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为何我们如此不擅长恋爱? – 译学馆
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为何我们如此不擅长恋爱?

Why Are We So Bad At Love? Nate Bagley of Loveumentary Explains. [Interview]

我们人人都想谈恋爱
– Being in love is something that we all want,
那为什么我们不擅长恋爱呢?
so why are we so bad at it?
我不知道你的情况
I don’t know about you,
但我从小都是看童话长大的
but when I was a kid, I was raised on fairy tales.
王子遇到公主 他们坠入爱河 克服艰难险阻
Boy meets girl, they fall in love, they overcome some obstacle,
从此以后过上了幸福快乐的生活
and then they live happily ever after.
但现实中 这种事从未发生过
That literally never happens.
如果我们误解了一段关系的真实性质
What if we think everything that a relationship is
以及其未来的可能性 怎么办?
and could be is completely wrong?
如果我们本该拥有更好的关系
What if there was so much more to it
却因为稍微错过了目标
that we could have that we’re missing out
而错过了这样的关系 怎么办?
on because we’re just missing the target?
我们追求的对象错了
We’re aiming at the wrong thing.
《自由思考:原创视频——论爱情》Nate Bagley
我20多岁时就已知道我想要结婚
In my 20s, I knew I wanted to get married.
我约会的方式并没有真正反映出
The way that I was dating didn’t really reflect
我结婚时想要的那种关系
the type of relationship that I wanted to have when I got married.
这让我想到一个问题
So that led me to the question,
谁擅长恋爱呢?
Who is doing this right?
谁的恋情非常棒 却不跟任何人提起过?
Who has a great relationship that isn’t talking about it?
所以我决定辞职
So I decided to quit my job,
卖掉所有家当
sell everything I owned,
花了将近一年的时间
and spend the better part
走访了15个州 采访了超过100对夫妻
of a year visiting 15 states and interviewing over 100 couples.
我会与那些夫妻坐下来
I would sit down with a couple, and I
倾听他们的故事
would hear their story, and I would just think
然后心想 我不知道竟有这样的关系存在
to myself, I didn’t know that this existed, like,
也不知道能有如此美好的关系
I didn’t know a relationship this good was possible.
这让我对如何创造那种
And it gave me insights into how to create
极其美好的爱情有了深刻理解
that type of love, which was really awesome.
从来没有人教过我如何拥有
Nobody had ever taught me how to have the type
我想要的那种婚姻
of marriage that I wanted.
你在大学或高中从来没有上过类似课程
You never get a class on this kinda thing in college or in high school,
那应该从哪里找答案呢?
so where do you go to get answers?
你有自助指南
You’ve got self-help books over here,
也有各种疗法 但两者之间却缺少了什么
you’ve got therapy over here, and there’s nothing in the middle.
但这些资源的问题在于
But the problem with all of those resources
它们只能告诉你理论知识
is that they’re focused mainly on teaching you knowledge,
这很好 但除非你真的付诸实践
which is great, but those things don’t do you any good
否则它们对你毫无帮助
unless you actually take action on them.
所以我认为普通夫妻和那些
So I believe that one of the biggest gaps
恩爱的夫妻最大的差距之一是
between an ordinary couple and an extraordinary couple
恩爱的夫妻是勇于践行的人
is extraordinary couples are action takers,
而不仅仅是纸上谈兵
not just insight chasers.
当你在一段关系中 第一次产生矛盾的时候
When you bump into your firststruggle in a relationship,
你可能会想 我可能跟错的人在一起了
you might think, I think I’m with the wrong person.
如果我选错人了 怎么办?
What if I chose the wrong person?
摆脱这种心态
Get rid of that mindset.
这样想没有意义
It does not serve you.
这并不能帮你解决问题
It’s not gonna help you get where you wanna go.
身处一段恋情
Being in a relationship
会让你接触到你内心最深处的焦虑和最大的缺点
inherently exposes you to your deepest insecurities and your biggest flaws,
正是这些东西 让你感到很不舒服和脆弱
the things that make you most uncomfortable and vulnerable.
这并没有关系
And that’s okay.
生命中的一些最有价值的事
Some of the most rewarding things in life
也是最难办到的事
are the things that are most difficult.
我认为一份恋情不应该以幸福为目标
I would argue that happiness is not the right goal for a relationship.
当你在恋情中把幸福当作目标来追求时
When you pursue happiness asa goal in your relationship,
所想的一切都是我能从中得到什么
it’s all about what can I get out of it.
你所做的一切都是让你的伴侣
It’s all about making your partner responsible
为你们的感情负责
for the quality of your relationship.
但这是你无法控制的
But you have no control over that.
你无法控制他们的感觉 言语
You don’t have control over their feelings, their words,
想法以及情绪
their thoughts, their moods,
但你可以为自己控制住这一切
but you have control over all of those things for yourself.
当你追求成长的时候
When you pursue growth,
你就能学会利用自制力
it’s all about what you can control personally
让这段关系变的更好
to contribute to the overall quality of the relationship.
这里有一个能促进你们的关系的理想方法
There is an ideal ecosystem for your relationship to grow.
[钢琴音乐]
[piano music]
你需要一个明确的目标
You need a clear ideal to strive for,
一个学习的榜样
somebody to learn from.
定期的滋养
You need regular nourishment.
以及一个能让你扎根的良好社区
And you need to be groundedin a good community,
也就是与你相处最久的人
the people that you spend the most time with.
你在一段恋爱关系里学到的技能
The skills you learn inside of a romantic relationship
可以直接应用到生活中的其他关系中
apply directly to every other relationship in your life.
如果你在恋爱关系中学到了很棒的沟通技巧
If you learn great communication skills or conflict management skills
或是处理矛盾的技巧 这些同样适用于工作中
inside of your romantic relationship, it’s gonna apply to work,
友谊中
it’s gonna apply to your friendships,
以及你生活的方方面面
it’ll apply to every other aspect of your life.
想象一下这对你的社区
Imagine what that would do for your community,
工作 国家 或是世界有什么影响
for your workplace, for yourcountry or for the world.
想象一下 如果每个人都善于处理好关系
Can you imagine how cool, like, how much it would transform our world
我们的世界会变得多棒
if everybody was just reallygood at relationships?
这是你可以控制的
This is something that you can control and
并且会对你的幸福
that has a huge impact on your happiness
你的生活质量有巨大影响 没有什么比这更重要了
and your quality of life, and nothing matters more.
转变你们关系的唯一方法
The only way to transform your relationship
就是转变你自己
is to transform yourself.
改变你们关系的唯一方法
The only way to change your relationship
就是改变你自己
is to change yourself.
提升你们关系的唯一方法
The only way to improve your relationship
就是提升你自己
is to improve yourself.

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视频概述

为什么我们不擅长处理恋爱关系?该如何改善关系呢?

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翻译译者

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审核员

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视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94OjkNr21Dw

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