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如何建立深厚的友谊

What to Do When All Your Friends Are Just "Casual" Friends

数天前我们学习了一些
A couple of days ago we went over some tips
关于如何结交新朋友的技巧
on how to meet new people and make new friends.
但是众所周知
But as everyone knows,
友谊是个复杂多面的概念
friendship is a complex and multifaceted concept.
友谊关系有深有浅
There isn’t just one level of friendship.
正如你有普通朋友 也会有铁党闺蜜
You have your casual acquaintances, but you also have your best friends.
如同图利和米格尔
Your Tulios and Miguels.
或者莱斯利和安
Your Leslies and Annes.
或者拉斯提与丹尼
Your Rustys and Dannys.
还有蝙蝠侠和……
Your Batmans and.……
蝙蝠侠单打独斗
Batman works alone.
好吧 他不算
Well, maybe not Batman.
但你应该理解了
But you get the point.
另外 在这提一下
Also,just saying here, have you ever seen Batman
你曾见过蝙蝠侠和我同框出镜吗?
and me in the same room at the same time?
总之 我确定你的想法和我一样
Anyway, I’m sure that you feel just as strongly as I do
坚定地认为那些关系浅的朋友
that having nothing but shallow surface level friendships
不能陪我们走过整个人生
is no way to go through life.
作为上次视频的后续
So as a follow up to that video,
今天我想谈谈如何增进
today I wanna talk about how to actually strengthen
你与现有的朋友之间的关系
the relationships with the friends that you already have.
如何让你们的友谊更深厚更有意义?
How do you make those connections deeper and more meaningful?
既然之前的视频中我们没讨论过此话题
And since we haven’t seen them in a couple of vedios
今天一起捋一捋吧
let’s queue those lamas.
投入时间
put in the time
现在先花几分钟讲一下
Now in just a few minutes we’re gon na talk about some actual tactics
可增进友谊的实用策略
for strengthening your relationships.
即能真正付诸于行动的策略
Things that you can actually do.
但在开始之前 我们要先聊聊
But before we get into those things we have to talk about
深厚友谊的基础是什么
what is the foundation for strong friendships.
就是时间
And that is time.
正如亚里士多德所说
As Aristotle once said,
“想成为朋友是一瞬间的念头”
“Wishing to be friends is quick work,
“但建立友谊是个缓慢发展的过程 ”
but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.”
这句话看起来浅显 但是背后蕴藏着大智慧
now this statement might seem obvious, but there is more than just common wisdom behind it
美国堪萨斯大学最近刚做过一项研究
There was actually a study done in the University of Kansas recently
调查了达到友谊的不同阶段分别需要花多久时间
shed some light on just how long it takes to move through the different stages of friendship.
根据收集到的反馈
From the responses they collected,
研究员发现从不太熟到普通朋友
researchers found out that it takes on average between 40 and 60 hours
平均需要40到60小时的交流
of interaction to go from mere acquaintances to casual friends.
要让别人把你当真正的朋友
To have somebody call you one of their actual friends
需要花80到100小时
it takes between 80 and 100 hours.
注意 这是一个平均数
And again, this is an average figure.
超过200个小时的交流才会成为密友
And over 200 hours before you’re considered close friends.
这也是为什么特别是忙碌的大学生和成年人
This is the biggest reason why busy college students and adults
认为要和认识不太久的人建立起深厚友谊很难
especially find it so difficult to build meaningful relationships with people who they haven’t already known for a long time.
我们都太忙了 是吧
We’re all just so busy, right?
我们的日程很满
We’ve all got packed schedules.
我们四处奔波 所以我们发现
We’re running all over the place and this is why we find it so hard
我们很难花足够的时间和别人相处
to spend any decent amount of time with any one person.
但我们还小的时候 情况完全不一样
And when we were kids, itwas a very different story.
我记得我小时候在街坊长大
I remember when I was a kid growing up in the neighborhood
夏天 我天天都会出门
I would go out every single day in the summer and I
我会敲遍社区里我朋友家的门
would knock on the doors of all my friends in the neighborhood
看谁有空和我玩
and see if they were available to play.
如果他们有空 那我每天大概会花
And if they were I wouldprobably end up spending between
6到8个小时和这些朋友玩
six to eight hours everysingle day with those friends.
就算读了高中 我除了去运动或者打工
And even when I was in high school, if I didn’t have sports practice or if I wasn’t working,
我都会去朋友家里
I would be going over to a friend’s house
