During romantic or passionate love,
在一段浪漫或富有激情的恋爱中
you’re gonna feel the sense of being addicted to your partner.
你会对你的爱人产生迷恋
People who are madly in love can
有些人在爱情中很疯狂
fall madly in love with somebody who’s married, who lives on the other side of the planet,
他们疯狂地爱上已婚人士 爱上地球另一端的人
who comes from a different religion.
爱上不同信仰的人
And somehow, they’ll say to themselves,
然后不知怎么的就会告诉自己
we’ll work it out, we can work this out.
我们会在一起 我们能做到
Because of all that energy of intense romantic love.
因为热烈而又浪漫的爱情会给予我们能量
Over time, as this whole neurotransmitter thing settles out,
时光流逝 当所有的神经递质这些东西稳定下来
what’s left?
还剩下些什么呢？
大脑上的爱情 爱的科学
收录于《大想法》
We define romantic love as
我们这样定义浪漫爱情——
an intense desire for another,
一种对于另一半的强烈渴求
with the expectation that it’s gonna persist into the future.
伴随着未来能长长久久的愿望
And that distinguishes it from lust, which is generally fleeting,
这与转瞬即逝的性欲不同
and also for more companionship love,
前者寻求更多的陪伴之爱
which doesn’t have that intensity of desire,
这种陪伴 没有那么强烈的
that you want to possess the other in some way.
通过某种方式占有对方的欲望
Studies have looked at activity in the brain
现在已经有人研究了
when recalling passionate or romantic love,
回忆激情或浪漫爱情
versus say maternal love,
与回忆比如母爱时的大脑活动的区别
and finds that different centers definitely are more active.
发现最活跃的核心部分完全不同
Then we’re saying put people into the functional MRI and they said,
就是让测试者接受功能性核磁共振
think about your partner, or think about your lover.
然后跟他们说 想想你的另一半或者想想你的情人吧
And certain areas lit up,
然后特定部分就会活跃起来
or they said, think about your mom,
或者说 想想你们的妈妈
and different areas lit up,
然后一个不一样的部分就会活跃起来
which is important, because different areas are responsible for
这很重要 因为不同的部分掌管着
the release of different neurotransmitters,
不同神经递质的释放
which then come to affect your future feeling states and future behaviors.
这会影响你接下来的内心感受和行为
During romantic or passionate love,
从神经递质 也就是你释放的那些化学物质的角度分析
what happens from a neurotransmitter standpoint,
在浪漫或者热烈的爱情中
those chemicals that are released when you have that particular experience?
在你在经历特定事件的时候 到底发生了什么？
Dopamine goes up.
多巴胺上升了
Dopamine is essentially the neurotransmitter of reward.
多巴胺本质就是奖赏性质的神经递质
So it is a neurotransmitter that’s released when you have new or novel experience,
所以它是一种在你经历新鲜 新奇事件时释放的神经递质
but particularly experiences that are reinforcing.
尤其是那种加强型事件
Like gambling, or something that is really addictive.
比如赌博 或者一些很上瘾的事情
In fact, literally addictive.
对 就是字面意思的“上瘾”
It’s the neurotransmitter if you snorted cocaine that is most responsible for.
如果你吸食可卡因 那主要就是神经递质惹的祸
Wow, that was great, and I totally wanna do it again.
“哇 真棒 我好想再来一次”
So that is a neurotransmitter that definitely goes up
所以你陷于浪漫或热烈的爱情的苦痛中
when you are in the throes of romantic or passionate love.
其实也一定是因为神经递质含量在上升
And what does that mean for you?
那这对你来说意味着什么呢？
It means that you’re gonna feel the sense of being addicted to your partner.
这意味着你感受到的是对伴侣的迷恋
And in fact, it’s also the neurotransmitter that goes up
事实上 得了强迫症也是因为
for people who have obsessive compulsive disorder.
神经递质含量的上升
Does that mean you’re gonna develop OCD? No.
这意味着你会患上强迫症吗？不是的
But what it does mean is you’re probably going to obsess over your partner.
不过这确实意味着 你很有可能会痴迷于你的伴侣
In comes another neurotransmitter, that’s called serotonin.
