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其他家长抱怨我的孩子时该怎么办 – 译学馆
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其他家长抱怨我的孩子时该怎么办

What To Do When Other Parents Are Complaining About My Child

One of our viewers has written in asking
有个观众写信问
What do when other parents are complaining my child?
当别的家长抱怨我的孩子时该做些什么?
This gets me a little fired up.
这让我有点恼火
I may go on a rant for a moment
我可能要发一通火
Let me give you the context first.
我们先看看这个问题的背景
This particular viewer wrote in and said,
这位观众写到
“Parent friends have made comments
“家长朋友们说”
that they don’t want their children
“他们不想让自己的孩子”
being around kids that have been abused.
“和那些受过虐待的孩子们在一起”
And my child has been abused.
“而我的孩子就被虐待过”
Do I just hope they don’t find out?” Oh, boy.
“我应该只希望他们不会发现吗?” 天呐
Okay, this is getting me a little fired up. And I’m going to do the rant first
这让我有点恼火 我要先发一通火
and then let’s get practical.
之后我们会实际处理这个问题
And I’ll give you some specific steps that you can use.
我给你一些实用的具体步骤
Whether it’s about abuse…
不管是不是针对虐待
And first of all, there’s no such thing as a bad kid.
首先 世界上没有坏孩子
Let’s just get that out of our head for just a minute.
让我们跳出自己的思维模式一分钟
There’s no such thing.
没有坏孩子
I know that there are kids who misbehave. I get it.
我明白有些孩子行为不端
Got some tips and strategies that I’ll share with you
这里有一些技巧和策略 我会与你分享
to help him with that.
来帮助他解决这个问题
But they’re not bad kids.
但他们并不是坏孩子
They may be engaged in bad behavior.
他们可能有些不好的行为
In this particular example,
就这个例子中
the parents probably well-meaning are saying,
家长们可能是出于好意
“Well, I don’t want my kid to be around an abuse kid.”
说 “我不想我的孩子和个受虐的孩子在一起”
Not knowing that our viewer friend has a child who’s been abused.
但不知道这位观众的孩子曾经受到虐待
Now, what does that create inside of her heart and mind?
那么 这对她的内心和思想造成了什么影响?
I have a little problem with that.
我有点好奇
And I understand that abused kids
我知道受过虐待的孩子
sometimes manifest certain kinds of behavioral problems.
有时会表现出某些行为问题
So they may put other kids at risk.
所以可能会置其他孩子于危险之中
That is not true of every abused kid.
但并不是每个受虐待的孩子都这样
And what kind of kids get abused?
什么样的孩子会被虐待?
The bad ones? No.
坏孩子吗?不
There’s no bad kids.
没有坏孩子
They’re kids who are available to an abuser.
他们只是因为被施暴者逮住了机会
In whatever context that is.
与事件发生背景无关
So, you could give me going on that.
你可以给我讲一下
But I’ve got a few other things to rant about first.
但我得先来痛斥点儿别的事
I think we should all spend less time judging
我认为我们都应该少花时间去评判
and more time being accepting and tolerant and loving.
多花时间去接受 宽容和爱
Everybody has issues.
每个人都有问题
And we tend to pick out the ones that are our favorites
我们常常挑出自己最喜欢的别人的问题
and we like to beat up on those
然后进行攻击
and create barriers and categories for people who are not like us.
跟与自己不同的人划清界限 给其分类
Well, everybody has issues.
每个人都有问题
There’s a bumper sticker that I heard referred to recently in a talk that says,
最近我在一次谈话中听别人提到有个车尾贴是这么写的
“Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”
“不要因为我的罪恶与你不同就评判我”
I love that. Because we all got stuff.
我很喜欢这句话 因为我们都有罪
We’ve all got skeletons in the closet.
我们都有不可告人的秘密
Let’s quit beating up people for the ones that they have.
我们不要再去攻击别人的隐私了
One of my colleagues used to say this:
我一个同事曾说过这样一句话
“What other people think about me is none of my business.”
