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等闲变却故人心

Why Good Relationships Turn Bad

今天 我想要和你们分享的是
Today, I want to share
我所认为的
with you what I think is the biggest reason
造成美好感情恶化的最主要原因
that good relationships turn bad and I’m doing this
我这么做是想帮你们
because I want to help you
因为我收到了许多请求
because I get a lot of messages
同时我自己也亲身经历过
and I’ve experienced this myself
在一段感情关系中挣扎的痛苦
of the pain when you are in a relationship and it is struggling.
有时甚至更糟 就是当你刚刚结束了一段
Or sometimes, even worse, when you just end a relationship
你不希望结束的关系时
that you wish hadn’t ended.
这对你的打击很大
And it can be very devastating.
所以我想分享
And so I want to share
我所看到与学到的东西
what I’ve sort of seen and learned in order to help you
来帮助处于一段下坡路关系中的你们
if you‘re in a relationship and perhaps navigate down a different path.
就算你现在没有这种烦恼
And if you’re not in a relationship,
我希望在你的下一段关系中
in your next one, hopefully,
你能一开始就踏出正确的一步
you can get it started on the right foot
因为我想分享给你们的
because what I’m sharing with you I see
是我所认为的导致关系恶化的深层原因
as the underlying reason that relationships go bad is,
是的 就是欺骗
there’s cheating,
怀疑 怨恨
yes, there’s distrust, there’s resentment,
以及诸如此类的原因
and all that stuff builds up
但我认为关系恶化有其底层的原因
but I think it comes from a soil —
也就是源头 这也是我在这期视频里所要分享的
the wellspring — of what I’m gonna be sharing with you in this video.
为了达到这个目的 我想以一个无关的故事作为开头
And to do that, I want to start with an unrelated story;
至少看起来无关
at least, it’s seemingly unrelated.
这是一台电脑的故事
It is about a computer.
那时我住在拉斯维加斯
I was living in Las Vegas at the time
我哥哥有一台老式苹果电脑
and my brother had this old MacBook
这台电脑很荒谬
and it was ridiculous
因为当你打开它的时候
because when you opened it,
合页已经坏到
the hinges were so messed up
屏幕会直接倒下的地步
that the screen would just fall flat
除非以90°角放置或者有东西撑着
unless it was at a 90-degree angle or otherwise supported.
扬声器也坏了
The speaker’s didn’t work and so
你不得不用耳机插孔
you had to put your headphone jack in
但大多时候 耳机插孔也不能正常工作
but most time, the headphone jack didn’t work
你得来回转动 才能听到声音
so you had to jiggle it around, it get to work
它还会自动关闭
it would turn off…
而这台电脑只用了两年半
it was only two and a half years old
也没有受过任何摧残
hadn’t had anything horrible happen to it.
所以这电脑在我哥生活中是个笑料
So this computer exists in my brother’s life;
因为我们总会
it’s hilarious because we’re watching
在每天的某一时刻看到他被电脑折腾
him struggle with it every day and at one point,
我的另一个室友说
my other roommate says,
“嗨 各位 我在考虑买一台新电脑
“Hey guys, I’m thinking of getting a new computer.
应该买那种呢 买微软电脑还是苹果电脑?
What kind should I get? Should I get a Mac or PC?”
在大家说话前
And before anyone could say anything,
我哥哥插嘴说
my brother chimed in and he said,
“兄弟 你得买苹果电脑 它们果然最棒”
“Dude, you gotta get a Mac. They just work.”
我记得我下巴都要惊掉了
And I remember my jaw just hitting the floor
因为我说“你在说什么啊?”
because I’m going, “What are you talking about?”
然后我才恍然大悟
And then it dawned on me;
我哥哥跟我一样都会看电视
my brother, like me, had been watching television
当时连续几个月 我不知道你还记不记得
and for months, I don’t know if you remember,
电视上都是一些苹果电脑VS微软电脑的广告
there were these commercials that were Mac VS PC.
这些商业广告中还有一个常见的口号
And one of the common refrains
也就是随处可见的史蒂夫·乔布斯的主旨
in those commercials and in Steve Jobs’ keynotes
“苹果电脑果然很棒”
which were everywhere was that “Macs just work.”
所以我看着他说
And so I looked at him and I said,
“亨利 你确定你是什么意思吗?