几乎每天放学后都会去
almost every single day after school.
如果一个星期里
And over the course of a week,
我像这样有4到5个小时待在朋友家
if I’m doing that and I’m spending four to five hours there,
来吧 你来算算
well, you do the math.
所以在聊其他小技巧前 先记住
So before we get into the rest of the tips in this video, keep this in mind.
你必须让自己投入时间
You have to put in the time. Ask yourself,
问问自己 你在生活里有花多少时间
how closely does your daily experience right now
像高中时候的我一样交朋友?
match up to that story I just toldabout me in high school?
如果你完全没有那样投入时间
If it’s a very different story,
如果你行程满满事务繁忙
if you find that your schedule’s super packed with all kinds of stuff
你和想交的朋友见面的时间
and the only time you’re gon na see that one person you wan na be friends with
就只是类似下星期一起烧烤花个两小时
is like next weekend for a two hour barbecue
然后下次见面得等到十月份
and then not again until October,
那你们是不太可能成为好朋友的
well you’re not gonnabecome very good friends with that person.
所以 你要找机会去见他们
So you have to start makingtime to see these people
而且有规律地见面
and you have to do it on a regular basis.
那么 具体该怎么做呢
Now, how exactly do you do that?
这个嘛……
Well.
做个组局的人
Become the leader
当个领头人 组织活动
Yes. Be the organizer, be the leader.
这是本视频的第一个也是最重要的可行方法
This is my first and I thinkmost important actionable tip from this video.
你必须是牵头组局的人
You have to be the personthat puts things together.
可能你觉得这不公平
Now you might think that this is unfair.
你会觉得你在热脸贴冷屁股
You might think that you’rebuilding one-way friendships.
为什么不是对方主动呢?
Why aren’t they reaching out to me?
为什么不是他们组局呢?
Why aren’t they organizing events?
是这样的
Well,here’s the thing.
每个人都是这么想的 对吧
Everybody is thinking that, right?
每个人都这样想 “为什么朋友很久都不联系我”
Everyone’s like,”Whyhaven’t my friends reached out to me in a long time?”
“为什么他们不叫我出来玩”
“Why haven’t they invitedme to go do something cool?”
“为什么他们不请我玩直升机上的高空蹦极?”
“Why haven’t theyinvited me to bungee jump out of a helicopter?”
为什么威尔·史密斯可以在ins上那样做 我朋友们却不行
Will Smith’s doing that onInstagram but my friends aren’t.
事实就是 人的年纪越大
Well the thing is people,when they get older
越喜欢待在舒适圈里
they get into their comfort zone.
大家有自己的生活习惯
They get into their routines.
生活充满了各种琐事
They have all this kind of stuff going on in their life.
大家要工作 要应酬
They’ve got their job, they’vegot their relationships.
而这些都需要时间
All these demands on their time.
很多人由于满满的日程
And a lot of people, in response to
顾不上别的
that crazy schedule, don’t reach out.
不组织活动
Don’t organize.
也不行动
Don’t be the person who takes action.
所以你要去当牵头的人
So you have to be that person.
在油管 博客 还有其他“内容创作平台”流行一句话
There’s a saying that goes around in YouTube and blogging and” content creations spheres”
这句话是这么说的
that goes like this.
“只有5%的人是创造者”
“Only five percent of people are creators,
“其余的95%只是消费者”
the other 95 percent are simply consumers.”
我觉得这句话也适用于友谊和人际关系上
And I think that this applies to friendships and relationships as well.
只有5%的人是组局的人
Only five percent of people are the organizers.
只有5%的人会真的采取行动
Only five percent of the people are the action takers.
这一部分人会组好局
The people that will put something together.
另外95%的人呢
The other 95%?
他们更愿意做的是出现在聚会上
Well, they’re willing todo things, they’ll show up.
但是要告诉他们具体时间和地点
But they wanna be toldwhen and where to be.
所以如果你想花更多时间
So, if you wanna find more of your hours
与朋友进行有意义的互动
filled with meaningful interactions with people
来增进你们的友谊
that you’d like to be better friends with
那就当那个发出邀请的人吧
then be the person who sends out the invitations.
当组局的人
Be the person who organizes things.
让大家出来聚聚 不要抗拒组局
Let people show up and beokay with being the leader.
另外 好好想想选什么活动
Additionally,be very deliberate about the activities you choose.
对 因为你投入的时间很宝贵
Yes, the hours you put in is very important.
研究表明这可能是主要因素
It’s probably the main factoras that study showed.
但你选择花这些时间去做什么
But what you choose todo with those hours,
