-嗨 小杰米-嗯 有毛事？
-Hey, little Jimmy. -Yeah, what’s up?
-Do you like Pirates of the Caribbean? -Yeah, it’s all right.
-So, do you think it would be fun to be a pirate?-Yeah.
Well, guess what? You couldn’t be more wrong.
-Oh, fuck.-Yeah, I know.
At some point, every kid is dreamed about
当个外表狂霸 撸着JI巴 娘们大嘴巴 吹着喇叭的海盗
being a swashbuckling and corn shucker and wife-cackling and cock-suckling pirate.
But trust me when I say it was really not all it’s cracked up to be.
First, we’ll talk about the food.
So one staple of the pirate’s diet was salted meat,
usually wild oxen or pork.
And I love jerky as much as the next guy,
But this wasn’t like a bag of Jack Link’s.
In fact, it was probably closer and textured to your shoes than any meat you’ve ever eaten.
In those days, you couldn’t just snap into a Slim Jim,
that’s a modern luxury that we take for granted.
Back then, the slogan was:
“Gnaw on a slim jim for minutes on end, grinding it between your molars
while the gallons of salt turn your mouth into a desert,
until the mangled hunk of flesh in your mouth is just soft enough
to be shoved down your greasy fucking pirate throat without tearing a hole.”
Another essential food item was known as Hardtack.
This was essentially just flour and water baked into a cracker like brick.
Beyond the fact that it was totally flavorless,
Hardtack was also extremely dense,
to the point where pirates would often have to slam their fists down on it
in order to break it into pieces small enough to fit in their mouths.
As long as it was kept dry, Hardtack almost never spoiled,
although it often became infested with weevils.
Umm, excuse me, sir, I’m a vegan.
So I… Can I have a new piece?
One without any of mother nature’s beautiful creatures in it, thanks.
Wait a minute, is this gluten-free?
This better be hemp rope!
Now but the weevils didn’t make you sick or change the taste all that much.
So, and this is true,
the crew would just eat it in the dark.
So that way, they couldn’t tell
if they were eating a normal chunk or a weevily one.
Then there is the crowding.
So pirate ships typically packed in as many crew members as possible,
because more pirates means more manpower
when you go to board an enemy ship.
Of course the downside to that is that
you’re basically like a bunch of hairy unwashed sardines.
Let me illustrate what a typical night below-deck was like.
So you sprawl out on the damp musty wood floor,
everything’s pitch-black, you can’t see a thing.
The smell of the filth and the mold forces you to only breathe through your mouth.
Suddenly, your left hand feels wet,
probably just sea water leaking through the hole.
You sniff your hand: “nope, no, that’s piss.”
You feel something furry rub up against your elbow,
it was either the body of a diseased rat,
or the beard of your diseased crew mate.
Either way, that’s probably where the piss came from.
Some guy’s moaning loudly in the next room.
Hopefully he’s just jerking off,
cuz if he’s dying, there’s one more body to deal with in the morning.
These things repeat for 8 hours, and then it’s daytime.
The poor diet and cramped conditions
led the disease being a huge problem aboard pirate ships.
The most well known of these diseases is ‘scurvy’
when you don’t get enough vitamin C.
When scurvy first begins,
you just kind of feel tired all the time, no big deal.
Then you get weird spots on your skin and your gum start bleeding.
This progresses until all your teeth fall out,
and all of your body’s mucous membranes start gushing blood and pus,
causing you to die.
So that’s a lot of fun.
There were tons of other diseases too.
I won’t go through them all,
but here’s a few honorable mentions.
Also some people say that alcoholism is a disease,
I might just be disturbed,
cuz that’s one sickness I could definitely get down with.
If it is a disease in the end, just about every pirate has this one.
If anything though, I call that one of the few upsides of pirate life.
Finally, there is the combat.
So you’ve gone through all these disgusting horrible living conditions,
but at least you can enjoy the thrill of battle, right?
Swinging from rope to rope, sword in your mouth,
long intense saber duels, that kind of thing？
But that’s typically not how it went down.
For one thing, when pirates boarded a ship,
9 times out of 10 they just surrender immediately.
Because what are a bunch of well-groomed merchants gonna do
against the horde of disgusting barbarians？
If the defending ship did decide to fight back though,
the resulting brawl wouldn’t be anything like the movies.
It would be way worse like immediate R-rating.
Because pirates rely a lot on brutality,
both because they don’t have much real training,
and because it scares the shit out of people.
If you were a deckhand on an invaded ship,
and you were stupid enough to fight back,
you wouldn’t be dancing around doing flips and shit, none of that.
Instead, they’d probably shoot you in the stomach with a flintlock pistol,
kick you to the ground,
chop off your shoulder blade with a hand axe,
gouge out your eyes with a marline spike,
wind your intestines around the prow,
and then toss your twitching body overboard.
And that’s only a slight exaggeration.
Honestly, if Jack Sparrow got attacked by actual pirates,
he wouldn’t last a second.
It’s kind of like a used-car salesman going to prison like:
“I’ll be fine.
If anybody tries intimidating me,
I can get out of it with my quick wit and charming personality.”
Boy, you look real pretty from behind.
Oh wow, I’m boned!
So yeah, in short,
if you’re thinking about pulling a captain Phillips anytime soon,
I’d advise against it.
That’s all for today, till next time.
这是Sam O’Nella 感谢收看
I’m Sam O’Nella, and thank you for watching.