这就要提到另一种叫做血清素的神经递质了
It is definitely a neurotransmitter that is active for obsessive compulsive disorder.
这是一类在患强迫症时一定会活跃的神经递质
And it means you probably… and for depression.
这意味着你很有可能……哦 得抑郁症时血清素也会活跃
Do you become depressed? No, you really don’t.
难道你会变得抑郁吗 不是的 你真不会
But what you do do is a feature of depression called rumination.
不过你还真会 出现一种叫做沉思的抑郁特征
So you think about your partner over and over and over again in this really obsessive manner.
在这个极具沉迷性的行为中 你反反复复记挂着你的伴侣
And, if your partner is separated from you,
并且 如果你的伴侣与你分开了
you’re going to have this longing, where you’re in a want to be with them,
你会十分思念 你想跟他们待在一起
kind of like you’d want to be with a drug if it was taken away from you and you were already addicted to it.
这有点像毒品被拿走 你会想嗑药的感觉 你已经上瘾了
There are changes in other neurotransmitters as well.
别的神经递质也有变化
So if you’re physically with your partner,
当你与你的伴侣有身体上的互动时
the neurotransmitter oxytocin, which is kind of known as the cuddle neurotransmitter,
神经递质催产素（更为人所知些的名字叫拥抱递质）
and that makes you feel like…
能让你感觉好像
warm, and snuggly, and intensely bonded to this person.
与这个人温暖 紧密而强烈地联系在了一起
It is particularly released following orgasm.
催产素尤其会在高潮后释放
So, you know, if you’re having sex with your partner, and things go well,
所以 你看 如果你在和伴侣做爱 而且体验不错
you’re gonna feel very attached to them, exceedingly intimate with them,
你会对他们感到十分依赖 无比亲密
partially because of that neurotransmitter.
神经递质是部分原因
There are other neurotransmitters that actually also change.
实际上别的神经递质含量也有在变化
Vasopressin, which has to do with stress level.
像与压力水平有关的抗利尿激素
There’s this whole release of neurotransmitters that make you feel
这整个的神经递质的释放会让你感到
very obsessed, very addicted, thinking constantly about them,
非常沉迷 非常上瘾 一直在想你的情人
very intimately, cuddly, attached, and stressed.
想亲亲密密的 想搂搂 抱抱 贴贴 想得都紧张起来
Actually, it is a stressful condition, to some degree, to be really into your partner.
事实上 你非常爱伴侣时 你的状态某种程度上是紧张的
One of the problems with early stage intense feelings of romantic love is that
浪漫爱情早期的强烈情感会带来问题 其中之一就是
it’s part of the oldest parts of the brain that become activated.
大脑中一些最原始的
Brain regions linked with drive, with craving, with obsession, with motivation.
与欲望 渴求 沉迷 动力有关的部分被激活了
And in fact, some cognitive regions up in the prefrontal cortex
而且事实上 一些在近得多的时间进化出的
that have evolved much more recently begin to shut down.
处于前额叶的认知区域 却开始停止活动
Brain regions linked with decision-making, planning ahead.
这些大脑部分与 做决定 提前计划有关
You know, as people who are madly in love can
你要知道 这些变化发生在那些陷入疯狂爱情的人身上
fall madly in love with somebody who’s married, who lives on the other side of the planet,
他们会疯狂地爱上已婚人士 爱上地球另一端的人
who comes from a different religion.
爱上不同信仰的人
And somehow they’ll say to themselves, we’ll work it out, we can work this out,
不知怎么的他们会对自己说 我们会成的 我们能成
because of all that energy of intense romantic love.
因为热烈而又浪漫的爱情会给予我们能量
And also the shutting down of various brain systems linked with decision-making.
而且还因为各种与做决定有关的大脑系统歇菜了
So one of the things that I say to people is… you know,
所以我要对人们说的一件事是……你看
before you decide to marry somebody, spend a good deal of time with them.
在你决定和某人结婚之前 应先与他们相处很长一段时间
So some of that early stage intense feelings of romantic love can begin to subside.
这样可以平息一些早期的热烈浪漫的恋爱感受
And you can begin to really see what you’ve got.
