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狐猴二三事

True Facts: The Lemur

杰罗姆 我们开机了 哎!新人
Jerome, we’re live.Amateur.
我们将播报一些关于狐猴的事实
Here are True Facts about the Lemur.
环尾狐猴
The ringtail lemur,
就是正在晒蛋蛋的这两位
Seen here basking its nitzels in the sun,
它们是近百个狐猴种类中的一种
is one of roughly 100 species of lemur,
它们是生活在马达加斯加岛上濒临灭绝的原始灵长类动物
the endangered primitive primate that lives on the island of Madagascar.
杰罗姆 你得认真点 我不会再提醒你了
Jerome, you have to take this seriously. I’m not gonna ask again.
环尾狐猴高度社会化 一个族群的数量可达30只
Ringtails are highly social living in troupes of up to 30 individuals.
雌性占统治地位且她们的体型和顺从的雄性一样大
Females are dominant and they are the same size as the submissive males.
性激素的调节增加了她们的侵略性
The hormones regulating increased female aggression
也导致她们的生殖器变大
also lead to enlarged genitals
这就使它们雌雄难辨
then it can be hard to tell them apart.
例如 这是一只雌性环尾狐猴
This for example is a female.
这只可能也是……哦 不 这是只雄性
While this one could be either… oop, no, no, that’s a male.
为了保持联系 狐猴之间会互相梳毛
In order to stay connected, lemurs participate in social grooming.
相信我 如果你和你的室友这么做了 你们的关系也将更加亲密
Trust me, if you did this with your roommates, you’d be closer too.
就像是你把室友毛衣上的线头挑掉
It’s like picking a piece of lint off your roommate’s sweater,
只不过你俩都没穿衣服 而且你用的是舌头
except you’re both naked and you’re using your tongue.
随着这种梳毛的习惯延续下来
With all this grooming going on,
狐猴进化出像瑞士军刀一样的护理套装
lemurs have evolved a kind of Swiss Army vanity kit.
它们锋利的牙齿形成了一把梳子
They have a comb made out of their frigging teeth.
它们细长的指甲则形成了梳妆爪
They also have an elongated nail referred to as a toilet claw,
这听起来有点像是金刚狼去医院的原因
which sounds like something Wolverine would be admitted to the hospital for.
事实上 “toilet”一词过去指梳洗打扮的地方
In fairness, the word toilet used to mean washing up or getting dressed,
而不是一个用来排泄的洞
not a hole to in.
toilet并不喜欢这个释义
The word toilet is not happy about that.
它在鸡尾酒会上都被别词嘲笑
He gets teased at cocktail parties.
像“塔夫绸”和“法式鱼羹”这样的词会开它开玩笑说“你看见厕所穿了啥么?”
Words like taffeta and bouillabaisse make jokes like”have you seen what toilet is wearing?”
“是一堆冒着热气的翔吗?”
“Was it a steaming pile of .”
然后它们都笑了 这非常不好 我跑题了
Then they both laugh, which isn’t nice. I digress.
做一只野生动物的最大好处是可以随地排便
One of the greatest benefits of being a wild animal is of course free pooping.
然而一些狐猴并不是真正的自由排便者
Some lemurs though are not true free poopers
它们会选择一棵不幸的树作为公共厕所
instead choosing a very unhappy tree as a communal latrine.
狐猴是灵长类动物中最健谈的
Lemurs are among the most vocal of the primates.
例如 马达加斯加大狐猴似乎无法把嘴闭上
The indri lemur, for example, can’t seem to shut up,
而且它们的叫声有点像你在生日会上给气球放气的那种屁声
and sounds a bit like when you squeak fart by pulling apart the butthole of a birthday balloon.
告诉过你了吧 狐猴也可以
Told you. Lemurs also communicate through colons
通过腺体产生的气味进行交流
that they make themselves in scent producing glands.
例如 布兰达在说她真的很喜欢这棵小树
For example brenda is saying that she really likes this little tree.
现在这就是布兰达的小树了
This is Brenda’s little tree now.
当雌性的环尾狐猴处于可交配的时期
When female ringtails are receptive to mating
雄性就会开展一场“臭气的竞赛”
males compete in something called a stink fight.
它们用尾巴摩擦生殖器 手腕和胸部上的各种气味腺
They rub their tails over a variety of scent glands on their genital regions their wrists and their chest.
这让尾巴上充满臭味 就像兄弟会分享屁的活动
This arms the tail with an odor which like a fraternity brother cup wafting a fart
狐猴把尾巴上的气味扇向对手的方向
they send in their competitors general direction.
听着 这很管用
Listen this works
如果你在酒吧 用你的手
If you’re at a bar, take your hand
混合你屁屁 弟弟和蛋蛋的味道
and mix the smells from your rear bubbus, your front stank and your two pitzels.
然后挥向别人
then wave it at someone.
十美元赌他们肯定会走开
Ten bucks says they leave.
环尾狐猴花很多时间呆在地面上
Ringtails spend a lot of time on the ground,
所以它们从小就会优雅地行走和奔跑
and from a young age learn to walk aand run fairly gracefully.
