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掌握人生最大转变的秘诀

The Secret to Mastering Life's Biggest Transitions | Bruce Feiler | TED

I used to have a saying that phone calls don’t change your life.
我曾经认为一个电话不会改变你的生活
Until one day I got a phone call that did.
直到有一天我接到一个电话
It was from my mother.
是我母亲打来的
“Your father is trying to kill himself.”
“你父亲想自杀”
He’s what?
他想干什么?
My dad was a son of the American South,
我父亲出生于美国南部
a Navy veteran and civic leader,
一位海军老兵和市领导
he was never depressed a minute.
他从来没有沮丧过
Until he got Parkinson’s.
直到他得了帕金森症
Six times in 12 weeks,
12周内有6次
my dad attempted to end his life.
我爸爸试图结束他的生命
We tried every solution imaginable,
我们尝试所有可行的方法
until one day I had a thought.
直到有一天我灵光一现
Maybe my dad needed a spark to restart his life story.
也许我爸爸需要火花来重启他的人生故事
One morning I sent him a question.
一天早上 我问了他一个问题
“Tell me about the toys you played with as a child.”
“和我说说你小时候玩过的玩具”
What happened next changed not only him,
接下来发生的事情不仅改变了他
but everyone around him,
也改变了他周围的人
and led me to reimagine how we all make meaning,
并且使我们反思如何创造
purpose and joy in our lives.
人生中的意义 目标和快乐
This is the story of what happened next
接下来的故事
and what we all can learn from it.
我们将从中学会很多
I want you to stop for a second
我想让你停一下
and listen to the story going on in your head.
听听你脑子里正在发生的故事
It’s there, somewhere, in the background.
它就在那里 在不显眼的某个地方
It’s the story you tell others when you first meet them,
这是你与别人初次见面时告诉他们的故事
the story you tell yourself every day.
你每天告诉自己的故事
It’s the story of who you are,
这是关于你是谁的故事
where you came from, where you’re going.
你从哪里来 要去哪里
It’s the story of your life.
这是你生命的故事
What we’ve learned from a generation of brain research
我们从一代人的大脑研究中了解到
is that story isn’t just part of us.
故事不只是我们的一部分
It is us in a fundamental way.
从根本上说 这就是我们
Life is the story you tell yourself.
人生就是你讲述的自己的故事
But there’s something that research hasn’t much answered.
但还有一些问题 研究没有回答
What happens when we misplace the plot of that story,
当我们把故事情节放错位置会发生什么
when we get sidetracked by a pitfall, a pothole, a pandemic?
当我们被陷阱 坎坷 流行病干扰时?
What happens when we feel burned out and need a fresh start?
当我们力竭 要全新开始时会怎么样?
What happens when our fairy tales go awry.
如果我们的童话出了岔子会怎么样
That’s what happened to my dad that fall,
我父亲就是这样陷进去的
to me around that time,
对我来说
to all of us at one time or another.
对我们所有人来说
We get stuck in the woods and can’t get out.
我们被困在树林里出不去了
This time, though, I wanted to learn how to get unstuck.
不过 这一次 我想研究如何摆脱困境
Like my dad, I was born in the American South.
和我父亲一样 我出生在美国南部
And for years I had what I now think of as a linear life.
多年来 我过着我现在所认为的线性生活
I went to college, I started writing,
我上了大学 开始写作
I did it for no money for a while, I had some success,
无偿工作一段时间 我取得了一些成功
I got married and had children.
我结婚生子了
But then in my 40s, I was just walloped by life.
但在我40多岁的时候 我被生活打击了
First I got cancer as a new dad of identical twin daughters.
首先 在刚拥有双胞胎女儿时得了癌症
Then I almost went bankrupt.
后来我差点破产
Then my dad had that suicide spree.
然后我爸爸也有自杀倾向
For a long time, I felt shame and fear about these events.
很长一段时间里 我对这些感到羞耻恐惧
I didn’t know how to tell that story.
我不知道该怎么讲那个故事
I didn’t want to tell that story.
我不想讲那个故事
When I did,
当我讲的时候
I discovered that everyone feels their life has been upended in some way.
