One of the greatest questionnaires in the history of 20th-century psychology
had a modest start in the pages of a local Colorado newspaper
The Rocky Mountain News in July 1985.
The work of two University
of Denver psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver,
the questionnaire asked readers to identify
which of three statements most closely reflected who they were in love.
To hugely improve our chances of thriving in relationships,
we should dare to take the same test
A:I find it relatively easy to get close to others
and I’m comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me.
I don’t worry about being abandoned
or about someone getting too close to me.
B: I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like.
I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me
or won’t want to stay with me.
I want to get very close to my partner,
and this sometimes scares people away.
C:I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others,
I find it difficult to trust them completely,
difficult to allow myself to depend on them.
I am nervous when anyone gets too close,
and often, others want me to be more intimate
than I feel comfortable being.
哪个选项更接近你的状态呢 A B或者C
Which of these options applys to you A, B,or C.
Behind the scenes,
the options refer to the three main styles of relating to other people
first identified by the English psychologist John Bowlby,
the inventor of Attachment Theory in the 1950s and 60s.
Option A signals what is known
as a secure pattern of attachment,
whereby love and trust come easily.
Option B refers to what’s known as the anxious pattern of attachment,
where one longs to be intimate with others
but is continuously scared of letdown
and often precipitates crises in relationships
through counter-productively aggressive behaviour
Option C is what’s konwn as the avoidant pattern of attachment,
where it feels much easier to avoid the dangers of intimacy
through solitary activities and emotional withdrawal.
Questionnaires in newspapers are rarely of much use
but Hazan’s and Shaver’s is the momentous exception.
If there is one thing we should do to improve our relationships,
it is to know head of time which of the three categories
we predominantly belong to A, B, or C,
and to deploy the knowledge in love so as to warn ourselves and others
of the traps we might fall into.
We then need a little training
because half of us at least are not secure in love.
We belong in the camps of either the avoidant or the anxious,
and we have to complicate matters
and above average propensity
to fall in love with someone from the other damaged side,
thereby aggravating our insecurities
and defences in the process.
Here is a brief list of what avoidants and anxious types
should keep in mind in their relationships
If you are avoidant with someone anxious attached
Well, recognise the extent to which you check out emotionally
when things are intense,
particularly when there is an offer of closeness.
Recognise, how you will tend to prefer sex and closeness with strangers
and how nervous you will be around cuddles and kissing.
You probably don’t want the light on either.
Watch are you sabotage long term intimacy.
Have compassion that you are afraid of what you really want.
Think back to how in your past,
closeness would have been frightening because people let you down,
and observe how you adopted a strategy of removal to protect yourself.
You are hurt, not bad.
Remind yourself that the present is different from the past
and you are
ruining the present by bring to it filling dynamics
that don’t actually belong there.
It may feel like your partner is being aggressive
and ill-tempered with you for no reason,
They are at heart upset
and unable to express their needs in any other way.
They want you; and
that is why they are behaving as they are.
Look beneath their nagging and their accusations
and believe in their underlying goodwill.
When they attack you, see their longing for love.
Do that very frightening thing: extendreassurance.
And explain calmly,
the appeal of the cave.
If you are an anxious person with avoidant partner,
Here are the other things to bear in mind
Things are not necessarily as bad as they seem.
The other person’s quiet might just be quiet, not a lack of love.
isn’t necessarily meanness, it’s their way of maintaining equilibrium.
On the other hand, you are not demented or ‘needy’
to want more;
but your way of dealing with what you legitimate need
may be aggravating things hugely,
you might be triggering your partner by asking for intimacy too directly
and also probably with too much anger.
Realise that you need to tread lightly,
and be a little adistant in requesting closeness.
The partner isn’t mean or freakish, merely damaged
as are you. And that’s very normal.
A full 40% of the population are in your positions
either insecurely attached or anxiously attached
Knowing whether we can be classed as secure,
avoidant or anxious in love
should be a basic fact we grasp about ourselves.
The next step is to accept with grace
that if we are either avoidant or anxious
we are going to need considerable emotional schooling
to get out of scratchy patterns
and stand a chance of building up a good enough relationship.
Our Relationships Book
calmly guides us with calm and charm
through the key issues of relationships.
To ensure that success in love need not be a matter of luck.
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