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交友的目的

The Purpose of Friendship

友谊可以说是人生中最值得珍惜的东西之一
Friendship should be one of the high points of existence
但它同时也是我们需要处理的最烦人的东西
And yet it’s also the most routinely disappointing thing we have to deal with.
有很多次
Too often you’re at
你在某个朋友家里吃饭
supper at someone’s house, there’s an
菜肴味道好极了
impressive spread and the hosts have
主人很显然非常用心准备
evidently gone to a lot of trouble.
但是饭后的谈话没完没了
But the conversation is meandering and
没有任何营养
devoid of any real interest
人们会唠叨某家航空公司机上服务的差劲
It flits from an overlong description of the failings of the in-flight service on a particular airline
然后莫名其妙地 又开始激动地谈论免税代码
To a strangely heated discussion about the tax code.
举行这场聚餐的人的好意非常打动我们
The intentions of the hosts are hugely touching,
但通常我们在回家之后
But as so often we go home
都不知道聚餐到底意义何在
wondering what on earth the whole performance was really about.
友谊带给我们烦恼的原因
The key to the problem of friendship is to be found
听起来或许很奇怪
in an odd sounding place:
原因是它缺乏目的
a lack of a sense of purpose.
我们常常会忘了我们交朋友的目的
Our attempts at friendship tend to go adrift
因为我们都不愿意去思考
because we collectively resist the task of
我们发展一段友谊
developing a clear picture of what
到底是为了什么
friendship might really be for.
问题是
The problem is that we’re unfairly
我们一想到交朋友有任何目的 就会觉得十分不安
uncomfortable with the idea of friendship having any declared purpose,
因为我们把目的看成
because we associate purpose with the
最廉价最可笑的动机
least attractive and most cynical of motives.
但是有目的并不一定会破坏友谊
Yet purpose doesn’t have to ruin friendship
且实际上
and in fact the more we
我们对一段友谊的目的定义得越明确
define what a friendship might be for
我们就能越清楚
the more we can focus in on what we
我们应该如何对待生活中的每个朋友
should be doing with every person in our lives,
甚至 我们还能理清谁是应该远离的损友
or indeed the more we can helpfully conclude that we shouldn’t be with them at all.
我们交朋友的目的至少有四种
There are at least four things we might be trying to do with the people we know.
第一种 扩展人脉
Firstly, networking.
这个目的被过分地丑化了
It’s an unfairly maligned idea.
我们在这个广袤人间中如此渺小脆弱
We’re small, fragile creatures in a vast world.
一个人的力量完全不足以
Our individual capacities are entirely insufficient to
将自己的想象力付诸实现
realize the demands of our imaginations.
所以我们当然需要合作伙伴
So of course we need collaborators,
能将他们的能力与智慧
accomplices who can align their
与我们共享的盟友
abilities and energies with ours.
以此为目的的友谊
This idea of friendship was given a lot
在古典文学上占有很重要的位置
of space in classical literature.
比如说那个关于阿尔戈英雄的古希腊传说
Take the Argonauts, the legendary ancient Greek tale,
就讲述了
which traced how a heroic
一个名叫杰森的英雄般的船长拓展人脉
captain called Jason networked in order to
结交了一群朋友与他共同前往雅克罕姆
assemble a band of friends to sail on the Arkham,
寻找金羊毛的故事
in search of the Golden Fleece.
后来的耶稣也有这样的友谊
Later, the same idea emerged when
他拓展人脉 找到了十二门徒
Jesus networked, to put together a band of twelve disciples
和他们一起
with whom he could
传播改变世界的教义
spread one or two world-changing ideas
关于宽恕与慈悲的教义
about forgiveness and compassion.
我们递出名片时 并不是徒劳无功
Rather than diminish our own efforts as we hand out our business cards,
这些家喻户晓的故事
such prestigious examples
让我们明白 拓展人脉对我们的提升多么有帮助
can show how elevated an ambitious networking friendships could ideally be.
第二种 获得安全感
Secondly, reassurance.
生而为人 总会遇见各种可怖的事
The human condition is full of terror.
我们很容易失控 面临危险
We’re always on the verge of disgrace, danger
感到失望
and disappointment
但是 人人被教导为礼貌冷静的个人
and yet, such are the rules of polite conduct that we’re
以至于我们常常觉得
permanently in danger of imagining that
自己唯一一个如此疯狂的人
we are the only ones to be as crazy as
所以我们非常需要朋友
we know we are. We badly need friends
因为面对点头之交
because with the people we know only superficially,
我们很少会说出自己的性冲动
there are few confessions of sexual compulsion or of
遗憾 感到愤怒的事或困惑
regret, rage and confusion. These
这些点头之交
