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不要害怕脆弱

The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown

那我就从这里开始说 几年前 一位活动策划给我打电话
So, I’ll start with this: a couple years ago, an event planner called me
因为那时候我要做个演讲
because I was going to do a speaking event.
她打电话说
And she called, and she said,
“我真的好纠结该如何在宣传手册上写你的个人简介”
“I’m really struggling with how to write about you on the little flyer.”
我当时就想 “有什么好纠结的?”
And I thought, “Well, what’s the struggle?”
她说 “我看到你演讲
And she said, “Well, I saw you speak,
我认为我应该称你为研究人员
and I’m gonna call you a researcher, I think,
但我怕如果我说你是个研究人员 就没人会来了
but I’m afraid if I call you a researcher, no one would come,
因为他们会觉得你很枯燥而且并不像什么研究员”
because they’ll think you’re boring and irrelevant.”
[笑声]
(Laughter)
然后我就说 “好吧”
And I was like, “Okay.”
她说 “但是我之所以喜欢你的讲话
And she said, “But the thing I liked about your talk
是因为你是个会讲故事的人
is you’re a storyteller.
所以我最好称你为一位讲故事的人”
So I think what I’ll do is just call you a storyteller.”
当然 那部分既学术又没安全感的自己却问
And of course, the academic, insecure part of me
“你要叫我什么?”
was like, “You’re going to call me a what?”
她回答说 “我要叫你’讲故事的人’.”
And she said, “I’m gonna call you a storyteller.”
然后我就说 ” 为什么不叫’魔法小仙女’?”
And I was like, “Why not ‘magic pixie’?”
[哈哈哈]
(Laughter)
我就说 “让我考虑一下”
I was like, “Let me think about this for a second.”
我鼓足了勇气
I tried to call deep on my courage.
然后觉得说 你知道我是位讲故事的人
And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller.
但本质上我是个研究员
I’m a qualitative researcher.
我收集故事 这就是我的工作
I collect stories; that’s what I do.
也许故事就是一个灵魂的履历
And maybe stories are just data with a soul.
也许我仅仅只是一个讲故事的人
And maybe I’m just a storyteller.
然后我说 “不如这样吧
And so I said, “You know what?
干脆就叫我研究员故事讲述者”
Why don’t you just say I’m a researcher-storyteller.”
然后她就忍不住笑了 “哈哈 根本就没有这种事好吧”
And she went, “Ha ha. There’s no such thing.”
[观众笑]
(Laughter)
所以我是研究员故事讲述者 今天我要讲的是
So I’m a researcher-storyteller, and I’m going to talk to you today —
我们要谈及认知扩充
we’re talking about expanding perception —
所以我想给你们讲一些故事
and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories
关于我的一部分研究从根本上充实了我的认知
about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my perception
也确确实实改变了我生活 爱
and really actually changed the way that I live and love
工作 以及为人父母的方式
and work and parent.
我的故事开始了
And this is where my story starts.
当我还是一个年轻的研究员兼博士生
When I was a young researcher, doctoral student,
第一年我们的一个研究教授给我们讲
my first year, I had a research professor who said to us,
“是这样的 如果你没法测量它 那它就是不存在的”
“Here’s the thing, if you cannot measure it, it does not exist.”
我以为他只是在耍嘴皮子
And I thought he was just sweet-talking me.
我问 “真的吗” 他说 “千真万确”
I was like, “Really?” and he was like, “Absolutely.”
所以你要理解
And so you have to understand
我有社会工作领域的本科学位 硕士学位
that I have a bachelor’s in social work and a master’s in social work,
我即将拿到我的社会工作博士学位 所以我的整个学术生涯
and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work, so my entire academic career
都被一群抱着“生活乱如麻 试着去爱它”的信条的人包围
was surrounded by people who kind of believed in the “life’s messy, love it.”
而我的信条却是 “生活乱如麻 你要整理它
And I’m more of the, “life’s messy, clean it up, organize it
然后把它装到便当盒里面”
and put it into a bento box.”
