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想要让你的第二次婚姻美满吗?

Want your 2ND Marriage to SUCCEED?

With all of the work I’ve done in remarried households,
从所有再婚家庭的工作经验中
I’ve come up with 7 rules for a successful second marriage.
我发现了第二次婚姻成功的七条法则
LIVE ON PURPOSE
《生活目标》
I guess I should start with a disclaimer
我想先做一个免责声明
because I’ve only been married once.
因为我只结过一次婚
And it’s my plan to continue to have that be true.
而且我计划让婚姻继续延续下去
But I’ve worked with a lot of families.
但我和非常多的家庭打过交道
I’ve shared with you before on the channel
我曾在频道里和大家分享过
that I used to do child custody evaluations for the court.
我以前为法院做儿童监护权的评估
And these are just sometimes nasty situations
有时候会碰到很难对付的情况
where people are divorcing
人们在闹离婚
and trying to figure out how to share their kids.
却要想办法如何共同照顾孩子
I’ve also worked with these families and helping them to establish something moving forward.
我也帮助过一些家庭走出困境
And so, this is coming from my clinical experience.
因此这来自于我的临床经验
But I share that disclaimer with you
但我和你分享这些
because I want you to share your ideas, too.
是希望你也能分享你的想法
If you found things that work,
如果你觉得有帮助的话
go down to the comments below
请到视频下面的评论区
and post your ideas about
然后发表你对认为有帮助
what’s working or maybe what’s not working.
或没有帮助的内容的看法
Let’s get a little conversation going around this.
我们来围绕这个话题做一些讨论
Rule number 1, unpack your baggage.
法则一 放下你的包袱
Or at least acknowledge that it’s there.
或至少承认你有包袱
We all come to the relationship
当我们进入一段亲密关系时
with whatever we’ve already packed up into our baggage.
我们都会带着过去的经历和创伤
You know what I’m talking about, right?
你懂的 对吧?
And everybody has issues.
每个人都有问题
Some of these issues affected how things went in the first marriage.
其中某些问题影响了第一次婚姻的走向
Also, it’s important to acknowledge that there’s a different dynamic
此外 因离婚而导致的二婚
that comes in a second marriage following a divorce
与因丧偶导致的二婚 两者情况是不同的
versus a second marriage following a death.
承认这一点非常重要
Those issues are a little different.
两者面对的问题有些许不同
Now, we’re going to still have baggage either way.
但不管是哪一种情况 我们都会有包袱
So, acknowledge and unpack your baggage as much as you can.
所以承认你有包袱 并尽可能地放下它
It’s important to do enough self work
做足够的自我工作非常重要
that you’re aware of what those issues are.
你要意识到自己存在哪些问题
Usually we are painfully aware of what the other person’s issues are.
我们通常会非常关注对方存在的问题
And as long as our focus is there,
只要我们的注意力在那上面
it doesn’t help us to have the kind of mindfulness and insight
我们就无法获得正念和洞察
that will really position us well to have a successful relationship.
而那是我们能拥有成功亲密关系的关键
So, become aware of it. Get a coach.
因此开始意识到它 找个教练
Do some thinking and don’t rush it.
多思考并且不要太着急
That’s one of the most common errors people make in a second marriage
这是二婚中人们最常见错误之一:
is jumping in a little too soon.
有点急于求成
Give it enough time that you can actually unpack
给自己足够的时间去放下包袱
and at least acknowledge some of your baggage.
至少承认你有包袱
Rule number 2, practice forgiveness.
法则二 练习原谅
I think this happens on at least 3 different levels.
我认为这至少有三种不同的层次
So, track me on this.
跟着我的思路
Number 1, yourself.
第一个层次 你自己
Practice and forgiveness right here at home.
在家里就可以练习原谅
You did the best that you knew how to do
你已经尽可能好地根据你掌握的信息
with what you knew at the time.
处理了当时的情况
Let yourself off of the hook for all of that heavy blame
让自己摆脱你在第一次婚姻中碰到
that you might be carrying around for whatever happened in the first relationship.
和背负的所有沉重的责备
Practice forgiveness.
练习原谅
Now, the second level of forgiveness
原谅的第二个层次
is for your ex or your late spouse.
是原谅你的前任或已故的伴侣
They did some things that didn’t work, right?
他们确实做了一些错事 对吧?
And you can probably list what those are.
而且你可能能把它们列举出来
For you to carry those into another relationship
把它们带到下一段关系中
is going to have a similar impact.
会对新关系产生类似的影响
So, let’s see if we can let that go
看看我们是否能放下一切
and practice forgiveness for the ex or the late spouse.
并且原谅前任或已故的伴侣
And then the third level, your current relationship.
