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为什么当海盗很糟糕

Why It Sucked to Be a Pirate

为什么当海盗不好玩
-嗨 小杰米-嗯 有毛事?
-Hey, little Jimmy. -Yeah, what’s up?
-你喜欢看加勒比海盗吗-嗯 蛮好的
-Do you like Pirates of the Caribbean? -Yeah, it’s all right.
-那你觉得当海盗好玩吗-必须的
-So, do you think it would be fun to be a pirate?-Yeah.
知道不? 你是个二货
Well, guess what? You couldn’t be more wrong.
-尼玛-真的
-Oh, fuck.-Yeah, I know.
每个娃儿多少都曾幻想
At some point, every kid is dreamed about
当个外表狂霸 撸着JI巴 娘们大嘴巴 吹着喇叭的海盗
being a swashbuckling and corn shucker and wife-cackling and cock-suckling pirate.
但你要相信哥 童话里都是骗人的
But trust me when I say it was really not all it’s cracked up to be.
我们先来谈谈吃的
First, we’ll talk about the food.
海盗的主食之一是腌肉
So one staple of the pirate’s diet was salted meat,
一般不是野牛肉就是野猪肉
usually wild oxen or pork.
我和下页的哥们都喜欢牛肉干
And I love jerky as much as the next guy,
但这可不像现在的牛肉干
But this wasn’t like a bag of Jack Link’s.
实际上 你肯定没吃过这类和皮鞋差不多的肉干
In fact, it was probably closer and textured to your shoes than any meat you’ve ever eaten.
那会儿 你可没法子“咔擦”来口肉肠
In those days, you couldn’t just snap into a Slim Jim,
这些玩意都是现代的奢侈品
that’s a modern luxury that we take for granted.
那时的口号是:
Back then, the slogan was:
“嘬上几分钟肉肠 磨上一阵牙口
“Gnaw on a slim jim for minutes on end, grinding it between your molars
用齁麻了的嘴巴
while the gallons of salt turn your mouth into a desert,
泡软这坨烂肉
until the mangled hunk of flesh in your mouth is just soft enough
把它怼进狗日的喉咙 最好别拉出个窟窿”
to be shoved down your greasy fucking pirate throat without tearing a hole.”
另一种主食叫“硬货”
Another essential food item was known as Hardtack.
这货基本上是面粉和水烤出来的面砖
This was essentially just flour and water baked into a cracker like brick.
没啥味儿也就算了
Beyond the fact that it was totally flavorless,
关键还贼特么硬
Hardtack was also extremely dense,
硬到吃之前要来上这么几拳
to the point where pirates would often have to slam their fists down on it
因为不拍成块你是咬不下来的
in order to break it into pieces small enough to fit in their mouths.
这玩意只要还干着 就坏不了
As long as it was kept dry, Hardtack almost never spoiled,
虽然它经常会招一堆米虫子
although it often became infested with weevils.
那个…领导 我只吃素
Umm, excuse me, sir, I’m a vegan.
所以…能换一块不?
So I… Can I have a new piece?
换块不含有机肉的 谢谢
One without any of mother nature’s beautiful creatures in it, thanks.
等等…我面筋过敏
Wait a minute, is this gluten-free?
论绳子我只要纯麻的!
This better be hemp rope!
还好米虫不带病 对味道也没啥影响
Now but the weevils didn’t make you sick or change the taste all that much.
所以呢 (敲黑板)
So, and this is true,
船员一般都闭着眼吃它
the crew would just eat it in the dark.
这样的话
So that way, they couldn’t tell
有没有虫就无所谓了
if they were eating a normal chunk or a weevily one.
然后就是会比较挤
Then there is the crowding.
往海盗船上塞人当然多多益善
So pirate ships typically packed in as many crew members as possible,
因为盗多力量大
because more pirates means more manpower
登敌船干架时人手才多
when you go to board an enemy ship.
当然缺点也很明显
Of course the downside to that is that
就是挤得和长毛的沙丁鱼似的
you’re basically like a bunch of hairy unwashed sardines.
让我们想象一个美妙的甲板下之夜
Let me illustrate what a typical night below-deck was like.
你躺在温润又毛茸茸的实木地板上
So you sprawl out on the damp musty wood floor,
在黑暗中思索人生
everything’s pitch-black, you can’t see a thing.
贪婪的呼吸着恒河上空一样的神圣空气
The smell of the filth and the mold forces you to only breathe through your mouth.
突然 你的左手湿了
Suddenly, your left hand feels wet,
是被有生命的海水净化了吧?
probably just sea water leaking through the hole.
你不禁闻了起来:“次噢 船友尿了”
You sniff your hand: “nope, no, that’s piss.”
你又感到有东西在蹭你的胳膊
You feel something furry rub up against your elbow,
这特么不是病耗子
it was either the body of a diseased rat,
就是你病重船友的胡子
or the beard of your diseased crew mate.
这特么 八成就是这小子尿的
Either way, that’s probably where the piss came from.
隔壁有人在大声的叫船
Some guy’s moaning loudly in the next room.
希望他只是在放空自己
Hopefully he’s just jerking off,