[观众笑]
(Laughter)
想想我找到了自己的方向 建立起一个事业
And so to think that I had found my way, to found a career that takes me —
真的 社会工作的一个重要理念是
in a, really, one of the big sayings in social work is,
“适应工作中的不适”
“Lean into the discomfort of the work.”
而我更倾向于“一头撞碎那些不适
And I’m like, you know, knock discomfort upside the head
把不适翻个底朝天 然后拿到最好的成绩”
and move it over and get all A’s.
这就是我的魔咒
That was my mantra.
我对这个很是激动
So I was very excited about this.
所以我想 啊哈 这不就是我的职业领域吗
And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me,
因为我对一些乱糟糟的话题感兴趣
because I am interested in some messy topics.
我还想试着把它们整理停当
But I want to be able to make them not messy.
我想理解它们
I want to understand them.
我想深入到这些我认为重要的事情里面
I want to hack into these things that I know are important
把它们摸透 然后用浅显易懂的方式呈献给每一个人
and lay the code out for everyone to see.
所以我们先来聊聊人际交往
So where I started was with connection.
因为 当你从事了社会工作十年之后
Because, by the time you’re a social worker for 10 years,
你会意识到 交际是我们存在的原因
what you realize is that connection is why we’re here.
交际给我们生活的目的和意义
It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.
这就是人际交往
This is what it’s all about.
那些致力于社会正义 心理健康 虐待与忽视的人
It doesn’t matter whether you talk to people
你跟他们交流与否都无所谓
who work in social justice, mental health and abuse and neglect,
我们所知道的是 社交 感知到联结的能力
what we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is —
从神经生物学上讲 那就是我们与他人联结的方式
neurobiologically that’s how we’re wired —
也是我们存在的原因
it’s why we’re here.
所以我想 呃 我们首先说一说社交
So I thought, you know what, I’m going to start with connection.
嗯 你知道这种情况
Well, you know that situation
当你得到你上司的评价
where you get an evaluation from your boss,
她告诉你37件你做的很棒的事的时候
and she tells you 37 things that you do really awesome,
结果却说还有一件事“还有提升的空间”
and one thing you know, “the opportunity for growth?”
[观众笑]
(Laughter)
这时你的思绪就集中在那件“待提升”的事上 对吧
And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right?
呃 显然我的工作也是如此
Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well,
因为当你问爱情时 他们说的是心碎
because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak.
当你问归属感时
When you ask people about belonging,
他们却告诉你他们最令人难受的被孤立的经历
they’ll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded.
当你询问社会关系时
And when you ask people about connection,
他们讲的故事都是关于孤独
the stories they told me were about disconnection.
所以很快 大概距这次演讲六周前
So very quickly — really about six weeks into this research —
我意识到某种不知名的东西 肯定是它拆散了人与人的关系
I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection
以一种我不理解或者没见过的方式
in a way that I didn’t understand or had never seen.
所以我重新开始探究
And so I pulled back out of the research
我想 我需要搞清楚这到底是什么
and thought, I need to figure out what this is.
最后我知道 这个不知名的东西 就是羞耻
And it turned out to be shame.
羞耻很容易理解为对失去联结的恐惧
And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection:
“我身上是不是有些特质 如果别人发现了
Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it,
就会认为我不值得交往”
that I won’t be worthy of connection?
是什么特质 我可以告诉你
The things I can tell you about it:
就是独一无二 我们都是
It’s universal; we all have it.
没有体验过羞耻的人
The only people who don’t experience shame
他们没有同情心也不会与人交往
have no capacity for human empathy or connection.
没人想谈论这个
No one wants to talk about it,
你越是不想谈论它 越说明你受它的影响
and the less you talk about it, the more you have it.
支撑起这种羞耻感的 这种“我不够好”的感觉
What underpinned this shame, this “I’m not good enough,” —
我们都知道这种感觉
which, we all know that feeling:
“我不够白 我不够苗条
“I’m not blank enough. I’m not thin enough,
不够富有 不够漂亮 不够聪明 不够有地位”
rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough.”
