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你是什么恋爱类型呢? – 译学馆
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你是什么恋爱类型呢?

What Is Your Attachment Style?

20世纪心理学史上最伟大的调查问卷之一
One of the greatest questionnaires in the history of 20th-century psychology
始于科罗拉多当地一家报纸 即1985年7月份的
had a modest start in the pages of a local Colorado newspaper
“落基山新闻报” 这家报纸用极小的版面
The Rocky Mountain News in July 1985.
刊登了丹佛大学心理学家
The work of two University
辛迪·哈森和菲利普·谢弗的研究成果
of Denver psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver,
这份问卷要求读者去判断
the questionnaire asked readers to identify
三个选项中哪一个最能反映他们在恋爱中的状态
which of three statements most closely reflected who they were in love.
为了大大提高我们在恋爱关系中成长的机会
To hugely improve our chances of thriving in relationships,
我们要敢于做这种测试
we should dare to take the same test
选项A:我发现和别人亲近很容易
A:I find it relatively easy to get close to others
依赖别人和被别人依赖让我感觉舒服
and I’m comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me.
我不担心被他人抛弃
I don’t worry about being abandoned
或是对方过度亲近我
or about someone getting too close to me.
选项B:我发现他人并不愿意像我亲近他们那样亲近我
B: I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like.
我总是担心我的恋人不是真的爱我
I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me
或是不想和我在一起
or won’t want to stay with me.
我想和我的恋人更加地亲密
I want to get very close to my partner,
但这个想法有时候反而吓跑对方
and this sometimes scares people away.
选项C:对于亲近他人 我感到有点不舒服
C:I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others,
我发现要完全相信他人很难
I find it difficult to trust them completely,
让自己依赖他人也很难
difficult to allow myself to depend on them.
一旦别人太过亲近我 我就会紧张
I am nervous when anyone gets too close,
但是人们总是希望我更亲密一点
and often, others want me to be more intimate
而这种亲密使我不舒服
than I feel comfortable being.
哪个选项更接近你的状态呢 A B或者C
Which of these options applys to you A, B,or C.
这些选项
Behind the scenes,
代表了三种典型的与他人交往的风格
the options refer to the three main styles of relating to other people
该说法由英国的心理学家约翰·鲍尔比 依恋理论的创始人
first identified by the English psychologist John Bowlby,
于1950年到1960年期间提出
the inventor of Attachment Theory in the 1950s and 60s.
选项A
Option A signals what is known
是经典的安全型依恋模式
as a secure pattern of attachment,
该模式下的人可轻易获得爱与信任
whereby love and trust come easily.
选项B是经典的焦虑型依恋模式
Option B refers to what’s known as the anxious pattern of attachment,
该模式下的人渴望与他人亲近
where one longs to be intimate with others
但却一直害怕失望
but is continuously scared of letdown
常常通过事与愿违的攻击性行为
and often precipitates crises in relationships
而陷入关系危机
through counter-productively aggressive behaviour
选项C是经典的回避型依恋模式
Option C is what’s konwn as the avoidant pattern of attachment,
该模式下的人认为通过独自行动和情感退缩
where it feels much easier to avoid the dangers of intimacy
更容易保护自己不受到亲密关系的伤害
through solitary activities and emotional withdrawal.
一般情况下报纸上的问卷极少有大用处
Questionnaires in newspapers are rarely of much use
但汉森和沙沃的问卷却是一个明显的例外
but Hazan’s and Shaver’s is the momentous exception.
如果我们应该做一件事来改善我们的亲密关系
If there is one thing we should do to improve our relationships,
那就是提前了解我们属于三种类型中的哪一种
it is to know head of time which of the three categories
是类型A 类型B还是类型C
we predominantly belong to A, B, or C,
为了警醒我们自己和他人可能陷入的误区
and to deploy the knowledge in love so as to warn ourselves and others
我们需要在恋爱中运用这种知识
of the traps we might fall into.
我们还需要一些训练
We then need a little training
因为我们至少有一半人在恋爱中缺乏安全感
because half of us at least are not secure in love.
我们要么属于回避型 要么属于焦虑型
We belong in the camps of either the avoidant or the anxious,
我们总是把事情复杂化
and we have to complicate matters
并且有超过平均水平的倾向
and above average propensity
去爱上另一种不安全类型的人
to fall in love with someone from the other damaged side,
因此这加剧了我们的不安
thereby aggravating our insecurities
并在恋爱中自我防御
and defences in the process.
以下有一份简要列表 列出了回避型和焦虑型
Here is a brief list of what avoidants and anxious types
在恋爱关系中应该记住的事情