然后第三个层次 你现在的亲密关系
Forgiveness is one of 9 powerful principles
原谅是保障完美关系的
that guarantee the success of a relationship.
有力的九大准则之一
And this is one that you’ll want to practice early and regularly
而且你要尽早及经常练习
with your current relationship.
原谅你现在的伴侣
It’ll set a whole different tone for where you can go.
这将会为你的未来 设定完全不同的基调
Rule number 3, plan your strategy around conflict.
法则三 设定面对冲突的策略
Here’s the thing: Conflict is going to happen.
实际情况是 冲突必然会发生
Anytime you bring 2 different people together,
只要两个不同的人聚在一起
you have conflict.
就会产生冲突
Why?
为什么呢?
Because of the differences.
因为存在差异
We have different backgrounds. We have different expectations.
我们都有不同的背景 不同的期望
We have different experiences.
我们有不同的经历
Especially if both of you are coming at this from a previous relationship.
尤其当你们俩都是从上一段关系中走出来时
There’s going to be some conflict.
一定会发生一些冲突
So, plan a strategy for this.
所以 为冲突设定策略
Dr.John Gottman did some ground breaking research around conflict.
约翰·哥特曼博士针对冲突做了开创性的研究
And he found that there’s basically 2 different ways to handle it.
他发现 解决冲突的方式基本有两种
One way leads to misery and the eventual destruction of the relationship.
一种会导致痛苦和关系的最终破裂
And the other way we can handle it leads to happiness and success.
另一种则会带来幸福和成功
So, what are those 2 different ways?
那么这两种不同的方式是什么呢?
Basically on this side of the equation,
基本上在等式的这一边
criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.
是批评 防御 轻视和阻碍
He called it the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
他称其为天启四骑士
When we criticize each other and beat each other up,
当我们相互批评和伤害时
as opposed to this side which is principle-based.
而等式的这一边截然相反 它以原则为基准
And it has to do with dealing with this conflict in a loving and respectful manner.
它是以爱和尊重的方式解决冲突
Conflict doesn’t have to lead to the destruction of a relationship.
冲突不一定会导致关系的破裂
Differences make us relevant and interesting to each other in the first place.
最开始我们因差异而相互联系和吸引
That’s why you want to have the relationship.
这正是你渴望这段亲密关系的原因
If you’re exactly the same,
如果你们完全相同
one of you is unnecessary.
其中一个就没有必要存在了
So, let’s accept those differences
因此让我们接受这些差异
and deal with those in a principle-based way
并且用以原则为基准的方法去来处理
that allows us to create a successful relationship.
这能帮助我们创造成功的亲密关系
Plan for the conflict.
为冲突设定策略
Rule number 4, practice vulnerability and humility.
法则四 练习脆弱和谦卑
Brene Brown is one of my heroes.
布芮尼·布朗是我的偶像之一
She wrote a book called Daring Greatly.
她写了一本书《脆弱的力量》
And you can also see her TED talk right here on YouTube.
你也可以在YouTube上看到她的TED演讲
Or look up the Netflix special that she did.
或搜索她制作的网飞特别节目
Brene Brown
布芮尼·布朗
has talked so much about vulnerability
谈论了很多关于脆弱性
and authenticity and the risks
真实性以及风险的内容
that we sometimes take in a relationship.
那些都是我们在亲密关系中有时会遇到的
What’s the opposite?
相反的是什么呢
I call it destructive pride.
我称它为破坏性骄傲
Destructive pride has us knowing that we’re right.
破坏性骄傲使我们知道我们是对的
And just notice that you do.
承认吧 你确实如此
You know that you’re right.
你“知道”你是对的
It’s not that you think you’re right.
而不是你“认为”你是对的
You know you’re right.
你知道你是对的
And that has a showing up in really terrible ways for each other.
这种想法会在亲密关系中以很可怕的方式呈现
Humility is giving up our need to be right
谦卑是放下认为自己没错的执念
in exchange for being open.
来换取开放心态
That openness is going to help you
这种开放心态会帮助你
build a successful relationship.
建立成功的亲密关系
Practice vulnerability and humility.
练习脆弱和谦卑
Rule number 5, listen to understand.
法则五 为理解而倾听
And I’ve got a specific strategy for you on this one.
在这方面我为你提供了具体的策略
Listening is such an important part of communication.
倾听是沟通非常重要的组成部分
And you need to be doing it regularly.
你需要经常性去练习倾听
Most people don’t listen.
绝大多数人不倾听
The letters in the word listen and the letters in the word silent are exactly the same.
组成“倾听”这个单词的字母和“沉默”完全相同
But being silent doesn’t mean that you’re listening.
但沉默不代表你在倾听
Sometimes we’re silent
有时我们沉默
while we’re dreaming up our rebuttal.
