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为什么家庭暴力受害者不离开

Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Leslie Morgan Steiner

I’m here today to talk about a disturbing question,
今天我要在这里探讨一个令人困惑的问题
which has an equally disturbing answer.
它有一个同样让人困惑的答案
My topic is the secrets of domestic violence,
我今天的主题是 家庭暴力的秘密
and the question I’m going to tackle
我将要解决的
is the one question everyone always asks:
是人们一直在问的一个问题
Why does she stay?
她为什么要留下来?
Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her?
为什么有人要留在一个打她的男人身边?
I’m not a psychiatrist, a social worker
我不是精神科医生 社会工作者
or an expert in domestic violence.
也不是家庭暴力方面的专家
I’m just one woman with a story to tell.
我只是一个有故事要说的女人
I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College.
我22岁那年从哈佛大学毕业
I had moved to New York City for my first job
来到纽约开始我的第一份工作
as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine.
在《17》杂志从事作者和编辑工作
I had my first apartment,
我有了自己的第一套公寓
my first little green American Express card,
有了第一张小小的绿色美国运通卡
and I had a very big secret.
也有了一个非常大的秘密
My secret was that I had this gun
我的秘密是 我让这把装了空尖弹的枪
loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head
被我认为是灵魂伴侣的男人
by the man who I thought was my soulmate,
对准了我的头
many, many times.
很多 很多次
The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth
我在这个世界上最爱的男人
held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me
用枪指着我的头 并且威胁说要杀了我
more times than I can even remember.
次数多的我都记不清了
I’m here to tell you the story of crazy love,
我这里要说的是一个疯狂的爱情故事
a psychological trap disguised as love,
一个伪装成爱情的心理陷阱
one that millions of women and even a few men
每年有成千上万名女性 甚至一些男性
fall into every year.
都会掉入这样的陷阱
It may even be your story.
它甚至可能就是你的故事
I don’t look like a typical domestic violence survivor.
我看起来不像一个典型的家庭暴力受害者
I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College,
我有哈佛大学的英语学士学位
an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School.
和沃顿商学院市场营销MBA学位
I’ve spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies
我职业生涯大多都是在世界500强工作
including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post.
比如强生 李奥贝纳广告公司 以及《华盛顿报》
I’ve been married for almost 20 years to my second husband
我嫁给我的第二任丈夫已有20年
and we have three kids together.
我们一起养育了三个孩子
My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.
有一只黑色拉布拉多犬和一辆本田奥德赛
(Laughter)
(笑声)
So my first message for you is that domestic violence
所以 我要告诉你们的第一点就是
happens to everyone —
家暴可能发生在每个人身上
all races, all religions, all income and education levels.
无关种族 信仰 收入 或者受教育程度
It’s everywhere.
它无处不在
And my second message is that everyone thinks
我要说的第二点是 所有人都认为
domestic violence happens to women,
家庭暴力都发生在女性身上
that it’s a women’s issue.
这是个女性问题
Not exactly.
其实不然
Over 85 percent of abusers are men,
85%以上的施虐者都是男人
and domestic abuse happens only
且家暴只发生在
in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships,
亲密的 互相依赖的长期关系中
in other words, in families,
换言之 只发生在家庭之中
the last place we would want or expect to find violence,
我们最想不到或最不希望发生家暴的地方
which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.
这也是家庭暴力令人感到困惑的一个原因
I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth
我要告诉你 我是世界上最不可能
who would stay with a man who beats me,
留在一个殴打我的男人身边的人
but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age.
但其实 我的年龄使我成了典型的受害者
I was 22, and in the United States,
我那时候22岁 在美国
women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely
