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两个还是单身的理由

Two Reasons Why We're Still Single

对长期单身的常识解释是将责任明确地指向外在
The common-sense explanation for long-termsinglehood directs the blame firmly outwards,
它将问题与结构分离开
it isolates the problem to one of mechanics:
一个人之所以还单身
one is still single because one hasn ’ t,
也许是因为刚搬到一个大的而不知名的城市
perhaps on account of having moved to a vast and anonymous new city,
没有受邀参加足够的社交聚会
been invited to enough parties,
或者因为要不断地
or because the constant requirement to
到新加坡出差
fly to the Singapore office leaves no time
而没有时间做适当的社交活动
for the right sort of socializing,
或者是因为被困在偏远深山的村庄里
or because one is holed up in a remote village high in
只有通过不定期的公共汽车服务
the mountains connected to the more
才能与人口更密集的地区取得联系
densely populated lowlands only by an irregular bus service.
这些也许是足够充分的理由
These may be solid enough reasons,
但是当单身问题持续一段时间
but when the problems persist over an extended period,
这些解释的说服力就减弱了
their power to explain our situationweakens.
我这样说并没有任何的迫害
Without anything remotely persecutory
或者不友善的意图
or unkind being intended by this,
一个人被迫到处寻找心理上
one is forced to cast around for psychological rather than
而非程序上的解释 他的问题一定是在于思想上
procedural explanations. The problem must lie in our minds rather
而不是在生活上
than in the world.
在这些思想的深处
Andin the recesses of these minds, two issues
有两个完全对立且互补的想法 一方面要承受
– diametrical yet complimentary – canoften be identified: one is suffering from
过度的自我憎恨
an excess of self-hatred.
另一方面要承受过度的自恋
Or from an excessof self-love.
在这部分思想中 自我仇恨是
Self-hatred is the more poignant
更切中要害的
of the pair.
在被某人接近时 不论最初他们可能是有吸引力和有能力的
On being approached by someone,however initially attractive and competent
我们也会开始质疑为什么他们如此的天真
they might be, we begin to wonder why they should be so naive,
如此急不可耐 和如此的弱小
so desperate, and so weak
就像我们这样的人
as to be drawn to someone like us.
当我们不充分相信自己的亲和力时
When weare inadequately convinced of our own likeability,
总认为他人的善意是不合理的和奇怪的
the attentions of another person must forever seem illegitimate and peculiar,
就会对善意的给予者
and reflect
回应很差
poorly on their donor.
爱情就像一份我们从没得到的礼物
Love feels like a gift we haven ’ t earned,
就像我们不值得拥有爱情
don ’ t deserve – and
所以必须待之谨慎 最终丢弃它
must therefore take care eventually to throwaway.
在自我憎恨的压力下
We might, under the pressure of self-hatred,
我们会指责我们的崇拜者天真幼稚
accuse our admirer of naivety.
他们支持我的
The only possible reason they can
唯一可能的原因是
have to approve of us is that
他们对于人的品质有很低的判断力
they are poor judges of character.
这就是为什么他们错过了我所有的
That iswhy they have missed all the more disturbed
令人不安和更黑暗的部分
and darker aspects of us.
他们喜欢我
They like us only
仅仅因为他们被蒙蔽了 因此
because they are blind – and therefore a
他们有点愚蠢
little stupid. However,
因为他们最终会发现他们的错误
because they are bound to spot their error eventually, it is surely
所以在暴露与被抛弃之前逃跑是更明智的
wiser to run away before we are exposed andabandoned.
我们会孤独终老 因为
We end up alone because, despite
尽管我们渴望感情
our longing for affection,
但是我从心底里并没有感到愉快 而且没有持久的理由相信
we don ’ t in essence feel there are any good and lasting reasons
为什么会有人善意地看待我和喜欢我
why anyone would properly see us and likeus.
面对仰慕者的礼物
We may also, in the face of the gifts,
收到的短信和拥抱
text messages or hugs we receive,
我就开始觉得他们到了令人厌恶的程度
start to feel that our admirer is, to a sickening degree, needy.
当我们
We feel repulsed
