某天我去跟别人握手时
So the other day I went to shake
他们却伸出了一个拳头
someone ’ s hand and they went for a fistbump and then
然后当我打算击掌时 他们又将手伸回去变成了握手
I went for a high five and then they went back to a handshake.
好尴尬
Awkward.
我们都曾在摸索中
We ’ ve all fumbled,
不小心绊倒然后卷入某些相当尴尬的处境
tripped and rolled our way into some pretty awkward situations.
因此我想搞清楚为什么这些不舒服的处境会让我们感到尴尬
So I wanted to explore why these uncomfortable situations make us feel awkward.
结果有可能让我们很惊讶 尴尬也有好处
And it may come as a surprise that awkwardness can have benefits.
尴尬似乎可以马上触发多种情绪如焦虑 惊讶 害怕
The feeling of awkwardness seems to triggerseveral emotions at once: Anxiety, surprise, fear,
窘迫 迟疑
embarrassment, uncertainty.
但是最重要的是 它会让你感觉到难为情
But most importantly, it makes you feel self-conscious.
在《科学人》的专栏作者梅丽莎达尔的新书
In her new book, Cringeworthy:
怯懦：尴尬的理论
A Theory of Awkwardness, science journalist Melissa Dahl
中写到尴尬是带有不确定性的自我意识
suggests thatAwkwardness is when you suddenly become overly
因为你开始敏锐地发现
conscious of yourself, because you become acutely aware
你所认为的“自己”
that the “ you ” you perceive
和别人现在看到的你不同
of yourself is different from what othersare seeing.
这就是我们
It ’ s thought that our strong sense
强烈的自我感和社会意识的升级 因为我们有
of self and our social awareness evolved because we ’ re
强烈的社会属性
an extremely social species.
我们需要意识到
We needed to be aware
我们的公共认知 去了解我们该怎么表现才能适应
of our public perception to know how we should behave to fit in.
心理学家认为每个人心中都有两个自我
Psychologists think we construct two mentalpresentations of our “self.”
一个是真实的自己
One private self from within our own body,
另一个是别人
and another self that is perceived by others
认为的我们
from their point of view.
去猜想别人眼中的我们是什么样的这种能力
The ability to imagine ourselves from the point
很早就显现出来了
of view of others emerges early on.
在18个月大的时候 孩子们就能够从镜子里认出自己
Children start to recognize themselves in a mirror around the age of 18 months.
如果你将一张便签贴在了他们头上
If you put a sticky note on their head,
一旦他们从镜子中看见了
they immediately reach to remove it once they see
他们会很快把它撕掉
it in the mirror.
但孩子们不仅仅有自我的意识
But children are not just aware of themselves.
在这个时候 他们也开始注意到
Around this time, they seem to also form awareness
别人对他们的看法
of the awareness of other people about them
－协同感知
– co-awareness.
如果他们看到房间里
If they see that everyone else
每一个人头上都贴着一张便签 他们会开始犹豫
in the room has a sticky note on their faces, they hesitate
要不要撕掉自己的 这时候
to remove their own. Now,
他们的两个自我开始有一点
there ’ s always a little bit
矛盾
of discrepancy between these two selves.
这就是心理学家菲利普罗切特说的＂不可调和的差距＂
It’s what psychologist Philippe Rochat hascalled “the irreconcilable gap.”
我们永远无法调和我们对自我的感受
We can never quite reconcile how we feel
和我们所认为其他人的看法
about ourselves and how we feel others perceive us.
尴尬就发生在这种差距加大的时候
Awkward moments are when that gap is unusuallywidened.
想象你穿着宇航服
Imagine you walk into a room full
走进一个满是人的屋子 这时
of people and you’re dressed like an astronaut. Suddenly,
人们眼中的世界就分成了两个
the world divides in two:
一个是你自己 另一个是别人
it ’ s you on one side, and all the people on the
眼中的你
other side with their eyes on you.
尴尬就是每个人都身处其中的窘迫
Awkwardness is a type of embarrassment where everyone is in on it.
但出于礼貌 每个人又什么也不说
And everyone, politely, says nothing.
值得高兴的是
The good news is
我们常常认为我们受到的注意比实际上的要多
that we tend to believe we ’ re being noticed more than we actually are.
这就是＂聚光灯效应＂
This is called the spotlight effect.
