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一位精神分裂症患者心中的声音

The voices in my head | Eleanor Longden

我第一次离开家里到大学念书的那天
The day I left home for the first time
是个阳光明媚的日子
to go to university was a bright day
日子充满希望与乐观
brimming with hope and optimism.
我学业表现不错 大家对我期望颇高
I’d done well at school.Expectations for me were high,
我也满怀期待地投入大学生活
and I gleefully entered the student life
去上课 参加派对 还偷交通路标
of lectures, parties and traffic cone theft.
当然 事物不能只看表面
Now appearances, of course, can be deceptive,
某种程度上 像上课和偷路标这样的表象
and to an extent, this feisty, energetic persona
只是一种伪装
of lecture-going and trafficcone stealing was a veneer,
但我掩饰得很好 足以瞒过任何人
albeit a very well-craftedand convincing one.
可实际上 我内心既不快乐也不安
Underneath,I was actuallydeeply unhappy, insecure
甚至根本就是惧怕
and fundamentally frightened —
惧怕他人的目光 惧怕未来 惧怕失败
frightened of other people,of the future, of failure
也惧怕我内心的空虚感
and of the emptinessthat I felt was within me.
但我隐藏得很好 很高明
But I was skilled at hidingit, and from the outside
在他人眼里 我似乎对一切都充满期待与抱负
appeared to be someonewith everything to hope for and aspire to
这种刀枪不入的幻想是如此彻底
This fantasy of invulnerability was so complete
连我自己都信以为真
that I even deceived myself,
而随着第一学期结束 第二学期开始
and as the first semester ended and the second began,
谁也没有预料到
there was no way thatanyone could have predicted
将要发生的事
what was just about to happen.
那个声音开始出现的时候 我正要离开座谈会
I was leaving a seminar when it started,
我哼着歌 收拾着东西
humming to myself, fumbling with my bag
动作是一如既往的熟练
just as I’d done a hundred times before,
突然 我听到有个平静的声音:
when suddenly I heard a voice calmly observe,
“她要走了”
“She is leaving the room.”
我四下张望 但根本没人
I looked around, and there was no one there,
但那声音是如此果断清晰
but the clarity and decisiveness of the comment
我绝不会听错
was unmistakable.
我震惊极了 把书丢在阶梯上就匆匆回家
Shaken,I left my books on the stairs and hurried home,
但那声音紧随不舍
and there it was again.
“她在开门”
“She is opening the door.”
就是这样开始的 这个声音在我耳边响起
This was the beginning. The voice had arrived.
并且持续不断
And the voice persisted,
每天每星期地反复出现
days and then weeks of it, on and on,
以第三人称的语气叙述我做的一切
narrating everything I didin the third person.
“她要去图书馆了”
“She is going to the library.”
“她要去上课了”
“She is going to a lecture.”
这声音起初语气平静 毫无感情
It was neutral, impassive
过了一段时间 它甚至变得令人莫名熟悉与安心
and even, after a while, strangely companionate and reassuring,
但我发现 这声音看似平静 却时有异态
although I did notice that itscalm exterior sometimes slipped
有时也会不经意地反映出我隐藏的情绪
and that it occasionally mirroredmy own unexpressed emotion.
所以 举个例子
So, for example,
如果我很愤怒而且不得不隐藏它
if I was angry and had to hide it,
正如我经常做的一样
which I often did,
因为我能熟练地隐藏真实情感
being very adept at concealing how I really felt,
那么这声音就会听起来很气馁
then the voice would sound frustrated.
但其他时候 这声音还不至于阴森或恼人
Otherwise,it was neither sinister nor disturbing,
尽管这声音当时很明显地
although even at that point it was clear
想告诉我一些关于我情绪的东西
that it had something to communicate to me about my emotions,
尤其是那些深藏不露的情绪
particularly emotions which were remote and inaccessible.
那时我犯了一个大错
Now it was then that I made a fatal mistake,
我把听到声音的这事说给一位朋友听
in that I told a friend about the voice,
然后她吓坏了
and she was horrified.