支撑起这种羞耻感的 是令人难堪的脆弱性
The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability.
这个想法 为了与人发生联结
This idea of, in order for connection to happen,
我们需要让我们自己坦诚相待 真的 坦诚
we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.
你知道脆弱的感觉 我讨厌脆弱感
And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.
所以我想 这就是我用量尺进行反击的好机会
And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick.
我要深入进去 我要搞明白这个东西
I’m going in, I’m going to figure this stuff out,
我要花上一年 我要把羞耻感彻底剖析开来
I’m going to spend a year, I’m going to totally deconstruct shame,
我要理解脆弱感是如何起作用的
I’m going to understand how vulnerability works,
我要打败羞耻感和脆弱感
and I’m going to outsmart it.
所以 我准备好了 而且很激动
So I was ready, and I was really excited.
你知道 结局并不会很好
As you know, it’s not going to turn out well.
[观众笑]
(Laughter)
你知道的
You know this.
所以 我本可以给大家讲解羞耻感
So, I could tell you a lot about shame,
但是这就要占用你们很多时间了
but I’d have to borrow everyone else’s time.
但是 我可以给你们一个结论
But here’s what I can tell you that it boils down to —
这也许是我在做这个研究的十年里
and this may be one of the most important things that I’ve ever learned
学到的最重要的事情之一
in the decade of doing this research.
我的一年时间变成了六年
My one year turned into six years:
期间我听到上千的故事 进行了上百的的长采访 专职小组
Thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups.
人们寄给我一些日记
At one point, people were sending me journal pages
分享着他们的故事
and sending me their stories —
六年里我读了人们上千的故事
thousands of pieces of data in six years.
我似乎发现了什么
And I kind of got a handle on it.
我似乎明白 这就是羞耻感 这就是它的机理
I kind of understood, this is what shame is, this is how it works.
我写了一本书 公布了我的理论 但是有些事不对劲
I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay —
就是 如果我仅仅粗略的以我采访的人为例
and what it was is that, if I roughly took the people I interviewed
把他们分为两类 一类是那些真正有价值感的人
and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness —
–归结起来就是 价值感–
that’s what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness —
他们勇于去爱并且拥有强烈的归属感 —
they have a strong sense of love and belonging —
一类是那些为价值感而奋斗的人
and folks who struggle for it,
他们总是担心自己不够好
and folks who are always wondering if they’re good enough.
有强烈爱和归属感的人
There was only one variable that separated
和为之苦苦奋斗的人
the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging
在这两者之间 只存在一个不同的变量
and the people who really struggle for it.
那就是 有强烈爱和归属感的人
And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging
他们相信他们自己值得被爱 值得被依赖
believe they’re worthy of love and belonging.
就是这样
That’s it.
他们相信自身的价值
They believe they’re worthy.
于我而言 使我们失去与他人的联结的
And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection
是我们对自己不配联结的恐惧
is our fear that we’re not worthy of connection,
这个结论 于我个人以及于我的研究领域
was something that, personally and professionally,
都是需要进一步探究 加深理解的
I felt like I needed to understand better.
所以我把所有的采访
So what I did is I took all of the interviews
其中涉及价值感的 以及人们带着价值感生活的地方
where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way,
单独拿出来深究
and just looked at those.
这群人有什么共同之处
What do these people have in common?
我有轻度的办公用品成瘾症 当然这是另一个话题了
I have a slight office supply addiction, but that’s another talk.
嗯 我有一个马尼拉纸文件夹 和一个三福记号笔
So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie,
我在想 我应该给这项研究取个什么名字
and I was like, what am I going to call this research?
我想到的第一个词是 “内心完整”
And the first words that came to my mind were “whole-hearted.”
那些内心完整的人 生活在这种深刻的价值意义上
These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness.
所以我把它写在我的文件夹顶部
So I wrote at the top of the manila folder,
然后开始处理这些数据
and I started looking at the data.
