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回复一封垃圾邮件会发生什么 – 译学馆
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回复一封垃圾邮件会发生什么

This is what happens when you reply to spam email | James Veitch

几年前
A few years ago,
我收到了一封垃圾邮件
I got one of those spam emails.
它成功地通过了我的垃圾邮件过滤器
And it managed to get through my spam filter.
我不太确定这怎么做到的 但它的确出现在我的收件箱里
I’m not quite sure how, but it turned up in my inbox,
发件人是个叫所罗门·奥东寇的家伙
and it was from a guy called Solomon Odonkoh.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我知道
I know.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
内容如下:
It went like this:
它写着:“你好 詹姆斯·维奇
it said, “Hello James Veitch,
我有个绝妙的投资提案要与你分享 所罗门”
I have an interesting business proposal I want to share with you, Solomon.”
我的手悬在删除键上
Now, my hand was kind of hovering on the delete button, right?
我看着手机 心想我删掉它就行了
I was looking at my phone. I thought, I could just delete this.
或许我可以做些我们都想做的事情
Or I could do what I think we’ve all always wanted to do.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
然后我说: “所罗门 我对你的邮件很感兴趣”
And I said, “Solomon, Your email intrigues me.”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
(掌声)
(Applause)
游戏还在继续
And the game was afoot.
他说 :“亲爱的詹姆斯·维奇 我们会给你运送黄金”
He said, “Dear James Veitch, We shall be shipping Gold to you.”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
“将黄金转手 你可以赚10%的回扣”
“You will earn 10% of any gold you distributes.”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
于是我知道我在和一位专业人士打交道
So I knew I was dealing with a professional.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我说 :“黄金值多少钱”
I said, “How much is it worth?”
他说: “我们先从少量的黄金开始”
He said, “We will start with smaller quantity,” —
我当时就 “啊——”
I was like, aww —
然后他说 :“25公斤
and then he said, “of 25 kgs.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
价值250万美元”
The worth should be about $2.5 million.”
我说: “所罗门 如果要做生意 我们就得大干一场
I said, “Solomon, if we’re going to do it, let’s go big.
(掌声)
(Applause)
我能搞定 你手上有多少黄金”
I can handle it. How much gold do you have?”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
他说 :“关键不是我有多少
He said, “It is not a matter of how much gold I have,
而是你能转手多少
what matters is your capability of handling.
我们可以先发50公斤试试”
We can start with 50 kgs as trial shipment.”
我说 :“只有50公斤吗?
I said, “50 kgs?
这样做没意思
There’s no point doing this at all
除非你至少运1整吨黄金过来”
unless you’re shipping at least a metric ton.”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
(掌声)
(Applause)
他说 :“你是干什么的”
He said, “What do you do for a living?”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我说: “我是银行对冲基金的总经理”
I said, “I’m a hedge fund executive bank manager.”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
朋友 这不是我第一次运金条了
This isn’t the first time I’ve shipped bullion, my friend,
不不不
no no no.
然后我开始制造恐慌
Then I started to panic.
像是 “你们总部在哪啊”
I was like, “Where are you based?”
我还不了解你
I don’t know about you,
但如果我们要用邮政业务发货
but I think if we’re going via the postal service,
黄金就会被签收
it ought to be signed for.
那可是一大笔黄金啊
That’s a lot of gold.”
他说: “要说服我的公司
He said, “It will not be easy to convince my company
扩大运货量 难度可不小”
to do larger quantity shipment.”
我说: “所罗门 我完全同意你的观点
I said, “Solomon, I’m completely with you on this one.
我现在给你整理一些图像资料 你可以带到董事会上去
I’m putting together a visual for you to take into the board meeting.
看好了”
Hold tight.”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我把这个发给了所罗门
This is what I sent Solomon.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
(掌声)
(Applause)
我不知道在座的有没有统计学家
I don’t know if we have any statisticians in the house,
但这张图没毛病啊
but there’s definitely something going on.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我说: “所罗门 邮件的附件里有一个有用的图表
I said, “Solomon, attached to this email you’ll find a helpful chart.