就这样 一个制约过程悄然开始
A subtle conditioning process had begun,
她暗示说 正常人不会听到这种声音
the implication that normal people don’t hear voices
而我能听见声音 意味着事情很不对劲
and the fact that I did meant that something was very seriously wrong.
这种恐惧和疑虑是会传染的
Such fear and mistrust was infectious.
忽然那声音听来不再那么友善
Suddenly the voice didn’t seem quite so benign anymore,
我朋友坚决地劝我去看医生 于是我照做了
and when she insisted that I seek medical attention, I duly complied,
而事实证明 那是第二个错误
and which proved to be mistake number two.
我费了一些时间告诉校医
I spent some time telling the college G.P.
说出我认为的罪魁祸首:
about what I perceived to be the real problem:
焦虑 缺乏自信和对未来的恐惧
anxiety, low self-worth, fears about the future,
但对方既没兴趣 又毫不关心
and was met with bored indifference
直到我提到听见有人说话这件事
until I mentioned the voice,
他立刻放下手中的笔 转过头来
upon which he dropped his pen, swung round
开始饶有兴趣地问了我一些问题
and began to question me with a show of real interest.
说实话 我当时非常渴望关切和帮助
And to be fair, I was desperate for interest and help,
所以我就开始跟他讲那个奇怪评论员的事
and I began to tell him about my strange commentator.
那时 我总希望那个声音会说
And I always wish, at this point, the voice had said,
“她在自掘坟墓”
“She is digging her own grave.”
我被转介给精神科医生
I was referred to a psychiatrist,
同样地 他很严肃地对待我听得见声音这件事
who likewise, took a grim view of the voice’s presence,
他像戴着有色眼镜 认为我有精神异常
subsequently interpreting everything I said
并从这个角度解释我说的一切
through a lens of latent insanity.
例如 我是学生电视台的一员
For example, I was partof a student TV station
而电视台成员会在校园里播送新闻简报
that broadcast news bulletinsaround the campus,
因为有一次咨询超时了很久
and during an appointmentwhich was running very late,
我说“医生 很抱歉我得走了
I said,”I’m sorry,doctor, I’ve got to go.
我6点还要去播新闻”
I’m reading the news at six.”
结果诊断书上说
Now it’s down on my medicalrecords that Eleanor
我幻想自已是电视新闻主播
has delusions that she’s a televisionnews broadcaster.
从此 事情的发展迅速超出了我的掌控
It was at this point that events began to rapidly overtake me.
接着我住了院
A hospital admission followed,
第一批精神分裂的诊断也接踵而来
the first of many diagnosis of schizophrenia came next,
最糟糕的是 绝望感和屈辱感
and then, worst of all,a toxic, tormenting sense
折磨着我 摧残着我
of hopelessness, humiliation
以至于我感到前途一片灰暗
and despair about myself and my prospects.
但人们一直鼓励我
But having been encouragedto see the voice
把声音看作一种病症而非一种体验
not as an experience but as a symptom,
于是我越发地恐惧 越发地抗拒
my fear and resistancetowards it intensified.
本质上 这意味着要我与自己为敌
Now essentially, this represented taking
与自己的思想站在敌对的立场
an aggressive stance towards my own mind,
就像是心灵内战
a kind of psychic civil war,
结果我听到的怪声音反而变多了
and in turn this causedthe number of voices to increase
且逐渐衍生出敌意和威胁感
and grow progressivelyhostile and menacing.
无助与绝望的我开始自我封闭于
Helplessly and hopelessly,I began to retreat
这种噩梦般的内心世界中
into this nightmarish inner world
而在其中这些声音便注定成了
in which the voiceswere destined to become
加害我的人和我认为的唯一伙伴
both my persecutorsand my only perceived companions.