“别人怎么看我不关我的事”
Can you own that for a minute?
你能承认吗?哪怕一分钟
People are going to have their opinions.
人们会有自己的想法
Don’t let it get inside of you or tip you over.
不要往心里去 也不要失去理智
What other people think about you, there’s none of your business.
别人怎么看你 与你无关
And while I’m at it,
当我在想这个问题的时候
how about we just let go of some of the categories that we use to think about people.
我们是否可以不要再把人分类来看
It’s not that this kid is an abused kid.
这个孩子并不是一个“受虐待”的孩子
This is a child who has a name,
他是一个有名字
who has interest, who has a family.
有兴趣 有家人的孩子
And just so happens that they were abused.
只是碰巧受到了虐待
Let ‘s quit categorizing people by their race or their gender
我们不要再根据种族 性别
or their sexual orientation or whatever other categories we think are handy
性取向等简易标签
to judge them.
来对他们进行评判
Let’s let that go, can we?
不要这样 好吗?
And at the end of the day, what kind of friends do you want to have?
一天将尽 你想要什么样的朋友?
This viewer said that this… These are my parent friends who are saying
这个观众说 是她的那些家长朋友说
they don’t want their kid to be around someone whose abuse,
不想让自己的孩子跟受虐待的孩子相处
really? That’s the kind of friends you want to keep?
真的吗?这就是你想要的朋友吗?
Now, I have tolerance and compassion for them
现在 我原谅并同情他们
because they probably don’t even know what they’re talking about.
因为他们可能连自己在说什么都不知道
But really let’s be discerning about who we want to hang out with and associate with too.
但真的要分辨我们想和谁出去玩 与谁结交
Okay, I think my rants over.
好吧 我想我的火发完了
That just fired me up.
我刚才被惹怒了
And I have very little tolerance for the kind of prejudice
我不能容忍这种情况下的
and judgment that goes on in these kinds of situations.
偏见和判断
Now, having said that,
话虽如此
what can we do as parents
作为父母 当别人抱怨我们对孩子的顾虑时
when somebody else is complaining about our concern about our kid?
我们能做些什么呢?
Let’s take a breath.
深呼吸
Maybe just Dr. Paul needs a breath. Okay.
可能只是我 Paul医生 要喘口气
And let’s get into 3 tips that are going to help you with that.
我们来看看三个小窍门 帮你解决这个问题
I’m inviting you to a higher level of thinking and interacting
请你和我一起进行深入思考和互动
and just showing up as a human being.
以人的角度出发即可
Tip number 1, is to create dilemma for anyone who might be judging you or your child.
窍门一 为难那些对你或你的孩子评头论足的人
You show up in the most genuine sincere way that you possibly can
对他们的评论不予回应 也不加以报复
without retaliating or reacting to their judgments.
而是表现得尽可能真诚
Create a situation for them. I called it a dilemma, okay?
给他们制造一个两难的处境 怎么样?
And a dilemma comes from the the image of a 2-horned animal and
困境的概念来源于一种两角动物的形象
the one horn or the other.
这个角和那个角
You get stuck on one or the other, okay?
你要么困在这个角 要么困在那个角
That’s the dilemma.
这是个困境
They can’t believe this without letting this go.
你不放开这个角 你就无法相信那个角
Or they can’t believe that without letting this go.
同理 你不放开那个角 你就无法相信这个角
You’re going to create a dilemma
通过做一个可爱 宽容 包容度高
by being the most loving kind
能够想他们所想的人
accepting tolerant person that you can be and having whatever it is that they’re concerned about
就会让他们陷入这样的困境之中
Quick example:
举个简单的例子
In my book,
在我的书中
I write about a time in my life when I hit a financial low.
有一段关于我人生中财务低谷时期的描述
I went through a bankruptcy at that point.
那时我已经破产了
No, I wasn’t proud of it at the time.