而且你能真的开始考量下你获得了些什么
As a matter of fact, I’m very optimistic about the future of relationships,
事实上 这样做的情侣 我对他们未来关系非常乐观
because we’re spending so much time now getting to know somebody before we wed.
因为我们在婚前花了这么长待在一起了解对方
You know, a great many people are having these one night stands, and friends with benefits, and living together before they marry.
你看 好多人会选择一夜情 约炮 以及婚前同居
And there was a recent study, which they asked a lot of single people who were living together with somebody
最近有个研究 调查人员问了很多未婚同居人士
why have they not yet married?
为什么他们不结婚
And 67% were terrified of divorce,
其中67％的人是害怕离婚
terrified of not only the legal and the financial and the economic,
害怕的不仅是离婚带来的法律 财产 经济上的麻烦
but the personal and social fallout of divorce.
还有个人和社会层面的后果
And so I began to realize, maybe all of this hooking up,
然后我就开始意识到 或许所有这些一夜情
and friends with benefits, and living together is not recklessness.
约炮 同居并不是一种轻率的做法
Maybe it’s caution. Maybe singles are trying to
或许这么做反而谨慎 或许在成为夫妻前
learn every single thing they can about a potential partner before they tie the knot.
单身人士们会努力了解 关于他们未来伴侣的每一件事
And in short, marriage used to be the beginning of a relationship, now it’s the finale.
简单地说 过去 婚姻是一段关系的开始 现在却成了终点
And I think that is really positive.
我觉得这是很积极的做法
As a matter of fact, I work with match.com. I’m their senior… umm…
事实上我和match.com团队一起工作 我是他们的……
I’m their chief scientific advisor.
我是他们的首席科学顾问
And we did a study of married people. Not on the site match.com, of course.
我们针对已婚人士做了个调研 当然 不止在match.com站点进行
Of 1100 married people. And I had reasoned,
我们调查了1100位已婚人士 然后我得出这么个结论
well, if there’s this long pre-commitment stage of getting to know somebody,
如果有这样长的婚前承诺阶段 去了解你的伴侣的话
maybe by the time you walked down the aisle,
或许当你们在婚礼中走上台时
you know what you’ve got, you’re happy with what you’ve got,
你们会明白获得了什么 对此感到幸福
and you’re gonna build a long, stable really happy marriage.
你们也会建立一段 长久 稳定 幸福美满的婚姻
Maybe we’re going towards a time of happier marriages,
或许我们会有一段更幸福的婚姻时光
because relationships can end before you tie the knot.
因为我们可以在签订婚约前就分手
So within this study, I asked these 1100 married people a lot of questions,
在这项调研中 我询问了这1100位已婚人士许多问题
but one of the questions was, would you remarry the person you’re currently married to?
其中一个问题是 你会再次选择和现在的爱人结婚吗？
And 81% said yes.
然后81％的人给出了肯定的答案
And I think that with what I call fast sex, slow love,
我觉得 这种我称之为“快性慢爱”的过程
with this slow love process of getting to know somebody very carefully,
也就是慢慢去爱 在长期相处中仔细了解另一半的过程
over a long period of time, it’s gonna help the brain readjust some of these brain regions for decision-making.
会重新调整你那些用于做决定的大脑部分的状态
You’re gonna get to know how this person handles your parents
你会知道这个人在圣诞节 或者别的什么节日
at Christmas, or whatever holiday.
是怎么对待你的父母的
You know, how they handle your friends,
你会知道 他们怎么对待你的朋友
how they handle their money, how they handle an argument,
怎么支配他的钱 怎么处理吵架
how they handle getting exercise, and their own health and your health, et cetera.
怎么对待锻炼身体 怎么看待他们自己以及你的身体健康 等等
You learn a lot about the person.
关于这个人 你会知道很多信息
I’m very optimistic about the future, because of this concept of slow love.
因为有了“慢爱”的概念 我觉得未来会非常乐观
In terms of the science to support what is a good partner choice,
良好的伴侣选择有科学依据支持
for the long haul, it does seem that having very similar values,
长远看来 非常类似的价值观
and to some degree, having a lot of similarities in general,
以及某种程度上的总体相似
often leads to a longer term ability to maintain the relationship.