而马达加斯加狐猴……咱能换个更好的角度吗?
The Sifaka, on the other hand… do we have a better angle?
这就像是账号为“棕眼伯爵”分享在Instagram上的图片
This is like a post on a private Instagram account called Brown Eyed Eral
嗯 这并没有好多少
Well, that’s not much better.
马达加斯加狐猴大部分时间都待在树上 它们的跳跃令人印象深刻
Sifakas spend most of their lives in trees and are very impressive jumpers.
它们甚至能惬意的待在鹅掌藤上 这类长满尖刺的树
They are even comfortable on the octopus tree, a tree covered in spiky thorns.
鹅掌藤进化成这样是想说别他喵的在我身上爬来爬去
Which is evolutions way of saying don’t ing climb on me.
但马达加斯加狐猴才不鸟它
Sifaka don’t give a
马达加斯加狐猴在地面上就不那么优雅了
On the ground though the sifaka is not so elegant.
有点像坐飞机的乘客因腹泻急着上厕所
Sort of an airline passenger with urgent diarrhea
试着从餐车旁挤过去的步法
trying to squeeze past the drink cart kind of walking.
大狐猴大部分时间也待在树上
The Indri also spends most of its time in the trees.
它甚至知道如何像鸟一样筑巢
It is even figured out how to build nests like birds.
大狐猴主要吃叶子 像这只一样
The Indri predominantly eats leaves like this one
它看上去像是刚刚意识到小猪被送去市场并不是去购物的
who looks like he just realized that the little piggy who went to the market wasn’t going on a shopping trip.
谢谢Reddit
Thank you, Reddit.
环尾狐猴偶尔也会吃像蝉这样的昆虫或者是成群移动时的蝗虫
The ringtail will also eat the occasional insect like a cicada or locusts when they swarm.
想象一下食物在飞舞……就像龙卷风袭击了一个麻辣味薯片工厂一样
Imagine that… food just flying around like if a tornado hit a flaming hot cheeto factory.
一些狐猴吃有毒的千足虫
Some lemurs will eat poisonous millipedes
咬死它们 然后用它们身上的抗寄生虫毒来摩擦生殖器
biting them and then rubbing the anti-parasitic poison on their genitals.
是谁想出来的 它要么是个天才 要么是个白痴
Whoever figured that out was a genius or an idiot.
许多狐猴都吃水果 因此它们是马达加斯加主要的种子传播者
Many lemurs eat fruits and are primary seed dispersers in Madagascar,
这意味着对许多植物来说 狐猴的肛门是它们生命循环的一部分
which means that for many plants the circle of life includes a section inside the lemurs butthole.
竹狐猴吃竹子
The bamboo lemur eats bamboo
取名的人显然缺乏创造性 他可能给他的猫取名为“猫粮猫”
not named by the most creative person, probably named his cat Cat Food Cat.
鼠狐猴 很神奇
The mouse lemur, which is amazing,
它们轻轻地从猴面包树上的花朵底部啜饮花蜜
gently sips the nectar from the flowers of the bottle baobab tree.
它们也许很可爱
They may be cute but they are extremely dangerous
但对于愚蠢或行动缓慢的昆虫来说它们极其危险
to the dumbest and slowest of the insects.
讲真的 虫子们表示当它们的朋友被鼠狐猴吃掉的时候感觉很尴尬
Seriously, bugs are embarrassed when their friends are eaten by a mouse lemur.
事实证明 狐猴很可爱 尤其是狐猴宝宝
Let’s face it. Lemurs are cute, especially the babies.
我这可不是在吹它们的彩虹屁
And I’m not blowing smoke up their
我甚至不知道我为什么要这样做
I don’t even know why I would.
一定有人在某一时刻这么做过 所以这个短语才会存在
Someone must have done it at some point for the phrase to exist.
让我们假装自己是龙!
Let’s pretend we were dragons!
这个主意不错吧
I have an idea!
狐猴们非常可爱 但它们即将灭绝
Lemurs are adorable but they are going extinct.
不要让这些狐猴宝宝在一个空荡荡的白色房间里
Don’t let these lemur babies wind up in an empty white room
抱着另一种濒危动物的模型
clutching a facsimile of another endangered animal.
为了保护狐猴 杜克狐猴中心
The Duke Lemur Center allows you to symbolically adopt a lemur,
允许你象征性地按照程序收养一只
towards their conservation efforts.
你永远也不会知道 也许有一天我们会濒临灭绝
You never know. We might be endangered someday,
我们也希望那时狐猴们建一个杜克人类中心
and then we’ll want the lemurs giving to the Duke Human Center.
我们没有那么可爱 所以我们需要它们的帮助
Not nearly as cute and we’re gonna need all the help we can get.
这照片看起来还是像账号为“屁股马戏”
This looks like it’s from an Instagram account named Butt Circus,
“巨鸟”和“爱你的屁屁”
Big Bird and Staff Love Your Butt’s
“粪球视角”
Turds Eye View
“屁屁日全食”
Totally Eclipse of the Bum
“周五化妆小贴士”和“肛门”分享在Instagram上的图片
Friday Makeup Tips and Buttholes

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揭秘狐猴二三事

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视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJA3dYwIB3s

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