例如 那些声音告诉我
They told me, for example,
如果我能证明我值得它们帮助
that if I proved myself worthy of their help,
它们就可以让我的人生变回原来的样子
then they could change my life back to how it had been,
于是一连串日渐怪异的任务因此展开
and a series of increasingly bizarre tasks was set,
都是不容易应付的那种
a kind of labor of Hercules.
刚开始 还只是小意思
It started off quite small.
比如 拔下几搓头发
For example,pull out few strands of hair,
但逐渐变本加厉 走向极端
but gradually it grew more extreme,
以至于最后要我伤害自己
culminating in commands to harm myself,
还有一个很夸张的指示
and a particularly dramatic instruction:
“看见那助教没?
“You see that tutor over there?
看见那杯水了吗?
You see that glass of water?
快过去
Well,you have to go over
当着其他学生面 把水倒在他头上”
and pour it over him in front of the other students.”
我真的照做了
Which I actually did,
毋庸置疑 这件事让教职员开始讨厌我
and which, needless to say, did not endear me to the faculty.
实际上 恐惧 回避
In effect, a vicious cycleof fear, avoidance,
猜忌和误解的恶性循环已经形成
mistrust and misunderstandinghad been established,
但这是一场我无力抵抗的战争
and this was a battlein which I felt powerless
在这场战争中 我无法取得和平与和解
and incapable of establishingany kind of peace or reconciliation.
两年后 情况急剧恶化
Two years later,and the deterioration was dramatic.
至今 我经历过各种令人抓狂的事
By now, I had the wholefrenzied repertoire:
令人害怕的声音 丑陋的影像
terrifying voices, grotesque visions,
挥之不去的怪异幻象
bizarre, intractable delusions.
而我的心理健康状况
My mental health status had been a catalyst
让我饱受歧视与言语攻击
for discrimination, verbal abuse,
甚至被施以武力和性侵
and physical and sexual assault,
我的心理医生曾告诉我
and I’d been told by my psychiatrist,
“Eleanor 你若是得癌症 那还好
“Eleanor, you’d be better off with cancer,
因为相对于精神分裂 癌症还容易治疗些”
because cancer is easierto cure than schizophrenia.”
我已被诊断 被开药 被放弃
I’d been diagnosed, drugged and discarded,
且早已深受那些声音的折磨
and was by now so tormented by the voices
以至于我想在头上开个洞
that I attempted to drilla hole in my head
好把那些声音赶走
in order to get them out.
回首这些年的千疮百孔与绝望
Now looking back on the wreckageand despair of those years,
对于我来说
it seems to me now as if
就像当初的那个人已死
someone died in that place,
但另一个人获救了
and yet, someone else was saved.
那个伤痕累累又饱受折磨的人 开始那段旅程
A broken and hauntedperson began that journey,
现在已化身成幸存者出现
but the person who emerged was a survivor
而且最后将会成长
and would ultimately grow into the person
成为我命中注定的样子
I was destined to be.
在这一生 我被许多人伤害过
Many people have harmed me in my life,
而且我都历历在目
and I remember them all,
相较于受人恩惠
but the memories grow pale and faint
那些不堪回首的往事就显得苍白模糊了
in comparison with the peoplewho’ve helped me.
那些同病相怜的过来人
The fellow survivors,the fellow voice-hearers,
朋友和伙伴
the comrades and collaborators;
还有对我从未放弃希望的母亲
the mother who never gave up on me,
她知道女儿总有一天会恢复
who knew that one dayI would come back to her
而她愿意一直等下去
and was willing to wait for me
无论这会消磨多少岁月
for as long as it took;
那位和我萍水相逢的医生
the doctor who only workedwith me for a brief time
他坚信 我不仅可以康复
but who reinforcedhis belief that recovery
而且一定会康复
was not only possible but inevitable,
在我病情不断复发 令人心力憔悴的那段时间
and during a devastating period of relapse
他告诉我那极度惊恐的家人“别放弃希望!
told my terrified family,”Don’t give up hope.
我相信Eleanor能度过这关!
I believe that Eleanorcan get through this.