要是他挂了 明天还得帮着抬尸体
cuz if he’s dying, there’s one more body to deal with in the morning.
度过了充实的夜晚 转眼又是白天
These things repeat for 8 hours, and then it’s daytime.
单调的饮食和逼仄的条件
The poor diet and cramped conditions
让疾病成了海盗船上的大问题
led the disease being a huge problem aboard pirate ships.
其中最著名的就是“坏血病”
The most well known of these diseases is ‘scurvy’
即维生素C缺乏症
when you don’t get enough vitamin C.
一开始
When scurvy first begins,
你只是老觉得累 这都不是事
you just kind of feel tired all the time, no big deal.
然后身上长出奇怪的斑点 牙龈开始出血
Then you get weird spots on your skin and your gum start bleeding.
继续下去 你牙会掉光
This progresses until all your teeth fall out,
然后身体粘膜开始飙血 流脓
and all of your body’s mucous membranes start gushing blood and pus,
然后你就挂了
causing you to die.
真是棒棒哒
So that’s a lot of fun.
当然这只是毛毛雨啦
There were tons of other diseases too.
我就不一一列举了
I won’t go through them all,
随意列出几个你们感受下
but here’s a few honorable mentions.
有人提到酗酒也是病
Also some people say that alcoholism is a disease,
我开始慌了
I might just be disturbed,
因为我肯定会喝到死
cuz that’s one sickness I could definitely get down with.
如果喝酒算是病 那所有海盗都有病
If it is a disease in the end, just about every pirate has this one.
我觉得这都能算的上是海盗生活的阳光面了
If anything though, I call that one of the few upsides of pirate life.
最终 可以来战斗了!
Finally, there is the combat.
所以 费这么大劲活到现在
So you’ve gone through all these disgusting horrible living conditions,
至少可以享受战斗的刺激了吧?
but at least you can enjoy the thrill of battle, right?
口中咬着刀剑 在绳上来回纵跃
Swinging from rope to rope, sword in your mouth,
刀剑激烈的决斗 有没有这档子事?
long intense saber duels, that kind of thing?
扯淡 谁告诉你的?
But that’s typically not how it went down.
只要海盗一登船 就一件事
For one thing, when pirates boarded a ship,
就是十有八九对方秒投
9 times out of 10 they just surrender immediately.
不然你觉得 一群西装革履的商人
Because what are a bunch of well-groomed merchants gonna do
会怎么和一群膈应的野人干仗呢?
against the horde of disgusting barbarians?
如果他们决定要反抗
If the defending ship did decide to fight back though,
那么结果估计不会像电影般美好
the resulting brawl wouldn’t be anything like the movies.
但过程绝对比限制级电影好看
It would be way worse like immediate R-rating.
要知道你盗哥可是靠残暴吃饭的
Because pirates rely a lot on brutality,
你想欺负他们读书少
both because they don’t have much real training,
那你先会被吓出屎来
and because it scares the shit out of people.
如果你穿越回去成了水手
If you were a deckhand on an invaded ship,
想拿海盗试试你的主角光环
and you were stupid enough to fight back,
应该不会有镜头供你撒欢
you wouldn’t be dancing around doing flips and shit, none of that.
他们会拿枪往你肚子上一崩
Instead, they’d probably shoot you in the stomach with a flintlock pistol,
再往地上一踹
kick you to the ground,
用斧子把你肩膀一卸
chop off your shoulder blade with a hand axe,
拿穿绳针把你眼一挖
gouge out your eyes with a marline spike,
再把你肠子往船头一系
wind your intestines around the prow,
然后还没死透就被扔下去了
and then toss your twitching body overboard.
我只是夸张了那么一点点
And that’s only a slight exaggeration.
恕我直言 如果杰克船长被真海盗盯上
Honestly, if Jack Sparrow got attacked by actual pirates,
他肯定活不过一集
he wouldn’t last a second.
这就像一个二手车贩子去监狱里逞能:
It’s kind of like a used-car salesman going to prison like:
妥妥的
“I’ll be fine.
凭我的聪明才智和个人魅力
If anybody tries intimidating me,
还怕有人威胁吗?
I can get out of it with my quick wit and charming personality.”
小妞 你的屁股好性感
Boy, you look real pretty from behind.
略略略略略…
[Lapping]
噢…菊花开了!
Oh wow, I’m boned!
所以 简而言之
So yeah, in short,
如果你幻想有人来救你
if you’re thinking about pulling a captain Phillips anytime soon,
劝你还是省省吧
I’d advise against it.
本期到此为止 下回再见
That’s all for today, till next time.
这是Sam O’Nella 感谢收看
I’m Sam O’Nella, and thank you for watching.
片尾音乐
[Outro♪]

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视频概述

加勒比海盗之……现实版

听录译者

拟态

翻译译者

拟态

审核员

审核员 W

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORmUUhh6O-8

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