16-24岁之间的女性
to be domestic violence victims
遭受家庭暴力的可能性
as women of other ages,
是其他年龄段女性的三倍之多
and over 500 women and girls this age
且美国每年都有500多名这个年龄段的女性
are killed every year by abusive partners,
被虐待自己的伴侣
boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.
男朋友 以及丈夫所杀害
I was also a very typical victim
之所以说是典型受害者
because I knew nothing about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.
还因为我对家暴及其预警信号或表现一无所知
I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night.
我在一月的一个寒冷的雨夜遇见了康纳
He sat next to me on the New York City subway,
在纽约地铁上 他坐在我旁边
and he started chatting me up.
然后开始跟我搭讪
He told me two things.
他告诉了我两件事
One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school,
一是他也刚从一所常春藤盟校毕业
and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank.
二是他在一家非常出色的华尔街银行工作
But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting
但第一次见面我印象最深刻的是
was that he was smart and funny
他聪明又风趣
and he looked like a farm boy.
并且看起来像一个农家男孩
He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks
他的脸颊很大 像颗大苹果
and this wheat-blond hair,
还有小麦般金黄的头发
and he seemed so sweet.
他看起来那么可爱
One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning,
康纳在最开始做的最聪明的一件事就是
was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship.
制造我在这段关系中是主导一方的幻觉
He did this especially at the beginning by idolizing me.
尤其刚开始的时候会不断表达对我的仰慕
We started dating, and he loved everything about me,
我们开始约会 他爱我的一切
that I was smart, that I’d gone to Harvard,
因为我聪明 又上过哈佛
that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.
热衷于帮助青少年女孩 对工作充满热情
He wanted to know everything about my family
他想知道关于我家庭的一切
and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.
还有我的童年 我的希望与梦想
Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman,
无论我是作为作家还是女人
in a way that no one else ever had.
康纳都以一种前所未有的方式来信任我
And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us
他还在我们之间创造出一种神奇的信任感
by confessing his secret,
因为他向我坦白了他的秘密
which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four,
当他还是一个四岁的小男孩时
he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused by his stepfather,
就一直不断遭受着继父野蛮的虐待
and the abuse had gotten so bad
这种虐待愈演愈烈
that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade,
以至于他不得不在八年级时辍学
even though he was very smart,
即使他非常聪明
and he’d spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life.
并且他花了近20年时间重建自己的生活
Which is why that Ivy League degree
这也是常春藤盟校的学位
and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future
华尔街的工作以及他光明的未来
meant so much to him.
对他意义重大的原因
If you had told me
如果你告诉我
that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me
这个聪明 风趣 敏感且崇拜我的男人
would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup,
有一天会来管我化妆与否
how short my skirts were,
裙子太短
where I lived, what jobs I took,
我住在哪儿 做什么工作
who my friends were and where I spent Christmas,
我的朋友是谁 甚至我要在那儿过圣诞节
I would have laughed at you,
我一定会嘲笑你
because there was not a hint of violence or control
因为一开始 康纳身上没有一丝
or anger in Conor at the beginning.
暴力 控制欲或愤怒的迹象
I didn’t know that the first stage in any domestic violence relationship
我并不知道所有家庭暴力关系的第一阶段
is to seduce and charm the victim.
是引诱和迷惑受害者
I also didn’t know that the second step is to isolate the victim.
我也不知道下一步就是孤立受害者
Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,
康纳并不会回到家向我宣布
“You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great,
“嘿 罗密欧与朱丽叶的故事很棒
but I need to move into the next phase