常常能使一段关系长久保鲜
And why is that? And I’m not talking now about sexual compatibility.
这是为什么呢？还有 我可没在讨论性方面的适配性
I’m not talking about that wonderful, passionate feeling.
我没在讨论那种奇妙而热烈的感觉
But I’m really talking about just maintaining any relationship.
但是 我确实正在讨论维护各种关系
It is easier when you have fewer bridges to cross.
亡羊补牢的情况少些的时候 我们处理起来会更容易些
So over time, as this whole neurotransmitter thing settles out,
所以随着时间过去 当所有这些神经递质带来的东西稳定后
what’s left to be able to maintain your relationship going forward?
还能剩下些什么来维持你们的关系走下去呢？
If you’re arguing over everything,
如果你们对大多事物都持有根本性的异议
because basically, you fundamentally don’t agree on most things,
什么事都要吵一架
that is a challenge. Not saying it’s a challenge that can’t be managed.
那就变得棘手了 更别说那些无法解决的问题了
And I certainly wouldn’t say, for example, that opposites can’t attract,
不过我当然不会说出 比如“反差毫无吸引力”这种话
because they often do.
因为其实反差往往是吸引人的
But the question is, what do you do with that down the road?
但问题在于 时间一天天过去 你要怎么处理呢？
If you’re a different religion, if you believe differently in how money should be managed,
如果你们信仰不同 如果你们在如何支配金钱上产生分歧
if you have different goals in terms of family rearing, career aspirations,
如果你们在考虑持家育儿 事业追求
long-term how you want to live your life.
长期生计时 树立了不同的目标
These are bridges that have to be crossed
这些出现以后才不得不处理的问题
with a lot of communication, and a lot of compromise.
解决起来需要大量的沟通和妥协
To some degree, studies support the less compromise you have to make, the easier.
在某种程度上 研究认为 你要做出的让步越少 问题解决起来越轻松
And you know that’s very…
你要知道 这其实很……
that’s not surprising, right? That’s easy to understand.
这也没啥让人意外的 不是吗？这容易理解
So choosing someone with some similarities
所以选择有些相似点的伴侣
will make for less compromise down the road.
会在之后的过程中 减少为磨合而做出的让步
And then the question becomes, how good are you and your partner individually at communication,
接下来的问题就变成了 你和你的伴侣有多擅长沟通交流
at compromise, at being able to
妥协让步 以及为了更好的结果
make choices that really aren’t your first choice, for the service of some greater good?
在放弃第一选择的情况下重新抉择？
We all wanna sustain a long-term happy partnership.
我们都想维持一段长期 幸福的伴侣关系
And psychologists will give you a long list of smart ways to sustain it.
心理学家会给你一张长长的单子 告诉你维持关系的好办法
But I’d like to say what the brain can add.
但我想告诉你的是 大脑也能额外帮上忙
I studied the brain.
我是研究过大脑
And the first thing that you wanna do is
你要做的第一件事
sustain the three basic brain systems for mating and reproduction.
是维持大脑中 用于交配和繁殖的三个基础系统
Sex drive. Have sex with the partner. Have sex regularly with the partner.
性欲 与伴侣做爱 定期与伴侣做爱
If you don’t have time, schedule the time to have sex with the partner.
就算你没时间 你也得挤点时间出来和伴侣做爱
Because when you have sex with the partner, you’re driving up the testosterone system,
因为当你和伴侣做爱时 释放睾酮的系统被激发
so you’re gonna want to have more sex, but you also have all the cuddling,
然后你会想要做更多爱 当然这些拥抱
which is gonna drive up the oxytocin system, and give you feelings of attachment.
也会让释放催产素的系统亢奋起来 带来依恋感
And having sex with the person,
还有 做爱的时候
any kind of stimulation of the genitals drives up the dopamine system
对生殖器的刺激会让多巴胺系统亢奋起来
and can sustain feelings of romantic love.
这会让我们对的浪漫爱情的体会更持久
And of course, there can be good jokes about it, and relaxation about it,
当然 我们可以拿性爱开玩笑 也可以拿它来放松
that is good for the body and the mind.
这对身心都有好处
So have sex with the person and sustain that brain system of the sex drive.