”Henry, are you sure this is what you mean
因为你的电脑没好过一天”
because your computer clearly doesn’t every single day,”
我们所有人都笑了
and we all laughed about it
但这件事给我留下深刻的印象
but that left a lasting impression
因为那时候我意识到
on me because I realized in that moment that
营销能蒙蔽我们的直接生活体验
direct experience of our lives is often overshadowed by marketing.
苹果是世界上最大的或者曾是最大的公司
Apple is the biggest or was the biggest company
我不知道今天它是否仍然如此
in the world — I don’t know if they are today —
但可以确定的是 他们的营销策略足以彻底重塑我哥哥的每日生活体验
but certainly, they’re marketing budget is enough to completely transform
那么这对我有什么影响呢?
my brother’s day-to-day experience so how else might that be affecting me?
而我承认了“好的 好吧 苹果是最大的公司”
And so I said, “Okay, well, Apple is the biggest company.
由此可知我们互相推销的东西是什么
What are the things that we market to each other?”
旅游回来的人说“哦 天啊 我经历了这次旅行”
And one of the first ones that came back was, “Oh, my gosh. I’ve experienced this travel.”
如果你最近有打开Instagram
If you’ve opened up your Instagram recently,
你可能会看到漂亮的旅行照片 旅行目标
you’ve probably seen beautiful travel photos, travel goals,
和一些不可思议的地方
and these amazing places.
而我一直觉得自己非常幸运
Now, I’ve been very, very fortunate —
我是在国外学习的
I got to study abroad, I have had an opportunity
我有很多机会去各地旅行 我对此非常的感激
to travel in many places and I’m so grateful for it —
但是我亲身体会的一件事情就是
but one of the things that I’ve seen
真实的旅途并不像照片中所展现的那样
is that travel does not look like those photos.
现实是 当大家旅行的时候
And in fact, when most people travel,
他们大多数时间都是痛苦的
they spend a lot of the time miserable
因为他们要排队
because they’re waiting in line,
他们到了火车站却赶不上火车
they’re at a train station and their train is gone
他们不会说当地语言
and they don’t speak the language and
他们也不知道要去哪里
they don’t know where they’re going,
那些食物会让他们生病并且呕吐
the food makes them sick and they’re puking,
他们讨厌当地人
they hate the locals because
因为他们不适应当地文化
they’re don’t fit in with their culture,
他们只是艰难度过这段时光
and they just have a hard time of it.
我也注意到我会遇到这些人
And what I also notice is I’ll meet these people,
会和他们进行简短的交流
maybe connect with them briefly,
我发现后来他们谈论自己的经历时
find them later, talk to them about their experience,
会向别人呈现一种完全美化的版本
and I’ll get a completely whitewashed version
他们会说自己的所见都是超棒的东西
about the amazing things that they saw.
我会说“等一下 我当时是和你在一起的
And I’m going, “Wait a second, I was with you.
我亲眼看到你确实非常痛苦”
I’ve watched you be actually miserable.”
所以我意识到
And so I realized that at least with travel
我并不是说你不应该去旅行
in many ways, though it can be fantastic
旅行至少从许多方面来看是很棒的
and I’m not saying you shouldn’t travel,
许多人共同打造了一种文化神话
there’s a cultural mythology that a lot of people contribute that says,
“如果你去旅行 就会遇到不可思议的景色 你的时间和你的钱完全没有白花”
“If you travel, it will be amazing and it’s absolutely worth your time and your money,”
我们对这句话非常买账 然而不幸的是
and so we buy into that and people unfortunately are,
许多人因此受到伤害
I think, hurt by this.
但这只是冰山的一角
But that was just the tip of the iceberg;
深思后我发现
as I thought deeper, I realized that
不只旅行 甚至是每一首歌
there was something beyond travel that is in every song,
每一部电影
it’s in all the movies,
特别是幼年时
and it’s in all the movies especially
看的每一部迪士尼电影
that he watched as a kid that are from Disney
这些都以某种方式渗透在我们的交流之中
that permeates the way that we communicate —
朋友们口口相传
friends say it to one another,
你从姑姑 叔叔 妈妈 爸爸嘴里听到
you’ve heard it from your aunt’s, your uncle’s, your mom, your dad —
听到一些我所见到的美国当前最畅销的理念
it’s perhaps the most marketed idea that I’ve seen in America today.
