what a good, loving relationship should be like
以及 对被爱的感觉的理解
and what it feels like to be loved,
并不是来自我们在长大后的见闻
doesn’t ever come from what we’ve seen in adulthood.
而是源自某种更陌生而强大的力量
It arises from a stranger, more powerful source.
对于幸福情侣关系的看法的建立
The idea of a happy couplehood
都是在慰藉感 切实安全感和心有灵犀
taps into a fundamental picture of comfort, deep security, wordless communication,
以及孩提时代那样毫不费力地让别人理解自己需求的基础上
and of our needs being effortlessly understood that comes from early childhood.
在童年的黄金岁月里
At the best moments of childhood,
如果一切都顺利
if things went reasonably well,
深爱着我们的父母总会超乎想象地满足我们的要求
a loving parent offered us extraordinary satisfaction.
他们知道我们什么时候会饿 什么时候会累
They knew when we were hungry or tired.
即使我们全然不作解释
Even though we couldn’t usually explain.
而我们用不着费半点力气
We didn’t need to strive.
他们会让我们感到非常安全
They made us feel completely safe.
我们平安快乐地长大
We were held peacefully.
父母逗我们乐 也会娇纵我们
We were entertained, and indulged.
纵然不去回忆那些历历在目的微举
And even if we don’t recall the explicit details,
那种被珍爱的感觉
the experience of being cherished
也已在我们心中烙下了深深的印迹
has made a profound impression on us.
它就像所有理想化的爱的范本一样
It’s planted itself in our deep minds
会自己在我们心里生根发芽
as the ideal template of what love should be.
作为一名成年人 我们一直在有意无意间被爱这个概念所奴役
As adults, without really noticing, we continue to be enthralled to this notion of being loved.
企图将从前最好的时光投影到现在的关系上
Projecting the best experience of our early years into our present relationships.
却发现它们有多么匮乏
And finding them sorely wanting as a result.
这种对比 几乎有些腐蚀人心 同时也有点不公
A comparison, that is profoundly corrosive and unfair.
父母对我们的爱 不是成年后的爱情可以复制的范本
The love we receive from a parent can’t ever be a workable model for our later adult experience of love.
理由很简单
The reason is fundamental,
我们那时还是小孩
we were a baby then
现在却是大人了
we are an adult now.
一个分叉会有许多重要分支
A dichotomy with several key ramifications.
首先 我们的需求如此简单
For a start, our needs were so much simpler.
那时 我们需要洗澡 需要被逗笑
Back then, we needed to be washed and amused,
放到床上
put to bed..
但是我们不需要谁
But we didn’t need someone to trawl
自作聪明地去探秘我们内心不安的角落
intelligently through the troubled corners of our minds.
不需要照料我们的人知道
We didn’t need a caregiver to understand
为什么我们更喜欢一类电视节目而不是另一类
why we prefer the first series of a television show to the second.
为什么在周日必须要去探望我们的阿姨
Why its necessary to see our aunt on Sunday.
抑或是为何窗帘和沙发布面有没有和谐搭配对我们如此重要
Or why it matters so much to us that the curtains harmonize with the sofa covers?
又或是面包必须要用合适的面包刀来切
Or that bread must be cut with a proper bread knife.
父母完全了解我们在生理心理方面基本需要些什么
A parent knew absolutely what was required in relation to certain basic physical and emotional requirements.
而我们的伴侣 却总是在一些极细微(也许确实不明显 难以言表)
Our partner on the other hand, is stumbling in the dark around needs that are immensely subtle,
的需求上一头雾水
far from obvious, and very complicated to deliver upon.
其次 这一切都是单向给予
Secondly, none of it was reciprocal back then.
父母无微不至地照顾着我们
The parent was intensely focused on caring for us
但是完全不求也没想过要什么回报
but they knew and totally accepted that we wouldn’t engage with their needs.
甚至不曾想过 他们能给我们带来麻烦 或是期待我们赡养他们
They didn’t for a second imagine that they could take their troubles to us, or expect us to nurture them.
他们不需要我们问他们过得怎样
They didn’t need us to ask them about their day.
我们要做的幸而如此简单
Our responsibility was blissfully simple.
只要陪在他们身边 他们就满足了
All we had to please them, was to exist.
一些很平常的举动 打滚
Our most ordinary actions, rolling over on our tummy,
用小手去抓一块饼干
grasping a biscuit in our tiny hand,
都能毫不费力地让他们开心
enchanted them with ease.
我们被爱着 却不需要去爱
We were loved, we didn’t have, to love.
爱这一巧妙的模糊表达往往让我们忽视了
A distinction between kinds of love which language normally artfully blurs, shielding us from the difference
优越地被爱与长久而艰辛地去爱之间的区别
between being the privileged customer of love, or its more exhausted and long suffering provider.
此外 父母可能会宽容地
Futhermore, our parents were probably kind enough
掩饰照看我们给他们
to shield us from the burden
带来的压力
that looking after us imposed on them.
他们一直表现得很乐观阳光
They maintained a reasonably sunny facade,
直到他们回到自己的房间
until they retired to their own bedroom.
这时 他们真实的心情才流露出来
At which, the true toll of their efforts could be witnessed
但那时我们已经睡着了
but, by then, we were asleep.
他们尊重我们 从来不会展示养育我们所付出的代价
They did us the honor of not quite showing us what looking after us cost them.
这看起来不错
Which was immensely kind,
其实却像是一直在帮我们倒忙
but did us one lasting disservice,
它会让我们不知不觉间对爱我们的人
It may have unwittingly created an expectation
有一种妄想
of what it could mean for someone to love us
然而这本来就是虚妄的
which was never true in the first place.
我们可能在日后和对我们发怒的人分手
We might in later life, end up with lovers who are techy with us
那些在一天忙碌后累到不想和我们说话的人
who are too tired to talk at the end of the day,
那些对我们的古怪动作一点也不惊奇的人
who don’t marvel at our every antic,
那些甚至对我们说话感到厌烦的人
who can’t even be bothered to listen to what we’re saying
我们会感到一点苦涩
and we might feel, with some bitterness
因为这不是我们的父母对待我们的方式
that this is not how our parents were
然而讽刺的是 这和我们父母的心境一样
The irony which has its redeeming side, is that in truth, this is exactly how our parents were,
他们在卧室里烦恼时 我们已经睡着了 完全不知道
just up in their bedroom, when we were asleep, and realize nothing.
我们现在悲伤的来源
The source of our present sorrow
也因此并不是一种成年后的爱人特有的失败
is not, therefore, a special failing on the part of our adult lovers.
他们并不是很笨拙或者是极其自私
They are not tragically inept nor uniquely selfish.
事实是我们更愿意用一种童年之爱的眼光
It’s rather that we’re judging our adult experiences
来看待我们的成年经历
in the light of a very different kind of childhood love.
我们悲伤不是因为我们跟选错了人
We are sorrowful not because we have landed with the wrong person,
而是因为 很不幸地 我们不得不成长
but because we have sadly been forced to grow up.

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视频概述

小时候,我们会有父母对我们宠溺式的爱,但是这种爱也给我们之后的爱情观造成了深远的影响,我们会用父母的爱来对比伴侣的爱,而这也会在我们心里产生落差,变的很难过……

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视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7hKC01e-NQ

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