认为自己不是他人需要的合适的目标时
by their need when we don ’ t see ourselves as appropriate targets
就会对他们的需求感到厌恶
of anyone ’ s need;
我们拒绝他们的依赖 是因为在内心深处
we reject their nascent dependence because somewhere inside, we are
我们确信自己是不值得依赖的人
sure that we are not people to depend upon.
当然 这些幻想
And yet, of course, none of these spectres
都不会显露在我们不安的心灵之外的生活里
need to be real in the world outside our touchingly troubled minds.
那些喜爱我们的人
The person who is keen on
几乎可以肯定不是天真的 毫无疑问 他们可以看清我们
us is almost certainly not naive. They canno doubt see us for what we are: they have
他们也注意到我们许多不那么值得赞赏的缺点
noticed many of our less admirable sides.
他们觉得这些缺点是无关紧要的
It is just that they don’t consider these fatal,
因为他们知道
because they know
所有人都是不完美的(都是有缺点的) 只是这些缺点
that being not quite right is what all of us are and is no barrier
对发展一段成熟的关系不是阻碍
to a mature relationship.
他们知道
They know we ’ re not
我们不可能完全成为我们希望的那种人
exactly who we think we should be, but
他们也意识到这些缺点并不能把任何人
they also grasp that this doesn ’ t place anyone
置于厌恶的范畴
in the category of the damned.
自我仇恨也许
We might
有点扭曲 愚蠢 我们也许并没有
be a bit perverted, a little silly and not as nice
自己所认为的那么好 但是其他人也是这样的
as we make out – but so is everyone else.
不是他们天真地看待我们
It ’ s not that they are naive about us;
而是我们天真地看待了他们
we ’ re ultimately naive about them.
他们知道
They
每个人都有阴暗面
know that every human has shadow sides.
他们已经接纳了他们的阴暗面
They’vemade peace with theirs (probably as a result
(也许是由于有段幸运的童年)
of a fortunate childhood );
他们也希望我们能正视自己的阴暗面
they would like us to make peace with ours.
他们的想法比我们前卫
Ahead of us, they
他们理解人无完人 每个人都值得被珍爱
understand that a person can be ordinarily imperfect – and worthy of being cherished. Then,
在自我仇恨的另一端 是过度的自恋
at the otherend of the spectrum, comes excessive self-love,
这意味着
which really means a hesitation
完全承认一件事情具有挑战性时犹豫不决
around fully acknowledging what a challenging proposition
因此我们应该如何感激
one is – and therefore how much we
那些看起来跟我们一样
should rightly be grateful for when someone, anyone
具有普遍优势和弱点的人
with an ordinary share of strengths and weaknesses,looks our way.
也许是因为
Perhaps because of the legacy
父母的溺爱与放纵
of doting and forgivably biased parents,
我们对爱情怀着错误的心态
we are operating with an unhelpful sense of how
即那些能投入我的怀抱的人是如此的幸运
lucky someone might be to end up in our arms.
在长期孤身一人之后
After having been alone for a long time, we
我们也许会失去发现自己的本领
may also have lost the knack
无法意识到自己是多么奇怪 要求过高又有强迫症的人
of spotting what peculiar, demanding and compulsive people
因为没人给我们举着镜子
we are. With no one to hold up a mirror,
我们对于愤怒
we have forgotten to give due weight to the rage,
焦虑 和产生仇恨的时刻没有给予重视
the anxiety and the moments of vindictiveness inside us.
与此同时 我们在
At the same time, we are travelling the world
关闭想象力环游世界
with our imaginations switched off,
这里的想象力被定义为具有能量的能力
imagination defined here as the capacity to look with energy,
想象力能产生同情和好奇
compassion and curiosity
进而想象出一个人的面部和性格
into the face and character of another person in order
从而发现一个人令人满意的优点
to search out what might be desirable andgood therein.
如果不带幻想地看一个人会怎么样呢
What happens when we look without imagination?
好的 我看到一个相当不错的人 但是他的鼻子太大了 不行
Well we meet someone quite nice, but their nose is too big…”erm, no”.
或者看到工程师 工程师不谙世故 不行
Or they are an Engineer, Engineers are unsophisticated.”No”.
看到富人 富人太势利了 不行
