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何谓可相许终身之良人

The person you really need to marry | Tracy McMillan | TEDxOlympicBlvdWomen

When I was growing up,
在我成长的过程中
there was this song we used to sing on the playground,
曾经在操场上唱过这样一首歌
and it went like this,
歌词是这样写的:
“Tracy and so and so, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g,
‘’Tracy等等坐在树下 亲嘴儿
first comes love, then comes marriage,
首先是爱情 接着是婚姻
then comes baby in a baby carriage.”
然后是童车里的婴儿‘’
And I’m like, “OK,
我就想 ‘’好吧
that’s it! That’s how you do life.That’s how you do a relationship.
就是这样 就这样过一辈子 就这样谈恋爱
Love, marriage, baby carriage. OK, got it!”
爱情 婚姻 童车 好 我懂了‘‘
And then I grew up,
然后我长大成人了
and this is what my life turned out to be.
这就是我现在生活的样子
Slightly more complicated, right?
稍微复杂了点儿 对吧
Love, marriage, divorce,dry spells, love, marriage, co-parenting,
爱情 婚姻 离婚 空窗期 爱情 婚姻 共同抚养孩子
another marriage, another divorce;
再一次婚姻 再一次离婚
you got the picture.
你看懂这张图了吧
So if you’re good at math and/or a fast reader,
如果你擅长数学或者一目十行
what you’ve got there is that I’ve been married three times.
你可以看出 我结过三次婚
Yep,three, and divorced.
对 三次 并且都离了
And what that is supposed to mean is that I’m a total failure at relationships.
这也许意味着 我在感情方面一败涂地
And that is one way to look at it,
这是看待问题的其中一个角度
but not the only way.
但绝不是唯一的
Because what I think really happened is that I kept marrying the wrong person.
因为我觉得自己真的是一直都嫁错了人
No,it’s not that I didn’t —
我没有
you know it’s not that I chose bad guys.
并不是说我选择了坏男人
My first two husbands were amazing men
我的前两任丈夫都是很棒的男士
who are now married to wonderful women who aren’t me.
他们现在都娶了贤妻 那个人不是我
And my third husband, well, we’re friends on Facebook now.
我的第三任丈夫 我们现在在脸书上是朋友
So, all is well that ends well, right?
所以 一切都好 对吧
After the collapse of my third marriage in 2005,
在2005年 我的第三次婚姻土崩瓦解后
I realized that I’ve been marrying everyone in sight,
我意识到自己的每次婚姻都是闪婚
except the one person that I really needed to marry
除了为赢得一段更美好的感情
in order to have a great relationship
值得嫁的那个人
and that once I married that person,
我一旦嫁了那个人
all of my relationships would be successes, even the failures.
我所有的关系都会是成功的 即使是失败
The so-called failures, actually.
其实是 所谓的失败
Since we’re talking today about women inventing,
鉴于今天我们正讨论女性创造
I’m going to talk about inventing relationships.
我要说说建立关系
What I’ve found through a lot of trial and obviously, many, many, many errors,
通过大量实践 显而易见 我发现 许多 许多 许多的错误
to be the thing that has transformed my life and love,
改变了我的生活和爱情
and that is this idea of marrying yourself.
这就是和自己结婚的想法
So what does it mean to marry yourself?
和自己结婚是什么意思呢
It’s a big idea.
这是个大想法
It is as big as marriage itself except,
和结婚本身一样郑重
if I could just summarize it,
如果简而言之
it would be that you enter into a relationship with yourself
你可以和自己发展一段关系
and then you put a ring on it.
并附上戒指一枚
In other words, you commit to yourself fully.
换句话说 全心全意对待自己
And then you build a relationship with yourself
然后 与自己开始一段恋情
to the point where you realize that you’re whole right now,
直到你觉得自己现在是完整的
that there is no man, woman, job,circumstance
没有男人 女人 工作等情况
that can happen to you that is going to make you more whole
能作用于你并使你更加完整
because you already are.
因为你早已很完整了
And this changes your life.
而且这还会改变你的人生
So by now, I’m sure at least some of you are wondering
现在 我肯定你们中的一部分在想
why you should be listening to a three-time divorcee talk about marriage?
为什么要听一个离婚三次的女人谈婚姻?
Even to herself. And I understand that.
就算是对她来说也是如此 我理解
Here’s what I have to say about that:
以下是我必须要说的:
is what I’ve learned and my experience is
我学到的和我的经验是
that the places where you have the biggest challenges in your life
你在人生中遇到最大挑战的地方