我发现大家都觉得人生发生了某些颠覆
That their life is somehow off-schedule, off-track, off-kilter.
他们的人生偏离了计划 轨道和平衡
That the life they’re living is not the life they expected.
他们的生活并不是他们想要的
That they’re living life out of order.
他们的生活没有秩序
I wanted to do something to help.
我想做点什么来帮忙
Over three years, I crisscrossed the country,
在过去的三年里 我走遍了整个国家
collecting what became hundreds of life stories of Americans
在所有50个州 收集了数百个
in all 50 states.
美国人的生活故事
People who lost homes, lost limbs, changed careers, changed genders,
那些失去家园和肢体 改变职业与性别的人
got sober, got out of bad marriages.
戒了酒 摆脱糟糕婚姻的人
In the end, I had 1,000 hours of interviews,
最后 我有了1000个小时的谈话
6,000 pages of transcripts.
6000页的报告
With a team of 12,
靠一个12人的团队
I then spent a year coding these stories
我花了一年的时间为
for 57 different variables,
57个不同的分类编写这些故事
looking for patterns that could help all of us in times of change.
寻找能在变革时期帮助我们所有人的模式
I called this “The Life Story Project.”
我称之为“生命故事计划”
And here’s what I learned.
以下是我研究到的
Lesson number one.
第一个教训
The linear life is dead.
线性的生活方式已经结束了
The idea that we’re going to have one job, one relationship,
那种认为从青春期到老年生活中
one source of happiness from adolescence to assisted living
我们只有一份工作 一段感情 一种幸福来源的
is hopelessly outdated.
想法已经过时了
What’s more, that idea turns out to be a historical anomaly.
更重要的是 这被证明是历史反常现象
Though we don’t talk about it nearly enough,
虽然我们对它的研究还不够
the way we look at the world affects how we look at our lives.
但我们如何看待世界影响我们如何看待生活
In the ancient world, they didn’t have linear time.
在古代 人们没有线性时间
They thought life was a cycle because agriculture was a cycle.
人们认为人生是循环 因为农业也是循环
In the Middle Ages, they thought life was a staircase up to middle age,
在中世纪 人们认为人生是通往中年的阶梯
then down.
然后走下坡路
That’s no new love at 60,
不会在60岁遇到新欢
no retiring and opening an Airbnb at 70.
不会在70岁退休的时候开爱彼迎
Not until 150 years ago did we adopt the idea
直到150年前 我们才认为
that life precedes in a series of stages, like an industrial factory.
人生有一系列的阶段 就像一个工业工厂
Freud’s psychosexual stages,
弗洛伊德的性心理阶段
Erikson’s eight stages of moral development,
埃里克森的道德发展的八个阶段
the five stages of grief.
悲伤的五个阶段
These are all linear constructs.
这些都是线性结构
This model peaks in the 1970s
这种在20世纪70年代达到顶峰的模式
with the idea that everyone does the same thing in their 20s,
认为每个人在他们20多岁
the same thing in their 30s,
30多岁都会做同样的事情
then has a midlife crisis between 39 and 44 and a half.
然后在39岁到44岁半之间出现中年危机
It is hard to overstate how powerful this idea was.
这一观念已经深入人心
There’s only one problem.
只有一个问题
It’s not true.
这不是真的
Today, we’ve updated how we look at the world.
今天 我们更新了我们看待世界的方式
We understand there’s chaos and complexity and networks,
我们知道有混乱 复杂和网络
but we haven’t updated how we look at our lives.
但我们并没有更新我们看待生活的方式
That leads to lesson number two.
这就引出了第二个教训
The non-linear life involves many more life transitions.
非线性生活包括更多的人生转变
I went through every interview I conducted
我检查了所有的谈话记录
and made a master list of all the ways our lives get redirected.
还列了一张记录我们所有人生转变的清单
I call these events disruptors.
我称这些事件为“破坏者”
The total number was 52,
总共有52个
so I created the Deck of Disruptors.
所以我创造了破坏者牌
Some of them are small, like breaking your ankle or a fender bender.
有些是小事故 比如脚踝骨折或小车祸
Some of them are large, like losing your job or moving.