有一个经典的实验
In a classic experiment,
研究人员让学生穿着印有
researchers made students wear a large shirt emblazoned with
马尼洛头像的T恤走进一个满是其他学生的教室
Barry Manilow ’ s face and walk into a room full of other students.
一会过后研究人员询问参与者认为有多少人注意到了他们
Later they asked the study participants how many people they think noticed them.
参与者估计有一半的人注意到了他们的T恤
The participants estimated on average half of the people noticed the shirt.
但事实上 只有四分之一的人注意到了他们
In reality, only a quarter had.
人们确实会注意你的穿着和行为
People do care about how you look and what you do,
但却没有你想的那么关注
but not as much as you think.
知道这一点能够帮助我们把注意力从自身移开
Knowing this little fact can help us shift our focus away
并且让尴尬的境地
from ourselves and make awkward
少一点痛苦的时刻
moments a bit less painful.
不关注自己也可以帮您解决一种尴尬的情形
Not focusing on yourself can also help you resolve an awkward situation.
想象一下你正进行着一段很不自在的谈话
Imagine you are in the middle of an uneasy conversation,
也许是跟一个你根本不记得
maybe with someone whose name
名字的人
you don’t remember.
你的大脑调节急剧跌落到焦虑的状态
Your brain’s default is to dive into a spiralof anxiety.
你开始担忧你该躲去哪
Now you worry about what you are going
该说什么 别人又该怎么评论你
to say next and how you ’ re going to be judged
还想知道为什么自己如此不擅社交
and wonder why you are so socially awkward.
但是这种担心只会让你的社交技能更差
But this makes your social skills even worse. Instead,
其实你可以反过来关心一下另一个人 问个问题或者其他的
focus on the other person, ask thema question, anything.
不用太过自省
Just stop being so introspective.
另一个克服尴尬期间
Another trick to overcome the rush
社会焦虑的激增的方法
of social anxiety during awkward moments is to reframe
是去重塑你的感受
your feelings.
焦虑意味着强烈的心理反应
Anxiety means strong physiological reactions:
心脏猛烈跳动，呼吸加速
your heart pounds, you breathe fast and your
肌肉紧绷
muscles are tense.
这些反应也会出现在你害怕 生气
These are the same reactions you feel when afraid or angry,
或者你的安全受到威胁的时候
when your safety is threatened.
当在一个社交情境中 你搞的乱七八糟时 你会有这些反应
And you feel these reactions when you mess up in a social situation.
你的大脑开始害怕打破太多社交规则
Your brain is evolved to fear breaking too many social rules
因为这会导致
because it can lead to social
社会排斥
rejection.
但还有另一种情绪有相同的心理反应 兴奋
But there’s also another emotion that hasthe same physiological reactions: excitement.
你可以把你体内的焦虑感重新解释为
You can reinterpret the feelings of your anxiety
兴奋 告诉自己
in your body as excitement by telling yourself
“我很激动”
“I am excited.”
这种方法叫做焦虑重评
It ’ s called anxiety reappraisal and it
它可以把你的心理状态从威胁的心态
can change your mental state from a threat mindset
改变成机会的心态
to an opportunity mindset.
实验表明当我们对那些 比如说
Experiments show that when we ’ re feeling nervous about, say,
卡拉OK唱歌或者公开演讲感到担心时
karaoke singing or public speaking,
那些把焦虑重新评估成兴奋的人
people who reappraise their anxiety
会比那些试图镇定的人
as excitement perform better than people who
表现的更好
try to calm down.
人们有不同程度的社交技能
People have varying degrees of social skills and some
并且一些人比其他人对于尴尬更敏感
of us are more sensitive to awkwardness than others.
这些主意能帮助我们更好的处理尴尬
While these ideas can help us handle awkwardness a
同时 给这种被忽视的情绪一个保障
bit better, it ’ s also important to
也很重要
give credit to this neglected emotion.
我们能意识到我们自己
It ’ s a good thing that we ’ re aware
关心别人怎么看待我们
of ourselves and care about how others perceive
这是好事
us.
感到尴尬能推动我们提高社交技能
Feeling awkward can push us to sharpen oursocial skills.
当我们察觉到其他人的尴尬时
And when we detect awkwardness in others,
它能够刺激我们的同感和怜悯
it can spur empathy and compassion in us.
尴尬能够通过交互的人类荒诞把我们连接起来
Awkwardness has the power to connect us throughmutual human ridiculousness.