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为什么30岁不是新的20岁

Why 30 is not the new 20 | Meg Jay

当我20几岁时 我见到了我的第一个需要精神疗法的病人
When I was in my 20s, I saw my very first psychotherapy client.
当时我是一个在伯克利大学读临床心理学的博士生
I was a Ph. D. studentin clinical psychology at Berkeley.
她是一位叫Alex的26岁女性
She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.
第一次会面时Alex穿了
Now Alex walked
牛仔裤以及略微不修边幅的上衣
into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy top,
进来后直接坐到我办公室中的沙发上
and she droppedonto the couch in my office
踢掉她的鞋子
and kicked off her flats and told me
然后跟我说她是来跟我讲男性问题的
she was there to talk about guy problems.
当我听到这个时 我松了一口气
Now when I heard this, I was so relieved.
我的一个同学的第一个病人是一个纵火犯
My classmate got an arsonistfor her first client.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
而我确是和一个二十几岁的人谈论男生
And I got a twentysomethingwho wanted to talk about boys.
我以为我能处理好这事
This I thought I could handle.
但我没能办到
But I didn’t handle it.
Alex在每一次会面时都会带来好笑的故事
With the funny storiesthat Alex would bring to session,
因此对我而言点点头
it was easy for me just to nod my head
不断拖延出结果的时间是一件非常轻松的事情
while we kicked the can down the road.
Alex会说“三十就是新的二十”
“Thirty’s the new 20,” Alex would say,
而且就我知道的
and as far as I could tell, she was right.
她是对的 工作要以后才有 结婚以后才有
Work happened later,marriage happened later,
孩子以后才有 连死亡都是以后才有
kids happened later,even death happened later.
像Alex和我一样是二十几岁的人除了时间外一无所有
Twentysomethings like Alex and Ihad nothing but time.
但没过多久 我的导师就催我 开始推动Alex
But before long, my supervisor pushed me to push Alex
的爱情生活
about her love life.
我拒绝了
I pushed back.
我说:“没错 她现在在约会
I said,”Sure, she’s dating down,
她和一个笨蛋同床
she’s sleeping with a knucklehead,
但这并不表示她会和他结婚
but it’s not like she’s goingto marry the guy.”
” 然后我的监督说: “现在还没
And then my supervisor said, “ Not yet,
但她可能会和下一个这样的人结婚
but she might marry the next one. Besides,
再说 在Alex的婚事上花费精力的最好时间
the best timeto work on Alex’s marriage
就是在她结婚之前
is before she has one.”
” 这就是心理学家们所说的“原来如此!”
That’s what psychologistscall an”Aha!” moment.
瞬间在那一瞬间 我明白了三十岁并不是新的二十岁
That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20. Yes,
没错 人们比以前更晚安顿下来
people settle down laterthan they used to,
但这并不说明Alex的二十几岁这个时间段是她的发展低谷
but that didn’t make Alex’s 20sa developmental downtime.
这使Alex的二十几岁一个发展的良好时期
That made Alex’s 20sa developmental sweet spot,
而我们就坐在那儿荒废它
and we were sitting there, blowing it.
这时我才明白这种“善意的疏忽”
That was when I realizedthat this sort of benign neglect
是一个非常现实的问题 而且它有严重的后果
was a real problem,and it had real consequences,
不仅是对于Alex和她的爱情生活
not just for Alex and her love life
也对于各地的二十几岁的人的
but for the careersand the families and the futures
家庭与未来
of twentysomethings everywhere.
现在美国有大约5千万 二十几岁的人
There are 50 million twentysomethingsin the United States right now.
这大概是总人口的15%
We’re talking about 15 percentof the population,
或者说100%如果你考虑到
or 100 percent if you consider
没人能在不经历二十几岁这个阶段的情况下
that no one’s getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.
经过成人期
(Laughter)
如果你是二十几岁的话举一下手
Raise your hand if you’re in your 20s.
我非常想在这儿看到一些二十几岁的人
I really want to seesome twentysomethings here. Oh,
太好了!你们都棒极了
yay! You are all awesome.
如果你和二十几岁的人工作 如果你爱一个二十几岁的人
If you work with twentysomethings,you love a twentysomething,
如果你因为二十几岁的人而失眠 我就想看到—好的
you’re losing sleepover twentysomethings, I want to see — Okay.