但我要进入下一个阶段了
where I isolate you and I abuse you” — (Laughter) —
我要孤立你 虐待你” (笑声)
“so I need to get you out of this apartment
“我要让你离开公寓
where the neighbors can hear you scream
不让邻居们听到你尖叫
and out of this city where you have friends and family
我要让你远离这个有你的亲友
and coworkers who can see the bruises.”
和同事的城市 不让他们看见你身上的伤”
Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening
然而 在一个周五的晚上 康纳回到家
and he told me that he had quit his job that day,
他告诉我他那天辞职了
his dream job,
那可是他梦寐以求的工作
and he said that he had quit his job because of me,
然后他说他辞职都是因为我
because I had made him feel so safe and loved
因为我让他感到无比安全和幸福
that he didn’t need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore,
所以他不用继续在华尔街证明自己了
and he just wanted to get out of the city
他只想离开这座城市
and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family,
远离那虐待他的 不正常的家庭
and move to a tiny town in New England
然后搬到新英格兰的一座小镇上
where he could start his life over with me by his side.
有我的陪伴 他可以重新开始他的生活
Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York,
然而 我最不想做的事就是离开纽约
and my dream job,
离开我梦寐以求的工作
but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate,
但我觉得你应该为你的灵魂伴侣做出牺牲
so I agreed, and I quit my job,
所以我同意了 辞了工作
and Conor and I left Manhattan together.
然后我和康纳一起离开了曼哈顿
I had no idea I was falling into crazy love,
我完全没意识到自己陷入了疯狂的爱情中
that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid
我走进了一个精心布置的
physical, financial and psychological trap.
生理上 经济上和心理上的陷阱
The next step in the domestic violence pattern
家庭暴力的下一步
is to introduce the threat of violence
就是暴力威胁
and see how she reacts.
然后看她反应如何
And here’s where those guns come in.
也是从这儿开始 那些枪支出现了
As soon as we moved to New England —
我们一搬到新英格兰
you know that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe —
你知道 那是康纳觉得有安全感的地方
he bought three guns.
他就买了三把枪
He kept one in the glove compartment of our car.
他将其中一把放在我们车前的储物箱里
He kept one under the pillows on our bed,
一把放在我们床头的枕头下
and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times.
第三把一直放在他的口袋里
And he said that he needed those guns
他还说他需要那些枪
because of the trauma he’d experienced as a young boy.
是因为他童年时经历过那种伤痛
He needed them to feel protected.
他需要那些枪来维持安全感
But those guns were really a message for me,
但那些枪对我来说是一个提醒
and even though he hadn’t raised a hand to me,
即使他还未向我挥起手
my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.
但我的生活已时刻处于极度的危险之中了
Conor first physically attacked me
康纳第一次用身体攻击我
five days before our wedding.
是在我们婚礼的前五天
It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown.
那天上午七点 我还穿着睡衣
I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment,
我正用我的电脑努力完成自由写作的任务
and I got frustrated,
而且我很沮丧
and Conor used my anger as an excuse
康纳以我的愤怒为借口
to put both of his hands around my neck
将他的双手放在我脖子上
and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,
然后用力掐住 让我不能呼吸 不能叫喊
and he used the chokehold
接着他掐着我的脖子
to hit my head repeatedly against the wall.
把我的头反复往墙上撞
Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded,
五天后 我脖子上的十处伤痕才褪去
and I put on my mother’s wedding dress,
我就穿上了我母亲的婚纱
and I married him.
我嫁给了他
Despite what had happened,
尽管发生了那么多事
I was sure we were going to live happily ever after,
我都相信我们今后会生活得很幸福
because I loved him, and he loved me so much.
因为我爱他 而他也深爱着我
And he was very, very sorry.
并且他非常非常内疚
He had just been really stressed out by the wedding
他只是因为结婚和跟我组建家庭
and by becoming a family with me.
感觉压力太大了
