I remember my aunt brushing my hair when I was a child.
I felt this tingling in my stomach,
this swelling in my belly.
All her attention on me, just me.
My beautiful Aunt Bea,
stroking my hairwith a fine-bristled brush.
Do you have a memory like that that you can feel in your body right now?
Before language, we’re all sensation.
As children, that’s how we learn to differentiate ourselves in the world —
用嘴巴 双手 皮肤去感触物品
Everything goes in the mouth,the hands, on the skin.
Sensation — it is the way that we firstexperience love.
It’s the basis of human connection.
We want our children to grow up to have healthy intimate relationships.
So as parents,
one of the things that we do is we teach our children about sex.
We have books to help us,
we have sex ed at school for the basics.
There’s porn to fill in the gaps —
and it will fill in the gaps.
We teach our children”the talk”about biology and mechanics,
about pregnancy and safe sex,
and that’s what our kids grow up thinking
that sex is pretty much all about.
But we can do better than that.
We can teach our sons and daughtersabout pleasure and desire,
about consent and boundaries,
about what it feels liketo be present in their body
and to know when they’re not.
教授方式可以是触摸 扮演 眼神交流
And we do that in the ways that we model touch, play, make eye contact
all the ways that we engage their senses.
We can teach our childrennot just about sex,
but about sensuality.
This is the kind of talk that I needed as a girl.
I was extremely sensitive,
but by the time I was an adolescent, I had numbed out.
The shame of boys mocking my changing body
and then girls exiling me for, ironically, my interest in boys,
it was so much.
I didn’t have any languagefor what I was experiencing;
I didn’t know it was going to pass.
So I did the best thingI could at the time
and I checked out.
And you can’t isolatejust the difficult feelings,
so I lost access to the joy,the pleasure, the play,
and I spent decades like that, with this his low-grade depression,
thinking that this is what it meant to be a grown-up.
For the past year,
I’ve been interviewing men and women about their relationship to sex
and I’ve heard my story again and again.
Girls who were toldthey were too sensitive, too much.
Boys who were taught to man up —
“don’t be so emotional.”
I learned I was not alone in checking out.
It was my daughter who reminded me of how much I used to feel.
We were at the beach.
It was this rare day.
I turned off my cell phone,
put in the calendar,”Day at the beach with the girls.”
I laid our towels down just
out of reach of the surf
and fell asleep.
And when I woke up,
I saw my daughter drizzling sand on her arm like this,
and I could feel that light tickle
of sand on her skin
and I remembered my aunt brushing my hair.
So I curled up next to her
and I drizzled sand on her other arm and then her legs.
我说 “嘿 我把你埋起来怎么样”
And then I said,”Hey, you want me to bury you?”
And her eyes got really bigand she was like,”Yeah!”
So we dug a hole and I covered her in sand and shells
and drew this little mermaid tail.
And then I took her home
and lathered her up in the shower
and massaged her scalp and I dried her off in a towel.
And I thought, “Ah.
How many times had I done that —
bathed her and dried her off —
but had I ever stopped and paid attention
to the sensationsthat I was creating for her?”
I’d been treating herlike she was on some assembly line
of children needing to be fedand put to bed.
And I realized
that when I dry my daughter off
in a towel tenderly the way a lover would,
I’m teaching herto expect that kind of touch.
I’m teaching her in that momentabout intimacy.
About how to love her bodyand respect her body.
I realized there are parts of the talk
that can’t be conveyed in words.
In her book,”Girls and Sex,”
writer Peggy Orenstein finds
that young women are focusingon their partner’s pleasure,
not their own.
This is something I’m going to talk
about with my girls when they’re older,
but for now,
I look for ways to help them identify what gives them pleasure
and to practice articulating that.
“Rub my back,” my daughter sayswhen I tuck her in.
And I say,” OK,
how do you want me to rub your back?”
“I don’t know,” she says.
So I pause, waiting for her directions.
Finally she says,”OK, up and to the right,
like you’re tickling me.” I run my fingertips up her spine.
“What else?” I ask.
“Over to the left, a little harder now.”
We need to teach our childrenhow to articulate their sensations
so they’re familiar with them.
I look for ways to play games with my girls
at home to do this.
I scratch my fingernailson my daughter’s arm and say,
“Give me one word to describe this.”
“Violent,” she says.
I embrace her, hold her tight.
“Protected,” she tells me.
I find opportunitiesto tell them how I’m feeling,
what I’m experiencing, so we have common language.
Like right now,
this tingling in my scalp down my spine
means I’m nervous and I’m excited.
You are likely experiencing sensationsin response to me.
The language I’m using, the ideas I’m sharing.
And our tendencyis to judge these reactions
and sort them into a hierarchy:
better or worse, and then seek or avoid them.
And that’s because we livein this binary culture
and we’re taught from a very young age to sort the world into good and bad.
“Did you like that book?”
“Did you have a good day?”
How about,”What did younotice about that story?”
“Tell me a moment about your day.
What did you learn?”
Let’s teach our children to
stay open and curious about their experiences,
like a traveler in a foreign land.
And that way they can stay with sensation without checking out —
even the heightenedand challenging ones —
the way I did, the way so many of us have.
This sense education, this is education I want for my daughters.
Sense education is what I needed as girl.
It’s what I hope for all of our children.
This awareness of sensation, it’s where we began as children.
It’s what we can learn from our children
and it’s what we canin turn remind our children
as they come of age.