棒极了 二十几岁的人非常重要
Awesome,twentysomethings really matter. So,
我专门研究二十几岁的人 因为我相信
I specialize in twentysomethingsbecause I believe
这5千万个二十几岁的人中每一个
that every single one of those50 million twentysomethings
都应该知道每一个心理学家
deserves to know what psychologists, sociologists,
社会学家 神经学家以及生育专家
neurologistsand fertility specialists
都知道的: 那就是把握你的二十岁这一个阶段是最简单的
already know: that claiming your 20sis one of the simplest,
但又是最有影响力的你能为
yet most transformative, things you can do
你的职业 爱情
for work, for love, for your happiness,
幸福甚至是全世界做的事
maybe even for the world.
这不是我的观点
This is not my opinion.
这是事实
These are the facts.
我们知道一个人的一生中的80%的最重要的时刻
We know that 80 percentof life’s most defining moments
发生在35岁
take place by age 35.
这就意味着每10个
That means that eight out of 10
决定你的生命会是什么样的
of the decisions and experiencesand”Aha!” moments
经历与“原来如此!”
that make your life what it is
时刻中有8个发生在三十岁中旬
will have happened by your mid-30s.
超过40岁的人 别慌
People who are over 40, don’t panic.
我估计这个观众没问题
This crowd is going to be fine, I think.
我们知道一份职业中的前10年
We know that the first10 years of a career
对于你将会挣多少钱 有非常大的影响
has an exponential impact on how much money you’re going to earn.
我们知道超过一半的美国人
We know that more than half of Americans
30岁之前就和终生伴侣结婚 同居
are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30.
或者在约会 我们知道大脑在你二十几岁时
We know that the brain caps off its
为了适应成人期
second and last growth spurt in your 20s
达到第二次也是最后一次成长期的高峰
as it rewires itself for adulthood,
这说明无论你想改变
which means that whatever it is
你自己的什么
you want to change about yourself,
现在就是改变它的时间
now is the time to change it.
我们知道相比人生其他阶段
We know that personalitychanges more during your 20s
二十岁时的个性变化最大
than at any other time in life,
而且我们也知道女性的繁殖能力在28岁时达到峰顶
and we know that female fertilitypeaks at age 28,
到35岁之后事情就有点难办了
and things get tricky after age 35.
因此你的二十几岁这个时间段就是
So your 20s are the timeto educate yourself
告诉自己自己的身体状况以及未来的选择的时候
about your body and your options.
因此当我们说到儿童发展
So when we think about child development,
我们都
we all know
知道前5年是大脑发展
that the first five years are a critical period
语言和爱慕的关键时期
for language and attachment in the brain.
这是一个你的每日生活都会对你的未来
It’s a time when your ordinary,day-to-day life
产生巨大影响的时间段
has an inordinate impacton who you will become.
但是我们听到的比较少的就是
But what we hear less about is
有一个东西叫
that there’s such a thing
成人发展 而我们的二十岁这个阶段 就是成人发展的关键时期
as adult development, and our 20s are that critical period of adult development.
但这并不是二十几岁的人所听到的
But this isn’t whattwentysomethings are hearing.
报纸在描述成人的时间表的变更
Newspapers talk about the changingtimetable of adulthood.
研究人员把二十几岁叫做延长的青春期
Researchers call the 20san extended adolescence.
新闻记者在给二十几岁的人附加愚蠢的外号
Journalists coin silly nicknamesfor twentysomethings
比如“中间者”和“成年儿童”
like”twixters” and”kidults.”
这是真的
(Laughing) It’s true!
作为一种文化 我们把实际上是成人期中
As a culture, we have trivialized
最重要的一个十年 列为不重要的东西
what is actuallythe defining decade of adulthood.
伦纳德 伯恩斯坦说过如果想办成大事
Leonard Bernstein saidthat to achieve great things,
就需要一个计划和不足够的时间
you need a plan and not quite enough time.
这不对吗?
(Laughing) Isn’t that true?
所以说当你 拍一个二十几岁的人的
So what do you think happens when you pat a twentysomething
头然后说:
on the head and you say,
“你还有额外的十年才开始生活”时你认为
“You have 10 extra yearsto start your life”?
会发生什么? 什么也不会发生
Nothing happens.