你还听到这个想法——
And it’s this idea
浪漫关系是不可或缺的快乐之关键
that a romantic relationship is the inescapable key to happiness —
如果你和你的另一半之间
that if you are not romantically involved
没有浪漫
with your better half and
和使你完美的人之间没有浪漫
with the person that completes you,
你就不能快乐 就算你很快乐
you can not be happy or at least if you are,
这快乐也是虚假的 短暂的
it’s fake and it’s going to be short-lived.
相反地 如果你遇到对的人
And conversely, if you are involved
那么快乐就肯定有保证了
with the right person then happiness is pretty much a guarantee —
当然啦 也会有一些麻烦和一些个例 但是真正的情况是
sure, there’s going to be some trouble and some work but really,
电影以一个“从此以后快乐生活在一起”的结局终结
the movie ends at happily ever after.
收梢是欢歌
And the songs end when things
甚至分手的歌曲里面也有这种心态
are good and even the break-up songs
“好吧 可惜不是你 但是你知道吗
have this mentality in them that, “Okay, it wasn’t you but guess what?
下一个人会看到我的好
Now this next person is going to appreciate
事情会变得更加好”
me and things are so much better now.”
所有这一切的重点在于
The point of all of this is that someone
你将遇见某个人
that you are going to meet is going to
他进入你的生活 并戏剧性地使一切变得更好
come into your life and dramatically make things better;
这是我整个生命中所听过的提及最多的文化事件
that is the most offered cultural thing that I’ve ever heard in my entire life
如果你住在美国 我相信这可能对你来说是真的
and if you live in America I think this is probably true for you.
这个观点就像水一样 是如此普遍
It’s so pervasive that it’s like water.
现在我有的第二个问题就是
Now, the second question that I had was —
这和我的直接经验相匹配吗?
does this match my direct experience?
和苹果电脑这件事是同样的道理
With the MacBook — same thing,
但我不想只核查什么是营销
I want to not just check what’s the marketing
我想说“电脑就是这么用的吗?”
but I want to see, “Is this the way the computer works?”
我不知道是否这符合你的经历
And I don’t know if this matches your experience but mine
但对我来说 感情确实不是那样
is that relationships are not exactly that.
我不想要引用任何统计学数据
And I don’t want to quote any statistics
因为我不知道 但可以肯定的是
because I don’t know them but certainly,
有很大一部分人会离婚 你可能也认识这些人
there’s quite a bit of divorce; you probably know some people.
或许你和你的朋友
Maybe you or a friend has been
看起来一直处在一种早就应该结束
in a relationship that seems like it should have ended
却半死不活的关系里
far earlier but they stuck it out,
这些人试图忽视所有的面和心不和
they tried to make it work against all odds,
他们的所有朋友都看到了感情破碎的迹象
all of their friends saw that was crumbling,
可能他们已经没了感情 搬往另一个城市
and maybe they lost friendships,
但他们试图以委曲求全的牺牲来“让这份感情勉力为继”
moved cities, sacrificed in other ways to try to, “Please get this relationship to work,”
然而这份感情最终走向破裂
and then it fell apart in the end.
我认为这源自于一种心态“感情是最重要的事情
I think that comes from this mindset that, “This is the most important thing.
我们可以忘掉其它一切东西
Everything else, we can forget about because
因为如果我们能维持这份感情 快乐就会得到保证”
if we can make this work happiness is assured.”
我说这个不是要否定
And I am not saying this to say
友谊是令人惊叹的
that relationships can’t be amazing —
我个人一直处在一种戏剧性的影响中:只有在浪漫的关系中
I personally have been dramatically impacted; I’ve had some hard times,
我才能度过一些艰难时光 一些美妙的时刻 得到一种巨大的成长
some wonderful times and a tremendous amount of growth from my romantic relationships.
但是我想说的是
But what I’m saying is
当我们作为人类 对任何事情过分依赖的时候
that when we lean as human beings on anything
当这种依赖超过了它的承受力
more than it can stand,
我们就只能无根基地飘荡
we’re going to wind up on the floor.
我想到的类比就像
The analogy that I think of is just kind
靠在一张桌子上那样
of like leaning on a table.
可以以钱为例
Think of money for instance;
如果你以一种健康的方式使用金钱 就是不可思议的
if you use money in a healthy way, it’s amazing.