所以你得跟你的伴侣做爱 维持那个产生性欲的大脑系统
To sustain feelings of intense romantic love, do novel things together.
为了维持热烈而浪漫的爱情 你们可以一起做些新奇事
Novelty drives up the dopamine system and can sustain feelings of romantic love.
新鲜感可以让多巴胺系统亢奋 以及保鲜浪漫爱情的体验
And this isn’t just in the bedroom.
新鲜感并不只来自于床帏之事
Just go to a different restaurant on Friday night. Take your bicycle instead of a car.
你俩只需要在星期五晚上换家餐馆 用骑车代替开车
Read to each other in bed. Sit together on the couch, and have a discussion about something new.
在床上给对方读书 还有一起坐沙发上讨论点新鲜事
Read new books together. Novelty, novelty, novelty
一起读几本新书 新鲜 新鲜 还是新鲜
sustains feelings of intense romantic love.
让我们能更持久地感受到热烈而浪漫的爱情
You also wanna sustain feelings of deep attachment.
你也想维持深深的依恋感
And to do that, you have to just stay in touch.
想达到这个目的 你们只需要多接触
Learn to sleep in the person’s arm. At least start that way.
至少先学着在伴侣的臂弯里入睡吧
Cuddle after dinner. Walk arm-in-arm arm down the street. Hold hands together.
晚饭后拥抱一下 手挽手上街散步 牵手
Put your foot on top of his foot or her foot while you’re having dinner.
吃饭的时候把自己的脚放到他或者她的脚上
Gently, of course. But stay in touch.
当然你得温柔点 总之要保持贴贴
That drives up the oxytocin system,
这样你的催产素系统会亢奋起来
and can give you feelings of deep attachment to the partner.
让你有了对伴侣深深的依恋感
So, you wanna sustain all three of those brain systems, sex drive, feelings of romantic love,
那么 你要维持性欲 浪漫恋爱感
and feelings of deep attachment.
深深依恋感全部三个大脑系统的活跃
But we’ve also found out what’s going on in the brain in long-term happy partners.
但是 我们也发现了长期幸福伴侣大脑中的变化
We did a study, a brain scanning study,
我们进行了一项脑部扫描研究
of people who were married an average of 21 years.
被试者平均经历了21年婚姻生活
And those people who were married an average of 21 years, who were still madly in love with their partner
结果显示 那些平均结了21年婚还爱得死去活来的人
showed activity in three brain regions.
他们有三个大脑部分比较活跃
A brain region linked with empathy, a brain region linked with controlling your own emotions,
一个是有关共情的部分 一个是有关控制自己情绪的部分
and a brain region linked with what we call positive illusions,
还有一个 与我们所说的“积极错觉”有关
the simple ability, but sometimes hard,
“积极错觉”是种简单的能力 有时候却也挺难
to overlook what you don’t like about somebody, and then focus on what you do.
它是指忽略对方身上你不喜欢的地方 专注你喜欢的地方
So last but not least,
最后一点也很重要
we’ve now known that if you say several nice things to your partner every day,
我们现在已经知道了 如果你每天对你的伴侣说点好话
I would suggest five, but if you can only pull off two or three, whatever.
我建议是夸五次 但若你只能夸个两三次之类的也无所谓
Say nice things to your partner.
就是如果你对你的伴侣说点好话
That actually reduces their cholesterol, reduces their cortisol, which is the stress hormone,
会降低对方的胆固醇 皮质醇这种应激激素的含量
and boosts their immune system. But it also boosts yours.
而且不仅增强他们的免疫系统 也会增强你自己的
So what the brain says about a happy long-term partnership
所以说到利用大脑来维持长期幸福的伴侣关系
is overlook what you don’t like and focus on what you do,
那就是忽略那些你不喜欢的 专注那些你喜欢的
express empathy for the partner, control your own emotions, have sex with the partner,
向伴侣展示出你的共情 控制你的情绪 跟伴侣做爱
do novel things together, stay in touch, and say several nice things every day.
一起做新鲜事 保持贴贴 还有每天跟对方说些好话
And your brain will help you sustain a long-term deep attachment.
然后你的大脑将会帮你保持一段长期而深厚的依恋关系
We’re built to love.
我们生来就是要爱的
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