One of our viewers has written in asking
What do when other parents are complaining my child?
This gets me a little fired up.
I may go on a rant for a moment
Let me give you the context first.
This particular viewer wrote in and said,
“Parent friends have made comments
that they don’t want their children
being around kids that have been abused.
And my child has been abused.
Do I just hope they don’t find out?” Oh, boy.
Okay, this is getting me a little fired up. And I’m going to do the rant first
and then let’s get practical.
And I’ll give you some specific steps that you can use.
Whether it’s about abuse…
And first of all, there’s no such thing as a bad kid.
Let’s just get that out of our head for just a minute.
There’s no such thing.
I know that there are kids who misbehave. I get it.
Got some tips and strategies that I’ll share with you
to help him with that.
But they’re not bad kids.
They may be engaged in bad behavior.
In this particular example,
the parents probably well-meaning are saying,
“Well, I don’t want my kid to be around an abuse kid.”
Not knowing that our viewer friend has a child who’s been abused.
Now, what does that create inside of her heart and mind?
I have a little problem with that.
And I understand that abused kids
sometimes manifest certain kinds of behavioral problems.
So they may put other kids at risk.
That is not true of every abused kid.
And what kind of kids get abused?
The bad ones? No.
There’s no bad kids.
They’re kids who are available to an abuser.
In whatever context that is.
So, you could give me going on that.
But I’ve got a few other things to rant about first.
I think we should all spend less time judging
and more time being accepting and tolerant and loving.
Everybody has issues.
And we tend to pick out the ones that are our favorites
and we like to beat up on those
and create barriers and categories for people who are not like us.
Well, everybody has issues.
There’s a bumper sticker that I heard referred to recently in a talk that says,
“Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”
I love that. Because we all got stuff.
We’ve all got skeletons in the closet.
Let’s quit beating up people for the ones that they have.
One of my colleagues used to say this:
“What other people think about me is none of my business.”
Can you own that for a minute?
People are going to have their opinions.
Don’t let it get inside of you or tip you over.
What other people think about you, there’s none of your business.
And while I’m at it,
how about we just let go of some of the categories that we use to think about people.
It’s not that this kid is an abused kid.
This is a child who has a name,
who has interest, who has a family.
And just so happens that they were abused.
Let ‘s quit categorizing people by their race or their gender
or their sexual orientation or whatever other categories we think are handy
to judge them.
Let’s let that go, can we?
And at the end of the day, what kind of friends do you want to have?
This viewer said that this… These are my parent friends who are saying
they don’t want their kid to be around someone whose abuse,
really? That’s the kind of friends you want to keep?
Now, I have tolerance and compassion for them
because they probably don’t even know what they’re talking about.
But really let’s be discerning about who we want to hang out with and associate with too.
Okay, I think my rants over.
That just fired me up.
And I have very little tolerance for the kind of prejudice
and judgment that goes on in these kinds of situations.
Now, having said that,
what can we do as parents
when somebody else is complaining about our concern about our kid?
Let’s take a breath.
Maybe just Dr. Paul needs a breath. Okay.
可能只是我 Paul医生 要喘口气
And let’s get into 3 tips that are going to help you with that.
I’m inviting you to a higher level of thinking and interacting
and just showing up as a human being.
Tip number 1, is to create dilemma for anyone who might be judging you or your child.
You show up in the most genuine sincere way that you possibly can
without retaliating or reacting to their judgments.
Create a situation for them. I called it a dilemma, okay?
And a dilemma comes from the the image of a 2-horned animal and
the one horn or the other.
You get stuck on one or the other, okay?
That’s the dilemma.
They can’t believe this without letting this go.
Or they can’t believe that without letting this go.
同理 你不放开那个角 你就无法相信这个角
You’re going to create a dilemma
通过做一个可爱 宽容 包容度高
by being the most loving kind
accepting tolerant person that you can be and having whatever it is that they’re concerned about
In my book,
I write about a time in my life when I hit a financial low.
I went through a bankruptcy at that point.
No, I wasn’t proud of it at the time.
