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你是哪一种依恋的类型呢?

What Is Your Attachment Style?

One of the greatest questionnaires in the history of 20th-century psychology
20世纪心理学史上最伟大的调查问卷之一
had a modest start in the pages of a local Colorado newspaper
始于科罗拉多当地一家报纸 即1985年7月份的
The Rocky Mountain News in July 1985.
“落基山新闻报” 这家报纸用极小的版面
The work of two University
刊登了丹佛大学心理学家
of Denver psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver,
辛迪·哈森和菲利普·谢弗的研究成果
the questionnaire asked readers to identify
这份问卷要求读者去判断
which of three statements most closely reflected who they were in love.
三个选项中哪一个最能反映他们在恋爱中的状态
To hugely improve our chances of thriving in relationships,
为了大大提高我们在恋爱关系中成长的机会
we should dare to take the same test
我们要敢于做这种测试
A:I find it relatively easy to get close to others
选项A:我发现和别人亲近很容易
and I’m comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me.
依赖别人和被别人依赖让我感觉舒服
I don’t worry about being abandoned
我不担心被他人抛弃
or about someone getting too close to me.
或是对方过度亲近我
B: I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like.
选项B:我发现他人并不愿意像我亲近他们那样亲近我
I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me
我总是担心我的恋人不是真的爱我
or won’t want to stay with me.
或是不想和我在一起
I want to get very close to my partner,
我想和我的恋人更加地亲密
and this sometimes scares people away.
但这个想法有时候反而吓跑对方
C:I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others,
选项C:对于亲近他人 我感到有点不舒服
I find it difficult to trust them completely,
我发现要完全相信他人很难
difficult to allow myself to depend on them.
让自己依赖他人也很难
I am nervous when anyone gets too close,
一旦别人太过亲近我 我就会紧张
and often, others want me to be more intimate
但是人们总是希望我更亲密一点
than I feel comfortable being.
而这种亲密使我不舒服
Which of these options applys to you A, B,or C.
哪个选项更接近你的状态呢 A B或者C
Behind the scenes,
这些选项
the options refer to the three main styles of relating to other people
代表了三种典型的与他人交往的风格
first identified by the English psychologist John Bowlby,
该说法由英国的心理学家约翰·鲍尔比 依恋理论的创始人
the inventor of Attachment Theory in the 1950s and 60s.
于1950年到1960年期间提出
Option A signals what is known
选项A
as a secure pattern of attachment,
是经典的安全型依恋模式
whereby love and trust come easily.
该模式下的人可轻易获得爱与信任
Option B refers to what’s known as the anxious pattern of attachment,
选项B是经典的焦虑型依恋模式
where one longs to be intimate with others
该模式下的人渴望与他人亲近
but is continuously scared of letdown
但却一直害怕失望
and often precipitates crises in relationships
常常通过事与愿违的攻击性行为
through counter-productively aggressive behaviour
而陷入关系危机
Option C is what’s konwn as the avoidant pattern of attachment,
选项C是经典的回避型依恋模式
where it feels much easier to avoid the dangers of intimacy
该模式下的人认为通过独自行动和情感退缩
through solitary activities and emotional withdrawal.
更容易保护自己不受到亲密关系的伤害
Questionnaires in newspapers are rarely of much use
一般情况下报纸上的问卷极少有大用处
but Hazan’s and Shaver’s is the momentous exception.
但汉森和沙沃的问卷却是一个明显的例外
If there is one thing we should do to improve our relationships,
如果我们应该做一件事来改善我们的亲密关系
it is to know head of time which of the three categories
那就是提前了解我们属于三种类型中的哪一种
we predominantly belong to A, B, or C,
是类型A 类型B还是类型C
and to deploy the knowledge in love so as to warn ourselves and others
为了警醒我们自己和他人可能陷入的误区
of the traps we might fall into.
我们需要在恋爱中运用这种知识
We then need a little training
我们还需要一些训练
because half of us at least are not secure in love.
因为我们至少有一半人在恋爱中缺乏安全感
We belong in the camps of either the avoidant or the anxious,
我们要么属于回避型 要么属于焦虑型
and we have to complicate matters
我们总是把事情复杂化
and above average propensity
并且有超过平均水平的倾向
to fall in love with someone from the other damaged side,
去爱上另一种不安全类型的人
thereby aggravating our insecurities
因此这加剧了我们的不安
and defences in the process.
并在恋爱中自我防御
Here is a brief list of what avoidants and anxious types
以下有一份简要列表 列出了回避型和焦虑型
should keep in mind in their relationships
在恋爱关系中应该记住的事情
