Each week on Instagram and Facebook I put out a question of a week
of the week to try and really get a temperature for what people are feeling, and going through.
One week I said
“What’s the #1 thing that has made it hardest
for you to move on from a past relationship?”
Twenty-five hundred comments came in.
Of the top ten most liked comments,
here were a few, and you’ll notice the theme.
“Holding onto hope.
Hope that the person they were before will show up again.”
“Letting go of the dreams we had together
that would never see the light of day.”
“It’s really hard not to reflect on what was,
and imagine what could have been.”
We are at a time of year
where it can be particularly painful to be alone,
and it can be really painful to be alone
when we’ve lost someone that
somewhere in our mind we had as the person we were supposed to be with.
That pain can be made even worse
if we think that the reason the relationship didn’t work,
was because of something we did.
Maybe we we’re too anxious.
太缺乏安全感 太想控制 过分嫉妒 压力太大……
Maybe we we’re too insecure, too controlling, too jealous, too stressed…
When you feel like that it’s dangerous
because now you can torture yourself with guilt, shame,
持续的自我评判 自责 自我厌恶折磨自己
constant self-judgement, self-blame,self-loathing
and that puts you on a loop, and the loop is,
‘If I’d only done it this way,
I still would have that person.”
‘If I’d only been this way…”
”If I’d only stopped doing that thing,
that person would still be in my life
and I am to blame for the fact that I am now alone,
and missing the person I was supposed to be with.”
It’s a circle.
It doesn’t go anywhere.
It doesn’t take you anywhere practical, or productive.
It doesn’t get someone back.
It doesn’t help you do the work to move on, to be better
to eradicate some of our negative behaviors,
不会让你变得坚强 更为鼓舞 更加自信
to become stronger, more empowered, more confident.
It just keeps you exactly where you are,
going crazy inside your own mind.
I have three things that I wanna say to you today
that I’m hoping can be a pressure valve
for those horrible toxic feelings that keep you in that place.
The first thing I wanna say is
don’t assume that if you had only done things differently
that relationship would have been perfect, and would have lasted forever,
because that’s an assumption.
You don’t always know the real reasons
why someone has decided to break up with you.
They give you their reasons,
but we can’t always take those at face value.
They often give us the most convenient reasons.
The reasons that are easier for them to say.
Meanwhile, we go away thinking, that was one hundred percent of why they broke up with us,
and we think for the rest of our lives,
that’s the thing we have to focus on and change,
but they don’t give us the whole picture.
So very often, we’re basing all of our assumptions around a convenient truth for them.
We also have to remember that
if we had been better in the relationship,
if we had been stronger,
that would have changed the dynamic of the relationship,
and sometimes when you get stronger,
when you get more confident,
when you bring more to the relationship
it reveals more weaknesses in the other person.
Maybe they’ve become intimidated.
Maybe they’ve become afraid of your personal power.
Maybe you start demanding more,
because you feel more confident,
and you feel entitled to more in the relationship,
and that exposes how little they’re really willing to give.
So we have to be very careful in thinking that,
“Had I been different, everything would have been wonderful.”
That’s not necessarily true.
第二 若这段感情需要失败 才能让你发掘
Number Two What if that relationship needed to go wrong
for you to fulfill your full potential,
because we do not change when we’re comfortable.
We change when we feel genuine stakes, genuine consequences.
This relationship, this pain that you’re feeling
as difficult as it may be to hear
could be one of the greatest gifts you’ve ever received.
Not just for yourself, but for your future relationship,
because the person you ultimately end up with
is going to benefit from this suffering that you’re going through now
because you’re gonna bring
更善良 更有同情心 更自信的你
a kinder, more compassionate, more confident you to the table next time
if this pain gets you to do the work.
And look, before that makes you feel too much,
like you have to sacrifice this incredible thing in your life
in order to get the change that you want.
Let me make point number three.
There isn’t one person
who is solely capable of fulfilling the role of”The One” in your life.
There are seven billion people on this planet.
You were fortunate to have met one of the people
that you created a deep bond with
and a relationship that was good enough
that you can grieve over it in this way
but that doesn’t mean there aren’t many more of them out there.
They are waiting for you
and the only way to guarantee
that you never experience any of those other lifetimes available to you
is to stay in that loop of self-blame
审视 羞愧 内疚的恶性循环中
and judgement, and shame, and guilt.
Look there are two skills that
I see over and over again in people that lead happy
and successful lives
and that is not that they avoid pain
Because everyone goes through pain, everyone goes through suffering
It’s that they have this ability
to forgive themselves for things that they’ve done wrong
for weaknesses, for mistakes they’ve made
and the ability to reframe
any situation,and turn it into a gift
turn it into something positive.
I hope, especially in this holiday season that you will
find time to look back on this year
and forgive yourself for the ways that
you screwed up this year
the weak moments, the mistakes
and that even if you fucked up this year in a whole bunch of ways
even if you fucked the whole year up
you’re able to look back on it and say
“You know what? Even that’s a good thing.”
“Even that’s a good thing,
because me screwing that up, me making all those mistakes…
That’s the foundation of what I’m about to do next.”
“That’s the motivation for what I’m about to do next.”
Forgive and Reframe.
Two valuable valuable skills
and they are an art form
and the more we practice it
the better we get
So I hope you’re having a tremendous time over the holidays
and by the way
if you wan na learn these two things with me
come join me on my retreat
I specialize in doing these things with people
and I take them through a transformative process
where I show them how to do this
and once they do it, it’s like
the weight of the world is lifted off their shoulders
because we carry this stuff through our lives
and we don’t need to.
Click the link, and check it out for yourself.
I know that this is a time where
we’re buying lots of gifts for everyone else
but this would be the greatest gift that you give yourself
because it will transform your life
your confidence, your self-worth
and in the process it becomes a gift for everyone
you know as well, because when you transform yourself
you have more to give, more to love
more kindness, more empathy
more generosity, and more power for everyone else in your life.
So check it out.
Click the link, and have an incredible time over the holidays.
I love you guys.
I’ll see you next week.