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感恩的深刻力量

The Profound Power of Gratitude and "Living Eulogies" | Andrea Driessen | TED

I have a death wish.
我有一个死亡愿景
Now before you just boo me off the stage for saying such a thing in a pandemic,
在新冠流行的当下说这种话而被你们轰下台之前
I’ll explain with a little back story,
我用一个小故事来解释一下
starting with my second grade gym class.
从我二年级的体育课开始说起
This was the longest,
这是每个星期最漫长
most humiliating hour of the week.
最让我感到耻辱的时段
My PE teacher, Mr. Jensen, was a former drill sergeant,
我的体育老师Jensen之前是一名教官
and I always felt like the weakest kid.
而我总感觉自己是最体弱的那个孩子
On my report card,
在我的成绩单上
he checked the boxes corresponding to
他会在一条条要求后面打勾
what must have been important for kids’ physical development in the ’70s.
想必是70年代评价孩子体格发育的重要指标
Oh, except the one on leadership qualities,
噢 除了一条和领导力有关的
he left that one unchecked.
那一条他没有做标记
Then he added a note.
然后他又加了条评语
He said, “Andrea has difficulty kicking balls.”
他写道 “Andrea不太会踢球”
My dad,
我父亲
who was always the one to see people’s gifts instead of their limits,
是那种关注别人天赋而不是短板的人
wrote a letter back to Mr. Jensen.
他回了一封信给Jensen先生
He said, “Andrea may have difficulty kicking balls,
他写道 “Andrea可能是不太会踢球
but you should see her stand on her head and do cartwheels.”
但你应该看看她倒立和侧空翻的样子”
As a kid, I was usually the smallest on the playground,
小时候 我一般是操场上最矮小的那个
never athletic,
从未擅长运动
picked last for, you guessed it, kick ball.
最后……你猜对了 我被选中去踢球
I took solace in my dad’s sincere support.
我在父亲真诚地支持中得到了慰藉
But now, as a business owner,
但如今 作为一名老板
I can see that ball kicking can really come in handy
我明白了踢球(推卸责任)真的可以派上用场
Anyway, in that one simple sentence to a short-sighted gym teacher
总之 写给目光短浅的体育老师的那句简单的话
but you shou see her…
“但你应该看看她……”
my dad showed me that
我父亲让我知道
focusing on strengths more than weaknesses feels really good,
多关注强项而不是弱点的感觉很棒
that there are other ways to look at the world
让我明白有其它看待世界的方式
and that it’s important to recognize each other’s gifts.
让我知道看到别人的天分非常重要
So with all that great karma my dad had built up around appreciation with me,
所以因着父亲在我身上建立的欣赏的善业
it only seems right that some praise would ultimately come his way.
最终会得到赞美似乎是合理的
Long into his fruitful and active retirement,
在他多彩活跃的退休生活中
he was featured in a hometown newspaper story.
家乡的一份报纸为他发了篇专题报道
The article described the many ways
那篇文章描述了
he contributed to our small Midwestern town.
他给我们的中西部小镇做出的各种贡献
And he sent a copy of that piece to my siblings and me
他给我的兄弟姐妹们和我发了那篇文章的复印件
with a short handwritten note.
上面有一条手写的备注
He was always really modest,
他一直都非常谦逊
so he just said,
所以他只写道
“Well, it’s better than having a eulogy read over a casket.”
“好吧 这总好过别人对着你的棺材念悼词”
My dad died seven years ago at the age of 96,
我父亲在七年前去世了 享年96
and he was surrounded by family and friends
死的时候身边围绕着亲朋好友
and two hospice workers.
以及两个临终关怀护工
He left this world not 20 feet from where he’d come into it.
他离开这个世界的地点与他来时的地点相距不到20英尺
He was born and he died in the same house.
他的生与死都在同一栋房子里
I like to think he died as well as he’d lived on his own terms.
我想 他是以自己的方式活着 也以自己的方式死去
I had the honor of giving the eulogy,
我有幸致悼词
and ultimately he’d chosen cremation over that “casket.”
最终他选择了火葬而不是那个“棺材”