If you are avoidant with someone anxious attached
如果回避型的你和焦虑型的某个人相恋了
Well, recognise the extent to which you check out emotionally
当关系变得亲密时 尤其是
when things are intense,
当恋人提议亲密时
particularly when there is an offer of closeness.
你要认识到自己情感投入的程度
Recognise, how you will tend to prefer sex and closeness with strangers
要认识到你倾向于如何与陌生人发生关系
and how nervous you will be around cuddles and kissing.
当拥抱和亲吻时 你会多紧张
You probably don’t want the light on either.
你可能还喜欢在亲密时关灯
Watch are you sabotage long term intimacy.
观察自己是否在破坏长期亲密关系
Have compassion that you are afraid of what you really want.
同情自己不敢表达真正的需要
Think back to how in your past,
回顾下你的过去
closeness would have been frightening because people let you down,
当人们让你失望时 你是怎样恐惧亲密的
and observe how you adopted a strategy of removal to protect yourself.
观察你是怎样采取删除策略保护自己的
You are hurt, not bad.
你受伤了 但是不算太糟
Remind yourself that the present is different from the past
提醒自己 现在与过去是不同的
and you are
你正在
ruining the present by bring to it filling dynamics
通过延续过去沉甸甸的恐惧
that don’t actually belong there.
摧毁现在的生活
It may feel like your partner is being aggressive
这会让你感觉恋人有攻击性
and ill-tempered with you for no reason,
无缘由地对你发脾气
They are at heart upset
他们内心沮丧
and unable to express their needs in any other way.
没有任何其他方式能够表达他们的需求
They want you; and
他们想要亲密
that is why they are behaving as they are.
所以他们表现出那样的行为
Look beneath their nagging and their accusations
看看他们挑剔和谴责的表象之下
and believe in their underlying goodwill.
相信他们潜在的善意
When they attack you, see their longing for love.
当他们攻击你时 观察他们对爱的渴望
Do that very frightening thing: extend reassurance.
做那件令你恐惧的事:给予安心
And explain calmly,
冷静地解释
the appeal of the cave.
对方对你的吸引力
If you are an anxious person with avoidant partner,
如果焦虑型的你和回避型的伴侣在一起了
Here are the other things to bear in mind
我们需要牢记另外一些事
Things are not necessarily as bad as they seem.
事情没有像他人所看到的那样糟糕
The other person’s quiet might just be quiet, not a lack of love.
恋人的安静只是不爱说话 不是不爱你
The distance
二者之前的距离
isn’t necessarily meanness, it’s their way of maintaining equilibrium.
并不远 那是他们保持平衡的方式
On the other hand, you are not demented or ‘needy’
而你不能疯狂或者贪婪地
to want more;
想要更多
but your way of dealing with what you legitimate need
但你表达你合理需要的方式
may be aggravating things hugely,
可能会使关系恶化
you might be triggering your partner by asking for intimacy too directly
因为太直接地要求亲密
and also probably with too much anger.
你可能会激怒你的恋人
Realise that you need to tread lightly,
你需轻轻试探
and be a little adistant in requesting closeness.
在要求亲密时留有余地
The partner isn’t mean or freakish, merely damaged
你的恋人并不卑鄙或奇怪 仅仅是受过伤害
as are you. And that’s very normal.
你也是如此 这也是非常正常的
A full 40% of the population are in your positions
足有40%人口和你一样
either insecurely attached or anxiously attached
属于不安全型或焦虑型依恋
Knowing whether we can be classed as secure,
了解我们在恋爱中是安全型
avoidant or anxious in love
回避型还是焦虑型
should be a basic fact we grasp about ourselves.
应该是我们对自己的一个基本认识
The next step is to accept with grace
下一步是平和地接受
that if we are either avoidant or anxious
如果我们是回避型和焦虑型的二者之一
we are going to need considerable emotional schooling
我们需要相当多的情感训练
to get out of scratchy patterns
去摆脱草率模式
and stand a chance of building up a good enough relationship.
那样我们很有可能建立良好恋爱关系
Our Relationships Book
我们出版的《Relationships》
calmly guides us with calm and charm
通过列举恋爱关系中的关键问题
through the key issues of relationships.
指导我们在恋爱中更冷静睿智
To ensure that success in love need not be a matter of luck.
确保恋爱的成功靠的不只是运气
For more click the link now.
点击链接可以了解更多哦

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视频概述

测一下你在恋爱关系中是什么类型,安全型、忧虑型还是逃避型?这将有助于你在亲密关系中避免掉入一些误区

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

莩花花

审核员

审核员YZ

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2s9ACDMcpjA

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