你剥夺了那个人的紧迫感以及志向
You have robbed that personof his urgency and ambition,
但是什么都没发生
and absolutely nothing happens.
然后每天就有像你们的儿子或者女儿一样
And then every day, smart,interesting twentysomethings
既聪明又有趣的二十几岁的人
like you or like your sons and daughters
跑到我的办公室跟我说
come into my officeand say things like this:
“我知道我的男朋友对我一点好处都没有
“I know my boyfriend’s no good for me,
但这段感情不算数 我只是在消耗时间
but this relationship doesn’t count.I’m just killing time.”
” 或者是“大家都说只要我在30岁之前
Or they say,”Everybody saysas long as I get started
开始我的职业就没问题 ”
on a career by the timeI’m 30, I’ll be fine.”
这一类的话 但后来他们就开始讲:
But then it starts to sound like this:
“我的二十岁快结束了
“ My 20s are almost over,
但我没什么可以展现的
and I have nothing to show for myself.
我毕业那天最好写写自己的
I had a better résumé the day after I graduated from college.
简历

” 之后他们开始讲:
And then it starts to sound like this:
“二十几岁时的约会就像玩抢座位游戏
“Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs.
大家跑来跑去 乐在其中
Everybody was running aroundand having fun,
但到30岁左右音乐
but then sometime around 30 it was
就停掉了
like the music turned off
大家一个接一个开始坐下
and everybody started sitting down.
我不想成为唯一一个站着的人
I didn’t want to bethe only one left standing up,
因此有时候我觉得我和我丈夫结婚的原因
so sometimes I think I married my husband
就是因为在我30岁时他是距我最近
because he was the closestchair to me at 30.”
的‘椅子’ ” 这里的二十几岁的人在哪儿?
Where are the twentysomethings here?
别做这种事
Do not do that.
好吧
(Laughter) Okay,
刚才那听起来可能有一点轻浮
now that sounds a little flip,but make no mistake,
但是别搞错在这里筹码非常高
the stakes are very high.
当很多事情被推到三十几岁再做时
When a lot has been pushed to your 30s,
在你的三十岁这个阶段就有在极短的时间内
there is enormous thirtysomething pressure
开始一个职业 挑选一个城市 找到一个伴侣
to jump-start a career,pick a city, partner up,
并且生几个孩子的巨大压力
and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time.
这些事情中有很多是不兼容的
Many of these things are incompatible,
而且就如研究开始表明
and as research is just starting to show,
在三十几岁这个阶段同时完成这么多事 的压力以及难度实在
simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.
是太大了 上个千年之后的中年危机 不在于能否买一辆红色的敞篷车
The post-millennial midlife crisisisn’t buying a red sports car.
是在于发现自己的职业不是自己想要的
It’s realizing you can’t havethat career you now want.
是在于发现你无法生你想要的孩子
It’s realizing you can’t havethat child you now want,
或者无法给自己的孩子一个同胞
or you can’t give your child a sibling.
有太多太多的三十几岁的人和四十几岁的人
Too many thirtysomethingsand fortysomethings
先看看自己 然后看看坐在房间另一边的我
look at themselves, and at me,sitting across the room,
然后讨论他们的二十几岁这个时间段
and say about their 20s,
“我当时在做什么?
“What was I doing? What was I thinking?”
我当时在想什么?” 我想改变二十几岁的人 的所做与所思
I want to change what twentysomethingsare doing and thinking.
我来讲一个关于如何这么做的故事
Here’s a story about how that can go.
这是一个关于一位叫Emma
It’s a story about a woman named Emma.
的女性的故事 25岁时 Emma来到我的办公室因为她
At 25, Emma came to my office
用她的话来讲 正在经历一个身份危机
because she was, in her words,having an identity crisis.
她说她认为她想从事艺术
She said she thought she might
或者娱乐
like to work in art or entertainment,
但她还没决定
but she hadn’t decided yet,
所以前几年她花在做服务员上了
so she’d spent the last few years waiting tables instead.
因为比较便宜 她和她那
Because it was cheaper,she lived with a boyfriend
展现脾气比志向更频繁的男朋友住在一起
who displayed his tempermore than his ambition.
而无论她的二十几岁有多么困难
And as hard as her 20s were,
她以前的生活更困难
her early life had been even harder.