即花时间去做的事的质量也很重要
the quality of thosehours also matters a lot.
朋友不是简单多见见面就成朋友了
Friendship doesn’thappen simply by osmosis.
不同的见面活动差异可大了 比如说
And there’s a big differencebetween say,
你可以只是和朋友去看电影
having somebody come over just to watch a movie
两个人都盯着屏幕 完全没有交流
where you’re both staring at a screen, not talking to each other at all
也可以邀朋友一起爬山
and maybe inviting them to go climb a mountain together
身处大自然里 一直聊天
where you’re out in nature and you’re talking the entire time.
一对一见面
One-on-One interactions
好的 另外一件我觉得很重要 必须说明的是
All right, something else that I think is really important to talk about here
几个人一起玩和一对一见面有所不同
is the difference between group interactions and one-on-one interactions.
几个人一起玩似乎是常事儿
Group interactions seem to be the norm.
这很正常
And this makes sense.
大多数情况下 大家一起出来玩
A lot of times when invites are going out
都是一堆人一起玩
they’re going out to lists of people.
大家一起工作
They’re going out to work places.
一起去俱乐部 这样大家都会参加
They’re going out to clubsso everyone can show up.
并且这样会很好玩
And these can be a lot of fun.
这样的聚会大家会创造很多梗
A lot of inside jokes come out of them.
会有很多共同的经历
There’s a lot of shared experiences.
因为大家都在聊天
And there’s less pressureon you individually
所以你不会有很大的压力
to contribute to theconversation all the time
害怕对话冷场
since a lot of people are there.
但是几个人一起玩也会有个问题
But the problem with group interactions is that
就是和谁都没有机会进行深入的有意义的交流
there’s really no room for deep, meaningful conversations with any one person.
因为要让每个人都参与进来 你必须保证你安排的活动
Since everyone has to be included, you kinda have to make sure the activities you do choose
是每个人都了解的
and the topics of conversation are palatable to all involved.
而且如果你带更多的人进来
And as you add more people into the mix,
话题就会不可避免的更虚 更表面
things inevitably become more general and surface level.
就像我想深度解析一下Mars Volta的歌曲“Drunkship of Lanterns”
Like, if I wanna talk about say the deep lyrical meanings
其背后热情的摇滚精神
behind the Mars Volta song”Drunkship of Lanterns”
我可能可以和你聊
I can probably do it with you.
那个你 我说的就是你 艾希莉
And by you I mean you, Ashley.
但是 如果我想和每个人
But, if I wanna talk withevery single person
和现在在看这个视频的每个人聊天
watching this video right now in one big group,
可能讨论漫威电影都不太行
well we probably can’t even pick a Marvel movie
都会让很多人感到无聊透顶
to talk about without a lot of people getting bored.
事实上 除了刚刚这个假设的例子
And actually, aside fromthat hypothetical example,
我还有一个真实的案例
I do have a real story about this.
去年有一次我去吃日料
Last year I went to a sushidinner with
有六七个好朋友一起
probably six or seven of my friends,
包括我最好的朋友马丁
including my best friend Martin.
当时还有一个人 那时我还不太认识他
Now in that group of friends was another guy who I didn’t know super well
但是知道他在语言学领域做的很好
at the time but who was pretty into linguistics.
看过我之前视频的观众
And as any of you who listen to my podcasts know
应该都知道马丁也是一个对语言学很感兴趣的人
Martin is also very into linguistics.
于是在饭桌上他们俩就凑在一起
And at one point during the dinner
聊语言学聊得不亦乐乎
they got into this very deep linguistics conversation.
但是很显然 大约在半个小时之后
But it became apparentafter about 30 seconds
我们这些一起吃饭的人
that everyone else at the table had absolutely
完全不知道他们在谈论什么了
no idea what they were talking about.
又过了一会儿 气氛逐渐尴尬
And after a while, thatconversation became
因为除了他们俩 大家都变得很安静且插不上话
kind of awkward because everyone else kinda got quiet and really couldn’t contribute.
我记得事后和马丁聊天
And I remember talking with Martin afterwards and hearing him say that
他希望当时能跟那位朋友再多聊聊语言学的东西
he wished he could’ve had a longer conversation about linguistics with that guy.
但是他感觉到他差不多该停止他们俩的话题
But he said that he felt like he needed to kind of cut the conversation off
因为这个话题不适合放在聚会上聊
because it wasn’t relevant to the whole group.
所以 除开团体交流
So, in addition to your group interactions
和你的“极限飞盘”游戏还有“六人对战守望先锋”游戏
and your ultimate frisbee games and you 6v6 Overwatch matches,