As I looked over at my dad’s ashes,
我看着父亲的骨灰
I had to smile because, you know, our dad really loved beer.
难掩笑容 因为 我父亲真的很爱喝啤酒
So instead of putting his ashes in a blasé urn,
所以 我们没有把他的骨灰装到令人厌倦的骨灰罐里
we put them in a big, shiny beer growler.
而是将其装在了一个大大的 闪闪的啤酒瓶里
So my remarks over the growler
我写在啤酒瓶上的话
were a sincere tribute to a superb human being.
是对一名杰出人士的真诚赞颂
Not unusual as far as eulogies go,
就悼词而言并不罕见
except for one thing.
除了一件事
He’d already heard it.
他生前就已经听过这些话了
Those many years earlier, after I’d received his note
多年之前 我收到父亲写的一张便条
about how having nice things said about you while you’re alive beats the alternative,
“能在活着的时候听到别人夸你 比什么都好”
I wrote my dad a letter.
于是我给父亲写了封回信
And the theme of the letter reflected a common thread that I had noticed in his long life.
那封信的主旨 是我观察到的贯穿他漫长一生的
The theme of building.
建造的主题
Our dad had helped to build so many things.
我父亲曾经帮助着建造了那么多的事物
Gun emplacements in World War II;
他建造了第二次世界大战中的炮台;
a new industrial park;
建造了一个新的工业园区;
a vibrant hobby as a self-taught and later acclaimed woodcarver;
培养了一门盎然的兴趣——自学成才的木雕家;
confidence in others;
给他人建立信心
a many-decades-long marriage;
建立了一段几十年时长的婚姻
a family, a home.
建立了一个家庭 一个家
And he had the chance to read it all long before he died.
并且他有机会早在自己离世之前就读到这一切
So that had me asking,
所以这让我不禁问我自己
why are eulogies only for dead people?
为什么悼词只能留给已经过世的人?
Why do we wait so long to recognize each other’s gifts?
为什么我们要花那么长时间来发现别人的馈赠?
Why are the truest compliments
为什么那些对我们所爱之人说的
and the sincerest sentiments said about people we love
那些最真实的赞誉 最真诚的情感
when they can’t hear and savor and relish them?
要等到他们再也听不到 品味不到 享受不到了才说出口?
And how do we honor all those around us who are very much alive?
我们如何去褒奖身边那些还好端端活着的人?
So what if we turn regret on its head
如果我们换个思路来处理这份遗憾
and take all that love and conscientiousness
那些通常在人死后才说出的爱 才尽到的责
that we habitually express after people die
如果在人还活着的时候就去做
and do it while they’re still here?
那会怎么样呢?
Because doing that eases the pain of death and regret
因为这样做 可以缓解死亡和遗憾带来的痛楚
for both the dying and the living.
不管是对死去的还是活着的人都是如此
So I set out on an intentional quest to bear witness to people who are dying.
因此 我开始有意识地进行探索 为那些弥留之人作见证
As a hospice volunteer,
作为一名临终关怀志愿者
I’m learning that those who are dying,
我发现那些生命走到尽头的人
they want to know that they’re loved,
都想知道自己是被爱的
that they’ve loved well.
想知道自己有好好爱别人
They feel regret for all sorts of things.
他们会为许多事情感到遗憾
For things they didn’t do and words they didn’t say.
为那些没有做的事 没有说的话
Deep down, they want to know that their lives have mattered.
内心深处 他们想知道自己的人生是有意义的
They feel really mortal.
他们感到自己非常平凡
Because they are.
因为他们确实平凡
As am I.
我也一样
As are you.
你也如此
So when we learn a loved one may be dying,
所以当我们意识到一个所爱之人可能会逝去之时
we face a pivotal choice.
会面临一个关键选择
We can choose to say nothing
我们可以选择沉默
and hope that our words will sufficiently honor the person
然后希冀在他们离我们而去之后
who’s no longer here with us.
我们的话语能够充分地表现出对他们的敬意
Or we can step up and express our love and appreciation
或者 我们可以在他们还在世之时行动起来
while they’re still here.
表达出我们的爱和感激之情
And we can honor all those around us who are very much alive.
我们可以在身边的人还好端端活着的时候就赞誉他们
I call this intentional honoring of others “Gracenotes”.