是为了思考如何反驳对方
Or coming up with 5 reasons
或是在想出五个理由
why what we just heard isn’t right.
来证明刚听到的内容不正确
Or waiting for our chance to talk.
或是在等待发言机会
See, we’re not really listening to understand.
看 我们没有为理解而倾听
And here’s the strategy that’ll help with that:
有一个策略可以帮助解决这个问题:
Postpone your own need to be understood.
延迟满足自己被理解的需求
Just take it and put it on a shelf over here for a minute.
把它暂时地放在架子上
You know how invested you are in making sure
你花了大量精力
that somebody understands your point of view.
来确保别人理解你的观点
Postpone that.
延迟一下
Stick it on a shelf
把它放在一边
until your partner
直到你的伴侣
is completely satisfied that you understand their position.
完全确信你已经理解了他们的观点
Listen to what I just said.
听清楚我说了什么
You postpone your own need to be understood
你延迟自己被理解的需求
until your partner is completely satisfied
直到你的伴侣完全确信
that you understand them.
你已经理解了他们的观点
That is graduate level stuff people
这是非常高级的阶段
And most people don’t do it
大部分人都不会这么做
because it’s hard.
因为要做到很难
Well, you can do this.
但你可以做
It’s gonna take a little bit of maturity
做到这一点需要一定的成熟度
to put your agenda aside long enough to do that.
才能先将自己的需求放在一边
Listen to understand.
为理解而倾听
Rule number 6, get really good at positivity.
法则六 保持良好的积极性
If you know me at all,
如果你认识我
you know that I’m not just saying that as a trite fluffy platitude.
你就会知道我不只是在说陈词滥调
Positivity is understanding how to operate the equipment of your own mind
积极性在于了解如何操作自己的想法
and that affects every relationship you’re in
这会影响你所处的每一段关系
especially this one.
尤其是这一段
If you’re not even sure what I’m talking about there,
如果你不太明白我的意思
get a hold of my book.
去看看我的书
I’m giving it away for free on my website.
我会在自己的网站上免费赠送它
DrPaulJenkins.com.
DrPaulJenkins.com.
Big orange button. Click on that.
巨大的橙色按钮 点击它
I will ship this to you for free.
我会把它免费寄给你
You cover the shipping. I’ll buy the book.
你付邮费 我负责书
Sound fair?
听起来还不错吧?
I don’t want this to be a platitude
我不希望这是老生常谈地
or a just think positive kind-of-a video.
让你“积极起来吧”之类的视频
This is important to understand how to operate the equipment.
懂得如何去操作思想是很重要的
Get a handle on that and get really good at it.
掌握并真正擅长于此
That implies some practice.
这意味一些练习
And you get really good at whatever you practice a lot.
无论是什么 如果你经常练习 都能做得很好
So, if you’ve been practicing being
所以如果你一直练习
negative or critical or judgmental or harsh
用负面 批评 评判 严苛的眼光来看待
toward yourself or anybody else,
你自己或者其他人
that’s going to come really naturally to you.
你就会自然而然处在负面情绪中
And it will take some work to turn that around.
你需要一些努力 才能扭转局面
Put in the work.
努力去做
Get really good at being positive.
真正变得积极起来
Rule number 7, lighten up.
法则七 开心起来
Have some fun.
找些乐子
We take ourselves in each other far too seriously.
我们彼此之间太严肃了
And if we’re not having fun, we’re doing it wrong.
如果我们觉得不开心 我们就做错了
Why do you want to be in this relationship anyway?
那你为什么还要在这段关系中?
If it doesn’t increase your joy
如果它不能让你更快乐
and your enjoyment of life
让你的生活更愉悦
then probably we need to make some adjustments.
那么我们可能需要进行一些调整
Have some fun with this.
好好享受它
In one of the steps I mentioned positivity.
在其中一个步骤中我提到了积极性
That is my expertise
那是我的专长
and it’s the starting place for all of our relationships including our parenting.
它是包括亲子关系在内 所有关系的起点
The best place to start is with a copy of this book.
你最好从这本书开始学习
I’ll ship it to you.
我会把它寄给你
You cover the shipping, I’ll cover the book.
你付邮费 我负责书
Does that sound fair?
这听起来可以吧?
DrPaulJenkins.com.
DrPaulJenkins.com.
Spelled with a D-R.
拼写为Dr
There’s a big orange button,
上面有一个很大的橙色按钮
click on that fill out your information.
点击它并填写你的信息
I’ll send this to you.
我就会把它寄给你
I got your back.
我会支持你的

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视频概述

本视频谈到了如何成就完美二次婚姻的七个法则

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

ericaeureka

审核员

审核员QC

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxEYYTJXP5w

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