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孩提时代的“感受表达教育” – 译学馆
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孩提时代的“感受表达教育”

What we don't teach kids about sex | Sue Jaye Johnson

记得我小的时候 我阿姨给我梳头发
I remember my aunt brushing my hair when I was a child.
我感觉胃里有麻刺感
I felt this tingling in my stomach,
肚子也很胀
this swelling in my belly.
她所有注意力都在我身上 看着我
All her attention on me, just me.
我美丽的阿姨Bea
My beautiful Aunt Bea,
用一把精美的鬃毛梳给我梳头发
stroking my hairwith a fine-bristled brush.
你有这样的能马上召唤起身体感觉的记忆吗?
Do you have a memory like that that you can feel in your body right now?
在会说话前 我们只能依靠感觉
Before language, we’re all sensation.
在这个世界上 孩子们都是通过触摸去
As children, that’s how we learn to differentiate ourselves in the world —
认识事物
through touch.
用嘴巴 双手 皮肤去感触物品
Everything goes in the mouth,the hands, on the skin.
感觉 是我们第一次体验爱的方式
Sensation — it is the way that we firstexperience love.
它是人际关系的基础
It’s the basis of human connection.
我们希望孩子们长大后能拥有健康的亲密关系
We want our children to grow up to have healthy intimate relationships.
所以作为父母
So as parents,
我们应该教孩子一些性知识
one of the things that we do is we teach our children about sex.
我们可以用书
We have books to help us,
学校则有基础的性教育
we have sex ed at school for the basics.
还有色情期刊作补充
There’s porn to fill in the gaps —
而且他们肯定会看
and it will fill in the gaps.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我们要告诉孩子们关于人体构造 生理机制
We teach our children”the talk”about biology and mechanics,
怀孕和性安全的知识
about pregnancy and safe sex,
这就是他们长大后
and that’s what our kids grow up thinking
要懂的几乎所有性知识了
that sex is pretty much all about.
但我们还可以多教一些
But we can do better than that.
我们可以教给子女们什么是愉悦和欲望
We can teach our sons and daughtersabout pleasure and desire,
什么是妥协和底线
about consent and boundaries,
身体在经历这些时是什么感觉
about what it feels liketo be present in their body
以及它们什么时候会消失
and to know when they’re not.
教授方式可以是触摸 扮演 眼神交流
And we do that in the ways that we model touch, play, make eye contact
任何吸引他们的方式都行
all the ways that we engage their senses.
我们教给孩子不仅是性知识
We can teach our childrennot just about sex,
还有性享受
but about sensuality.
这是我还是个女孩时所需的知识
This is the kind of talk that I needed as a girl.
我那时还很敏感
I was extremely sensitive,
但到青春期后也就麻木了
but by the time I was an adolescent, I had numbed out.
男生嘲笑我的身体变化时的羞耻感
The shame of boys mocking my changing body
而讽刺的是女生也因我对男生的兴趣而孤立我
and then girls exiling me for, ironically, my interest in boys,
这样的事太多了
it was so much.
我无法用任何语言表达这段经历
I didn’t have any languagefor what I was experiencing;
我不知道它将会过去
I didn’t know it was going to pass.
所以我做了当时我能做的最好的事
So I did the best thingI could at the time
我备受煎熬
and I checked out.
这种痛苦感一直如影随形
And you can’t isolatejust the difficult feelings,
为此我失去了快乐之匙
so I lost access to the joy,the pleasure, the play,
然后我就这样带着轻微抑郁度过了数十年
and I spent decades like that, with this his low-grade depression,
想着这是不是成长的必经之路
thinking that this is what it meant to be a grown-up.
去年
For the past year,
我采访了许多人 了解他们的性关系
I’ve been interviewing men and women about their relationship to sex
然后我听到了一个又一个我的故事
and I’ve heard my story again and again.
女孩们被认为过度敏感
Girls who were toldthey were too sensitive, too much.
男孩则被灌输“拿出男人的样子”
Boys who were taught to man up —
“别这么情绪化”
“don’t be so emotional.”
我知道在这场考验中我不是一个人
I learned I was not alone in checking out.
是我的女儿让我想起了那些过往的感受
It was my daughter who reminded me of how much I used to feel.
我们在沙滩上
We were at the beach.
这是少有的一天
It was this rare day.
我关掉了我的手机
I turned off my cell phone,
在日历上写下“和女儿的沙滩一日”
put in the calendar,”Day at the beach with the girls.”
我把毛巾铺在
I laid our towels down just
没有海浪的地方
out of reach of the surf
躺下睡觉
and fell asleep.
当我醒来时
And when I woke up,
我看到我女儿像这样把沙子撒在她胳膊上
I saw my daughter drizzling sand on her arm like this,
我似乎能感到她皮肤上的沙子
and I could feel that light tickle
带来的的轻微痒意
of sand on her skin
我想起我的阿姨给我梳头发
and I remembered my aunt brushing my hair.
所以我蜷在她身旁
So I curled up next to her
在她另一只胳膊上也撒上沙子 再是腿
and I drizzled sand on her other arm and then her legs.
我说 “嘿 我把你埋起来怎么样”
And then I said,”Hey, you want me to bury you?”
她睁大双眼 回答“好啊!”
And her eyes got really bigand she was like,”Yeah!”
我们挖了个大坑 我把她埋在沙子和贝壳下
So we dug a hole and I covered her in sand and shells
再画出这只小美人鱼的尾巴
and drew this little mermaid tail.
