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爱的科学

The Science of Love

我们都希望有一段良好稳定的恋情
We all want to have a good stable relationship with somebody and one of the problems with
早期激情阶段的恋情是大脑活动
early stage intense feelings of romantic love is that it’s part of the oldest parts of
最持久的一个部分。大脑包括驱动区,渴望区,妄想区,
the brain that become activated. Brain regions linked with drive, with craving, with obsession,
动力区。实际上,最近有些前额皮质的认知区域
with motivation. And in fact some cognitive regions up I the prefrontal cortex that have
会越来越弱化,直到消失。大脑的决策区
evolved much more recently begin to shut down. Brain regions linked with decision making,
会提前计划,当然,有些人会疯狂地爱上
planning ahead, you know, people who are madly in love can fall madly in love with somebody
已婚甚至是外星人,或者异教,
who’s married who lives on the other side of the planet, who comes from a different
还坚信能够天长地久。他们觉得
religion and somehow they’ll say to themselves we’ll work it out. We can work this out
爱可以超越一切,也能克服某些决策区
because of all that energy of intense romantic love and also the shutting down of various
的失效。因此我告诫你们的一件事是
brain systems like with decision making. So one of the things that I say to people is,
在你决定跟某人结婚前,花点时间跟他们相处,
you know, before you decide to marry somebody spend some, a good deal of time with them
等早期激情阶段过去后
so that some of that early stage intense feelings of romantic love can begin to subside and
你就能真的看清楚你的对象是什么样的人。
you can begin to really see what you’ve got.
最重要的一点是,我相信这样恋情能持久,
As a matter of fact I’m very optimistic about the future of relationships because
因为我们在婚前花了很多时间去了解对方,
we’re spending so much time now getting to know somebody before we wed. You know a
还有些人在婚前都只是一夜情或者找炮友
great many people are having these one night stands and friends with benefits and living
最近有个对于
together before they marry. And there was a recent study in which they asked a lot of
单身未婚同居人群的不婚原因调查
single people who were living together with somebody why have they not yet married. And
显示67%的人害怕离婚,不只是法律程序和费用两方面经济性原因
67 percent were terrified of divorce, terrified of the – not only the legal and the financial
还有个人和社会离婚的后果。于是我开始意识到
and the economic but the personal and social fallout of divorce. And so I began to realize
也许这些一夜情,找炮友,未婚同居的人不是一时鲁莽
maybe all of this hooking up and friends with benefits and living together is not recklessness.
可能这是有原因的。单身的人也许只是在安定下来之前
Maybe it’s caution. Maybe singles are trying to learn every single thing they can about
学习怎么找到潜在另一半。而短暂婚史
a potential partner before they tie the knot. And in short marriage used to be the beginning
作为恋情开端就意味着后面没戏了。我认为这是很积极的态度。
of a relationship, now it’s the finale. And I think that that is very positive. As
另一个事实是,我为 Match.com工作,我是首席高级科学顾问。
a matter of fact I work with Match.com. I’m their senior, their chief scientific advisor.
我们对1100个包括在Match网站上的已婚人士做了一个调查
And we did a study of married people not on the site Match.com of course of 1,100 married
我有理由相信,假如在踏上礼堂之前
people. And I had reason well if there’s this long precommitment stage of getting to
如果有一个了解对方再结婚的预先承诺
know somebody maybe by the time you walk down the aisle you know what you’ve got, you’re
你就会更好的了解对方,喜欢对方,从而构建一段稳定持久的真正幸福的
happy with what you’ve got and you’re going to build a long stable really happy
婚姻。也许我们追求幸福婚姻的时间要久一点
marriage. Maybe we’re going towards a time of happier
因为恋情可能在你安定下来之前就结束了。因此通过这个
marriages because relationships can end before you tie the knot. So within this study I asked
1100个已婚人士问题的调查中,有个问题是,如果再来一次,
these 1,100 married people a lot of questions but one of the questions was would you remarry
你会不会再跟现在的配偶结婚?有81%的人回答说会。
the person you’re currently married to? And 81 percent said yes. And I think that
对于这种情况,我叫它先性后爱,在缓慢的互相了解过程中
with what I call fast sex, slow love with this slow love process of getting to know
大脑会在长时间的谨慎探索中重新调节
somebody very carefully over a long period of time it’s going to help the brain readjust
决策区。你会了解伴侣对你
some of these brain regions for decision making. You’re going to get to know how this person
父母的圣诞节或者其他假期的处理方式。对待你朋友的方式。
handles your parents at Christmas or whatever holiday, you know. How they handle your friends.
怎样处理钱财。怎样应对争吵。怎样健身或者
How they handle their money. How they handle an argument. How they handle getting exercise
保持健康以及关注你的健康状况等等。你会学到关于伴侣的很多事
and their own health and your health, et cetera. You learn a lot about the person. I think
我认为 因为这种慢节奏的恋情,我对未来充满期待
we’re in a – I’m very optimistic about the future because of this concept of slow
我真的不是咨询业务或什么的
love. I’m not really in the advice business or
我认为我们确实应该在想结婚时结婚
the should business. I think people should marry when they feel like marrying. But from
但我也知道大脑的机制,如果是我,我至少会等两年,因为
what I know about the brain if it were me I’d wait at least two years because in two
两年你都经历两次365天了。你清楚他们怎样过万圣节
years you see the full cycle of the year twice. You see how they handle Halloween, how they
圣诞节,光明节,怎样在夏天放松。经历两次
handle Christmas or Hanukkah, how they handle summer fun. And to see that twice is I think
我觉得是很重要的。并且,你能维持两年的