It was an isolated incident,
这只是个偶然事件
and he was never going to hurt me again.
他不会再伤害我的
It happened twice more on the honeymoon.
然而在蜜月期间 又发生了两次
The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach
第一次 我正开车寻找一个隐秘的沙滩
and I got lost,
然后我迷路了
and he punched me in the side of my head so hard
他狠狠地打我一边脑袋
that the other side of my head repeatedly hit the driver’s side window.
连我另半边头也不断撞向驾驶位的窗户
And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon,
几天后 我们结束蜜月 开车回家
he got frustrated by traffic,
堵车让他感到烦躁
and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face.
然后他就把一个巨无霸汉堡甩到我脸上
Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week
康纳每周都要打我一两次
for the next two and a half years of our marriage.
我们结婚后的两年半里都是如此
I was mistaken in thinking that i was unique and alone in the situation
我误以为只有我在经历这种事情
One in three American women
但每三名美国女性中就有一位
experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life,
曾在她生命的某个时刻经历过家暴或跟踪
and the CDC reports that 15 million children
美国疾控中心报告称 每年有1500万
are abused every year, 15 million.
儿童遭受虐待 1500万啊
So actually, I was in very good company.
所以事实上 有很多人跟我同病相怜
Back to my question:
回到我的问题上来:
Why did I stay?
为什么我要留下来?
The answer is easy.
答案很简单
I didn’t know he was abusing me.
我并不知道到他在虐待我
Even though he held those loaded guns to my head,
即使他把那些上了膛的枪指向我的头
pushed me down stairs,
把我从楼梯上推下来
threatened to kill our dog,
威胁说要杀了我们的狗
pulled the key out of the car ignition as i drive down the highway
让我在高速上开车时拔出汽车点火的钥匙
poured coffee grinds on my head
还在我穿着去面试的衣服时
as I dressed for a job interview,
把咖啡粉倒在我的头上
I never once thought of myself as a battered wife.
我从来没觉得自己是个受虐待的妻子
Instead, I was a very strong woman
相反 我认为自己是一个非常坚强的女人
in love with a deeply troubled man,
爱上了一个深陷泥泞的男人
and I was the only person on Earth
并且我是世界上唯一一个
who could help Conor face his demons.
能帮助康纳直面邪恶的人
The other question everybody asks is,
人们常问的另一个问题是
why doesn’t she just leave?
她为什么不离开?
Why didn’t I walk out? I could have left any time.
我为什么不走开?我原本可以随时离开的
To me,
对我而言
this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask,
这是人们问过的最悲伤 最痛苦的问题
because we victims know something you usually don’t:
因为我们受害者知道你们通常不清楚的事
It’s incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser.
离开施虐者是非常危险的
Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern
因为家庭暴力的最后一步
is kill her.
就是杀了她
Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders
超过七成的家庭暴力谋杀案
happen after the victim has ended the relationship,
发生在受害者结束关系之后
after she’s gotten out,
发生在她离开之后
because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.
因为那时施虐者已经失无所失了
Other outcomes include long-term stalking,
其他的结局 包括长期跟踪
even after the abuser remarries;
即使在施虐者再婚后也会发生
denial of financial resources;
还有拒绝提供经济来源
and manipulation of the family court system
以及在家庭法院系统下动手脚
to terrify the victim and her children,
去恐吓受害者和她的孩子
who are regularly forced by family court judges
而这些孩子还被家庭法院法官要求
to spend unsupervised time
在无人监管的时间里
with the man who beat their mother.
定期花时间陪伴那个殴打他们母亲的男人
And still we ask, why doesn’t she just leave?
这时我们依然会问 她为什么不离开?
I was able to leave,
我之所以能离开
because of one final, sadistic beating
是因为最后那次暴虐的殴打
that broke through my denial.
突破了我能承受的极限
I realized that the man who I loved so much
我意识到 如果继续放任下去
was going to kill me if I let him.
这个我深爱的男人将会杀了我
So I broke the silence.
于是我打破了沉默
I told everyone:
我告诉了所有人:
the police, my neighbors,
警察 我的邻居