金钱可以让你居有定所
It can pay for you to live,
今天可以让你住上漂亮的房子 可以为你提供饮食
it can pay for you to live in a nice place, to eat food,
金钱可以让你招待你的朋友和家人 使他们拥有精彩的体验
and to treat your friends and family to wonderful experiences.
如果这是你和金钱的关系
And if that’s your relationship with money,
那金钱在你生活中就起到积极的作用
money is a positive thing in your life;
你有10亿 100万 还是10万或者更少都没关系
it doesn’t matter if you have a billion or a million or a hundred thousand or less;
如果这就是你和金钱的关系 那么这种关系就是良好的
if that’s your relationship with money, that’s a good relationship
当然啦 你可能需要更多一点钱
and sure, you might need a little bit more
但这在你的生活中根本不算是糟糕的事情
but it’s not this awful thing in your life —
你还可以拥有其它东西 因为你并没有过分地看重金钱
you have other things because you’re not valuing money beyond what you can.
这时候你可以说你以一种合适的方式依赖金钱
You might say that you’re leaning on money in an appropriate way.
如果你是那种认为一旦得到1千万美元
But if you’re someone that thinks that once they get 10 million dollars,
就会自认为高人一等的人
they will be superior,
就会潜意识地认为自己已经证明了自己的能力
that they will have proven it — and this is often subconscious —
向自己的父母
to their dad or their mom or
像那些在高中不喜欢自己的人
that person who didn’t like them in high school
证明自己确实有能力
that they are really worthwhile,
那么这时候你就是那些过分依赖金钱的人
they’re going to lean very heavily on money.
最终这些人
And eventually, they will get
之后通常会崩溃
it usually and it will crumble beneath them
他们会说“哦天啊,根本没用 我没觉得高人一等 我并不感觉更好
and they’ll go, “Oh, my god. This didn’t work. I don’t feel superior. I don’t feel better.
我仍然觉得自己一无是处”
I still feel unworthy,”
这是因为他们期待的东西从金钱中不能得到
and that’s because they expected out of money something
他们期待的是另一种价值感
that money couldn’t give them; they expected a feeling of worthiness.
就拿人际关系做类比
Take the same analogy with relationships.
如果你对于感情有一种更健康的感觉
If you have perhaps a more healthy sense of relationships,
你就会觉得自己是完整的人
you feel like a complete human being.
在你的整个生命中 你就能胜任某些功能
You are capable of functioning through your life
你不需要非得有人陪
and you don’t have to have someone
我知道我的这个想法
else and I know that this is probably
可能有些争议
a bit of a contentious idea —
因为我说没有伴侣
that you could go your entire life
你也可以度过你的一生
and not have a life partner
而这种想法对你来说是不切实际的
that was romantically involved with you
还会对完整满足的生活带来威胁
and still have a thrilling complete fulfilled life;
但是这是我开始信任的东西
but that is how I have come to believe.
不管你信不信
And whether or not you believe that,
你可能就是
the idea that you might lean a little bit
过分倚重某段感情
too heavily on your relationship and
期待一些有缺陷的人
expect some other flawed human being
进入你的生活
to enter your life and then
使事情戏剧性地比之前变得更好
make things dramatically better than they were before —
从而让你变成一个更好的人
to make you a better person and to
变成你是一切 在我看来
be your everything — in my opinion,
这就是一种过分倚重感情的表现
that is leaning on the relationship way too much.
你对它的期待超过了它本应该给你的
You are expecting things out of it that it can not give you in what could have been
两人之间的一段精彩的感情是完整的
a wonderful relationship between two human beings that were complete,
是花费时间共度
that spend time together,
是互相帮助成长并拥有不可思议的体验
and help each other grow and had amazing experiences
如果你过分倚重这段关系
become something that leaves you flat on the floor
它就会让你四肢匍匐在原地
because you leaned on it too heavily.
我相信问题在于
And I believe the problem is
我们的社会环境使我们期待着
that our society conditions us all to expect this other person
某人介入我们的生活 然后使我们的生活变得更好
to come in and transform our lives for the better.