我让我的一位助手算了一下
I’ve had one of my assistants run the numbers.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我们把生意做得越大越好啊”
We’re ready for shipping as much gold as possible.”
有些时候你会让别人心痒痒
There’s always a moment where they try to tug your heartstrings,
所罗门开始心痒了
and this was it for Solomon.
他说: “如果这次交易能顺利进行 我可开心死的
He said, “I will be so much happy if the deal goes well,
因为我也会得到一笔丰厚的佣金”
because I’m going to get a very good commission as well.”
我说 :“太棒了 你打算怎么花呢?”
And I said, “That’s amazing, What are you going to spend your cut on?”
他说 :“房地产 你呢?”
And he said, “On RealEstate, what about you?”
我想了很久
I thought about it for a long time.
我说 :“四个字
And I said, “One word;
鹰嘴豆泥”
Hummus.”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
“全用来买豆泥
“It’s going places.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
前几天我逛桑斯博里超市
I was in Sainsbury’s the other day
那里有30多种不同的鹰嘴豆泥
and there were like 30 different varieties.
而且你还可以把胡萝卜切碎 蘸着豆泥吃
Also you can cut up carrots, and you can dip them.
你试过吗 所罗门”
Have you ever done that, Solomon?”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
他说 :“我要去睡了”
He said, “I have to go bed now.”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
(掌声)
(Applause)
“明天再聊
“Till morrow.
祝你好梦”
Have sweet dream.”
我无言以对
I didn’t know what to say!
我说: “晚安 我的金条 晚安”
I said, “Bonsoir my golden nugget, bonsoir.”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
朋友们 这事儿持续了几周
Guys, you have to understand, this had been going for, like, weeks,
那是我人生中最美好的几个星期
albeit hitherto the greatest weeks of my life,
但我得翻篇了
but I had to knock it on the head.
情况快失控了
It was getting a bit out of hand.
当朋友们问我: “詹姆斯 要出去喝一杯吗”
Friends were saying, “James, do you want to come for a drink?”
我回答: “不行 我在等一封有关黄金的邮件”
I was like, “I can’t, I’m expecting an email about some gold.”
所以我必须得收手了
So I figured I had to knock it on the head.
必须用一种荒诞的方式结束它
I had to take it to a ridiculous conclusion.
所以我搞了一个计划
So I concocted a plan.
我说 “所罗门 我很担心安全问题
I said, “Solomon, I’m concerned about security.
当我们互发邮件时
When we email each other,
我们要用一个暗号”
we need to use a code.”
他同意了
And he agreed.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我说 “所罗门 我花了一整晚才想出这些暗号
I said, “Solomon, I spent all night coming up with this code
我们今后的通信都要这么用
we need to use in all further correspondence:
律师:小熊橡皮糖
Lawyer: Gummy Bear.
银行:奶油蛋
Bank: Cream Egg.
法律:可乐QQ糖 索赔:花生MM豆
Legal: Fizzy Cola Bottle. Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
文档:啫喱豆
Documents: Jelly Beans.
西联公司:大号橡胶蜥蜴
Western Union: A Giant Gummy Lizard.”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我知道这些都是他们用的词语 对吧
I knew these were all words they use, right?
我说 “请在今后所有的通信里叫我奇巧巧克力”
I said, “Please call me Kitkat in all further correspondence.”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
他没回信 我想我入戏太深了
I didn’t hear back. I thought, I’ve gone too far.
我入戏太深了 我要矜持一点
I’ve gone too far. So I had to backpedal a little.
我说 :“所罗门 交易还继续吗”
I said, “Solomon, Is the deal still on?
奇巧巧克力敬上
KitKat.”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
因为你得前后一致
Because you have to be consistent.
然后我收到他的回信
Then I did get an email back from him.
他说:“交易继续 我正在试着…”
He said, “The Business is on and I am trying to blah blah blah …”
我说:“老兄 你要用暗号啊”
I said, “Dude, you have to use the code!”
紧接着我就收到了我人生中最爆笑的一封邮件
What followed is the greatest email I’ve ever received.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
没开玩笑 我的收件箱里就是这样的内容
I’m not joking, this is what turned up in my inbox.
那天我可乐坏了
This was a good day.
“交易继续
“The business is on.
我在试着调高小熊橡皮糖的交易额
I am trying to raise the balance for the Gummy Bear —
(笑声)
(Laughter)
这样他就可以向奶油蛋提交一切
so he can submit all the needed Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
所需的可乐QQ糖 啫喱豆
to the Creme Egg,
能够进行花生MM豆