有些是大问题 比如失业或搬家
The average person goes through three dozen disruptors
在他们的一生中 平均每个人
in the course of their lives.
要经历36次转变
That’s one every 12 to 18 months.
每12到18个月经历一次
Most of these we get through with relative ease,
其中大部分我们都能轻松应对
but one in 10 becomes what I call a lifequake,
但十分之一会变成我所说的“生命地震”
a massive burst of change that leads to a period of upheaval,
一场巨大的变革带来了
transition and renewal.
一段动荡 过渡和复兴的时期
The average person goes through three to five of these events
一般人会经历三到五次这样的事件
in the course of their lives, their average length five years.
在人们的一生中 一次转变平均持续5年
Do the math, and that means we spend 25 years,
算一下 这意味着我们要花25年
half our adult lives, in transition.
我们一半的成年生活 都在转变中
And make no mistake,
不出意外的话
these events do not clump exclusively in middle age.
这些事件不会只聚集在中年时期
Some people are born into lifequakes.
有些人出生就经历变革
Some people have them in their 20s or their 60s.
有些人要到20多岁或者60多岁
Forget the midlife crisis,
忘了中年危机吧
we all face the whenever-life crisis.
我们无时无刻都面临着人生危机
But here’s what causes so much anxiety.
但这就是造成如此多焦虑的原因
We still expect our lifequakes
我们仍然希望这些生活变革
to unfold on a predictable timetable,
犹如时间表一样可以预测
like birthdays that end in zero.
就像每十年过的生日
We’re all still haunted by the ghost of linearity.
我们仍然被线性生活的幽灵所困扰
We think our life is going to be linear;
我们认为人生将是线性的
we’re unnerved when it’s not.
如果不是 我们便焦虑不安
We’re comparing ourselves to an ideal that no longer exists
我们把自己和已经不存在的理想作比较
and beating ourselves up for not achieving it.
并为没有实现目标而自责
The pandemic has made this only worse.
疫情的流行使情况更糟
I craft every lifequake on two poles:
我想人生转变有两个极点
voluntary and involuntary, personal and collective.
自愿与非自愿 个人与集体
A mere eight percent of lifequakes are collective involuntary.
只有8%的人生转变是集体非自愿的
A collective involuntary lifequake is a natural disaster or a recession.
集体非自愿的人生转变指天灾或经济衰退
What’s unique about this moment in time?
在这一时期有什么独特之处呢?
The entire planet for the first time in a century
整个地球第一次 在一个世纪以来
is going through the same collective involuntary lifequake
在同一时间经历了同样的
at the same time.
集体非自愿的生命地震
Every single one of us is in transition.
我们每个人都在转变
And yet no one is teaching us how to master these times.
但没人教我们怎么主宰这些时期
Which leads to lesson number three.
这就引出了第三个教训
Life transitions are a skill we can and must master.
人生转变是我们可以也必须掌握的技能
What I’d like to do for you today
我今天想为你做的事
is to give you five tips based on my research
是根据我的研究给你五个
for how to master a life transition.
如何掌握人生转变的建议
Tip number one,
第一个建议
begin with your transition superpower.
从你的超强的过渡能力开始
One way to think about a lifequake is as a physical blow.
我们可以把人生转变看作是物理上的打击
Life put us on our heels,
生活让我们疲于奔命
the life transition puts us back on our toes.
人生的转变让我们重新振作起来
And yet most of us, when we enter one, feel completely overwhelmed.
然而 大多数人面对转变会不知所措
We either make a 212 item to-do list
我们要么列一张212项的清单
and say we’ll get through it in a weekend,
说我们会在一个周末克服它
or we lie in a fetal position and say we’ll never get through it.
要么像胎儿一样躺着 说我们永远撑不过去
Both of them are wrong.
这两个方式都错了
Look at enough of these and certain patterns become clear.
了解了这些 某些模式就变得清晰起来
For starters, life transitions have three phases.