事实上 我首先在四天的时间里密集地分析那些数据
In fact, I did it first in a four-day, very intensive data analysis,
我回家后就翻出那些采访记录 那些故事 那些事件
where I went back, pulled the interviews, the stories, pulled the incidents.
怎样的主题 怎样的结构
What’s the theme? What’s the pattern?
我的丈夫带着孩子离开了镇子
My husband left town with the kids
因为我总像杰克逊•波洛克那样做一些疯狂的事
because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing,
我就写些东西 进入我的“研究者”模式
where I’m just writing and in my researcher mode.
于是我发现了这个
And so here’s what I found.
这些带有价值感的人 他们的共性是 他们都很无畏
What they had in common was a sense of courage.
我想在此区别一下无畏和勇敢
And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute.
无畏 最初的定义
Courage, the original definition of courage,
在一开始被引入英语时
when it first came into the English language —
它来源于拉丁语的“cor” 意指“心”
it’s from the Latin word “cor,” meaning “heart” —
它的最初含义是
and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are
“ ‘拥有完整的心’ 的你自己”
with your whole heart.
非常简单地 这些人都无畏于承认自己的不完美
And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect.
他们有着这样的怜悯之心 首先对自己好 其次才是对别人好
They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others,
因为 事实证明
because, as it turns out,
如果我们不懂得善待自己
we can’t practice compassion with other people
就不会懂得对他人怀有怜悯之心
if we can’t treat ourselves kindly.
最后是他们有与外界的联结 另外–这就是困难之处–
And the last was they had connection, and — this was the hard part —
一个可靠的结论是
as a result of authenticity,
他们很乐意不去执着于他们想要成为的人
they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be
而是坚持做自己 为了与别人取得联结
in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that
你也确实应该这样做
for connection.
他们的另一个共同点是
The other thing that they had in common was this:
他们都很接纳自己的脆弱
They fully embraced vulnerability.
他们相信 使他们脆弱的东西 同时也使他们显得更美好
They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful.
他们谈论脆弱时不会感到舒服
They didn’t talk about vulnerability being comfortable,
也不会因此苦恼
nor did they really talk about it being excruciating —
就像之前关于羞耻的采访一样
as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing.
他们只是认为脆弱是必要的
They just talked about it being necessary.
他们提及了他们乐意先说“我爱你”
They talked about the willingness to say, “I love you” first …
他们乐意做一些并没有保障的事情
the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees …
她们乐意平静地等待
the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call
医生关于乳腺检查的通告
after your mammogram.
他们乐意经营一段感情
They’re willing to invest in a relationship
不管这段感情能不能成功
that may or may not work out.
他们认为这是最基础的
They thought this was fundamental.
我个人认为我自己有点对不起他们
I personally thought it was betrayal.
我都不敢相信自己保证了对研究工作的忠诚
I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job —
你知道 我们的工作 在定义上看 是关于控制和预测
you know, the definition of research is to control and predict,
通过研究一些现象来做目的明确的控制和预测
to study phenomena for the explicit reason to control and predict.
而现在我的控制和预测的任务
And now my mission to control and predict
却得出这种结论 为了生存
had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability
带着脆弱 停止控制和预测
and to stop controlling and predicting.
这让我感觉有点小崩溃
This led to a little breakdown —
[观众笑]
(Laughter)
好吧 不仅仅是“小”崩溃
— which actually looked more like this.
[观众笑]
(Laughter)
呃 确实如此
And it did.
我称作崩溃 而我的医生称之为“精神觉醒”
I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening.
[观众笑]
(Laughter)
嗯 精神觉醒听起来比崩溃要好
A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown,
但是我可以确信 我的确是崩溃了
but I assure you, it was a breakdown.
而我还需要放下那些研究数据 然后去找一个心理医生
And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist.
让我告诉你一件事
Let me tell you something: you know who you are
当你告诉你的朋友们说“我想我需要看医生
when you call your friends and say, “I think I need to see somebody.
你有什么推荐的吗” 这时候你会对自己认识更深刻
Do you have any recommendations?”
