有种无可救药的症状会让人陷入社交灾难：
There’s a particularly poignant way one can be a social disaster:
过度友好
through over-friendliness.
这是一种由最好的动因驱使的行为方式
A pattern of behaviour driven by the very best of motives
结果却变得和粗鲁无礼一样恼人
which ends up feeling as irritating as outright rudeness.
在办公室有过度友好
We meet the over-friendly at the office,
比如因高级管理人员的笑话而“捧腹”大笑
laughing at the jokes of the senior management;
在酒店前台有过度友好
behind the desk at the hotel,
比如祝愿“先生”或“女士”能“十分”享受本次入住
wishing Sir or Madam a highly enjoyable stay
在第一次约会的餐桌上有过度友好
and across the table on a first date,
比如对于未来伴侣对最近书和电影的观点 他们肆意挥霍自己的赞同
lavishly endorsing their would-be partner’s every opinion about recent books and films.
过度友好因三大错误而难辞其咎：
The over-friendly are guilty of three large errors:
首先 他们坚信他们必须赞成一切
Firstly, they believe they must agree on everything.
如果别人说这世界马上要被狗掌控了
If the other says the world is going to the dogs,
他们马上点头赞同
they immediately nod in consent.
如果一秒钟过后 有人预测未来会变得乌托邦般地科技化
If a second later, there’s a prediction of a utopian technological future,
他们同样会立马同意
they’ll agree just as much.
当我们说了聪明话时 他们会激动不已
When we say something clever, they’re thrilled.
当我们说了愚蠢可笑的话时
When we say something equally daft,
他们也会同样喜欢
they like it no less.
他们一贯的赞同可能看起来很认真
Their ritual approval may seem attentive.
可事实上 这只是没在听的另一种表现形式
In truth, it’s a version of not listening at all.
第二 他们的夸奖很失败
Secondly, their praise is ill-targeted.
他们说很多好听的话
Plenty of nice things are being said,
可从来不被我们重视
but they’re not the ones that we happen to value.
他们会说喜欢我们的伞
They claim to love our umbrella,
我们的信用卡恰好来自他们最喜欢的银行
our credit card is from their favourite bank,
我们的椅子超级美
our chairs are deeply beautiful,
我们拿叉子的样子很好看
we apparently have a nice way of holding our fork…
但所有这一切对我们来说都会毫无意义
but none of this counts for us
如果和我们的个人价值观与成就毫无联系的话
if it isn’t connected up with our own sense of meaning and achievement.
每个人都喜欢被夸奖
Everyone loves being praised,
但胡乱夸奖本身却是一种侮辱
but to be praised inaccurately is its own kind of insult.
第三 他们的友好不停在升温
Thirdly, their friendliness is remorselessly upbeat.
他们指出我们看起来有多好 我们的工作听起来多棒
They point out how well we look, how impressive our job sounds,
我们的家庭生活看起来多完美
how perfect our family life seems.
他们想让我们感觉良好
They want to make us feel good,
但他们也在做一件危险的事——加大了表现
but they dangerously raise the cost of revealing any of the lonelier, darker,
我们性格中更孤单 更黑暗 更忧愁的一面的风险
more melancholic aspects of our characters.
对比之下 友好但不过度
By contrast, the less ardently friendly
因此也能恰到好处地讨人喜欢的人
and therefore properly pleasing person
都谨记着这三点：
will keep three things closely in mind:
第一 分歧不一定就是坏事
Firstly, that disagreement isn’t necessarily or always terrible,
或许反驳会令人振奋
that it may be exhilarating to be contradicted
在我们觉得不危及自尊
when we don’t feel that our dignity is at stake
也不是从一个争强好胜的人那里学到了有价值的东西时
and that we’re learning something valuable at the hands of a combative interlocutor.
第二 人们只希望在那些他们引以为傲的事情上被夸奖
Secondly, that people only want to be complimented on things that they are actively proud of.
夸奖的价值完全在于宁缺毋滥
The value of the currency of praise depends entirely on it not being spent too freely
所以真正讨喜的人知道他们必须学会知而不言
and so the truly pleasing person knows they must pass over many things in discreet silence,
因此当他们终于夸奖别人时
so that when they eventually do bestow a blessing,
他们就会得到恰当的回应
their words can have a proper resonance.
第三 那些说很多鼓舞人心的话的人
Thirdly, that we are cheered up not so much by people who say cheery things,
并不如看起来理解我们的人更能令我们振作
as by people who appear to understand us,
也就是说 要同情我们的痛苦
which usually means, sympathise with our sorrows
愿意与我们比肩同行
and show willingness to travel with us
去深入探索我们内心焦虑、踌躇、迷茫的部分
to the anxious, hesitant or confused parts of our psyches.