my friends and family, total strangers,
我的朋友和家人 所有陌生人
and I’m here today because you all helped me.
而我今天在这里 是因为你们帮助了我
We tend to stereotype victims
我们倾向于将受害者描述成
as grisly headlines,
耸人听闻的新闻标题里的样子
self-destructive women, damaged goods.
说她们是作贱自己 轻浮的女人
The question, “Why does she stay?”
“为什么她要留下?”问这个问题的
is code for some people for, “It’s her fault for staying,”
一些人实际上在说 “这都是她的错”
as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men
仿佛受害者是有意选择与这种
intent upon destroying us.
摧残她们的男人相爱
But since publishing “Crazy Love,”
但自从《疯狂的爱》这本书出版后
I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women
许多男女跟我说了他们的故事
who also got out,
他们也想告诉别人
who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened,
他们从发生的事情中学到了宝贵的一课
and who rebuilt lives — joyous, happy lives —
他们以员工 妻子和母亲的身份
as employees, wives and mothers,
重新开始开心的 幸福的生活
lives completely free of violence, like me.
像我一样 完全远离暴力
Because it turns out that I’m actually a very typical domestic violence victim
实际上 我是典型的家暴受害者
and a typical domestic violence survivor.
也是典型的家暴幸存者
I remarried a kind and gentle man,
我和一个温柔善良的男人再婚了
and we have those three kids.
我们有三个孩子
I have that black lab,
我养了那只黑色的拉布拉多犬
and I have that minivan.
开着本田奥德赛的面包车
What I will never have again, ever,
而我永远 永远也不会再遇到
is a loaded gun held to my head
一个嘴上说着爱我
by someone who says that he loves me.
却把上了膛的枪指向我脑袋的男人
Right now, maybe you’re thinking,
现在 你可能会在想
“Wow, this is fascinating,”
“哇 这太神奇了”
or, “Wow, how stupid was she,”
或者“哇 她太傻了”
but this whole time, I’ve actually been talking about you.
但整个过程中 实际上我谈论的就是你
I promise you there are several people
我敢保证 现在正在听我说话的人中
listening to me right now
有一些人
who are currently being abused
最近正遭受着虐待
or who were abused as children
或者曾在小时候被虐待过
or who are abusers themselves.
又或者你自己就是一个施暴者
Abuse could be affecting your daughter,
虐待可能正发生在你女儿的身上
your sister, your best friend right now.
发生在你的好姐妹 你最好的朋友身上
I was able to end my own crazy love story
我能够结束我自己那疯狂的爱情故事
by breaking the silence.
靠的是打破沉默
I’m still breaking the silence today.
今天我仍然在打破沉默
It’s my way of helping other victims,
这是我帮助其他受害者的方式
and it’s my final request of you.
也是我对你们最后的请求
Talk about what you heard here.
告诉别人你今天在这里听到的一切
Abuse thrives only in silence.
虐待只会在沉默中滋生
You have the power to end domestic violence
你完全有能力制止家庭暴力
simply by shining a spotlight on it.
只需去点燃那星星之火
We victims need everyone.
我们受害者需要每个人的帮助
We need every one of you to understand
我们需要你们每一个人了解
the secrets of domestic violence.
家庭暴力的秘密
Show abuse the light of day by talking about it
和你的孩子 同事
with your children, your coworkers,
你的朋友和家人讨论这个问题
your friends and family.
将虐待公之于众
Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people
帮助受害者重新找回美好的 可爱的自己
with full futures.
重新拥有完整的未来
Recognize the early signs of violence
及时发现家庭暴力的早期迹象
and conscientiously intervene,
并尽力干预
deescalate it, show victims a safe way out.
降低其发生率 为受害者提供安全的出路
Together we can make our beds,
让我们携起手来
our dinner tables and our families
让我们的床 我们的餐桌和我们的家庭
the safe and peaceful oases they should be.
成为它本应成为的安全 和平的绿洲
Thank you.
谢谢
(Applause)
(鼓掌)

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视频概述

家庭暴力并非少数个例,但却很少有人意识到,自己正在承受着这种暴力。面对这种事情,人们通常会问“为什么他/她不离开?”Leslie Morgan用自己的亲身经历向大家揭示受害者的内心活动,希望每个人都能在安全、幸福中生活。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

Schein

审核员

审核员FL

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo

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