她在会面时经常哭
She often cried in our sessions,
但会说“你无法选择你的家庭 但是你能选择你的朋友”
but then would collect herself by saying,
然后平定下来
“You can’t pick your family,but you can pick your friends.”
有一天
Well one day,
Emma走进来 把头放在膝盖上
Emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap,
然后哭了近一个小时
and she sobbed for most of the hour.
她刚买了一个新的地址薄
She’d just bought a new address book,
然后她花了一个上午填她的联系人
and she’d spent the morning filling in her many contacts,
但是她只能呆呆的看着
but then she’d been leftstaring at that empty blank
“在紧急情况下 请拨打…”
that comes after the words
这一串字后面的空白
“In case of emergency, please call…”
她近歇斯底里的看着我并说:
She was nearly hystericalwhen she looked at me and said,
“如果我出车祸了谁会照顾我?
“Who’s going to be there for meif I get in a car wreck?
如果我的癌症了谁会照顾我?”
Who’s going to take care of meif I have cancer?”
当时 我花了很大力气
Now in that moment,it took everything I had
才避免说“我会”
not to say,”I will.”
但Emma需要的并不是一位非常非常关心
But what Emma needed wasn’t some therapistwho really, really cared.
她的治疗师Emma需要一个更好的生活 而且我知道这是
Emma needed a better life, and I knew this was her chance.
她的机会 自从我在Alex身上下功夫后我学到了很多
I had learned too muchsince I first worked with Alex
所以我不会让Emma那具有决定作用的十年
to just sit therewhile Emma’s defining decade
就这么流逝掉
went parading by.
所以在接下来的几周和几个月中 我告诉了Emma
So over the next weeks and months,
三个每个二十几岁的人
I told Emma three things
不论男女
that every twentysomething,male or female,
都应该听到东西
deserves to hear. First,
首先 我告诉Emma忘了她的身份危机
I told Emma to forgetabout having an identity crisis
然后开始积累身份资本
and get some identity capital.
我所说的“积累身份资本”
By”get identity capital,”
就是指 为你自己增加价值
I mean do somethingthat adds value to who you are.
做一项对你接下来想是什么样子的
Do something that’s an investment in who you might want to be next.
的投资 我当时不知道Emma的职业的未来
I didn’t know the future of Emma’s career,
而且没人知道自己的工作的未来
and no one knows the future of work,
但是我知道这些: 身份资本会招来更多的身份资本
but I do know this: Identity capital begets identity capital.
这是接受那份跨国职业
So now is the timefor that cross-country job,
那份实习和你想试试的那个起步的时候
that internship, that startupyou want to try.
我不是在漠视二十几岁的人的探索
I’m not discountingtwentysomething exploration here,
但是我在漠视毫无意义的探索
but I am discounting explorationthat’s not supposed to count, which,
而且那些按道理来讲不能叫探索
by the way, is not exploration.
那叫拖延时间
That’s procrastination.
我叫Emma试验各种工作而且让它们算数
I told Emma to explorework and make it count. Second,
其次 我告诉Emma城市部落被高估了
I told Emmathat the urban tribe is overrated.
找好朋友来搭车至机场很棒
Best friends are greatfor giving rides to the airport,
但二十几岁的人若和思维方式 相似的同龄人聚在一起
but twentysomethings who huddle togetherwith like-minded peers
他们所知道的人 他们所知道的事 他们的思维方式
limit who they know, what they know, how they think,
他们的讲话方式 以及他们的工作地点
how they speak, and where they work.
就会受到限制 那个新的资本 那个新的可以约出去的人
That new piece of capital,that new person to date
几乎总是从内部圈子之外来的
almost always comesfrom outside the inner circle.
新的事物从我们所谓的微弱的联系中来
New things comefrom what are called our weak ties,
比如我们的朋友的朋友的朋友
our friends of friends of friends.
是的 大概有一半的二十几岁的人未就业或者未充分就业
So yes, half of twentysomethingsare un- or under-employed.
但有一半不是这样的
But half aren’t,
而微弱的联系 就是把你自己加入那一个团体的方式
and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group.
有一半的新职位不会被张贴出来
Half of new jobs are never posted,
而联系到你的邻居的老板
so reaching out to your neighbor’s boss
就是你拿到那份未被张贴的工作的方法
is how you get that unposted job.