同时 这些人还和我们有相同的理念
Meanwhile, they have the same idea and so we come
所以在某一时期 我们一拍即合
in for a period of time,
我们可以在某种程度上获得同感
we can be both sort of feel, we can be infatuated
我们是如此着迷于假装会发生这样的事情
and pretend that’s going to be happen that we can be everything for them
我们可以彼此成为对方的一切
and they can be everything for us
但是数据显示
but — and I think that the data shows this —
如果你关注自己的生活
if you look at your own life,
你会发现这种关系往往不是永久的
that doesn’t tend to last forever.
所以我想鼓励大家的是
So what I would like to encourage you
请不要将我关于这件事的发言视为金玉良言
to do is not to take my word for it
不要听命于我的营销
and it’s not to listen to my marketing,
要反思一下自己的经验
it’s to reflect on your own experiences
看看自己的感情 看看自己身边的感情
and to look to your own relationships and look to the relationships around you.
如果你基于自己的生活 有完全不同的观点
If you have a completely different view of things based
把我的话扔在一边即可
on your life, then throw this out.
但请问自己以下问题
But ask yourself the following questions —
我希望一段浪漫的关系中得到什么?
what do I expect out of a romantic relationship?
这是个很值得问的问题
It’s worth asking.
有一个男朋友 或女朋友 或丈夫 或妻子的想法
How much time and energy compared to other things
相较于其他事情
does the idea of having a boyfriend or
对我来说花费了多少时间和精力?
a girlfriend or a husband or a wife get for me?
当我处在一段感情中 我说过这样的话吗
When I’m in relationships, do I say things like,
“你是我的一切 我不知道没有你该怎么办
“You’re my everything. I don’t know what I’d do without you.
没有你的生命不值得一活”
Life without you wouldn’t be worth it,”
你希望他人完全成为你活下去的理由吗?
and are you expecting this other individual to completely be your reason for living?
如果你处在一段感情里
And if you’ve been in a relationship
短至几个月
for a short period of time whether it’s a few months
长至一两年
or maybe just one or two years,
你有过那种这段感情将永久持续的信念吗?
do you have a belief that this is going to last forever?
你自信于这段感情会一直走下去吗?
Are you confident in that?
如果你很自信
And if you are,
你有没有想过这在统计学上根本不可能发生?
have you considered that that statistically is unlikely to be the case?
如果你是统计标准之中的另类
And if you have deviated from the statistical norm,
就问问自己“有什么原因能让我成为例外?”
ask yourself, “What reasoning do I have for this?”
其他人会发现一些好的可用理由“对 那很有道理
Are there good valid reasons that other people would find, “Yeah, that makes sense.
你们真的有机会
You guys really do have a chance
去经营长期而幸福的关系”
of having a long lasting and happy relationship,”
有些人认为别人必须成我圆满
or do you feel like everybody else does who has bought
我要创造条件使这种事情发生
into this idea that this other person
你想对他们说什么?
must complete them and therefore they have to make it work?
当我做这个视频的时候
Just some questions for you to ponder
有些问题需要你考虑
and when I make this video,
我一直试图拥有一种行为指南
I always try to have an action guide.
具体内容并不明晰
This one doesn’t have a clear but
但需要有的一点就是“自省”
step one would be this — self-reflect.
问问自己一些感情对自己来说意味着什么
Ask yourself what relationships have meant to you.
请注意自己正在听的歌曲
Pay attention to the songs that you listen to.
请反思自己在一段爱情中所说的话
Reflect on the things that you’ve said
或者对于朋友关于友情你的想法
while you were in relationships or to your friends
这些人对你来说意味着什么
about relationships and what they mean and you
你或许只想对此做一份自由书写
might even just want a freewrite on this.
我建议你做的第二件事就是
The second thing I’d recommend
不仅要在自省中做到诚实
is really being honest not just in your self-reflections
还要诚实对待你所约会的人
but if you have someone that you are dating, with them too.
不管是否现实 请分享一些诚实的 未过滤的想法
Share what you’re honest unfiltered perhaps
以及孩子气的期望 这些都是维持一段关系的核心
childlike expectations are of this relationship whether they’re realistic or not.
你值得说出来的是“关于我自己 我不能把话说得绝对
It’s worth just saying, “I didn’t necessarily know this about myself but I realize
但我一直期望无论发生什么 你总能让我快乐
that I’ve been expecting you to make me happy always no matter what.