become the places where you have the most to give if you do your inner work.
若能修身养性 此处会成为你收获最多的地方
I kind of want to say that again:
我还想再强调一遍:
the places where you have the biggest challenges
面临最大挑战的地方
are the places where you have the most to give.
即是你收获最多的地方
So let me tell you a little bit
我来告诉大家一些
about the person I truly needed to marry: myself.
我真的想嫁的这个人:我自己
I am from Minneapolis. Wooh!
我来自于明尼阿波利斯
My mom was a prostitute and an alcoholic.
我的妈妈是性服务工作者也是一个酒鬼
She put me in foster care when I was three months old.
我三个月大的时候 就被她交给了寄养家庭
My dad was a criminal;
我父亲是罪犯
he was a drug dealer and a pimp with a heart of gold
是个心地善良的毒贩和皮条客
– actually, they both had hearts of gold –
事实上 他们俩都很善良
and he spent more or less my whole life in prison.
几乎在我全部的人生中 他都呆在监狱里
He just got out of prison after his most recent sentence which was 20 years.
最近他刚服满20年刑期 得以刑满释放
and I spent, you know
我花了 你知道
until the age of nine, I was probably in two dozen foster homes.
九岁时 我大概就在二十几个寄养家庭生活过
The thing you need to know about this story
对这个故事 你需要知道的是
– there are a lot of details, obviously –
有很多细节 显而易见
but the thing you need to know
但你需要知道的是
is that I came out of that childhood with one goal: to never be left.
我的童年就只有一个目标:永远不被遗弃
And the way I was going to do that is
我过去的方法就是
that I was going to get married.
我要结婚
That was the way I was going to accomplish that goal.
这就是我达到目的的方式
So I got married the first time to
所以我的首次婚姻是
a guy I met when I was 17.
和我17岁时遇到的小伙子
We got married a couple of years later, when I was 19.
几年后 我们结婚了 那时我19岁
He was a really good guy from a great family,
他真的是个出身优越的好男人
he had an MBA.
拥有MBA
I mean, it was like, you know, marriage material.
我的意思是 这就像 你懂得 物质婚姻
And you know, I was thrilled.
你明白 我很兴奋
I was like,”I have a family. I belong somewhere. This is wonderful.”
就像是 ‘’我有家了 我有归属了 这太棒了‘’
And then after five years I left him.
过了5年 我离开了他
Then ten years later,
然后10年之后
I got married again to another wonderful guy,
我再次和一个很棒的人结婚了
who is the father of my now 16-years-old son.
他是我16岁儿子的父亲
We still have a wonderful relationship.
我们的关系依然很好
He is a really good guy.
他人真的很好
But after four years I left him, too.
但四年以后我也离开了他
And I am not proud to say that I did that,
讲述这些事情不会让我感到骄傲
but in order to really marry yourself,
但为了真正与自己结婚
you have to get sometimes very painfully honest with yourself
你必须对你自己做过的事非常诚实
about what it is that you’ve done.
即使那伴随着痛苦
So I’m not proud of that.
所以我并没有以此为傲
Then eight years later,
八年以后
I got married again, when I was 40,
我又结婚了 那时我四十岁
and I was like,”OK, this feels right!”
就像是 ‘’嗯 这次感觉对了‘’
Let me tell you what felt right to
我来告诉你们
a girl who was in 24 foster homes:
对一个在24个寄养家庭生活过的女孩 这是什么感觉:
a guy who started to date after nine months of marriage; essentially,
一个男人结婚九个月后开始约会 基本上
he started dating a 21-year-old girl.
他开始和一个21岁的女生约会
OK, I mean, it would be funny,
好吧 我是说 如果这件事不是那么悲惨
if it weren’t so tragic.
还是很好笑的
You have to have a sense of… that is why we’re Facebook friends. So,
你必须有这样一种意识 为什么我们在脸书上是朋友 所以
here I am looking at this person that I just described with a terrible track record of relationships,
我正看着这个我刚描述的 拥有一段糟糕情史的男人
and I’m like,”I’m supposed to marry her?
心想 ‘’我该娶她吗?
This is the woman you want me to marry?”
你想让我娶的是这个女人吗‘’
And the answer is yes.
答案是 没错
Because here is the deal:
是这样的:
the thing about marrying yourself is not just like cohabitating.
和自己结婚并不只是共处
You’re not just going to date
你不仅要约会一段时间
for a while and see how it turns out.
还要看看事情如何发展
You are going to do this till death do you part.
你要这么做 直至死亡将你们分离
You are going to take vows.
你还要立誓
So here are the vows.
以下是誓言
Number 1: you are going to marry yourself for richer or for poorer.
第一 无论富有或贫穷 你都会和自己结婚