请确保抽出时间来
make sure you’re also making time
单独和特别的人聊天
for one-on-one interactions with specific people.
这样对方会更愿意
This is where people are gonna open up
讲他们真正关心的事情
about the things they truly care about.
然后你们的聊天就会充满激情
And we’re gon na have conversations about the passions that you both share.
不像你在集体聊天的时候
And unlike with your group interactions
就我个人的经历来说 集体的话题通常
where in my experience theconversation usually
都是聊跟大家有关系的 分享各人的笑话
consists of memes and shared inside jokes
而且谈话流于表面不够深入
and surface level talk,
而你和某个人单独见面时 对方会更坦诚
when you hang out with somebody alone they tend to get more vulnerable.
会更容易敞开心扉
They tend to open up more.
所以 这些时间可以让友谊变得更深厚
So, these are the hours that are gonna lead to closer friendships developing.
乐于助人
Help out
有一点很重要 友谊不仅是一起吃喝玩乐
Now it’s important to know that friendship isn’t just about having fun together.
也不仅是出去逛街
It isn’t just about hanging out.
友谊是相互扶持
Friendship is about beingthere for the other person.
所以如果你想要建立亲密的关系
So if you wanna build closer friendships
请确保你支持对方
make sure that you are there for that person.
确保他困难的时候你能挺身而出
Make sure that you’re there to help out.
这不仅适用于情感交流
This applies in both an emotional capacity,
当一个人伤心时 另一个能够陪伴在旁安慰他
when somebody’s hurting be there to support them.
同时这也适用于其他的情景
But also in other capacities.
对 比如帮别人搬家
And yes, I’m talkingabout helping people move.
如果你的一个朋友在下周末要做大扫除
If one of your friends has some big chore to do next weekend
而你下周刚好有空
and you’re free that weekend
那为何不主动去帮忙他们一起打扫呢
then why not show up and help them out with that chore?
这样他们会非常感激你
They’re going to be greatly appreciative and you’re
同时你也会度过一个愉快的周末 即使是在干活
actually gonna enjoy the time even though it’s work
因为你是和你喜欢的人一起做
because you’re with somebody that you like.
虽然这个短视频是在讲如何建立深厚的友谊
And even though this is a video about building deeper friendships,
我想在这加一点
I do wanna add one more tip
对上周如何结交新朋友视频的补充说明
to last week’s video about making more friends.
如果你在上大学 你要搬进宿舍或是公寓
If you’re in college and if you’re moving into a dorm or an apartment
在你差不多整理完自己的东西以后
and you’re kinda done with all of your own stuff,
何不帮正在搬东西进来的舍友一把?
why not offer to help somebody else who’s moving in, Who’s gonna be your neighbor?
如果你手上正闲着
If you’ve got time on your hands,
那么做就会让你结交到一个新的小伙伴
do that and you’re probably gonna make yourself a new friend.
维持友谊
Maintain the relationship
最后 哪怕你不能常常和朋友聚聚
Lastly, even if you don’t get to see your friends in person all that often
你也不要让时间白白流失
don’t let a whole lot of time go by without
至少也要让他们知道你心里记挂着他们
at least letting them know thatyou’re thinking about them.
这并不需要你投入很多的精力
And this doesn’t actually haveto involve a lot of effort.
我的朋友马丁一直以来都是这么做的
My friend Martin doesthis all the time by,
虽然他净发些有的没的
as he puts it, textinghis friends nonsense.
有些时候表达的也只是字面上的意思
And sometimes this literally is nonsense.
我曾见过他发信息给我们的一个朋友 就发一个字“狗”
I have seen him text one ofour friends the word”dogs”.
真的就一个“狗”字 没别的
Just the word”dogs” and nothing else.
但是即使这样你的手机也会亮一下 对吧
But it’s still a littleblip on the radar, right?
它会突然出现在你朋友的手机里
It’s still you poppingup on your friends phone
让他知道 嘿 我正想你呢
and letting them know hey,I’m thinking about you.
我太想你了
I care about you enough to text
所以就发了个“狗”字
you the word”dogs”, I guess.
我没有只沉浸于自己的生活而忘了你
I’m not just going about mylife and forgetting about you.
在这过程中会让你们的友谊持续发酵
And this process is integral to maintaining your friendships.
如果你长时间不去看望你的朋友
If you don’t get to see people all the time,
如果你没办法每星期都和他们面对面聊天
if you don’t get to have those face-to-face interactions every single week,
至少不要让友谊之火熄灭
at least keep the fire going.
这样当你们再见面的时候
So when you do get to see people,
就不需要去回忆一大堆事来开始聊天
there isn’t a whole lot of catch up to do.
你可以直接从上次停住的话题继续讲下去