有时候在五月也会飞雪
Sometimes,you know, it snows as late as May,
但夏天终究会来!”
but summer always comes eventually.”
14分钟的时间太短太短
Fourteen minutes is not enough time
不足以让我去感谢那些支持我的人
to fully credit those good and generous people
他们与我并肩作战 为我挺身而出
who fought with me and for me
也盼着我从沉痛孤独中恢复过来
and who waited to welcome me back from that agonized, lonely place.
但他们共同铸就的勇气 创造力 正直
But together, they forged a blend of courage, creativity, integrity,
还有不动摇的信念
and an unshakeable belief
让原来支离破碎的我得以愈合 重新完整起来
that my shattered self couldbecome healed and whole.
我曾说这些人救了我
I used to say that these people saved me,
但我现在才明白 他们做了一些更重要的事
but what I now know is they did something even more important
那就是 他们不仅让我有力量去拯救我自己
in that they empowered me to save myself,
更重要的是 他们帮助我了解
and crucially, they helpedme to understand something
一件我过去始终怀疑的事:
which I’d always suspected:
我听到的声音 其实是对过去伤痛的有意义的反应
that my voices were a meaningful response to traumatic life events,
尤其是我的童年旧事
particularly childhood events,
这样说来 这声音不是我的敌人
and as such were not my enemies
而是一个机会 让我看清那些并非无解的情绪问题
but a source of insight into solvable emotional problems.
起初 这难以置信
Now,at first, this was very difficult to believe,
因为那声音中的敌意和威胁性 和其他种种原因
not least because the voices appeared so hostile and menacing,
既然如此 首要步骤就是
so in this respect, a vital first step
学会从我之前解读出来的意思中
was learning to separateout a metaphorical meaning
把隐含的意义分离出来
from what I’d previouslyinterpreted to be a literal truth.
比如 当我听到那声音威胁要袭击我家时
So for example, voiceswhich threatened to attack my home
我读出的是我对世界的恐惧和不安
I learned to interpret as my own senseof fear and insecurity in the world,
而非真正具体的危险
rather than an actual, objective danger.
如果回到当初 我会相信它们
Now at first, I would have believed them.
记得有一次 我彻夜不眠
I remember, for example,
守在我爸妈房间外来保护他们
sitting up one night on guardoutside my parents’ room to protect them
因为我确实认为这声音在威胁我
from what I thought was a genuinethreat from the voices.
鉴于在那之前我有自残的坏毛病
Because I’d had such a badproblem with self-injury
所以家里大部分的餐具都被藏起来
that most of the cutleryin the house had been hidden,
我只好拿一支塑料叉当武器
so I ended up arming myselfwith a plastic fork,
就是那种野餐用的
kind of like picnic ware,
然后坐在房门外
and sort of sat outside the room
紧握叉子 一旦有情况便立刻做出反应
clutching it and waiting to springinto action should anything happen.
那情形就像说“别惹我!
It was like,”Don’t mess with me.
我有塑料叉子 你难道不知道吗?”
I’ve got a plastic fork, don’t you know?”
这是我用的战术
Strategic.
但我随后的反应比较有效
But a later response,and much more useful,
我会尝试拆解言外之意
would be to try and deconstructthe message behind the words,
所以当声音警告我不要出门
so when the voices warnedme not to leave the house,
我会谢谢他们的提醒 让我注意到
then I would thank themfor drawing my attention
自己有多缺乏安全感
to how unsafe I felt —
因为如果我知道这些
because if I was aware of it,
我就可以积极面对问题
then I could do something positive about it —
但是继续去安抚这些声音和我自己
but go on to reassure both them and myself
我们很安全 不需要再感到恐惧了
that we were safe and didn’tneed to feel frightened anymore.
我会与这些声音划清界线
I would set boundaries for the voices,
但会以一种坚决而尊重的方式 试着与它们互动
and try to interact with them in a way that was assertive yet respectful,
并慢慢地与它交流 与它合作
establishing a slow process of communication and collaboration
这样我们才能学习一起工作与相互扶持
in which we could learn to work together and support one another.