让讨喜的人讨喜的 是他们在社交中
What enables the pleasing person to please is their capacity to hold on in social encounters,
哪怕是面对非常可怕又看起来很奇怪的人
even with rather intimidating and alien-seeming people,
也始终深知如何满足这些人的能力
to an intimate knowledge of what satisfies them.
他们根据直觉 以个人经历为基础 推想他人的需要
They instinctively use their own experience as a base for thinking about the needs of others.
相比之下 过度友好的人
By contrast, the over-friendly person
放任自己忘了自己的喜恶
allows themselves to forget their own likes and dislikes,
在过分谦卑的压迫下
under the pressure of an excessive humility
他们以为任何有魅力的人
which suggests to them that anyone impressive
都绝对不能展露自我
could not possibly share in the principles that drive their own psychology.
在讨喜的人的魅力的核心之中 隐藏着一个形而上学的洞解：
At the core of the pleasing person’s charm is a metaphysical insight:
在心底 别人不能太“别人”
that other people cannot, deep down, ever be very ‘other’
因此 最核心地 一个人对自己的了解
and therefore that, in core ways, what one knows about oneself
是理解和与陌生人相处的黄金依据
will be the master key to understanding and getting along with strangers;
并非所有情况都适用 但已经足以改变格局
not in every case, but enough of the time to make the difference.
过度友好并非专属二人相处
Over-friendliness isn’t just a feature of one-to-one encounters;
广泛地说 这是存在于现代消费者身上一个根深蒂固的缺点
it’s an entrenched flaw within modern consumer society more generally.
这就是为什么航空公司会热情洋溢地祝愿我们能在刚抵达的城市拥有美好的一天
This explains why the airline exuberantly wishes us a perfect day upon landing in a new city,
服务员在上第一道菜时会说希望我们能度过一段难忘的时光
or why the waiter hopes we’ll have a truly wonderful time around the first course
服装店里的售货员
and why the attendant in a clothes shop
强扯微笑 建议我们试穿一条新裤子
pulls such a large smile along with their suggestion that we try on a new pair of trousers.
同理 造成这种令人窒息的友好的 是不能利用自己来推测陌生人的性情和需要
Here too, the cause of an asphyxiating friendliness is a sudden modesty and loss of confidence
导致的突如其来的谦卑和缺乏自信
around using oneself as a guide to the temperament and needs of a stranger.
公司总是过度关注客户的“客体化”
Companies become over-impressed by the apparent ‘otherness’ of their clients
从而忽略了他们有多少自我
and thereby overlook how many aspects of their own selves
在服务时受到了冷落
are being trampled upon in a service context.
他们忽略了 当刚刚从国外回到家时
They sidestep the knowledge that just after landing back home after a trip abroad,
我们可能会惧怕自己在家庭中的责任
we may feel horrified at the thought of our responsibilities in the family;
即使是在一家时装店里 我们也可能会受内向和忧伤的情绪的影响
or that moods of introversion and sadness can accompany us even inside a clothes boutiques.
他们表现得如同欢乐的火星人
They behave as if they were cheerful Martians encountering broken,
第一次遇见悲伤、复杂的人类
complex humans for the very first time.
这种过度友好的人的错误最终可以归结于感人的谦逊
The fault of the excessively over-friendly person can, in the end, be traced back to a touching modesty.
他们唯一错的就是
They are guilty of nothing more than a loss of confidence
在推己及人原则的有效性方面缺乏自信
in the validity of their own experiences as a guide to the pleasure of others.
过度友好的人的失败告诫我们 要想成功和别人相处愉快
The failure of the over-friendly types teaches us that in order to succeed at pleasing anyone,
我们必须首先接受
we must first accept the risk
坦率地表达自我所带来的使他们不悦的风险
that we might well displease them through a candid expression of our being.
成功的吸引力源于一种伊始的安全感——我们能够承受社交失败
Successful charm relies on an initial secure sense that we could survive social failure.
预演就算吸引别人一塌糊涂
Rehearsing how it would in the end be OK
最终你也能安然无恙
to make hash of seducing someone
这可能是正确地、自信地吸引别人的最好办法
is perhaps the best way to seduce them properly and confidently.
我们必须学会承受交友失败的风险
We must reconcile ourselves to the risk of not making friends
来赢得真正交上朋友的机率
to stand any chance of actually making any.