不 这在当时没什么好骄傲的
But I’ve learned since
但之后 我明白了
that it’s been a valuable learning opportunity for me to get to where I am today.
这是一个宝贵的学习机会 让我走到了今天的位置
And so, as I created a dilemma for some people
所以 当我给别人制造难题
and shared with them what was true,
并和他们分享真实事件
I’m going back to the question too.
我仍会回到这个问题
“Do I just keep this a secret?
“我要保守这个秘密吗?”
Do I hope they never find out?
“我希望他们永远不会发现吗?”
What if they don’t find out?
“如果他们不知道怎么办?”
And they find out that their preconceived notions are completely misguided?”
“如果他们发现自己的预想完全被误导了怎么办?”
And I did this with my bankruptcy as I shared it with some of my clients and I said,
我曾经就这么做过 我把破产这事分享给一些客户并说
“You know when I went through my bankruptcy…”
“当我破产时”
And they’re like, “What? You!!?”
他们说 “什么?你!! ?”
And I’m like, “Yeah, me. I’ve been there. I’ve done that.”
我说 “是的 我 我遭遇过 我破产过”
“But you’re so successful.”
“但是你太成功了”
I’m like, “I know, right? Yeah.”
我说 “我知道 对吧?是的”
No, actually I’m just humbled by the experience.
不 实际上是因为我经过这件事 懂得了谦虚
And they had to resolve the dilemma in their own mind.
他们必须独立解决自己的困境
“Wait a minute here’s a person that I know
“等一下 我认识一个人
unlike who has this characteristic that I thought was unacceptable.
他的性格我是能接受的”
” Whatever it is. And I’m just using the bankruptcy as an example.
不管它是什么 我只是以破产为例
You create a dilemma for them.
你给他们制造了一个困境
Show up and live your life fully.
展示出来 过好自己的生活
Do you want to live in the shame of the shadows
你是想伴着耻辱生活
or can we step forward and have the empowerment of just living in the light?
还是向前一步 鼓足勇气活在光明之中?
Here’s my second tip:
第二个窍门:
Strengthen and fortify your children.
让你的孩子变得强大
This isn’t the last time that the world is gonna try to beat them up a little bit.
这不是世界最后一次试图打击他们
For circumstances, things outside of their control.
在事情超出他们控制的情况下
Maybe even things that they chose to do.
甚至这事是他们选择去做的
They are going to be judged and criticized from time to time.
他们会不时地受到评判和批评
I like the way Bishop Desmond tutu put this, archbishop South Africa,
我喜欢南非大主教Desmond Tutu的说法
who said, we are all broken
他说 我们都是破碎的
and from that brokenness we hurt each other,
我们从破碎中互相伤害
and then he suggests that forgiveness is the healing gift
然后他提出宽恕是我们可以
that we can give to ourselves and others.
治愈自己和他人的礼物
Because we’re broken, we’re going to hurt each other.
因为我们是破碎的 我们会伤害彼此
People are going to hurt your kids.
人们会伤害你的孩子
I am so sorry to tell you that but you already know it.
我很抱歉地告诉你这一点 但你已经知道了
Let’s fortify and strengthen them
让我们鼓励他们坚强起来
against the blows that are sure to come in their life.
抵御生活中必然会有的打击
We want them to have the character and integrity
我们希望他们有个性 为人正直
to be able to take that in a way that doesn’t tip them over, doesn’t destroy their life.
能以不丧失理智 不毁掉生活的方式接受这一切
It actually strengthens them to deal with these kinds of things.
这实际上使他们足够强大以处理这类事情
So, let’s provide them with the tools to do that.
所以 让我们为他们提供这样做的工具
I think one of the primary ways we do this
我认为我们做到这一点的主要方法之一就是
is by encouraging and teaching empathy and compassion.
鼓励和教授他们拥有同理心和同情心
They’ll understand when some of the mean things happen.
当一些不好的事情发生时 他们会表示理解
That has an impact and an effect on them.
