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为何在一起的回避型依恋者与焦虑型依恋者会一直相爱相杀

Why Avoidant and Anxious Partners Find It Hard to Split Up

There is a certain sort of relationship
有一种恋爱关系
that is alternately passionate, fiery and painfully unfulfilling,
时而激情四射 时而炙烈如火 时而忧愁苦闷
and that tends to puzzle both outsiders and its participants;
而这种关系往往让局外人和当事者都感到困惑
a relationship between one person who is,
这种恋爱关系是由被心理学家称为
as psychologists put it, anxiously attached
焦虑型依恋者的一方
and another who is avoidantly attached.
和另一方回避型依恋者组成
There is, in such couplings, a constant game of push and pull.
在这样的结合之中存在着一种持续的拉锯战
The anxiously attached party typically complains more or less loudly
焦虑方多多少少都会经常大声埋怨
that their partner is not responsive enough:
说他们的伴侣对爱回应得不够
they accuse them of being emotionally distant, withholding, cold
指责他们在心理上疏远 压抑 冷漠
and perhaps physically uninterested too.
也许生理上也对他们不感兴趣
The avoidant lover, for their part, stays relatively quiet
回避方则相对沉默安静些
but in their more fed-up moments,
但是当他们受不了时
complains that the anxious party is far too demanding,
会抱怨焦虑方要求太高
possibly ‘mad’ and, as they put it pejoratively, ‘needy’.
简直“疯了” 用他们带贬义的话说就是太“黏人”
One person seems to want far too much,
其中一方似乎要求太多
The unhappiness unfolds in a cycle.
这种不快乐会循环往复
At the start,
最初
but, in time, also growing frustration.
但是伴随着持续增长的挫折感
The dissatisfaction grows ever more intense
不满累积得愈发严重
until, eventually one day, fed up with so much seeming rejection,
直到有一天 他无法承受太多他认为的拒绝感
the anxious partner overcomes their fears,
焦虑方克服心中恐惧
decides they need something better
决定找到更好的出路
and tells their lover that they’re off.
就告诉他们的恋人要离他们而去
At which point, the avoidant party undergoes a complete sea change.
而在这个时刻 回避方的态度就会180度大转变
Their greatest fear, that of being engulfed in love,
他们最大的恐惧 就是被爱窒息
disappears at a stroke
而当这种恐惧一瞬间消失
and reveals something that is normally utterly submerged in their character:
他们发现了自己性格中平时完全隐藏的部分
a fear of being abandoned.
就是对被抛弃的恐惧
Wholly liberated from the threat of being engulfed
当回避方完全从被爱窒息的恐惧中解脱出来后
(the anxious one may by now have packed their bags),
(焦虑方可能已经在收拾行李要离开了)
the avoidant one gives free reign to all their reserves of pent upromanticism and ardour
回避方开始自由释放隐藏的浪漫与热情
which feel utterly safe to bring out,
他们觉得现在表露出来很安全
now that there seems so little danger of reciprocation.
因为这样不用担心对方也同样付出
Despite their fury, the anxious person
焦虑方尽管很愤怒
hears the honeyed words and forthright promises,
当他们听到甜言蜜语和直白的承诺
and – after some initial doubts – can’t help but be won over.
开始会有些犹豫 但还是会被说服
The formerly distant partner appears to have become, in the nick of time,
曾经那位冷漠的恋人如今在关键时刻变成了
as they’d always wanted them to be, a warm soul.
他们一直所希冀的那种温暖的灵魂
There is no reason not to return:
因此没有理由不回心转意
after all, it’s not that they didn’t love this person,
毕竟并不是不爱这个人
it was the feeling they weren’t loved back
是觉得自己的爱得不到回应
For a time, there is bliss
一时间他们变得很幸福
and it seems that the couple are headed for long-term happiness.
而且似乎要迎来长久的幸福
– Liberated from their anxiety around engulfment,
没有了被爱吞没的焦虑
the avoidant partner gives free expression to love;
回避方自由表达爱
liberated from their fear of abandonment,
焦虑方不再害怕被抛弃
the anxious one is left feeling secure and trusting.
而收获到安全感和信任
But soon enough the problems return.
但是很快问题又重新浮现
Things become, as it were, too nice for the avoidant partner.
就像过去一样 回避方感觉太幸福了
It seems the anxious one isn’t going to leave them any more,
因为焦虑方似乎并没打算离开
they’re just going to stick around and seek ever greater closeness
而是赖在身边不走 并且试图让关系更加密切
– and so the old fear of engulfment returns.
因此以前那种对窒息的恐惧又回来了
They have no option but to start to pull away again and get distant,
他们别无选择 只得开始拉开距离 变得疏远
which gradually proves intolerable once again to the anxious partner.
而这对焦虑方来说又渐渐变得无法忍受
Within weeks or months, the pair are back in the same situation.
过了几周或几个月 这对伴侣又回到原点
Fierce arguments return: the words “needy” and “cold” are once more in circulation.
又开始激烈地争吵:“黏人” “冷漠” 这种字眼重新浮现
It’s time for another crisis and another threat of departure.
又到一次感情危机和用分手来威胁的时刻
It may go on like this for years, or a lifetime…
这种情况可能持续数年甚至一辈子
From the outside, it is almost funny.
在外人来看 这挺滑稽
From the inside, simply hellish.
但是当事人觉得如堕地狱
There are a few ways out:
有这样几个解决办法:
the avoidant party can realise, and learn to tolerate their fear of engulfment.
回避方是可以去理解并且学会忍受被爱完全包围的恐惧
The anxious party can grow conscious of their unnatural pull towards unfulfilling people,
而焦虑方则要厘清为什么会被不能满足自己的人所吸引
refuse to go back after a crisis
他们可以在危机之后拒绝回头
and seek a future with more secure and reassuring sorts.
并且可以去寻找一个更令人心安的未来
Or, yet, more hopefully for the couple,
或者对他们来说更有希望的是
both partners could acquire the vocabulary of attachment theory.
双方都可以去了解一下依恋理论的术语
They could come to observe their repetitions,
都可以去观察自己重复的行为
gain some insight into aspects of their childhoods that drive them on
了解是哪种成长经历导致了这种行为
and learn not to act out their compulsions.
学会克制自己的冲动
They can learn the games they are unconsciously playing,
他们可以去了解这场自己无意识加入的游戏
and then, to the relief of all who care for them
此后 为了不让关心他们的人担心
and to the redemption of their relationship,
为了救赎他们的关系
they can refuse to play them any longer.
他们可以拒绝再玩这个游戏
Our book Sorrows of Love helps us all handle the inevitabel sorrows of love.
《爱的忧伤》这本书能帮助所有人应对爱给我们带来的不可避之的忧伤
If you enjoyed our film,
如果你喜欢这条视频
please subscribe to our channel and click the bell icon to turn on notifications.
欢迎订阅我们的频道 点击铃铛图标打开更新提醒

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视频概述

如果爱之拉锯战中一方(焦虑型)总感觉自己缺爱,嫌对方冷漠,而另一方(回避型)总觉得对方要求过高、粘人,那就来了解一下这是怎么回事以及如何才能打破这个局面吧。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

Ada

审核员

审核员NEHC

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9EgUvfgojY

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