This means you are going to love yourself right where you are.
这意味着 任何时候你都会爱自己
You don’t say to yourself,
你不会对自己说
” When you get to the corner of Hollywood and Vine,
“当你在《好莱坞与酒》中饰演角色时
then I will marry you.”
我就娶你“
You don’t say,” When you lose ten pounds,
你不会说:“你减肥十磅
then I will love you.”
我才会爱你“
And you don’t say,”If you hadn’t married that loser, I would love you,
你不会说”如果当初你没嫁给那个废物 我就会爱你
but since you did, I’m sorry, I think it’s over.”
但既然你做了 对不起 我们结束了”
When you marry yourself,you walk yourself down that aisle exactly where you are.
和自己结婚时 你会沿着那条路走到你现在的位置
And paradoxically, I found that loving myself exactly where I am
奇怪的是 我发现 喜欢现在的自己
is the only way to get where I am going.
是到达目的地的唯一途径
Number 2: you are going to marry yourself for better or for worse.
第二 无论好坏 你都会和自己结婚
So what this means is
这意味着
that most of us are willing to love ourselves for better,
我们多数更愿意爱更好的我们
I mean, sure, I am having a great hair day today.
我的意思是 当然 我今天发型很美
I love me.
我爱我自己
That’s not what I am talking about.
这不是我正在谈的
I’m talking about for worse, you know, the big life disappointments.
我要谈的更糟 你知道 人生中的失望
Maybe you don’t own a home,
也许你没有成家
you didn’t get the career you wanted,
没有从事希望的工作
maybe you didn’t graduate from college, or get the relationship you wanted.
也许你并非大学毕业 或拥有一段憧憬的恋情
Maybe it hasn’t turned out– maybe you fight with your mum,
也许还没有发生 也许你会和妈妈吵架
maybe you watch too much reality TV,
也许你看了太多现实剧
whatever it is, it doesn’t matter anymore.Right?
无论是什么 都不再重要了
Because when you marry yourself,
因为当你和自己结婚时
you agree to stay with you no matter what.
无论如何 你都会承诺和自己在一起
Third, you marry yourself in sickness and in health.
第三 无论健康或疾病 都会和自己结婚
What this means is that you forgive yourself for your mistakes.
这句话的意思是 原谅自己的错误
A mistake isn’t actually a failure
错误并非失败
unless you don’t learn from it
除非你不吸取教训
and unless you don’t grow.
除非你不会成长
There is a saying,” You ask for patience,
有这样一句谚语:“你想要耐心
and what you get is a line at the bank.”
那就在银行排队”
What that means is
它的意思是
that life does not give you what you’ve asked for,
生活并不能给你所有你想要的
it gives you the people, places, and situations
他给了你人物 地点 情景
that allow you to develop what you ask for.
允许你发展自己所希冀的
And the thing is
事实是
if you don’t get it right the first time,
你第一次做不对
life will give it to you again.
生活会再给你一次机会
Because life is very generous that way.
因为生活就是那么慷慨
It’s like I didn’t get it the first time,
就像一开始
in the first marriage,
第一次婚姻中我没有得到我想要的
and I didn’t get it the second time,
第二次我还是没有得到
maybe the third time I’ll get it.
或许第三次我会得到
So inside that terrible experience of that third marriage,
所以在第三次糟糕的婚姻经历下
I learned something about”in sickness and in health”.
我学会了一些关于“无论疾病或健康”的事
What I learned is how to sit by my own bedside,
我学会了如何独自坐在床边
and how to hold my own hand,
如何握住自己的手
and how to nurse myself,
如何照顾自己
and how to comfort myself.
如何安慰自己
What I learned is that I am a person that I can count on.
我意识到自己是那种独立自主的人
Last but not least, you marry yourself–
最后一点 和自己结婚
when you marry yourself, it’s to have and to hold yourself.
和自己结婚 就是拥有和拥抱自己
So, what does it mean to have and to hold?
那么 拥抱和拥有是什么意思呢
Well,I think it means that you love yourself
我想这意味着
the way you want someone else to love you.
以希望他人爱你的方式爱自己
I had always been going through life with this sense of lack.
在生活中我一直有着这样一种缺失的感觉
I felt like I was kind of half a person,
我觉得自己只是半个人
and that I was missing something.
总是缺了点什么
I went into my relationships hoping to solve this feeling
我步入这段感情 希望能够解决
that I had my entire life:
我整个生命中的这种感觉:
that I was not whole unless someone loved me.
有人爱自己 自己才是完整的
The truth was
真相是
that I wasn’t ever going to feel whole until I learned to love myself.
我在学会如何爱自己之前不会变的完整