因为我大概有五个朋友的反应是这样的
Because about five of my friends were like,
“额滴神啊 我可不想当你的心理医生”
“Wooo, I wouldn’t want to be your therapist.”
[观众笑]
(Laughter)
我说“这是什么意思”
I was like, “What does that mean?”
而他们回答 “你知道 我只是说
And they’re like, “I’m just saying, you know.
不要带着你的量尺去看心理医生”
Don’t bring your measuring stick.”
[观众笑]
(Laughter)
我说 “好吧。。。”
I was like, “Okay.”
于是我找了个心理医生
So I found a therapist.
我和黛安娜 我的心理医生 第一次见面时
My first meeting with her, Diana —
我坐着拿着我的单子 上面是那些“内心完整”的人的生活方式
I brought in my list of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down.
她问 “你过得怎样”
And she said, “How are you?”
我说 “很好 额 还行。”
And I said, “I’m great. I’m okay.”
她说 “事情进展怎么样”
She said, “What’s going on?”
嗯 这就是心理医生去看心理医生的场景
And this is a therapist who sees therapists,
因为我们需要走这个程序 因为他们都有能力辨别谎言
because we have to go to those, because their B.S. meters are good.
[观众笑]
(Laughter)
然后我说 “是这样的 我过的很艰难”
And so I said, “Here’s the thing, I’m struggling.”
她说 “怎样艰难”
And she said, “What’s the struggle?”
然后我说 “呃 因为脆弱
And I said, “Well, I have a vulnerability issue.
我知道脆弱是羞耻和恐惧的核心
And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear
也是我们为价值努力奋斗的核心
and our struggle for worthiness,
但是似乎脆弱带来了欢乐 创造力
but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity,
归属感 和爱
of belonging, of love.
我认为我有点毛病 我需要帮助”
And I think I have a problem, and I need some help.”
我继续说 “但是先说好 不提家庭纠纷 不提童年阴影”
And I said, “But here’s the thing: no family stuff, no childhood shit.”
[观众笑]
(Laughter)
“我只想要解决方案”
“I just need some strategies.”
[观众笑]
(Laughter)
[掌声]
(Applause)
谢谢大家
Thank you.
然后她像这样沉默的点了点头
So she goes like this.
[观众笑]
(Laughter)
我继续说 “很糟糕 对吧”
And then I said, “It’s bad, right?”
她说 “不好也不坏”
And she said, “It’s neither good nor bad.”
[观众笑]
(Laughter)
“它本身就是这样”
“It just is what it is.”
我说 “哦天哪 要变得糟糕了”
And I said, “Oh my God, this is going to suck.”
[笑]
(Laughter)
后来确实更糟了 或者说也不糟吧
And it did, and it didn’t.
这样大概过了一年
And it took about a year.
你们知道这样的人吗
And you know how there are people
当他们意识到自己的脆弱和敏感也很重要时
that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important,
他们会放弃抵抗 屈服于脆弱和敏感
that they surrender and walk into it.
第一 这不是我
A: that’s not me,
第二 我也不会跟这样的人在一起
and B: I don’t even hang out with people like that.
[笑]
(Laughter)
对我来说 这是个长达一年的巷战
For me, it was a yearlong street fight.
激烈的战争
It was a slugfest.
脆弱打我一拳 我又还击它一拳
Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back.
最后我打输了
I lost the fight,
但是我大概是赢得了自己的生活
but probably won my life back.
所以我又回到我自己的研究
And so then I went back into the research
花了接下来的好几年
and spent the next couple of years
很努力的尝试去理解那些“内心完整”的人
really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted,
他们是如何决策的 而我们又是如何处理脆弱的
what choices they were making, and what we are doing with vulnerability.
我们何必苦苦挣扎于此
Why do we struggle with it so much?
是只有我一个人在与脆弱作战吗
Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability?
并不是
No.
于是我学到了
So this is what I learned.
我们对脆弱很麻木
We numb vulnerability —
当我们等待医生的通告时
when we’re waiting for the call.
很有意思 我在推特和脸书上发了些东西
It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook
说 “你们如何定义“脆弱”这个词
that says, “How would you define vulnerability?
