A couple of days ago we went over some tips
on how to meet new people and make new friends.
But as everyone knows,
friendship is a complex and multifaceted concept.
There isn’t just one level of friendship.
You have your casual acquaintances, but you also have your best friends.
Your Tulios and Miguels.
Your Leslies and Annes.
Your Rustys and Dannys.
Your Batmans and.……
Batman works alone.
Well, maybe not Batman.
But you get the point.
Also，just saying here, have you ever seen Batman
and me in the same room at the same time?
Anyway, I’m sure that you feel just as strongly as I do
that having nothing but shallow surface level friendships
is no way to go through life.
So as a follow up to that video,
today I wanna talk about how to actually strengthen
the relationships with the friends that you already have.
How do you make those connections deeper and more meaningful?
And since we haven’t seen them in a couple of vedios
let’s queue those lamas.
put in the time
Now in just a few minutes we’re gon na talk about some actual tactics
for strengthening your relationships.
Things that you can actually do.
But before we get into those things we have to talk about
what is the foundation for strong friendships.
And that is time.
As Aristotle once said,
“Wishing to be friends is quick work,
but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.”
now this statement might seem obvious, but there is more than just common wisdom behind it
There was actually a study done in the University of Kansas recently
shed some light on just how long it takes to move through the different stages of friendship.
From the responses they collected,
researchers found out that it takes on average between 40 and 60 hours
of interaction to go from mere acquaintances to casual friends.
To have somebody call you one of their actual friends
it takes between 80 and 100 hours.
And again, this is an average figure.
And over 200 hours before you’re considered close friends.
This is the biggest reason why busy college students and adults
especially find it so difficult to build meaningful relationships with people who they haven’t already known for a long time.
We’re all just so busy, right?
We’ve all got packed schedules.
We’re running all over the place and this is why we find it so hard
to spend any decent amount of time with any one person.
And when we were kids, itwas a very different story.
I remember when I was a kid growing up in the neighborhood
I would go out every single day in the summer and I
would knock on the doors of all my friends in the neighborhood
and see if they were available to play.
And if they were I wouldprobably end up spending between
six to eight hours everysingle day with those friends.
And even when I was in high school, if I didn’t have sports practice or if I wasn’t working,
I would be going over to a friend’s house
almost every single day after school.
And over the course of a week,
if I’m doing that and I’m spending four to five hours there,
well, you do the math.
So before we get into the rest of the tips in this video, keep this in mind.
You have to put in the time. Ask yourself,
how closely does your daily experience right now
match up to that story I just toldabout me in high school?
If it’s a very different story,
if you find that your schedule’s super packed with all kinds of stuff
and the only time you’re gon na see that one person you wan na be friends with
is like next weekend for a two hour barbecue
and then not again until October,
well you’re not gonnabecome very good friends with that person.
So you have to start makingtime to see these people
and you have to do it on a regular basis.
Now, how exactly do you do that?
Become the leader
Yes. Be the organizer, be the leader.
This is my first and I thinkmost important actionable tip from this video.
You have to be the personthat puts things together.
Now you might think that this is unfair.
You might think that you’rebuilding one-way friendships.
Why aren’t they reaching out to me?
Why aren’t they organizing events?
Well,here’s the thing.
Everybody is thinking that, right?
Everyone’s like,”Whyhaven’t my friends reached out to me in a long time?”
“Why haven’t they invitedme to go do something cool?”
“Why haven’t theyinvited me to bungee jump out of a helicopter?”
Will Smith’s doing that onInstagram but my friends aren’t.
Well the thing is people,when they get older
they get into their comfort zone.
They get into their routines.
They have all this kind of stuff going on in their life.
They’ve got their job, they’vegot their relationships.
All these demands on their time.
And a lot of people, in response to
that crazy schedule, don’t reach out.
Don’t be the person who takes action.
So you have to be that person.
在油管 博客 还有其他“内容创作平台”流行一句话
There’s a saying that goes around in YouTube and blogging and” content creations spheres”
that goes like this.
“Only five percent of people are creators,
the other 95 percent are simply consumers.”
And I think that this applies to friendships and relationships as well.
Only five percent of people are the organizers.
Only five percent of the people are the action takers.
The people that will put something together.
The other 95%?
Well, they’re willing todo things, they’ll show up.
But they wanna be toldwhen and where to be.
So, if you wanna find more of your hours
filled with meaningful interactions with people
that you’d like to be better friends with
then be the person who sends out the invitations.
Be the person who organizes things.
Let people show up and beokay with being the leader.
Additionally,be very deliberate about the activities you choose.
Yes, the hours you put in is very important.
It’s probably the main factoras that study showed.
But what you choose todo with those hours,
the quality of thosehours also matters a lot.
Friendship doesn’thappen simply by osmosis.
And there’s a big differencebetween say,
having somebody come over just to watch a movie
where you’re both staring at a screen, not talking to each other at all
and maybe inviting them to go climb a mountain together
where you’re out in nature and you’re talking the entire time.
好的 另外一件我觉得很重要 必须说明的是
All right, something else that I think is really important to talk about here
is the difference between group interactions and one-on-one interactions.
Group interactions seem to be the norm.
And this makes sense.
A lot of times when invites are going out
they’re going out to lists of people.
They’re going out to work places.
They’re going out to clubsso everyone can show up.
And these can be a lot of fun.
A lot of inside jokes come out of them.
There’s a lot of shared experiences.
And there’s less pressureon you individually
to contribute to theconversation all the time
since a lot of people are there.