然后我把她带回家
And then I took her home
在淋浴下给她涂满肥皂泡
and lathered her up in the shower
按摩她的头皮再用毛巾给她擦干身体
and massaged her scalp and I dried her off in a towel.
然后我想 “嗯
And I thought, “Ah.
我这样做过多少次呢?——
How many times had I done that —
给她洗澡再帮她擦干——
bathed her and dried her off —
但我有停下来去关心过
but had I ever stopped and paid attention
我带给她的感觉么?”
to the sensationsthat I was creating for her?”
我一直把她当流水线上的产品对待
I’d been treating herlike she was on some assembly line
喂她吃饭 哄她睡觉
of children needing to be fedand put to bed.
然后我意识到
And I realized
当我如一个爱人般温柔地
that when I dry my daughter off
用毛巾给她擦干身体时
in a towel tenderly the way a lover would,
我是在让她去盼望这样的触摸
I’m teaching herto expect that kind of touch.
那一刻我所教她的事与亲密行为有关
I’m teaching her in that momentabout intimacy.
与自爱和自重有关
About how to love her bodyand respect her body.
我知道这个话题的很多内容
I realized there are parts of the talk
无法用言语表达
that can’t be conveyed in words.
Peggy Orenstein的书
In her book,”Girls and Sex,”
《女孩与性》里写道
writer Peggy Orenstein finds
年轻女性更看重伴侣的愉悦
that young women are focusingon their partner’s pleasure,
而不是自身
not their own.
当孩子们长大后
This is something I’m going to talk
这些是我想和她们说的
about with my girls when they’re older,
但现在
but for now,
我想办法帮助她们确定什么让她们快乐
I look for ways to help them identify what gives them pleasure
帮助她们练习表达快乐
and to practice articulating that.
给女儿掖被子时 她说“帮我按摩背吧”
“Rub my back,” my daughter sayswhen I tuck her in.
我说好
And I say,” OK,
你想我怎么按摩呢?
how do you want me to rub your back?”
她说“不知道”
“I don’t know,” she says.
所以我停下 等着她的指示
So I pause, waiting for her directions.
最后她说 “像你给我挠痒痒那样
Finally she says,”OK, up and to the right,
从上往右” 我用指尖按摩她的脊椎
like you’re tickling me.” I run my fingertips up her spine.
“然后?”我问
“What else?” I ask.
“到左边去 现在重一点”
“Over to the left, a little harder now.”
我们得教孩子明确表达她们感觉的方法
We need to teach our childrenhow to articulate their sensations
以便她们熟知此道
so they’re familiar with them.
我想办法在家里面和我的女儿
I look for ways to play games with my girls
玩这样的游戏
at home to do this.
我用手指甲在她手臂上抓一下 说
I scratch my fingernailson my daughter’s arm and say,
“用个词描述它”
“Give me one word to describe this.”
“暴力的” 她说
“Violent,” she says.
我拥抱她 紧紧地抱住她
I embrace her, hold her tight.
“被保护的”她说
“Protected,” she tells me.
我找机会告诉她们我的感受和经历
I find opportunitiesto tell them how I’m feeling,
所以我们挺有共同语言的
what I’m experiencing, so we have common language.
就像现在
Like right now,
这种从头皮蔓延到脊柱的麻刺感
this tingling in my scalp down my spine
意味着我紧张而兴奋
means I’m nervous and I’m excited.
为了回应我 你可能也有了这种感觉
You are likely experiencing sensationsin response to me.
回应我所使用的语言 分享的观点
The language I’m using, the ideas I’m sharing.
我们喜欢去判断这些
And our tendencyis to judge these reactions
反应的好坏
and sort them into a hierarchy:
从而趋利避害
better or worse, and then seek or avoid them.
那是因为我们处在二元文化中
And that’s because we livein this binary culture
小时候 大人们教我们以好坏划分世界
and we’re taught from a very young age to sort the world into good and bad.
“你喜欢那本书吗?”
“Did you like that book?”
“你今天过得好吗?”
“Did you have a good day?”
不如换成“你对这个故事怎么看?”
How about,”What did younotice about that story?”
“跟我说说你今天过得怎么样
“Tell me a moment about your day.
学到了什么?”
What did you learn?”
告诉孩子们
Let’s teach our children to
要把心态放开 像异域旅客一样
stay open and curious about their experiences,
对自己的所见所闻感到新奇
like a traveler in a foreign land.
那样他们就能诚实的表达感受 不用几经曲折
And that way they can stay with sensation without checking out —
不用像我一样 像大多数人一样
even the heightenedand challenging ones —
遭受指责 备受煎熬
the way I did, the way so many of us have.
我希望能给我女儿这种“感受表达教育”
This sense education, this is education I want for my daughters.
这是一个女孩需要的
Sense education is what I needed as girl.
是我希望孩子们都能有的
It’s what I hope for all of our children.
希望孩提时代时他们就有这样的意识
This awareness of sensation, it’s where we began as children.
这是我们从孩子身上所学到的
It’s what we can learn from our children
相应地 也是当他们长大后
and it’s what we canin turn remind our children
我们该提醒他们的事情
as they come of age.
谢谢大家
Thank you.
(掌声)
(Applause)

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视频概述

为了孩子长大后能建立健康的人际关系,我们应该告诉孩子们如何去表达自己的感受

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

六十一

审核员

审核员 D

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMXdSkW6hns

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