should keep in mind in their relationships
如果回避型的你和焦虑型的某个人相恋了
If you are avoidant with someone anxious attached
当关系变得亲密时 尤其是
Well, recognise the extent to which you check out emotionally
当恋人提议亲密时
when things are intense,
你要认识到自己情感投入的程度
particularly when there is an offer of closeness.
要认识到你倾向于如何与陌生人发生关系
Recognise, how you will tend to prefer sex and closeness with strangers
当拥抱和亲吻时 你会多紧张
and how nervous you will be around cuddles and kissing.
你可能还喜欢在亲密时关灯
You probably don’t want the light on either.
观察自己是否在破坏长期亲密关系
Watch are you sabotage long term intimacy.
同情自己不敢表达真正的需要
Have compassion that you are afraid of what you really want.
回顾下你的过去
Think back to how in your past,
当人们让你失望时 你是怎样恐惧亲密的
closeness would have been frightening because people let you down,
观察你是怎样采取删除策略保护自己的
and observe how you adopted a strategy of removal to protect yourself.
你受伤了 但是不算太糟
You are hurt, not bad.
提醒自己 现在与过去是不同的
Remind yourself that the present is different from the past
你正在
and you are
通过延续过去沉甸甸的恐惧
ruining the present by bring to it filling dynamics
摧毁现在的生活
that don’t actually belong there.
这会让你感觉恋人有攻击性
It may feel like your partner is being aggressive
无缘由地对你发脾气
and ill-tempered with you for no reason,
他们内心沮丧
They are at heart upset
没有任何其他方式能够表达他们的需求
and unable to express their needs in any other way.
他们想要亲密
They want you; and
所以他们表现出那样的行为
that is why they are behaving as they are.
看看他们挑剔和谴责的表象之下
Look beneath their nagging and their accusations
相信他们潜在的善意
and believe in their underlying goodwill.
当他们攻击你时 观察他们对爱的渴望
When they attack you, see their longing for love.
做那件令你恐惧的事:给予安心
Do that very frightening thing: extendreassurance.
冷静地解释
And explain calmly,
对方对你的吸引力
the appeal of the cave.
如果焦虑型的你和回避型的伴侣在一起了
If you are an anxious person with avoidant partner,
我们需要牢记另外一些事
Here are the other things to bear in mind
事情没有像他人所看到的那样糟糕
Things are not necessarily as bad as they seem.
恋人的安静只是不爱说话 不是不爱你
The other person’s quiet might just be quiet, not a lack of love.
二者之前的距离
The distance
并不远 那是他们保持平衡的方式
isn’t necessarily meanness, it’s their way of maintaining equilibrium.
而你不能疯狂或者贪婪地
On the other hand, you are not demented or ‘needy’
想要更多
to want more;
但你表达你合理需要的方式
but your way of dealing with what you legitimate need
可能会使关系恶化
may be aggravating things hugely,
因为太直接地要求亲密
you might be triggering your partner by asking for intimacy too directly
你可能会激怒你的恋人
and also probably with too much anger.
你需轻轻试探
Realise that you need to tread lightly,
在要求亲密时留有余地
and be a little adistant in requesting closeness.
你的恋人并不卑鄙或奇怪 仅仅是受过伤害
The partner isn’t mean or freakish, merely damaged
你也是如此 这也是非常正常的
as are you. And that’s very normal.
足有40%人口和你一样
A full 40% of the population are in your positions
属于不安全型或焦虑型依恋
either insecurely attached or anxiously attached
了解我们在恋爱中是安全型
Knowing whether we can be classed as secure,
回避型还是焦虑型
avoidant or anxious in love
应该是我们对自己的一个基本认识
should be a basic fact we grasp about ourselves.
下一步是平和地接受
The next step is to accept with grace
如果我们是回避型和焦虑型的二者之一
that if we are either avoidant or anxious
我们需要相当多的情感训练
we are going to need considerable emotional schooling
去摆脱草率模式
to get out of scratchy patterns
那样我们很有可能建立良好恋爱关系
and stand a chance of building up a good enough relationship.
我们出版的《Relationships》
Our Relationships Book
通过列举恋爱关系中的关键问题
calmly guides us with calm and charm
指导我们在恋爱中更冷静睿智
through the key issues of relationships.
确保恋爱的成功靠的不只是运气
To ensure that success in love need not be a matter of luck.
点击链接可以了解更多哦
For more click the link now.

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视频概述

测一下你在恋爱关系中是什么类型,安全型、忧虑型还是逃避型?这将有助于你在亲密关系中避免掉入一些误区

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视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2s9ACDMcpjA

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