首先 人生转变有三个阶段
I call them the long goodbye,
我把它们称为漫长的告别
when you mourn the past that’s not coming back;
你为无法回来的过去而悲伤的阶段
the messy middle,
凌乱的过程
when you shed certain habits and create new ones;
你改掉某些习惯并养成新习惯的阶段
and the new beginning, where you unveil your new self.
新的开始 你展现全新的自己的阶段
But here’s the key: counter to a century of thinking,
但关键在于:与一个世纪以来的思考相反
these phases do not happen in order.
这些阶段不是按顺序发生的
Just as life is non-linear,
就像人生是非线性的
life transitions are non-linear too.
人生的转变也是非线性的
Instead, each of us gravitates to the phase we’re best at,
相反 我们都会倾向于自己最擅长的阶段
our transition superpower,
就是自己的转变“超能力”
and gets bogged down in the phase we are weakest at,
然后在我们最弱的阶段陷入困境
our transition kryptonite.
此时我们的“超能力”失效了
Half of us, for example, don’t like the messy middle.
例如 有一半人不喜欢凌乱的过程
But some of us excel at that.
但一些人擅长于此
Maybe you’re good at making lists and analyzing your options.
也许你擅长列清单和分析你的选择
Perfect, start there.
很好 那就从这里开始
Four in 10 of us don’t like the long goodbye.
十分之四的人不喜欢漫长的告别
Maybe we’re people pleasers
也许我们是讨好人格
or we are uncomfortable in difficult situations.
或者我们在困境下感到不舒服
But others thrive like that.
但也有人在其中茁壮成长
Perfect, start there.
很好 你就从这开始
The point is, transitions are difficult.
关键是 转变是困难的
Begin with your superpower,
从你自己的超能力开始
build confidence, move on from there.
建立信心 然后继续前进
Tip number two, accept your emotions.
第二条 接受你的情绪
In addition to three phases,
三个阶段之外
I identified seven tools for how we navigate a life transition.
我还确定了如何度过人生转折的七个方法
Beginning with:
起始阶段是:
accept that it’s an emotional experience.
接受这是一种情感体验
I looked hundreds of people in the eye and asked,
我曾看着数百人的眼睛问
“What’s the biggest emotion you struggled with
“在你的转变期间你最纠结的
during your time of change?”
情绪是什么?”
The number one answer?
第一个答案是什么?
Fear.
恐惧
“How am I going to get through this?”
“我要怎么熬过去?”
“How am I going to pay my bills?”
“我怎么支付我的账单?”
Number two, sadness.
第二个答案 悲伤
“I miss my loved one.”
“我想我的爱人”
“I miss being able to walk.”
“我怀念能走路的日子”
Number three, shame.
第三个答案 羞愧
“I’m ashamed I have to ask for help.”
“我很惭愧 我不得不寻求帮助”
“I’m ashamed of what I did when I drank too much.”
“我为自己喝多了所做的事感到羞愧”
Now some of us cope with these emotions by writing them down.
现在有些人处理情绪的办法就是将其写下来
Others, like me, buckle down and push through.
而其他人 比如我 则全力以赴 奋力前行
But 80 percent of us, 80, turn to rituals.
但我们80%的人 80% 按照惯例
We sing, dance, hug.
我们唱歌 跳舞 拥抱
After Maynard Howell left his job in big pharma to open a gym,
梅纳德·豪尔离开大制药公司去开健身房后
he tattooed “breathe” on his right hand and “happy” on his left.
他在右手纹了“呼吸” 左手纹了“快乐”
“I knew I couldn’t go back to my corporate job once I did that,” he said.
他说:“我知道一旦这么做 就不能回到公司了”
(Laughter)
(笑声)
Lisa Ray Rosenberg had a horrible year in which she lost her job,
丽莎·雷·罗森格经历了可怕的一年 她失业了
had a falling out with her mother and went on 52 first dates.
和她妈妈闹翻了 并约会了52次
“I knew I needed a change,” she said.
她说 “我知道我需要改变”
Her biggest fear, heights.
她最大的恐惧是恐高
So she jumped out of an airplane.
所以她从飞机上跳了下来
A year later,
一年之后
she was married with a child.