这对他们有用
Use that to help them understand how that impacts
利用这一点来帮助他们了解
other human beings on the planet.
同情心和同理心是如何影响地球上其他人的
As you teach them empathy,
当你教他们拥有同理心时
which is understanding and caring about how other people feel.
也就是教他们理解和关心别人的感受
And compassion which is where you have kindness
同情心是指你有一颗善良的心
and a willingness to serve and suffer for someone else.
愿意为别人服务 为别人受苦
Now, my third tip and a disclaimer.
现在 第三个窍门和一个免责声明
This is going to take some maturity on your part.
这需要你成熟一些
And that is to choose love.
那就是选择爱
It’s the easiest thing
当有人评判我们 批评我们
when somebody judges us or criticizes us
抱怨我们或我们的孩子时
or complains about us or our kids.
这是最容易的事情
It’s the easiest thing to
只是让熊妈妈出来
just let that mama bear come out *Roar*
咆哮着宣战
and just and take them on, right?
最简单不过了 对吗
Take them down if you can.
如果可以的话 不要这样
That probably is going to make things worse.
这可能会让事情变得更糟
Choose love even if and especially when other people are choosing hate.
选择爱 即使或特别是当别人选择恨的时候
The most powerful example I can think of this.
这是我能想到的最有力的例子
I got to meet Immaculée Ilibagiza a few years ago.
我几年前认识了Immaculee Ilibagiza
If he can even spell that name
如果能拼出那个名字
go look her up she wrote a book called “Left To Tell”, Immaculée Ilibagiza.
去查查她 她写了一本书叫《幸存者告白》Immaculee Ilibagiza
And as I met this powerful woman
当我遇到这个强大的女人的时候
who shares her story
她分享了
of being a young woman
她作为一个年轻女性
in Rwanda during the Holocaust, the genocide that was happening.
在卢旺达种族大屠杀中的故事
And she witnessed and experienced
她目睹并经历了挚友和家人
the murder of her dear friends and her family.
被谋杀的过程
Can you imagine what that would do inside of you?
你能想象这会对你的内心造成什么影响吗?
And it turned her up a bit.
这让她的情绪有点失控
She realized at some point that she had a choice to make.
她在某一时刻意识到她必须做出选择
She could hate the haters or she could choose love.
她可以选择恨那些讨厌她的人 也可以选择爱
That’s not an easy choice.
这不是一个简单的选择
But it’s an important choice.
但是一个重要的选择
Because if she chose to hate and seek retaliation and revenge,
因为如果她选择仇恨 伺机报复
then she’s likely to do things that would perpetuate centuries
那么她很有可能做一些让这两个部落间的
of warfare and hatred between these 2 tribes.
战争和仇恨持续数百年的事情
She knew and I think was inspired to know this,
她知道 我想她是受到了启发才知道
that the only legitimate option is to choose love
唯一合理的选择就是爱
especially when people are being hateful.
尤其是当人们充满仇恨的时候
Especially then.
尤其是那时
Because that’s the only way we’re going to stop the cycle.
因为这是我们停止恶性循环的唯一方法
Thank you for being the conscious parent that you are.
感谢你们成为清醒的父母
And for tolerating my rant just now.
感谢你能容忍我刚才的咆哮
You can tell that I get excited about this kind of stuff.
不难看出我对这类东西兴趣浓烈
If this resonates with you
如果这与你产生了共鸣
and you want to be part of our positive parenting community,
如果你想成为我们积极育儿社区的一员
your next step is to jump on a breakthrough call with one of our coaches.
你下一步可以与我们的一位教练进行一次突破性的通话
We have groups, we have programs,
我们有小组 有项目
we have courses available to you as a parent.
我们有课程供家长使用
Dr.PaulJenkins.com/breakthroughcall.
Dr.PaulJenkins.com/breakthroughcall

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当其他家长都在抱怨我的孩子时,怎么办呢?三个小窍门帮你解决!

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