什么东西会让你觉得脆弱”
What makes you feel vulnerable?”
然后在九十分钟内 我收到了150条回复
And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses.
因为我想知道别人都是怎么想的
Because I wanted to know what’s out there.
“当我生病需要找我丈夫帮忙时 而且我们还是刚结婚”
Having to ask my husband for help because I’m sick, and we’re newly married;
“和丈夫开始性生活”
initiating sex with my husband;
“和妻子开始性生活”
initiating sex with my wife;
“被拒绝时” “约某人时”
being turned down; asking someone out;
“等医生的检查报告时”
waiting for the doctor to call back;
“被炒鱿鱼时” “辞退某人时”
getting laid off; laying off people.
这就是我们所生活的世界
This is the world we live in.
我们就生存在一个充满脆弱的世界里
We live in a vulnerable world.
而我们有一种处理脆弱的方法就是对脆弱麻木
And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.
我觉得我可以找到一些证据
And I think there’s evidence —
这也不是这些现象存在的唯一原因
and it’s not the only reason this evidence exists,
但是我认为这是主要原因
but I think it’s a huge cause —
在美国历史上 我们是最负债
We are the most in-debt …
最肥胖
obese …
最倾向于药物成瘾的一群成年人
addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history.
问题是 — 我从研究中认识到 —
The problem is — and I learned this from the research —
你不能选择性的对一些情感麻木
that you cannot selectively numb emotion.
你不能说 这是个坏东西
You can’t say, here’s the bad stuff.
这是脆弱 这是悲伤 这是羞耻
Here’s vulnerability, here’s grief, here’s shame,
这是恐惧 这是失望
here’s fear, here’s disappointment.
我不想感受到这些
I don’t want to feel these.
我要来一些啤酒和香蕉坚果松饼
I’m going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.
[笑]
(Laughter)
我不想感受到这些
I don’t want to feel these.
我知道 你们是理解的笑
And I know that’s knowing laughter.
我以黑进别人的生活为生
I hack into your lives for a living.
天哪
God.
[笑]
(Laughter)
你没办法只对那些艰难的情感感到麻木
You can’t numb those hard feelings
而不影响其他的情感 我们的感情
without numbing the other affects, our emotions.
你不能选择性麻痹
You cannot selectively numb.
所以当我们对那些坏的情感麻痹时
So when we numb those,
同时也麻痹了欢乐
we numb joy,
麻痹了感激
we numb gratitude,
麻痹了幸福
we numb happiness.
于是 我们就痛苦了
And then, we are miserable,
于是我们就会开始寻找生命的价值和意义
and we are looking for purpose and meaning,
于是我们感到脆弱
and then we feel vulnerable,
于是我们又去喝一罐啤酒吃一个香蕉坚果松饼
so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.
于是这就形成了一个恶性循环
And it becomes this dangerous cycle.
我认为我们需要考虑这样一个问题
One of the things that I think we need to think about
我们为什么 怎么样麻痹自己的
is why and how we numb.
这并不只是涉及成瘾
And it doesn’t just have to be addiction.
我们做的另一件事就是我们把不确定的事情变得确定
The other thing we do is we make everything that’s uncertain certain.
宗教信仰已经不再是一种对信念和奇迹的信仰 它成了必然
Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty.
“我是对的 你是错的 你闭嘴”
“I’m right, you’re wrong. Shut up.”
就是这样
That’s it.
都变成了必然
Just certain.
我们越是恐惧 越是脆弱
The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are,
进而更加恐惧
the more afraid we are.
这就是当今政治的模样
This is what politics looks like today.
不再有讨论
There’s no discourse anymore.
不再有交流
There’s no conversation.
有的只是责备
There’s just blame.
你知道责备在研究中被看作什么吗
You know how blame is described in the research?
责备被看作是一种发泄痛苦释放压力的途径
A way to discharge pain and discomfort.
我们拼命追求完美
We perfect.
如果有人想要自己的生活像这样子 那个人就是我
If there’s anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me,
但是这是做不到的
but it doesn’t work.