经过这一切 最终我才恍然大悟
Throughout all of this,what I would ultimately realize
我听到的每个声音都与我的各方面紧密相关
was that each voice was closely related to aspects of myself,
而且每个声音
and that each of them
都带着丰沛而满溢的情绪
carried overwhelming emotions
只是我以前没机会应对他们 化解他们
that I’d never had an opportunity to process or resolve,
像是性创伤 性虐待
memories of sexual trauma and abuse,
愤怒 惭愧 罪恶感和妄自菲薄这些记忆
of anger, shame, guilt, low self-worth.
那些声音取代了这些记忆的伤痛
The voices took the place of this pain
并将伤痛表达了出来
and gave words to it,
其中最重要的启示之一也许是
and possibly one of the greatest revelations was
最具敌意和侵略性的声音
when I realized that the most hostile and aggressive voices
其实就代表着
actually represented the parts of me
我受伤最深的那部分
that had been hurt most profoundly,
如此 正是这些声音
and as such, it was these voices
需要被给予最多同情和关爱
that needed to be shownthe greatest compassion and care.
正是有了这些知识
It was armed with this knowledge
我最终才能拾起我自己破碎的部分
that ultimately I would gather together my shattered self,
也就是每一个由不同声音代表的碎片
each fragment representedby a different voice,
然后逐渐摆脱对药物的依赖
gradually withdraw from all my medication,
后来我又回到精神科 不过这次身份不一样了
and return to psychiatry, only thistime from the other side.
在声音第一次出现的10年后 我最终毕业了
Ten years after the voice first came,I finally graduated,
这次 我取得了母校最高的心理学学位
this time with the highest degree in psychology the university had ever given,
一年后 我也取得了最高硕士学位
and one year later, the highest Masters,
对一个疯女人而言 这已经很好了
which shall we say isn’t bad for a mad woman.
老实说 考试时我还听到报答案的声音
In fact, one of the voices actually dictated the answers during the exam,
这应该可以算是作弊吧!
which technically possibly counts as cheating.
[笑声]
(Laughter)
说实话 我有时还挺享受这种被关照的感觉
And to be honest, sometimes I quiteenjoyed their attention as well.
就像王尔德说的 唯一比被人议论更糟的事
As Oscar Wilde has said, the only thing worse than being talked about
就是不被人议论
is not being talked about.
这经验让我非常善于偷听人讲话
It also makes you verygood at eavesdropping,
因为我可以同时听两边的对话
because you can listento two conversations simultaneously.
所以这也没那么糟
So it’s not all bad.
我在心理健康部门工作过 也在多场研讨会上发表过演讲
I worked in mental health services, I spoke at conferences,
还出版过书籍还有学术论文
I published book chaptersand academic articles,
我会继续这样做 去争论
and I argued, and continue to do so,
接下来这个观念的重要性
the relevance of the following concept:
精神病诊断上的关键问题
that an important question in psychiatry
不应该是“你哪里不对劲?”而是“发生什么事了?”
shouldn’t be what’s wrong with you but rather what’s happened to you.
我始终倾听我内心的声音
And all the while,I listened to my voices,
并最终学会了与之共处
with whom I’d finally learnedto live with peace and respect
反过来 这也反映出
and which in turnreflected a growing sense
我越来越能同情 接纳和尊重自己
of compassion, acceptanceand respect towards myself.
记得最令我感动的特别时刻是
And I remember the most movingand extraordinary moment
帮助另一个被自己内心声音吓坏的年轻女性
when supporting another young womanwho was terrorized by her voices,
那是我首次真正意识到
and becoming fully aware,for the very first time,
我已不再有那种感觉了
that I no longer felt that way myself
而且最后还有能力帮助别人
but was finally able to helpsomeone else who was.