superficial acquaintances refuse to
同样不愿意承认 他们也有那么一点疯狂
admit that they, too, are going slightly out of their minds.
但是 真正的朋友能给我们安全感
Yet the reassuring true friend gives us access to a very
会恰如其分地像我们坦露
necessary and accurate sense of their
他们自己的耻辱 愚蠢
own humiliations and follies, insights
我们可以据此
with which we can begin to judge
更慈悲地看待我们自己 以及我们可悲压抑的生活
ourselves and our sad and compulsive lives slightly more compassionately.
第三种 寻求乐趣
Thirdly, fun.
虽然我们常说要追求快乐和及时行乐 但生活
Despite talk of hedonism and immediate gratification, life gives us
常常给我们教训 让我们学会严肃认真
constant lessons in the need to be serious.
我们必须维护自己的尊严
We have to guard our dignity, avoid
避免出洋相 给人留下成熟稳重的印象
looking like a fool and pass as a mature
这样的压力十分沉重
adult. The pressure can become onerous
甚至很危险
and in the end even dangerous. That’s why
因此我们需要结交
we constantly need access to people we
值得信任的朋友 可以和我们一起干傻事的朋友
can trust enough to be silly with them.
平时 他们或许正在接受培训 以成为一个神经外科医生
They might most of the time be training to be a neurosurgeon
又或许在当一些中型企业的税务顾问
or advising middle sized companies about their tax
但是当我们在一起时
liabilities, but when we’re together we
我们会释放自我 变得疯狂
can be therapeutically daft. We can put
我们会模仿有趣的口音 分享下流的性幻想
on accents, share lewd fantasies
或是在报纸上乱涂乱画 比如给总统先生加个大鼻子 把他的牙齿涂黑
or doodle on the newspaper, adding a huge nose and a missing front tooth to the President
又或是给模特儿画上超大的耳朵和爆炸头
or giving the fashion model distended ears and masses of curly hair.
有趣的朋友能让我们不为自己不可或缺但疯狂的一面感到羞耻
The fun friend solves the problem of shame around important but unprestigious sides of ourselves.
第四种 理清思绪
Fourthly, clarifying our minds.
让人感到惊讶的是 我们其实很难
To a surprising degree it’s very hard to
独立思考
think on our own.
我们的大脑浮躁不安
The mind is skittish and squeamish. As a
所以 许多事情都让我们感到困惑
result, many issues lie confused within
我们常常感到愤怒 却不知道为何愤怒
us. We feel angry but are not sure why.
可能是工作上有烦心事了
Something is wrong with our job but we
但我们搞不清究竟是什么事 善于思考的朋友
can’t pin it down. The thinking friend
会引导我们
holds us to the task.
他们会问我们一些友好又一针见血的问题
They ask gentle but probing questions
如一扇帮助我们了解自己的明镜
which act as a mirror that assist us with the task of knowing ourselves.
理清我们交朋友的目的有一个负面影响
One side effect of getting a bit more precise about what we’re trying to do with our social lives,
那就是我们很可能会发现
is that we’re likely to conclude that in
很多时候 我们交的朋友对我们没有任何意义
many cases, we’re spending time with people for no truly identifiable good reason.
这些泛泛之交 既不与我们志同道合
These proto friends share none of our professional ambitions or interests,
也不能给我们安全感
they aren’t reassuring and may indeed be
甚至很可能在我们背后
secretly really very excited by the
幸灾乐祸
possibility of failure.
我们不能在他们面前犯傻
We can’t be catharticly silly around them and they
他们也对帮助对方了解自己毫无兴趣
aren’t the least bit interested in furthering our or their path to self knowledge.
他们 和许多我们认识的人一样
They are, like so many of the people in our social lives, simply in our
只不过是我们生活中不美丽的错误
orbit as a result of some unhappy
而我们又羞于去纠正这些错误
accident that we’ve been too sentimental to correct.
在这方面
We should dare to be a little
我们应该学会变得更残忍一点
ruthless in this area. Culling
剔除泛泛之交 并不意味着
acquaintances isn’t a sign that we’ve
我们对友谊失去信心
lost belief in friendship, it’s evidence
而意味着我们更清楚该交什么样的朋友 并且对友谊的质量有了更高的要求
that we’re starting to get clearer and therefore more demanding about what a friendship could really be.
了解我们想要什么样的朋友的最好方法
In the best way the price of knowing what friendship
或许是 在家独处几个夜晚
is for may be a few more evenings at home in our own company

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视频概述

我们常常认为交朋友不应该带有目的,但其实有目的地交友并不是一件可耻的事,它可以帮助我们远离损友,找到真正的朋友。

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视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGedUxTAfBk

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