important. And by the way, you can sustain that intense feeling of romantic love for
激情阶段。我研究过除 Match网站之外的5000名网民,
two years. I’ve studied 5,000 people through Match.com not on the Match.com site. A representative
一个有代表性的美国人口统计表明,
sample of Americans based on the U.S. census and a great many of them say that they’ve
很多人都有过对某人维持激情阶段
had the experience of sustained feelings of intense romantic love for somebody for two
2到5年的经历。如果你爱对了人,你就可以维持激情阶段很久
to five years. So if you pick the right person and you know now to sustain some of the joy
我觉得你就可以拥有一段长期的而且有激情的恋爱期
I think you can create a long term attachment that is full also of periods of romantic love.
我们每个人都期待拥有一段幸福稳定的恋情,心理学家们会给你列一个长长的清单
We all want to sustain a long term happy partnership and psychologists will give you a long list
关于如何机智地维持恋情。但我想说些大脑能帮忙的
of smart ways to sustain it. But I’d like to say what the brain can add. I studied the
我研究的大脑告诉我,首先你得维持大脑的三个基本系统
brain and the first thing that you want to do is sustain the three basic brain systems
来交配 繁殖。对伴侣的性动机和性行为,有规律的啪啪啪
for mating and reproduction. Sex drive – have sex with the partner, have sex regularly with
如果你没有时间,就定个时间表来啪啪啪
the partner. If you don’t have time schedule the time to have sex with the partner because
当你与伴侣啪啪啪时,睾丸素升高
when you have sex with a partner you’re driving up the testosterone system so you’re
你就会更想啪啪啪。当然你因为拥抱
going to want to have more sex. But you also have all the cuddling which is going to drive
增长的催产素中让你更依赖对方也更想啪啪啪
up the oxytocin system and give you feelings of attachment and having sex with the person,
任何生殖刺激都会使多巴胺分泌上升,从而维持恋情稳定
any kind of stimulation of the genitals drives up the dopamine system and can sustain feelings
大体上说就是那些。当然可以玩点别的
of romantic love. So basically having – and of course there can be good jokes about it
放松点对待是有益身心的。所以找人啪啪啪
and relaxation about it that is good for the body and the mind. So have sex with a person
维持大脑的性动机。为了维持激情的恋爱关系
and sustain that brain system of the sex drive. To sustain feelings of intense romantic love
可以一起做点特别的事情。新奇的事情可以激发多巴胺稳定恋情
do novel things together. Novelty drives up the dopamine system and can sustain feelings
并不只是在卧室
of romantic love. And this isn’t just in the bedroom. Just
周五晚上去不一样的餐厅。骑车而不是开车
go to a different restaurant on Friday night. Take your bicycle instead of a car. Read to
在床上读书给对方听。一起坐在沙发上讨论点新奇的事情
each other in bed. Sit together on the couch and have a discussion about something new.
一起读一本新书。新奇 新颖 新鲜感会维持恋情
Read new books together. Novelty, novelty, novelty sustains feelings of intense romantic
你肯定也想维持亲密关系,依恋对方
love. You also want to sustain feelings of deep attachment and to do that you have to
并为此做些事情。学着谁在对方的臂弯,至少先这么开始
just stay in touch. Learn to sleep in the person’s arms, at least start that way.
晚餐后抱着彼此。搂着散步,一直牵着手
Cuddle after dinner. Walk arm in arm down the street. Hold hands together. Put your
晚饭时把脚放到对方的脚上,当然是轻轻地
foot on top of his foot or her foot while you’re having dinner, gently of course.
保持亲密关系,会使你催产素上升让你更依恋对方
But stay in touch. That drives up the oxytocin system and can give you feelings of deep attachment
你所要维持的不过就是这三个大脑系统 性动机
to the partner. So you want to sustain all three of those brain systems – sex drive,
浪漫 依恋 。但是我们也研究了
feelings of romantic love and feelings of deep attachment. But we’ve also found out
恋情长久的伴侣的大脑。我们的研究,对
what’s going on in the brain in long term happy partners. We did a study, a brain scanning
平均婚龄21年的人进行了脑扫描。这些已婚人士
study of people who were married an average of 21 years. And those people who are married
对伴侣的大脑三个区域活动依然活跃
an average of 21 years who are still madly in love with their partner showed activity
分别是共鸣区 大脑连接控制
in three brain regions. A brain region linked with empathy, a brain region linked with controlling
情绪区还有大脑积极幻想区
your own emotions and a brain region linked with what we call positive illusions.
简单的能力有时候难以被忽视,专注于你能做的事
The simple ability but sometimes hard to overlook what you don’t like about somebody and then
而不是你讨厌对方的地方。至少现在我们知道你能每天对你伴侣做的
focus on what you do. So last but not least we’ve now known that if you say several
一些事情。我建议是五个 但是你
nice things to your partner every day – I would suggest five but if you can only pull
可以只做两到三个,当然 可以给对方说些情话那真的会减少
off two or three, whatever, saying nice things to your partner. That actually reduces their
他的胆固醇 还有阻碍荷尔蒙分泌的皮质醇,增强免疫力
cholesterol, reduces their cortisol which is the stress hormone and boost their immune
同时也会增加你的免疫力。那么大脑说告诉我们 幸福长久的恋情
system. But it also boosts yours. So what the brain says about a happy, long term partnership
要忽视瑕疵 专注自己能做的 向伴侣表达共情
is overlook what you don’t like and focus on what you do. Express empathy for the partner.
控制好自己的情绪 跟伴侣啪啪啪 一起尝试新鲜事
Control your own emotions. Have sex with the partner. Do novel things together. Stay in
保持亲密 每天说说情话 说说你的愿望 你的大脑会帮你
touch and say several nice things every day and you will – your brain will help you
维持稳定依赖的恋情 爱是需要 创造的
sustain a long-term deep attachment. We’re built to love.

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