因为我们从臀部抽脂 移植到胸部
Because what we do is we take fat from our butts and put it in our cheeks.
[笑]
(Laughter)
我希望百年之后 人们对此事的评论是 “哇 呃…………”
Which just, I hope in 100 years, people will look back and go, “Wow.”
[笑]
(Laughter)
而且更危险的是 我们在孩子身上追求完美
And we perfect, most dangerously, our children.
让我告诉你我们对孩子们的看法
Let me tell you what we think about children.
他们出生就注定竞争
They’re hardwired for struggle when they get here.
当你把这些完美的小宝贝抱在怀里
And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand,
我们不应该说 “看她啊 真是个完美的宝宝
our job is not to say, “Look at her, she’s perfect.
我的职责就是保持她的完美–
My job is just to keep her perfect —
确保她五年级就进入网球队 八岁就进耶鲁”
make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh.”
这不是我们的职责
That’s not our job.
我们的职责是对她说
Our job is to look and say,
你知道吗 你并不完美 你应当奋斗
“You know what? You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle,
但是你仍然值得被爱 值得获得依赖
but you are worthy of love and belonging.”
这才是我们应该做的
That’s our job.
如果让我看到我们的下一代像这样被养大
Show me a generation of kids raised like that,
我可以预见 我们现在所看到的问题 都将被解决
and we’ll end the problems, I think, that we see today.
我们假装我们的行为对他人没有影响
We pretend that what we do doesn’t have an effect on people.
在我们的私生活中
We do that in our personal lives.
我们做一些相同的事
We do that corporate —
不管是紧急求助还是石油泄露
whether it’s a bailout, an oil spill …
或者是一起召回事件
a recall.
我们假装我们所做的事
We pretend like what we’re doing
对他人没有很大影响
doesn’t have a huge impact on other people.
我可能会对那些公司说 这不是我们的第一次竞技 伙计
I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people.
我们只需要你诚实一点 诚恳一点 对我们说一句
We just need you to be authentic and real and say …
“我们很抱歉 我们会处理好这个问题”
“We’re sorry. We’ll fix it.”
但是还有其他的途径 我把它留给你们
But there’s another way, and I’ll leave you with this.
这是我的结论
This is what I have found:
让我们坦诚相待 真正的坦诚 即使暴露自己的脆弱
To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen …
让我们全心全意的去爱 就算没有成功的保障
to love with our whole hearts, even though there’s no guarantee —
这的确有点困难
and that’s really hard,
而我作为父母 可以告诉你这的确是有些难以忍受的困难
and I can tell you as a parent, that’s excruciatingly difficult —
让我们身体力行的去感恩和享受欢乐 即使是在那些恐惧的时刻
to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of kind of terror,
当我们疑惑于 “我可以这么爱你吗”
when we’re wondering, “Can I love you this much?
“我可以这么真诚的相信它吗”
Can I believe in this this passionately?
“我能这么残暴吗”
Can I be this fierce about this?”
你要停止这些想法 不要小题大作的担心未发生的事
just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen,
仅仅简单的告诉自己 “我心存感激”
to say, “I’m just so grateful,
“因为我所感到的这些脆弱正意味着我们还活着”
because to feel this vulnerable means I’m alive.”
最后 我认为可能是最重要的
And the last, which I think is probably the most important,
我们要相信我们已经足够好了
is to believe that we’re enough.
因为当你有一份工作时 我相信 那就意味着你已经足够好了
Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, “I’m enough” …
然后 让我们停止喊叫 认真倾听
then we stop screaming and start listening,
我们对身边的人更友好 更温柔
we’re kinder and gentler to the people around us,
也对我们自己更友好 更温柔
and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves.
就这么多吧 谢谢大家
That’s all I have. Thank you.
[掌声]
(Applause)

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视频概述

脆弱是我们产生恐惧、羞耻的根源,但脆弱本身并不可怕也不可耻,它理应被正视和接纳。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

理科生

审核员

赖皮

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

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