But I’ve learned since
that it’s been a valuable learning opportunity for me to get to where I am today.
And so, as I created a dilemma for some people
and shared with them what was true,
I’m going back to the question too.
“Do I just keep this a secret?
Do I hope they never find out?
What if they don’t find out?
And they find out that their preconceived notions are completely misguided?”
And I did this with my bankruptcy as I shared it with some of my clients and I said,
“You know when I went through my bankruptcy…”
And they’re like, “What? You!!?”
他们说 “什么？你！！ ？”
And I’m like, “Yeah, me. I’ve been there. I’ve done that.”
我说 “是的 我 我遭遇过 我破产过”
“But you’re so successful.”
I’m like, “I know, right? Yeah.”
我说 “我知道 对吧？是的”
No, actually I’m just humbled by the experience.
不 实际上是因为我经过这件事 懂得了谦虚
And they had to resolve the dilemma in their own mind.
“Wait a minute here’s a person that I know
unlike who has this characteristic that I thought was unacceptable.
” Whatever it is. And I’m just using the bankruptcy as an example.
You create a dilemma for them.
Show up and live your life fully.
Do you want to live in the shame of the shadows
or can we step forward and have the empowerment of just living in the light?
Here’s my second tip:
Strengthen and fortify your children.
This isn’t the last time that the world is gonna try to beat them up a little bit.
For circumstances, things outside of their control.
Maybe even things that they chose to do.
They are going to be judged and criticized from time to time.
I like the way Bishop Desmond tutu put this, archbishop South Africa,
who said, we are all broken
and from that brokenness we hurt each other,
and then he suggests that forgiveness is the healing gift
that we can give to ourselves and others.
Because we’re broken, we’re going to hurt each other.
People are going to hurt your kids.
I am so sorry to tell you that but you already know it.
Let’s fortify and strengthen them
against the blows that are sure to come in their life.
We want them to have the character and integrity
to be able to take that in a way that doesn’t tip them over, doesn’t destroy their life.
It actually strengthens them to deal with these kinds of things.
So, let’s provide them with the tools to do that.
I think one of the primary ways we do this
is by encouraging and teaching empathy and compassion.
They’ll understand when some of the mean things happen.
That has an impact and an effect on them.
Use that to help them understand how that impacts
other human beings on the planet.
As you teach them empathy,
which is understanding and caring about how other people feel.
And compassion which is where you have kindness
and a willingness to serve and suffer for someone else.
Now, my third tip and a disclaimer.
This is going to take some maturity on your part.
And that is to choose love.
It’s the easiest thing
when somebody judges us or criticizes us
or complains about us or our kids.
It’s the easiest thing to
just let that mama bear come out *Roar*
and just and take them on, right?
Take them down if you can.
That probably is going to make things worse.
Choose love even if and especially when other people are choosing hate.
The most powerful example I can think of this.
I got to meet Immaculée Ilibagiza a few years ago.
If he can even spell that name
go look her up she wrote a book called “Left To Tell”, Immaculée Ilibagiza.
去查查她 她写了一本书叫《幸存者告白》Immaculee Ilibagiza
And as I met this powerful woman
who shares her story
of being a young woman
in Rwanda during the Holocaust, the genocide that was happening.
And she witnessed and experienced
the murder of her dear friends and her family.
Can you imagine what that would do inside of you?
And it turned her up a bit.
She realized at some point that she had a choice to make.
She could hate the haters or she could choose love.
That’s not an easy choice.
But it’s an important choice.
Because if she chose to hate and seek retaliation and revenge,
then she’s likely to do things that would perpetuate centuries
of warfare and hatred between these 2 tribes.
She knew and I think was inspired to know this,
that the only legitimate option is to choose love
especially when people are being hateful.
Because that’s the only way we’re going to stop the cycle.
Thank you for being the conscious parent that you are.
And for tolerating my rant just now.
You can tell that I get excited about this kind of stuff.
If this resonates with you
and you want to be part of our positive parenting community,
your next step is to jump on a breakthrough call with one of our coaches.
We have groups, we have programs,
we have courses available to you as a parent.
One of our viewers has written in asking