for the Peanut M&Ms process to start.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
通过巨大的橡皮蜥蜴
Send 1,500 pounds
转账1500英镑”
via a Giant Gummy Lizard.”
(掌声)
(Applause)
那可太逗了
And that was so much fun, right,
也让我想到:
that it got me thinking:
如果我花尽可能多的时间
like, what would happen if I just spent as much time as could
来回复尽可能多的垃圾邮件 会怎样呢?
replying to as many scam emails as I could?
而这正是我这三年
And that’s what I’ve been doing
所做的事情
for three years
都是为了你们
on your behalf.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
(掌声)
(Applause)
当你开始回复垃圾邮件时 疯狂的事情就会发生
Crazy stuff happens when you start replying to scam emails.
这真的很难
It’s really difficult,
但我极力推荐我们这么做
and I highly recommend we do it.
我不觉得我做的事情伤天害理
I don’t think what I’m doing is mean.
有很多人对诈骗犯做了很卑鄙的事情
There are a lot of people who do mean things to scammers.
我做的只是浪费他们的时间罢了
All I’m doing is wasting their time.
我觉得他们在我这里浪费时间
And I think any time they’re spending with me
也就没有时间去诈骗
is time they’re not spending scamming vulnerable adults
其他容易受骗的人了 没错吧?
out of their savings, right?
如果你要这么做的话—我极力推荐你
And if you’re going to do this — and I highly recommend you do —
去申请一个匿名邮箱
get yourself a pseudonymous email address.
不要用你自己的邮箱
Don’t use your own email address.
我一开始就是这么干的 简直就是噩梦
That’s what I was doing at the start and it was a nightmare.
我一早起床会收到上千封邮件
I’d wake up in the morning and have a thousand emails
都是关于壮阳药的
about penis enlargements,
仅仅只有一封
only one of which was a legitimate response —
(笑声)
(Laughter)
正经地回复了我的生理问题
to a medical question I had.
尽管如此 我还是要告诉你们
But I’ll tell you what, though, guys,
我要告诉你们:每一天都是美好的 每一天都是灿烂的
I’ll tell you what: any day is a good day, any day is a good day
如果你收到一封这样开头的邮件:
if you receive an email that begins like this:
(笑声)
(Laughter)
“我是温妮·曼德拉
“I AM WINNIE MANDELA,
前南非总统纳尔逊·曼德拉的第二任妻子
THE SECOND WIFE OF NELSON MANDELA THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT.”
我会说 噢 是那个温妮·曼德拉啊
I was like, oh! — that Winnie Mandela.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我认识很多个呢
I know so many.
“我需要4500万美金出国
“I NEED TO TRANSFER 45 MILLION DOLLARS OUT OF THE COUNTRY
因为我丈夫的身体欠佳”
BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND NELSON MANDELA’S HEALTH CONDITION.”
仔细想想吧
Let that sink in.
她给我发了这个 太搞笑了
She sent me this, which is hysterical.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
还有这个
And this.
这个看上去挺正式的 是一封授权的信
And this looks fairly legitimate, this is a letter of authorization.
说实在的 上面啥都没有 只是个图形来着
But to be honest, if there’s nothing written on it, it’s just a shape!
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我说:“温妮 对此我深表遗憾
I said, “Winnie, I’m really sorry to hear of this.
关于纳尔逊三个月前去世的消息
Given that Nelson died three months ago,
我会将他的健康状况描述地更严重些”
I’d describe his health condition as fairly serious.”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
你可以说他已经去世了
That’s the worst health condition you can have, not being alive.
她说:“请遵循我的银行家的指示 ”
She said, “KINDLY COMPLY WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
一份爱心”
ONE LOVE.”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我说:“当然 没有女人就没有哭声”
I said, “Of course. NO WOMAN, NO CRY.”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
(掌声)
(Applause)
她说:“我的银行家需要转账3000美元 一份爱心”
She said, “MY BANKER WILL NEED TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE.”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我说:“没问题
I said, “no problemo.
我把警长毙了”
I SHOT THE SHERIFF.”
[(但我没杀掉副警长)]
[ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ]
(笑声)
(Laughter)
谢谢大家
Thank you.
(掌声)
(Applause)

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视频概述

詹姆斯·维奇向你讲述回复一封垃圾邮件会发生什么爆笑的事情

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视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QdPW8JrYzQ

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