她结婚了 有一个孩子
Rituals like these are effective in the long goodbye of a transition
在转变的漫长告别中 这样的办法是有效的
because they are messages to ourselves and those around us
因为这能够告知我们自身和周边的人
that I’m going through a difficult time,
我们正在渡过一段艰难的时期
and I’m ready for what comes next.
我已经准备迎接接下来的挑战了
Tip number three, try something new.
第三点 尝试新事物
The messy middle is messy.
凌乱的过程是混乱的
It’s disheartening and disorienting.
这让人沮丧和迷失方向
Now what?
那该怎么办呢?
My data show we do two things during our time in the wilderness.
我的数据显示我们在野外会做两件事
First, we shed things: mindset, routines, habits.
首先 我们舍弃了一些东西:心态 套路 习惯
Like animals who molt, we cast off parts of our personality.
就像动物蜕皮一样 我们也褪去了一些个性
Jeffrey Spar, who has OCD,
患有强迫症的杰弗里·斯帕
had to shed his reliance on a regular paycheck
不得不摆脱对固定工资的依赖
when he left his family’s business to open a nonprofit
他离开家族企业 开了一家非盈利机构
that works with art therapy.
这和艺术疗法是一样的
Lee Wint, an executive who went through cancer,
李·温特 一位同时经历
divorce and a career change all at the same time,
癌症 离婚和职业转变的高管
had to shed her habit that whenever she walked in the door,
必须改掉她每次走进家门
she would open the fridge.
就会打开冰箱的习惯
She lost 60 pounds.
她瘦了60磅
Shedding allows us to make space for what comes next,
断舍离让我们为接下来的事情腾出空间
which is astonishing acts of creativity.
这是惊人的创造力
At the bottom of our lives,
在我们人生的最深处
we dance, sing, garden, take up ukulele.
我们跳舞 唱歌 园艺 练习尤克里里
Army Sergeant Zach Herrick had his face blown off by the Taliban.
陆军中士扎克·赫里克的脸被塔利班炸了
31 surgeries between his nose and his chin.
在鼻子和下巴之间做了31次手术
He experienced suicide ideation.
他有过自杀的想法
Then, at the suggestion of his mom,
然后 根据他妈妈的建议
he started to cook.
他开始做饭
Then to write poetry, and then to paint.
然后写诗 然后画画
“I used to get out my hostility by splattering the enemy with bullets,”
“我以前常用射击敌人来发泄我的敌意”
he told me.
他和我说
“Now I get out my hostility by splattering the canvas with paint.”
“现在我用画画来发泄我的敌意”
What was the biggest cliche at the beginning of the pandemic?
疫情之初最老生常谈的是什么?
Baking.
用火烧
We’re going to sour dough our way through it.
我们要用酸来杀死它
I may have been the least surprised person because the simple act of imagining
我可能是最冷静的人 因为
that loaf of bread or a painting or a poem
想象一块面包 一幅画或一首诗的简单行为
allows us to imagine we can create a new self.
让我们想象我们可以创造一个新的自己
Tip number four, seek wisdom from others.
秘诀四 从他人身上寻求智慧
Perhaps the most painful part of a life transition
这也许是人生转折中最痛苦的部分
is that you feel isolated and alone.
你感到孤立和孤独
In fact, one under-discussed reason for the rise of loneliness
随着人生转折次数增加 我们也会越来越孤独
is the rise in the number of life transitions we all face.
这一点是多数人没有讨论到的
Which is why it’s essential that you not be alone,
所以 不要孤身一人
that you share your experience with others.
去与他人分享你的人生经验吧
Could be a friend, a neighbor, a loved one, even a stranger.
可能是朋友 邻居 爱人 甚至是陌生人
But here’s the key.
但关键就在这里
Not everyone craves the same type of response.
不是每个人都渴望得到同样的回应
Each of us has what I call a phenotype of feedback.
我们每个人都有 我称为的反馈表现
A third of us like comforters.
三分之一的人喜欢安慰
“I love you, Suzy, you’ll get through it.”
“我爱你 苏西 你会挺过去的”
A quarter of us like nudgers.
四分之一的人喜欢劝说
“I love you, John,
“我爱你 约翰
but maybe you should try this, maybe you should do that.”
