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结婚誓约2.0

What our Wedding Vows should Say

我们对待婚姻的态度有些不切实际
We know that we’ve got some slightly… unworkable attitudes to marriage–
离婚率是最好的说明
the divorce rate says it all,
问题的根源在于我们总是期望过高
and that the problem lies around many of our excessive expectations.
想要避免这些 先从我们的婚姻誓约谈起吧
To try to counter these, there could be no better place to start than with our marriage vows:
就是那个第一次在众人前面宣誓 我们想要一辈子在一起的时刻
moments when we first declare before an audience the ideals that we would like to live by over a lifetime.
为了让大家更理智更现实地看待婚姻
In the interest of a saner, more realistic and more practical attitude to marriage,
这里有新一代的婚姻誓约提供给各位作参考
here are some suggestions for new kinds of marriage vows.
我们应该大方地承认我们结婚的对象并不完美
We should good-naturedly admit that the person we’re marrying is very far from perfect,
还可以将他们令人恼火的 难以相处的 有时甚至无理取闹的地方一一道来
and articulate all the ways in which they will prove irritating, difficult, sometimes irrational,
而且他们常常无法站在我们的角度去思考和理解我们
and often unable to sympathize or understand us.
然而 重要的是我们要理解这些缺点是无法避免的
However, it’s vital that we should interpret these flaws as unavoidable;
人无完人 金无足赤
no one else would be better, and we are as bad.
人类就是一个不完美的物种
We are simply a very flawed species.
我们必须要打消认为换一个伴侣婚姻就会美满的念头
We must conclusively kill the idea that things would be ideal if any other creature on the planet.
通向相互宽容的婚姻的唯一道路就是接受一段还不错而非完美的婚姻
The only route to a tolerable marriage is to accept that there can only ever be a “good enough” marriage.
当体验到有一个人与众不同的 无条件支持的方式来理解我们时 这一刻爱情来了
Love starts with the experience of being understood in a deeply supportive and uncommon way.
他们理解你内心的孤独
They understand the lonely parts of you;
你无需向对方解释某个笑话的笑点 你们讨厌同一类人
you don’t have to explain why you find a particular joke so funny, you hate the same people,
你们都想尝试某种特别的性体验
they too want to try out a particular sexual scenario.
然而美好的时光总是短暂的
This won’t continue.
当我们没有尽自己的努力为伴侣解释自己内心的想法时 不应该责怪伴侣
We shouldn’t blame our lovers for our dereliction of duty in failing to interpret and grasp our internal workings.
他们只是无法理解我们过去的经历和曾经的需要 而这很正常
They simply couldn’t understand who we were and what we needed, which is wholly normal.
没有人能准确读懂其他人并且能完全与他人产生共鸣
No one properly understands, and can therefore fully sympathize with anyone else.
一个人的成熟基于能主动察觉到自己的荒谬
Maturity is founded on an active sense of one’s folly.
自己的长期失控
One’s out of control for long periods,
自己没能掌控过去
one’s failed to master one’s past,
自己的长期焦虑
one’s permanently anxious,
温和点说 当我们察觉到自己就是个笨蛋时 我们成熟了
one is, to put it mildly, an idiot.
如果我们没有因为自己是谁而经常感到极其尴尬的话
If we aren’t regularly and very deeply embarrassed about who we are,
那就说明我们是选择性记忆 而这种能力是危险的
it can only be because we have a dangerous capacity for selective memory.
刚来到这个世界时 我们知道的一切皆关于被爱
We start out knowing only about being loved–
以孩子的方式去感知
the way we were as a child.
成年后我们渴望得到童年般被照料和被纵容的感觉所带来的快乐
We want a recreation in adulthood of what it felt like to be ministered to and indulged.
在内心的秘密角落 我们幻想那么一个人人会懂得我们的需要 给予我们想要的东西
In a secret part of our minds, we picture someone who will understand our needs, bring us what we want,
这个人极其耐心 与我们有心有灵犀 让一切变得更美好
be immensely patient and sympathetic to us, and make it all better.
这样的想法实在是太可怕了
This is, naturally, a disaster.
要想好好经营一段婚姻 我们要从孩子转变成父母的角色
For a marriage to work, we need to move firmly out of the child and into the parental position.
我们要愿意把自己的需求和顾虑
We need to become someone who will be willing to subordinate their own demands and concerns
置于他人的需要之后
to the needs of another.
浪漫的人本能地认为婚姻只关乎情感
The romantic person instinctively sees marriage in terms of emotions,
然而真正能相守一辈子的伴侣的相处方式
but what a couple actually get up to over a lifetime
跟经营一家小公司反而有更多的相似之处
has much more in common with the workings of a small business.
他们必须要为清洁 出行 做饭 物品修理 矛盾调解和预算等制定排班表
They must draw up work rosters– clean, chauffeur, cook, fix, reconcile, and budget.
以上这些琐事与现今社会的各种精彩活动相比 可以说毫无吸引力
None of these activities have any glamour whatsoever within the current arrangement of society.
但是 这些生活琐事却恰恰是促进和维护爱情的真谛
And yet, these tasks are what is truly romantic in a sense of conducive and sustaining of love
并且应该说这是一段成功婚姻的基石
and should be interpreted as the bedrock of successful marriage.
浪漫的观点认为爱和性是不可分离的
The romantic view expects that love and sex will be aligned,
但事实是 这样的激情只会持续几个月 或者最多一两年
but in truth, they won’t stay so beyond a few months, or a best, one or two years.
而这并不是任何人的错
This isn’t anyone’s fault.
因为婚姻还有其他的重心 比如陪伴 家庭管理 养儿育女
Because marriage has other key concerns like companionship, administration, another generation,
这些都会使性爱受到影响
sex will suffer.
当我们可以很大程度上接受在性爱方面有所妥协并能升华彼此的感情时 说明我们做好了步入婚姻的准备
We’re ready to get married when we accept large degree of sexual resignation and the task of sublimation.
浪漫的婚姻观强调“对的人”
The romantic view of marriage stresses that the “right person”
意味着这个人的品味 爱好以及人生观和我们一样
means someone who shares our tastes, interests, and attitudes to life,
但是随着时光流逝 差异和分歧不可避免地逐一浮现
but over an extended period of time, differences inevitably emerge.
能容忍这些差异的才是那个真正“对的人”
It’s the capacity to tolerate difference that is the true marker of the “right person.”
相容是一种爱的成就
Compatibility is an achievement of love;
而不应该成为爱的前提条件
it shouldn’t be its precondition.
当然 这些婚姻誓约挺阴暗的
These vows are, of course, pretty dark.
但这并不意味着这些誓约是反对婚姻的——相反,
This doesn’t mean that they are against marriage– far from it.
这些誓约要表达的是经营婚姻的最好方法
They simply believe that the best way to make a marriage work
是得当地面对婚姻结合所带来的各种艰难挑战
is to be properly alive to the enormous challenges that a union presents,
以及准备好接受一些现实理念
and to be ready with some realistic philosophies that are ultimately far more romantic
它们比那些传统 耳熟能详的 宿命论的乐观主义更加浪漫
than the more traditional, familiar, and fateful optimism.

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视频概述

我们都应该了解的新一代婚姻誓约 美满婚姻的助攻

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

米丁

审核员

霜霜

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qb0LIvuyaOU

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