Maybe they are rich?”Rich people are snobs, no.”
也许那人的头发稀少 秃顶的人不行 有很重的口音不行
Perhaps the hair is thining,”bald people aren’t our thing. no.” or they have a strong accent?”no”.
想象力意味着对不那么明显的事情的敏感性
Imagination means sensitivity to the less obvious things;
是一种扫描过表面
one scans past the surface
发现一个人的内在价值的能力
and wonders about what might be worthy inside a fellow human,
当然
whom it would – of course
批判一个人总是轻而易举的(但是最终都不值得)
– always be so easy (yet ultimately so unrewarding) to criticise.
带着幻想看一个人会发生什么呢
What happens when we look with imagination?
我们看到一些看起来
We meet someone, they look conventional and
传统和拘谨的人 但是我们可以认为他们也有
formal but we think they could turn out
好玩和狂野的一面
to have playfull and wild sides too.
那些看起来胆小的人也许
Or they look mousy but also maybe they are very whitty
在他们熟悉的人面前表现得诙谐
around people they know well.
或者有的人鼻子有点不好看
Or they do have a slightly wonky nose
但是他们的眼睛很温柔 嘴唇出奇的性感
but their eyes are very tender and their lips supprisingly sensual.
或者一些人做着平凡的工作
Or they do have a job that sounds unimpressive but
但是他们的兴趣广泛
their interests are very broad and they might be the
也许是一同去古玩市场的理想人选
ideal person to go around an antiques market with.
为了唤醒沉睡的想象力
To awaken the dormant faculty of the imagination,
我们应该更有规律地观察
we might more regularly – perhaps in the street or
可以在街道上或火车上实践
on the train to work – look at
观察我们周围的脸庞
the faces around us,
尤其可以观察那些不太突出或者有明显特征的人
especially the less distinguished or obviously sculpted ones, and ask ourselves
问问自己他们身上有什么是使人高兴的
what there could be to delight in.
总会有一些的
There isalways going to be something, for we were
因为我们都曾是值得爱的孩子 在我们的内心深处仍然如此
all once love-worthy children and remain asmuch in our depths.
做个实验
Take an experiment.
如果你被迫要从这两个候选人中选一个去爱
if you were forced to love one of these candidates,
就是选择你喜欢的性别
choose your favourite gender.
你有什么可能去爱上那个人
What might there be to fall in love with?
训练想象力并不是妥协
Practising imagination is not a compromise,
而是爱情的关键
it is the key to love, for we all have to
因为我们都被想象而被爱
be considered imaginatively
为的是在长期的相处里得到容忍和原谅
in order to be tolerated and forgiven over the long term
使用想象力思考
by anyone. By thinking imaginatively,
并不是对真爱的不忠
we ’ re not being disloyal to the true ambition of love;
我们被困在
we ’ re stumbling on the essence
爱的本质的问题里
of what love rightly has to involve.
这将会是
There will
遇到实际问题的原因 为什么很难找到一个伴侣
always be practical reasons why it proves hard to find a partner.
但是如果我们能
But if we have worked
平衡我们的自恋程度和减少自我憎恨的心理
on our levels of self-love and attenuated the ravages of self-hatred,
也许一次聚会缺席
an absence of
或者一趟去下一个城镇的艰难公交旅途
parties or a difficult bus ride to the
不会让我们因此就陷入
next town need never condemn us long-term to a
长期缺乏温存和与人联系的生活中
life devoid of tenderness and connection.
如果你要学习更对关于爱情方面的内容
To learn more about Love, try our book on
请看”How to Fine Love “这本书 它解释了我们行为的类型
How to Find Love, which explains why we have the ‘ types
以及我们早期的经历
’ we do, and how our early experiences
是如何塑造我们如何去爱和爱怎样的人
shape how and whom we love

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视频概述

一个人为什么单身,或许是因为有许多被人普遍认可给理由,但是这里有两个思想上的理由,希望可以帮助你早日告别单身。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

Scarlett

审核员

审核员YX

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvXF850K9Sc

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