You can just sort of pick right up where you left off.
给大家举个我个人的例子 我的朋友安德鲁
To give you a personalexample, my friend Andrew
住在离我上千英里外的地方 因为我现在搬到了丹佛
lives about a thousand miles away from me now that I moved to Denver.
但是就算是这样 他每周至少会发一次信息给我
But even still, he probably texts me at least once a week
告诉我他工作上或者家里遇到的事情
just to tell me about things going on in his business or things going on back home.
有时候只是分享一个他发现的新的软件给我
Or just to share a new app that he’s discovered with me.
虽然说起来软件这事
Though with regards to that last one
因为我和他都是Mac达人
since he and I are both Mac geeks that constant daily of app recommendations
经常关注每日推送的软件真的会花我很多钱
can really put a hurting on my wallet.
不过Setapp这个软件却不会
Or at least it would if not for Setapp.
Setapp可让你随意下载
Setapp is a service thatgets you unlimited access
适用于Mac的120多种软件
to over 120 excellently designed Mac apps
却只需要很少的月会员费
for just one low monthly price.
他所提供的这些app 一般你都需要单独购买
These are apps that you normally have to buy
不论是在网络上或是在Mac软件商店
individually either online or in the Mac app store
大多数情况下都有app广告或需要购买
and a lot of times they have adds or in app purchases with them.
不过你在Steup下载的所有应用全部都是更新版的
But when you download the app from Setup you get the completely upgraded version.
无需购买或者观看广告
No in app purchases and no ads.
在他们的列表里 你会发现很多应用
In their catalog you’re gonna find apps for productivity,
内容涵盖了提高效率方法 写作和摄影技巧等
for writing, for photography and lots, lots more.
有一些应用我想推荐给大家
And a couple of the apps I wanna highlight here for you
比如Focus这个软件 我们之前有谈论过
include focus, which is an app that we’ve talked about on this channel
在你需要工作时 它能屏蔽分散注意力的网站和应用
before which blocks distracting websites and applications when you’re trying to get work done.
还有Rocket Typist 这个软件真的很厉害
And Rocket Typist, whichis a really cool app
我超喜欢它 对于那些你常用到的文字
that I love, which allowsyou to set different snippets
可以在该软件上保存
for texts that you type really often.
这样你就不用一次又一次地重复输入
So instead of having to type it over and over again
直接用键盘的快捷键Cmd
you can just press the keyboard Command
就可以粘贴到任何位置
to have it fill in wherever you want.
重复一遍 这些应用你都可以随意下载
Again,you can get unlimitedaccess to these apps
它们就在这个商店的列表里
and all the apps in their catalog
一个月只要支付10美金的订阅费
for just $ 10 a month with their subscription.
首次登入
To get started,
你可以获得7天的免费试用期
you can get a seven day completely free trial of their service.
7天内所有的应用全部免费下载
Unlimited access to everything for seven days absolutely free by going
视频下方有登入链接
and signing up at length inthe description down below.
在这我想给Setup一个大大的感谢
I wanna give a big thanks to Setup
感谢Setup对这个视频的赞助以及对我频道的支持
for sponsoring this video and being a supporter of this channel.
同样 谢谢大家的观看
And as always guys, thankyou so much for watching.
如果你喜欢这个视频 认为对你有帮助
If you enjoy this video and you found it informative
请给我们点赞
and useful maybe give it a like and
如果不想错过我们每周更新的最新视频
subscribe right there if you don’t wanna miss new videos
请订阅本频道
when they come out every single week.
点击左上角
You can also get a free copy of my book
可免费获得我的书《如何提高成绩》
on how to earn better grades right over here.
关注我的Ins帐号@tomfrankly
Follow me on Instagram @tomfrankly
点击视频下方继续观看下一个视频
or check out one more video on this channel right over here.
谢谢观看
Thanks so much for watching
如果你没看过本系列的第一部 “如何交新朋友”
and if you missed the first video in the series on how to make new friends
点击视频下方
that’ll be in the description down below
就可以观看
so check that out as well,
下周同一时间见
Otherwise I will see you in the next one

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视频概述

每天专注于工作的你是否想起好像很久没跟朋友联系了?你们的友谊还好吗?本视频教你如何与长久不联系的朋友仍保持老铁的关系

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

肉肉想吃肉

审核员

审核员YZ

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiF8drvonf8

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