这不是作弊 这是关于信息如何传递的科学
It’s not cheating. It’s the scienceof how information spreads.
最后 Emma相信
Last but not least, Emma believed
一个人不能选择家庭 但可以选择朋友
that you can’t pick your family, but you can pick your friends.
在她的成长过程中这是没错的
Now this was true for her growing up,
但作为一个二十几岁的人 很快Emma就要通过
but as a twentysomething, soon Emma would pick her family
和某人结伴 创造一个家庭 来选择她自己的家庭
when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own.
我告诉Emma选择家庭的时间就是现在
I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now.
你可能会认为30岁是一个
Now you may be thinking
比20岁 甚至是25岁更好的
that 30 is actually a better time to settle down
安定下来的时间
than 20, or even 25,
而且我也同意
and I agree with you.
但当你在别的人开始进入结婚礼堂时
But grabbing whoever you’re livingwith or sleeping with
抓紧和你同居或睡觉的人
when everyone on Facebookstarts walking down the aisle
不叫进步
is not progress.
在婚事上下功夫的
The best time to work
最好时间 就是结婚之前
on your marriage is before you have one,
意思就是对待爱情就要像对待工作一样
and that means beingas intentional with love
富有意识
as you are with work.
选择家庭就是有意识的选择
Picking your familyis about consciously choosing
你想要的人和物
who and what you want
而不是单单想让事情成功或者和
rather than just making it workor killing time
选择你的那个人浪费时间
with whoever happens to be choosing you.
那Emma后来怎么样了?
So what happened to Emma? Well,
嗯 我们翻了翻那个地址薄
we went through that address book,
然后她发现她的一个老室友的一位亲人
and she found an old roommate’s cousin who worked
在另一个州的一个艺术博物馆工作
at an art museum in another state.
那个微弱的联系帮她在那里找到一份工作
That weak tie helped her get a job there.
那份工作给她一个 离开她的同居男友的理由
That job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend. Now,
现在 5年过去了 她是一些博物馆的特殊活动规划者
five years later, she’s a specialevents planner for museums.
她和一位她有意识地选择了的人结婚了
She’s married to a manshe mindfully chose.
她爱她的新职业 她爱他的新家庭
She loves her new career,she loves her new family,
她还给我一张上面写着
and she sent me a card that said,
“现在紧急联系人一栏 似乎不够大了 ”
“Now the emergency contact blanks don’t seem big enough.”
的卡片 Emma的故事让这件事听起来非常简单
Now Emma’s story made that sound easy,
但这就是我喜欢和二十几岁的人工作的原因
but that’s what I love about workingwith twentysomethings.
要帮助他们实在太容易了
They are so easy to help.
二十几岁的人就像刚离开洛杉矶国际机场的
Twentysomethings are like airplanesjust leaving LAX,
目的地在西边某地的航班
bound for somewhere west.
起飞之后 航线的一个小调整
Right after takeoff,a slight change in course
就是落在阿拉斯加还是落在斐济的区别
is the difference between landingin Alaska or Fiji. Likewise,
同理 在21岁或者25岁甚至是29岁时
at 21 or 25 or even 29,
一个好的聊天 一次好的休息
one good conversation, one good break,
一个好的TED演讲可以对接下来的
one good TED Talk,can have an enormous effect
几年甚至是几代人有非常大的影响
across years and even generations to come.
这里给出一个值得传播给 每个你认识的二十几岁的人的想法
So here’s an idea worth spreading to every twentysomething you know.
它和我学到的该跟Alex说的话一样简单
It’s as simple as what I learnedto say to Alex.
它就是现在我有权利
It’s what I now have the privilege
每天对像Emma一样的二十几岁的
of saying to twentysomethingslike Emma every single day:
人说的话: 30岁不再是新的20岁 所以把握好你的成年时期
Thirty is not the new 20,so claim your adulthood,
积累一些身份资本 利用你的微弱联系
get some identity capital,use your weak ties,
并且选择好你的家庭
pick your family.
别被你不知道的事或者没做的事定义
Don’t be defined by what you didn’t know
现在
or didn’t do.
你就在决定你的生命
You’re deciding your life right now.
谢谢
Thank you.
(掌声)
(Applause)

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhhgI4tSMwc

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