我们常自以为已掌握了良好的社交技能
It can be easy to imagine that we possess reasonable social skills,
因为我们懂得怎么跟陌生人攀谈
because we know how to maintain a conversation with strangers and –
怎么时不时地逗得满桌宾朋哄堂大笑
every now and then – manage to make a whole table laugh.
但其实还有一个更加严峻的
But here’s a test far sterner than this,
考验总出其不意给我们使绊子
surprising in its ability to trip us up:
那就是 如何与素不相识的小孩子友好相处
the challenge of having a pleasant time with a child we don’t know.
理论上来讲 这种事情应该再简单不过了
Theoretically speaking, this should be so easy.
我们都是从孩子过来的
We were all once kids.
知道的东西比他们多得多
We know a great deal more than they do and –
而且在孩子们看来 大人们总是占着上风:
as far as they’re concerned – hold all the cards:
因为只要我们乐意
if we felt like it,
我们可以一次买26包小饼干 想几点睡觉就几点睡觉
we could buy 26 packets of biscuits and go to bed whenever we wanted.
但事实是 跟不熟悉的孩子相处会让你感觉莫名地困难
Yet, in reality, it’s strangely hard to be at ease around children we’re not already close to.
想象一下 你受邀到上司家里吃午饭
Imagine being invited around to your boss’s house for lunch
突然厨房里只剩下你跟上司10岁的儿子
and being left alone at the kitchen island with her
这小子脾气还不大好
moody ten-year-old son;
或者想象朋友把你带到游戏房
or being introduced into a playroom with two shy five-year-old girls,
让你见见他两个5岁的容易害羞的小姑娘
the children of a friend.
我们可能当下突然地就感觉舌头打结 不知所措
We may swiftly grow bewilderingly tongue-tied and inept.
究其原因 则是因为孩子们不懂
The reason is that children are unable to do
那些成年人跟人碰面时习以为常的
any of the normal things that ease social encounters
交际寒暄
between adult strangers.
他们不会礼貌地询问你最近在忙什么
They don’t ask polite questions about what we’ve been up to.
不在乎你过得怎么样
they have no feeling for our lives
你重视什么东西
or what might be important to us.
他们不看新闻也不关注天气
They don’t do the news or the weather.
不会过多地谈论自己和自己的兴趣爱好
And they can’t usually tell us much about themselves and their enthusiasms.
如果我们问他们为什么喜欢某个玩具或某部电影
If we ask them why they like a toy or a film,
他们总是茫然地回答你: 就是喜欢呀
they tend to look blank and say they just like it, that’s all.
所以 孩子们尽管讨人喜欢
So for all their sweetness,
但同时也给我们竖起了一堵高高的社交壁垒
children present formidable and fascinating barriers to social fluidity –
这就解释了 为什么他们能够成为
which is also why they are the greatest tests of
测试你是否掌握了魅力与友好这门艺术的终极考验
one’s mastery of the arts of charm and kindness.
纵观文化历史
We have – across cultural history –
确实有一些成年人与儿童友好相处的例子
a few moving examples of accomplished adults getting on well with children.
蒙田曾经说过 他认为苏格拉底
Montaigne remarked that he found ‘nothing more notable’ in the life of Socrates
(西方哲学的启蒙者)的一生中
(the man who more or less began Western philosophy)
最耀眼的莫过于他与孩子们相处的天赋
than that he was exceptionally gifted at playing with children –
这一情况在他晚年尤为明显
and would, especially in his later years,
他花了大量时间与孩子们相处 驮着他们嬉戏
spent many hours playing games and giving them piggy-backs.
“他自己也乐在其中” 蒙田补充道
‘And it suited him well,’ added Montaigne,
“哲学认为 一个伟人所有的行为
‘for all actions, says philosophy,
都是他之所以伟大的原因”
equally become and equally honor a wise man.’
于1589到1610年在位的亨利四世
Henri IV, King of France from 1589 to 1610
被认为是法国历史上最善良的君主之一
is remembered as one of the most benign French monarchs
而他恰好也与孩子们相处得非常好
who also happened to be very sweet around children.
画家安格尔曾用画笔记录下著名的一幕
On one occasion, famously painted by Ingres,
一日 西班牙大使前来参见
the Spanish Ambassador came to see the king
碰见亨利正扮作一匹马供他的孩子骑行玩耍
and found him pretending to be a horse for his children to ride on.