But the problem with group interactions is that
there’s really no room for deep, meaningful conversations with any one person.
Since everyone has to be included, you kinda have to make sure the activities you do choose
and the topics of conversation are palatable to all involved.
And as you add more people into the mix,
things inevitably become more general and surface level.
就像我想深度解析一下Mars Volta的歌曲“Drunkship of Lanterns”
Like, if I wanna talk about say the deep lyrical meanings
behind the Mars Volta song”Drunkship of Lanterns”
I can probably do it with you.
那个你 我说的就是你 艾希莉
And by you I mean you, Ashley.
But, if I wanna talk withevery single person
watching this video right now in one big group,
well we probably can’t even pick a Marvel movie
to talk about without a lot of people getting bored.
And actually, aside fromthat hypothetical example,
I do have a real story about this.
Last year I went to a sushidinner with
probably six or seven of my friends,
including my best friend Martin.
Now in that group of friends was another guy who I didn’t know super well
at the time but who was pretty into linguistics.
And as any of you who listen to my podcasts know
Martin is also very into linguistics.
And at one point during the dinner
they got into this very deep linguistics conversation.
But it became apparentafter about 30 seconds
that everyone else at the table had absolutely
no idea what they were talking about.
And after a while, thatconversation became
kind of awkward because everyone else kinda got quiet and really couldn’t contribute.
And I remember talking with Martin afterwards and hearing him say that
he wished he could’ve had a longer conversation about linguistics with that guy.
But he said that he felt like he needed to kind of cut the conversation off
because it wasn’t relevant to the whole group.
So, in addition to your group interactions
and your ultimate frisbee games and you 6v6 Overwatch matches,
make sure you’re also making time
for one-on-one interactions with specific people.
This is where people are gonna open up
about the things they truly care about.
And we’re gon na have conversations about the passions that you both share.
And unlike with your group interactions
where in my experience theconversation usually
consists of memes and shared inside jokes
and surface level talk,
when you hang out with somebody alone they tend to get more vulnerable.
They tend to open up more.
So, these are the hours that are gonna lead to closer friendships developing.
Now it’s important to know that friendship isn’t just about having fun together.
It isn’t just about hanging out.
Friendship is about beingthere for the other person.
So if you wanna build closer friendships
make sure that you are there for that person.
Make sure that you’re there to help out.
This applies in both an emotional capacity,
when somebody’s hurting be there to support them.
But also in other capacities.
And yes, I’m talkingabout helping people move.
If one of your friends has some big chore to do next weekend
and you’re free that weekend
then why not show up and help them out with that chore?
They’re going to be greatly appreciative and you’re
actually gonna enjoy the time even though it’s work
because you’re with somebody that you like.
And even though this is a video about building deeper friendships,
I do wanna add one more tip
to last week’s video about making more friends.
If you’re in college and if you’re moving into a dorm or an apartment
and you’re kinda done with all of your own stuff,
why not offer to help somebody else who’s moving in, Who’s gonna be your neighbor?
If you’ve got time on your hands,
do that and you’re probably gonna make yourself a new friend.
Maintain the relationship
Lastly, even if you don’t get to see your friends in person all that often
don’t let a whole lot of time go by without
at least letting them know thatyou’re thinking about them.
And this doesn’t actually haveto involve a lot of effort.
My friend Martin doesthis all the time by,
as he puts it, textinghis friends nonsense.
And sometimes this literally is nonsense.
I have seen him text one ofour friends the word”dogs”.
Just the word”dogs” and nothing else.
But it’s still a littleblip on the radar, right?
It’s still you poppingup on your friends phone
让他知道 嘿 我正想你呢
and letting them know hey,I’m thinking about you.
I care about you enough to text
you the word”dogs”, I guess.
I’m not just going about mylife and forgetting about you.
And this process is integral to maintaining your friendships.
If you don’t get to see people all the time,
if you don’t get to have those face-to-face interactions every single week,
at least keep the fire going.
So when you do get to see people,
there isn’t a whole lot of catch up to do.
You can just sort of pick right up where you left off.
To give you a personalexample, my friend Andrew
lives about a thousand miles away from me now that I moved to Denver.
But even still, he probably texts me at least once a week
just to tell me about things going on in his business or things going on back home.
Or just to share a new app that he’s discovered with me.
Though with regards to that last one
since he and I are both Mac geeks that constant daily of app recommendations
can really put a hurting on my wallet.
Or at least it would if not for Setapp.
Setapp is a service thatgets you unlimited access
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These are apps that you normally have to buy
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In their catalog you’re gonna find apps for productivity,
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And a couple of the apps I wanna highlight here for you
include focus, which is an app that we’ve talked about on this channel
before which blocks distracting websites and applications when you’re trying to get work done.
还有Rocket Typist 这个软件真的很厉害
And Rocket Typist, whichis a really cool app
that I love, which allowsyou to set different snippets
for texts that you type really often.
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you can just press the keyboard Command
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I wanna give a big thanks to Setup
for sponsoring this video and being a supporter of this channel.
And as always guys, thankyou so much for watching.
If you enjoy this video and you found it informative
and useful maybe give it a like and
subscribe right there if you don’t wanna miss new videos
when they come out every single week.
You can also get a free copy of my book
on how to earn better grades right over here.
Follow me on Instagram @tomfrankly
or check out one more video on this channel right over here.
Thanks so much for watching
and if you missed the first video in the series on how to make new friends
that’ll be in the description down below
so check that out as well,
Otherwise I will see you in the next one