对此我没有具体方案 但我想首先告诉你的是
And I don’t have a solution to that but I wanted to tell you.
我这样可能给你施加太多压力了”
I’ve probably been putting a lot of pressure on you.”
做一个诚实的人
Be honest and reflect on the degree of honesty
并对你所拥有的诚实度有所反思
that you’re capable of having.
假如你处在一段感情中 其中的诚实令你不适
If you’re in a relationship and that sort of honesty makes you feel queasy,
请忍受下去
just sit with that.
我所相信的终极事情是
And the final thing which I believe is
你想要一段健康 长期 快乐的感情
the solution to this is the way that you
这是有道可循的
can have healthy long lasting happy relationships is to first —
如果你处在一段关系中 你首先要做的就是
or if you’re in a relationship, start now —
发展“自爱感”
develop a sense of self-love.
某人会到来的神秘让我们快乐 让我们振奋
The myth that someone can come make us happy, which is so powerful,
因为我们起始于有暗黑感觉之地
because we start from a place of feeling a deep black
如果你没有感觉到
that wouldn’t be something that
自己的开始是不完备的
was at all able to be sold to you if you didn’t feel
你就不会对所要到来的东西产生期待
like you were incomplete to start with.
我的论点
And my contention and what I’ve
以及我听闻过很多在我之前有此类经历的人
heard many people who have travelled similar
我听闻过
paths before me and many famous
很多走这条路的名人的事迹
people who have gone down this road
他们看起来经验丰富——
have seemingly experienced everything —
我有爱情 受人仰慕 还不差钱
I’ve had the love, the adoration and the money.
但他们好像返回到一种感觉
And they seem to come back to the sense
即看高自己 我之外无物
that there is nothing outside of yourself
若你有期望 它会带给你持久的满足感
that can bring lasting fulfillment and if you expect it to,
不过你也会变得沮丧
you’re going to be depressed
有时甚至会变得不幸
and sometimes unfortunately, if you look around
如果你看新闻 就会发现这些事情占据了自己的生活
in the news today, taking your own life.
你有多少钱 多少粉丝 多少人爱你
It doesn’t matter how much money you
这都没关系
have or fans or how many people love you.
请回归自爱
So get back to self-love and
如果你不知道从哪里开始
if you don’t know where to start,
我会在本视频里放置一份名单
I’m going to put a playlist in this video;
这是一个我已经谈论过的话题
this is a topic that I’ve talked about.
我很喜欢并支持
I tend to like the idea
“桌椅理论”这个理念
of tables and chairs and supporting them
所以你们会再次听到这个暗喻
for this metaphor so you’re gonna hear that again
但是我会放一个关于自爱的视频链接
but I’m gonna put a link to videos on self-love.
我相信快乐的真谛在于
I believe that the solution to this —
不要以不完整的半人状态活着
to feeling like half a person
不要期望找到能成你圆满的他人
and expecting someone else to come in and complete you
相反 你要知道自己是个完全 完整的人
is to instead realize recognize and
并认识 承认 支持此理念
support the notion that you are full
相信自己有能力靠自己过上精彩而快乐的生活
and complete and capable of living a wonderful happy life by yourself.
不过若有一个完全完整的人伴你走过一段路
And that someone else who is full and complete could walk
这也是极好的
that path with you and that could be amazing.
以上就是今天的视频
So that is it for this video.
如果你想看更多有关自爱的内容
If you want to see more on self-love,
请去点击链接 我会把链接放在视频里或者简介里
go ahead and click the link; I’ll put it up here or put it in the description.
请告诉我你的想法
Let me know what you think;
我知道或多或少可能会有争议
I know this is somewhat controversial
但对于那些爱情至上的人
and somewhat not but I’d be really curious
我真的很好奇
for the people that are in relationships
他们的想法
that think it’s their everything, what they think;
请在评论里告诉我
let me know in the comments.
当然了 希望你喜欢本视频
And of course, I hope you enjoyed this video.
下次再见
I’ll see you in the next one.

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译制信息
视频概述

世上难有矢志不渝的爱情,大多是可遇不可求、可望不可即,曾经的寻死觅活和撕心裂肺等到时过境迁,只剩下一句“好心一早放开我”,不过分倚重某段感情,当断则断才不会太难堪。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

ABC

审核员

审核员YX

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JU3lOnEJ5o

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