So this business of marrying yourself transforms every area of your life:
和自己结婚将会改变你生命的各个阶段:
your business, family relationships, kids, social relationships, friends.
你的生意 家庭关系 孩子 社会关系 朋友
Because when you marry yourself, this huge thing happens:
因为当你娶了自己 这样一件大事会发生:
you become able to love in this whole new way.
你会以全新的方式爱自己
You become able to love other people right where they are,
你会爱上身边的人
for who they are,
无论他们是什么样子
the same way you’re already loving yourself.
就像爱自己一样爱他们
And of course, this is what the world needs more of.
当然 这是我们的世界所需要的
So when I married myself,
当我和自己结婚时
and I realized that I already had everything I needed,
我意识到自己已经拥有了我想要的一切
I started seeing it
我开始明白
as my job to basically just light up my little corner of the world.
我的工作只是点亮我生命的一角
That’s my new job.
这是我的新工作
Because I don’t need anything, I already have it.
因为我不需要任何东西 我已经拥有了
So when I take meetings,
当我参加会议时
it’s all about how can I help this person achieve her goal?
这关乎我怎样帮助别人实现目标
When I’m in my social communities,
当我在社交时
it is like what can I bring to this that only I can bring?
就像是 我能带来什么独特的东西?
When I go on dates,
当我约会时
it is like how can I
就像
just discover another person maybe for just one hour which,
我如何在短短一小时内发现另一个人
of course, brings me a full circle.
当然 带给我一个完整的过程
Because people always asked me about my love life; they want to know.
因为人们经常问起我的恋情 他们就是想知道
You know, the answer is, I am still working on it.
你知道 答案是 我仍然在努力中
Aren’t we all? You know
我们不都是吗
So this is where I am right now.
这是我现在的情况
About three months ago, I went on a first date.
三个月以前 我第一次去约会
About 30 minutes into the date, I found myself paying attention
30分钟后 我发现我关注的不是
not to whether he liked me, but how I felt in his presence.
他是否喜欢我 而是在他面前我的感觉
I noticed that I was light, happy, joking.
我注意到自己很轻松 开心 幽默
As I reflected on the date afterwards, I was like,”Wow, I got really excited! Look,
回想这次约会 我想:“ 哇 我真的太开心了 看呐
this is how committed I am to myself.”
这是我承诺自己的方式“
I am not even on this date trying to get someone to like me.
甚至我约会都不是为了别人喜欢我
I am more interested in how I feel
我更在乎我的感受
about me than how he feels about me,
而不是他对我的感觉
not because I am selfish, but because the only relationship
不是因为我自私 而是因为
I am ever going to have with another person
我唯一会发展的
is the one that I am already having with myself –
是我和自己已经拥有的关系
just going to have it with them now.
只是现在和他们一起发展这段关系而已
So it turned out he liked me, and we are still together.
最终他喜欢我 我们现在还在一起
It’s cool and amazing, but I’ve been married three times,
这很酷也很美妙 但是我结过三次婚
so slow down!
所以 慢慢来
The thing is that I am not trying to get security
事实上我并不是试着
from him through marriage, and,
通过与他的婚姻获取安全感 并且
God forbid, a baby carriage.
但愿这样的事不会发生 一辆童车
I am only here to just be in a relationship.
我在这儿只是为了开始一段感情
I am not dying to hear the words,”Will you marry me?”
我并不渴望听到:“你会嫁给我吗?”
Because even though those words are very powerful
因为就算这些话语掷地有声
– and very powerful to a person like me –
对像我这样的人很有说服力
I don’t need them to hear it from him
我不需要从他那儿听到这些
because I have already heard them from myself.
因为我已经听到了我自己的声音
The way I see it is
在我看来
like I took myself to the top of a mountain,
就像爬山登顶
or maybe to the bottom of the ocean,
或者潜入海底
and I got down on one knee, and I said,”I’ll never leave you.”
然后我单膝下跪 说道:“我永远不会离开你”
And now I am married to the one
现在我已经
person I really wanted to be with all along, myself.
嫁给了我真心想与之在一起的人:我自己
Thank you.
谢谢

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视频概述

什么人才值得相守一生?

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

Julianne

审核员

审核员 V

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3fIZuW9P_M

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