也许你应该试试这个 你应该做那个”
But one in six of us like slappers.
但六分之一的人喜欢给予警告
“I love you, Anna, but get over yourself, it’s time to do this.”
“我爱你 安娜 但别自以为是了 是时候这么做了”
The key point is,
关键是
don’t assume that the other person likes the same type of response.
不要假设对方也喜欢同样的回应
Ask before you advise.
三思而后行
And that leads to tip number five.
这就引出了第五条建议
Rewrite your life story.
改写你的人生故事
A life transition is fundamentally a meaning-making experience.
从根本上说 人生转变是一种有意义的经历
It’s what I like to call an autobiographical occasion
这就是我所谓的自传性情况
in which we are called on to revisit,
我们被要求重新审视
rewrite and retell our life story,
改写和复述我们的人生故事
adding a new chapter for what we learned during the lifequake.
为我们人生转变的经历增加了新的篇章
That’s what happened with my dad.
我爸爸就是这样
After I sent that first question about the toys he played with,
在我问了第一个关于他玩的玩具的问题后
he wrote a story about model airplanes I had never heard before,
他写了一个我从未听过的飞机模型的故事
even though he couldn’t even use his fingers at the time.
尽管他当时连手指都不能动
I sent another, “Tell me about the house you grew up in.”
我又问了一个 “说说你长大的房子吧”
Then another, “How did you join the Navy?”
然后另一个 “你怎么加入海军的?”
“How did you meet Mom?”
“你是怎么认识妈妈的?”
Until just this week,
直到这周
eight years after that first question,
在第一个问题提出8年后
my dad,
我的爸爸
who never wrote anything longer than a memo,
他从没写过超过一个备忘录长的记录
completed a 65,000-word memoir.
却完成了65000字的回忆录
One question,
一个问题
one story,
一个故事
one life-affirming memory at a time.
每次留下一段肯定生活的记忆
That is the power of storytelling.
这就是讲故事的力量
And it’s a reminder that no matter how bleak your story gets,
它提醒我们 不管你的故事有多悲惨
you cannot give up on the happy ending.
你不能放弃美好的结局
You control the story you tell about yourself,
你掌控着你自己的故事
even the most painful parts of yourself.
即使是你内心最痛苦的部分
And that’s why it’s so critical
这就是为什么
that we re-imagine life transitions,
重新想象人生转变是这么重要
that we see them not as a miserable times
我们不认为这是一个痛苦的时期
we have to grit and grind our way through,
我们必须坚持下去
but we see them for what they are.
我们看到了它们的本质
Healing times that take the wounded parts of our lives
这治愈了我们生命中受伤的部分
and begin to repair them.
并开始修复它们
The Italians have a wonderful expression for this:
意大利人对此有一个很好的表达:
“Lupus in fabula.”
“童话中的大灰狼”
The wolf in the fairytale.
童话中的狼
Just when life is going swimmingly,
就在生活一帆风顺的时候
along comes a demon, a dragon, a downsizing, a pandemic.
恶魔 恶龙 裁员 瘟疫接踵而至
Just when our fairy tale seems poised to come true,
就在我们的童话即将成真的时候
a wolf shows up and threatens to destroy it.
一只狼出现了 威胁要摧毁它
And that’s OK.
不必惊慌
Because if you banish the wolf, you banish the hero.
因为如果你驱逐了狼 你就驱逐了英雄
And if there’s one thing I learned,
如果说我学到了什么
we all need to be the hero of our own story.
我们都需要成为自己故事中的英雄
That’s why we have fairy tales, after all.
这就是为什么我们有童话
And why we tell them year after year,
为什么我们年复一年地讲述它们
bedtime after bedtime.
年复一年 夜复一夜
They turn our nightmares into dreams.
它们把我们的噩梦变成了美梦
Thank you.
谢谢大家

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视频概述

每个人的人生都会面临转变,一个因父亲患帕金森想自杀而走向探寻如何面对人生转变的儿子,分享在研究大量案例后总结出的面临我们人生转变的方法。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

挥汗如雨

审核员

审核员XY

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICxYOe54Zx4

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