我将这种有意赞誉别人的行为称作“感恩笺言”
And whether they’re written or spoken,
不管是写出来还是说出口
they’re this means of freely and openly acknowledging
都是一种自由开放地
someone’s presence and gifts.
认可别人的存在和馈赠的方式
I know in my bones that these sentiments lessen the pain of grief
我骨子里明白 这些情感可以减轻悲伤带来的痛楚
and increase its grace.
并且加深感恩之情
Like a musical grace note,
就像音乐里的花音(装饰音)
they’re that extra embellishment
它们是额外的点缀
that makes something beautiful even better.
是锦上添花
With Gracenotes, we let our family, our friends, our kids,
依着这感恩笺言 让我们的家人 朋友 孩子
even our colleagues know not just that they matter
甚至我们的同事 让他们不光知道自己重要
but how they matter.
还知道自己如何重要
And these notes also help us to overcome the illusion,
并且这些笺言还可以帮助我们克服错觉
the illusion that there’ll always be more time to let others know
总觉得来日方长 可以等以后再告诉别人
how they’re impacting the world.
他们是如何影响了这个世界
So what do you think keeps us from “gracing” each other this way?
所以你觉得是什么原因让我们不这样去“感恩”他人?
Lack of time?
没有时间?
Fear of feeling awkward?
害怕尴尬?
Unresolved anger?
未曾平息的愤怒?
Maybe a lack of forgiveness.
也许是缺少宽恕之心
With that in mind, I’ll tell you a bit about my friend Sandy.
说到这儿 我和大家聊聊我的朋友Sandy
For much of her life,
在她生命中的大部分时间里
she had this complicated relationship with her mom.
她和她妈妈的关系都比较复杂
She was holding on to decades of resentment.
她数十年来都心有怨念
Some of it was tied up in her mom’s alcoholism.
其中有一部分不满和她妈妈酗酒有关
But now her mom was dying of cancer.
但后来她妈妈得了癌症 生命在消逝
And as heart-wrenching as it was to admit,
尽管承认这一点让人心痛
she said sometimes she wanted her to die.
她说有的时候她希望她的妈妈死去
Sandy and I happened to go for a walk not long after my dad passed,
在我父亲过世后不久Sandy 和我碰巧一起散步
and I said I felt this sense of freedom and a lack of regret,
我说我心中感受到了一种自由和无憾
and I thought it had to be
我觉得这是必然的
because I gave him that note before he died.
因为我在父亲去世之前给他写了感恩笺言
So Sandy decided to write her mom a note,
所以Sandy决定也给她妈妈写一封笺言
and she included an honoring set of memories
其中包含了一些充满敬意的记忆
about what she did love about her mom.
她爱妈妈的真切记忆
She called me later, she said,
她后来给我打电话 说道
“You know what?
“你知道吗?
It was like magic.
就像魔法似的
I started liking my mom.
我开始喜欢我妈妈了
I forgave her.
我原谅她了
I felt compassion for her.
我开始同情她
My heart got softer.”
我的内心变得更柔软了”
Here’s the thing.
是这样的
When we’re writing a Gracenote,
在我们写感恩笺言的时候
you’re not trying to get published in a poetry anthology.
你不会想着要出诗选集发表
You don’t have to sound like Shakespeare.
你不需要有莎士比亚的腔调
My guess is you’re probably not trying to get a job at Hallmark.
我想你应该也不会尝试要在赫曼公司找份工作
Just want to sound like you.
只需表达自己就好
You just need to be willing to try.
你只需要愿意去尝试
You’re aiming for truth, authenticity, love.
以真实 坦诚和爱为目标
What I’ve learned over and over is that
我反复学到的经验就是
the pain of regret is always greater than the challenge of writing a Gracenote.
遗憾的痛苦总是比写一份感恩笺言的挑战来得深重
A moment of grace can be that simple and that profound.
片刻感恩 可以那样简朴 又那样深切
It’s an experience that forever touches the dying
那是可以永远抚慰将死之人
and those who are left behind.
以及还健在之人的经历
So what now?
所以现在要怎么做?
You might be sitting there thinking what you’d say
你也许正坐在这想自己该说什么
or how to get started.
或该怎么开头
Business groups and long-term care groups that I speak to
我交流过的商业团队和长期护理小组