现在 我很荣幸成为 Intervoice 的一员
I’m now very proud to bea part of Intervoice,
它是“国际听声运动”的组织机构
the organizational body of the InternationalHearing Voices Movement,
这一计划受到了 Marius Romme 教授和 Sandra Escher 博士的研究的启发
an initiative inspired by the work of Professor Marius Romme and Doctor Sandra Escher
他们将“听到声音”视为一种生存策略
which locates voice hearing as a survival strategy,
一种在异常情境下的正常反应
a sane reaction to insane circumstances,
不是精神分裂症患者不得不忍受的症状
not as an aberrant symptomof schizophrenia to be endured,
而是一种复杂 重要且有意义的经历
but a complex, significantand meaningful experience
这种经历有待深入研究
to be explored.
我们共同正视并推动
Together,we envisage and enact a society
一个能理解尊重“听声者”的社会
that understandsand respects voice hearing,
支持每个听声者的需求
supports the needsof individuals who hear voices,
并把他们当作健全的公民看待
and which values them as full citizens.
这种社会不但是可能的
This type of society is not only possible,
而且已经逐渐形成
it’s already on its way.
正如 Chávez 想表达的
To paraphrase Chavez,
社会变迁一旦开始 便无法回头
once social change begins, it cannot be reversed.
自重之人不会为人所羞辱
You cannot humiliatethe person who feels pride.
无所畏惧之人 则不为人所压迫
You cannot oppress the people who are not afraid anymore.
对我来说 国际听声组织(IHVM)的成就
For me, the achievementsof the Hearing Voices Movement
提醒世人
are a reminder that
同情心 友情 正义和尊重胜过言语
empathy, fellowship, justice and respect are more than words;
它们是坚定的信念
they are convictions and beliefs,
而这种信念可以改变世界
and that beliefs can change the world.
在过去20年 国际听声组织
In the last 20 years,the Hearing Voices Movement
已在五大洲共26个国家
has established hearing voices networks
建立了听声网络
in 26 countries across five continents,
共同致力提升精神病患者的尊严 使其团结
working together to promotedignity, solidarity
而且使他们有力量
and empowerment for individualsin mental distress,
去创造富有希望的言语和实践
to create a new languageand practice of hope, which,
在它的核心存在着一个坚定不移的信念
at its very center,lies an unshakable belief
就是相信每个人的力量
in the power of the individual.
Peter Levine 曾说过
As Peter Levine has said, the human animal
人类是一种很特别的生物 与生俱来就有自愈能力
is a unique being endowed with an instinctual capacity to heal
和运用此天赋的智慧
and the intellectual spiritto harness this innate capacity.
从这方面来说 身为社会的一份子
In this respect, for members of society,
最荣幸的事
there is no greater honor or privilege
莫过于为他人促进这种疗愈过程
than facilitating that processof healing for someone,
去见证 去伸出援助之手
to bear witness, to reach out a hand,
并分担他的苦痛
to share the burdenof someone’s suffering,
还要坚信他们能够痊愈
and to hold the hope for their recovery.
同样地 我想对那些历尽磨难的人说
And likewise, for survivorsof distress and adversity,
记住 我们的生活不必因为过去的创伤
that we remember we don’thave to live our lives
而受到任何永久的影响
forever defined by the damagingthings that have happened to us.
我们是独一无二的 我们无可替代
We are unique. We are irreplaceable.
我们的内心不会真正地被占据 被扭曲
What lies within us cannever be truly colonized, contorted,
亦或被夺走
or taken away.
光明永存于我们内心
The light never goes out.
正如一位高明的医师曾对我说过
As a very wonderfuldoctor once said to me,
“不要把别人对你的看法告诉我”
“Don’t tell me what other peoplehave told you about yourself.
我要听听你怎么看待你自己
Tell me about you.”
谢谢!
Thank you.
[掌声]
(Applause)

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视频概述

在这个视频里,一个饱受精神分裂折磨的心理学家会告诉你,她所遭受的磨难,她如何战胜精神分裂,以及她和国际听声组织如何帮助他人

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

Everlasti

审核员

审核员B

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syjEN3peCJw

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