但亨利并没有当场中断与孩子们的游戏
Rather than interrupt the game immediately,
而是要求大使多等片刻
Henri kept the Ambassador waiting a little while,
他的行为给我们释放了一种强烈的信号
sending out a strong signal of
他认为在某些时刻 成年人是应当给孩子让步的
where he felt sensible adult priorities should sometimes lie.
最令人动容的是
What’s touching in these cases
这两个故事中的主人公 都没有在孩子们面前
is that the adults did not insist on using their obvious,
坚持摆出他们明显的 为社会认可的身份
socially-endorsed strengths around children.
苏格拉底没有总是选择演说他的形而上学
Socrates did not opt to deliver lectures about metaphysics,
亨利四世也没有一直冷漠地坐在王座上指点江山
Henri IV did not sit impassively on a throne discussing how to rule a kingdom.
他们把为人熟知的尊贵和权威放在一旁
They put aside their well-known virtue
只是为了让自己看起来显得弱势一些
and prestige in order to make themselves vulnerable
而这正是在友谊岌岌可危时每个人都应当采取的做法
– as one must whenever friendship is at stake.
他们并不畏惧将自己置于舆论的枪口下
They dared to lay themselves open to attack
被人打上“愚蠢” 或是“有失体统”的标签
by those who might have described them as ‘silly’ or ‘undignified’,
他们心里明白 产生友谊的先决条件是
implicitly understanding that friendship can only emerge
互相将自己脆弱和不加修饰的一面
when we let the fragile, unadorned parts of us meet –
不带任何技巧地 展示在对方面前
without artifice – the fragile, unadorned parts of others.
此外 这两位伟人还懂得如何
Furthermore, these two grand men knew how to find common ground
在与自己迥然不同的人身上找到共同点
with creatures who were, in so many respects, entirely alien to them.
在思想上奉行天下大同的人
Cosmopolitans of the mind,
他们寻找的 是可以让人们走到一起的东西
they imaginatively searched for what unites
而不总是关注人与人之间的差异
rather than what divides people
他们能够
and were able to locate,
在自己的内心深处挖掘出
somewhere within their characters,
我们初到这个世界时才拥有的那种快乐
joys and excitements of someone who’s only been on earth a few years.
真正的社交达人知道每个人都拥有
The socially-adept know that we contain
(即使份量不多 而且还是以胚胎形式的存在的）
(even if only in trace, embryonic forms)
所有人类的特质
all human possibilities within us,
从中他们可以找到一条
which they draw upon to feel their way
与陌生人的需求或观点产生共鸣的道路
into the needs and points of view of strangers.
所以 自信大方的人
So even if they happen to be confident,
也可以知道如何与羞怯的人打交道
they will know how to be in touch with the more timid version of themselves;
衣食无忧的人
even if they are the financially secure,
也能体会到
they can mobilise their own experience of anxiety
经济窘迫者焦虑的精神世界
to enter into the inner world of someone beset by money worries;
事业受阻的人
and even if their careers have not gone well,
也能不带丝毫痛楚地
they can, without bitterness,
在心底种下渴望成功的种子
find a part of themselves that would love to prosper and
并且带着这种渴望 和事业有成的人热情地交流
use this to engage warmly with someone whose professional life has gone very well indeed.
这两位伟人与孩子们的相处方式
The moves that these grand people made with kids
正是我们应当运用在人际交往中的
are ones we should all learn how to make with anyone,
不论对方是多大的年纪
of whatever age we want to bond with.
特别要记得的是 这些趴在地上学小马逗孩子们开心的
But it’s particularly useful that these were grand people
是两个历史上的伟人
who made neighing sounds,
因为在交往时 常常让我们打退堂鼓的
for what so often holds us back around others,
或是在深入了解时 让我们热情顿失的原因
and makes us cold when we deep down long to be close,
正是我们对于面子的在乎
is a fear of a loss of dignity.
让友谊驱散你的孤独
Friendship begins, and loneliness can end,
只要你有心给别人留下深刻印象
when we cease trying to impress,
并且敢于踏出你看似体面的社交安全区
have the courage to step outside our safety zones
也不介意让自己偶尔看起来有一些些愚蠢的话
and can dare – for a time – to look a little ridiculous.
你知道吗 生命学院开办实体学校啦
Did you know that The School Of Life is actually a place?
而且有10个哦
10 places in fact,
我们的学校遍布全球 从墨尔本到伦敦
campus’ all over the world from Melbourne to London,
从台北到伊斯坦布尔
Taipei to Istanbul,
我们有教室 课本 还有很多很多东西
with classes and books and lots more.
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Please click the link below to explore more.