use what I like to call the Mad Libs approach.
会用一种我喜欢称之为疯狂填词的方法
Maybe you played Mad Libs in middle school.
也许你在上初中的时候玩过疯狂填词
Maybe you still play Mad Libs.
也许你现在还在玩
It’s that fun, fill-in-the-blank word game.
就是那个挺有意思的文字填空游戏
So with a little bit of Mad Libs style, we get this easy-to-use
带着疯狂填词的风格 我们就有了这个简单易用的
Gracenotes road map.
感恩笺言路线图
“You are the only person I know who …”
“你是我唯一知道的……”
“I always laugh when I think about …”
“当我想到……的时候 我总是忍不住笑”
“You will leave a legacy around …”
“你会留下……的宝贵遗产”
Bottom line, you can’t do this wrong.
要点 你不会做错的
It’s impossible.
不可能出错的
And if writing’s not your thing,
如果你不擅长写字
what if you made a video?
那录个视频可以吧?
A drawing?
画幅画?
Maybe you’re really good at PowerPoint decks.
也许你很擅长做ppt也行
Could you write a grace sentence?
你能写出一句感恩的话吧?
The medium doesn’t matter.
用什么样的媒介无所谓
What matters is the doing.
重要的是去做这件事
What I’ve learned in this journey of my own
我自己经历了丧父
and in talking to others about their losses,
也和他人聊到过他们的亲人离世
is that Gracenotes create the sense of
从中学到的是 感恩笺言了带来了
completeness, contentedness and calm.
一种完整 满足和宁静的感觉
I vividly recall the last night my dad was alive.
我鲜明地记得父亲在世的最后一个晚上
By then he was unconscious, and everyone else had gone to bed.
那时他已神志不清 而其他人都睡下了
I sat with him with my hand softly on his.
我坐在他身边 轻柔地握着他的手
And on this unrepeatable night,
在那个不可重复的夜晚
I didn’t have to worry about trying to find the words
我不需要忧心去寻词觅句
to tell him all that he’d meant to me
来告诉他他对我如何重要
and only hope that he could hear what I said.
并且希冀他能够听到我说的话
Instead, I could be present to his dying.
而是可以坦然陪伴他的逝去
I could affirm that if this was his time to move on,
我可以确定 如果这就是他继续往前走的时刻
that was OK.
那也没有关系
I could love him with presence and with touch,
我可以带着风度和感动来爱他
knowing full well that my Gracenote those many years earlier
因为我非常明白多年前的那一封感恩笺言
had been a sincere and thorough rendering of his life well lived.
真诚且细致地呈现了他这良好的一生
Ever since, I’ve felt very little regret.
自那以后 我很少会感到遗憾
And I know it’s because I shared my full heart with him
我知道这是因为我和他分享了自己的整个内心
before it was too late.
在一切都太晚之前
So I hope, I deeply hope,
我希望 深深地希望
that you don’t know anyone who’s actively dying.
你的身边没有人正与死神抗争
But given the times we’re in, that may well not be the case.
但考虑到我们所处的(疫情)时代 事实可能并非如此
No matter what,
不管如何
I encourage you to just look around.
我鼓励你看看周围
People everywhere are dying to be seen and heard,
每个地方的人都渴望被看到 被听到
to know how they matter.
渴望知道自己如何重要
They’re dying to get your Gracenote.
他们渴望收到你的感恩笺言
So that is my death wish.
因此这就是我的死亡愿景
That you see how your note, no matter what form it takes,
希望你能看到 无论你的笺言是哪种形式
is like an oasis in a desert of people
它像是人际沙漠中一座绿洲
who are thirsty to know they’re making a difference.
让那些饥渴之人知道 世界因你而不同
Like my dad said,
就像我父亲说的
it’s better than having a eulogy read over a casket.
这总好过别人对着你的棺材念悼词
Thank you.
谢谢大家

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视频概述

为什么我们总是对他人的恩情后知后觉?为什么对所爱之人所说的那些真挚的赞誉,要等到他们再也品味不到了才说出口?Andrea Driessen提出了给生者写悼词的做法,一起来看看这会带来怎样的不同。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

木壳

审核员

审核员LJ

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaqaMwfYk_4

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