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会让别人喜欢你的一件事——蜜友课3

The One Thing That Will Make Everyone Like You

欢迎收看《蜜友课》 第三节课
Welcome to lesson 3 of the BeeFriend course.
在上一节课中 我们学到了“友谊公式”
In our previous lesson we learned about the Formula of Friendship,
里头的四个因素影响着我们的友情的深度
which are the four factors that determine how deep our relationships with others go.
然而 光是应用这四个因素
However, if all you do is employ these four factors,
不能保证你能交到朋友
you are not guaranteed to befriend others.
这是因为你得遵循一条规则
This is because there is one rule that you have to stick to
才能确保你是在交友 而非结仇
in order to make sure that you are developing friendships and not making enemies instead.
它叫做“交友黄金法则”
It’s called the “Golden Rule of Friendship”.
几年前
Now a couple of years ago,
我和一个女生出去玩 就叫她史黛西吧
I hung out with this girl, let’s call her Stacy,
她告诉我 她很难交上长久的朋友
who told me that she struggled with making long-lasting relationships.
史黛西从小就没有朋友
Stacy didn’t have any childhood friends,
到了高中也没有朋友
she didn’t have any high-school buddies,
连她的同事也很少叫她出来玩
and even her co-workers rarely asked her to hang out.
她总是觉得和她交朋友的人对她不忠诚
She always felt like the people she befriended did not stay loyal to her,
当时我不知道她做错了什么
and at the time I didn’t know what she was doing wrong.
后来我花了几年时间学习社交技能
But after years of learning about social skills
回想起了史黛西与别人的交流
and thinking back to the way Stacy interacted around others,
我这才开始意识到
I started to realize that it was because
这一切是因为她经常违反交友黄金法则
she always broke the Golden Rule of Friendship.
交友黄金法则是 要想人们喜欢你
The Golden Rule of Friendship states that if you want people to like you,
你就要让他们感到舒服
you have to make them feel good.
如果你能让人们感到舒服
if you make people feel good,
他们就会更想亲近你
they will want to be around you more,
但如果让他们难受 他们就会避开你
but if you make them feel bad, they will avoid you.
听起来很简单 但有很多种行为
It sounds pretty simple, but there are many, many ways
会让人不小心违反这一法则
that people accidentally break this rule.
事实上 史黛丝在三方面违反了这一法则
In fact, Stacy broke this rule in three different ways.
我们纽约人把史黛西的表情称作“天生臭脸”
See the thing is, Stacy had what we New Yorkers call a “resting bitch face”.
她脸上的眉头总是轻微皱着
It’s a combination of a subtle frown combined with glazed over eyes
双眼无时无刻都呆滞无神
plastered on your face 24/7.
与这张脸有几分相似
It kind of looks something along the lines of this.
史黛西在交友黄金法则下的第一宗罪是
This was the first way that Stacy broke the Golden Rule of Friendship:
肢体语言不良
by having bad body language.
她表现出的肢体语言
See, the body language she portrayed
不仅让她显得对你和你说的话不感兴趣
made it seem like she wasn’t interested in you, what you were saying,
还让人以为与她交流会让她不高兴
and that she was unhappy when you interacted with her.
与某人说话时 若对方显得不高兴 不感兴趣
When you speak to someone and they look unhappy and uninterested,
你会心想 “我很无聊吗?
you think to yourself, “Oh, is what I’m saying boring?
她有没有在听我说话?
Is she even listening to me?
我应不应该走掉?”
Should I just leave?”
这种事要是一再发生
And if this happens over and over again,
你以后就会本能地试着避开他们
you will instinctively try to avoid them in the future.
当对方对你的话不感兴趣 你不会想跟他聊天
Nobody wants to talk to someone who seems uninterested in whatever they’re saying.
你可能会想:
Now you’re probably wondering,
“激励胶囊 若要避免这类情况
“Improvement Pill, what sort of body language
我们该用何种肢体语言呢?
should we be using to prevent something like this?
好的肢体语言包括什么?
What are some examples of good body language?
坏的肢体语言包括什么?”
What are some examples of bad ones?”
别担心 在《蜜友课》课程里头
Well don’t worry, because we’re gonna dive deep into that
我们会在后续的几个视频中讨论这个
with multiple videos in the next portion of the BeeFriend course.
但现在 我们先来谈谈史黛西
But for now, let’s talk about the second way
在交友黄金法则下的第二宗罪
Stacy broke the Golden Rule of Friendship.
我跟史黛西曾经有过这样一场对话
So, I remember a specific interaction that I had with Stacy
我告诉她 我的高中成绩很差
I was telling her a story of how I did poorly in high school,
我的社交生活不精彩
how I didn’t have a good social life,
但经过了一番改过 我从谷底爬了出来
but also how I was able to make changes and get out of rock bottom.
这段很私人的回忆让我铭记于心
Now this is a pretty personal story that I hold dear to my heart.
而且让我感到很自豪
It’s a story that I’m very proud of,
我也很少把这则故事告诉别人
and it’s a story that I seldom tell people.
然而故事才讲到一半的时候
But at around the halfway point before I could finish my story,
史黛西插嘴讲起了自己的故事
Stacy butted in and she started telling me a story
她谈到她高中时的困难
about her struggles in high school,
又说她比我更难交上朋友
how she had a harder time than me making friends,
还说她的谷底远比我的糟糕
and how her rock bottom was way worse than mine.
史黛西在交友黄金法则下的第二宗罪
The second way that Stacy broke the Golden Rule of Friendship
就是她凡事都以自己为中心
was by making everything about herself.
大多数人喜欢讲自己的事情
See the thing is, the majority of people enjoy talking about themselves.
讲故事时有人倾听 让人觉得开心
It feels good to tell a story and have people listen to you.
但是当有人插话 讲起自己的故事时
But when someone cuts you off and proceeds to tell their own story,
他们是在告诉你:
they’re doing two things:
第一 他们不在乎你或你的故事
Number one, they’re telling you that they don’t care about you or your story
这种感觉糟透了
which is a terrible feeling
第二 他们要你听自己的故事
and number two, they’re telling you that they want you to listen to them
这是为了让自己开心 不是让你开心
to make them feel good and not the other way around.
如果你总是把话题转回到你自己
If you constantly redirect the conversation back to yourself,
基本上 你是在要求其他人向你付出
you’re essentially asking everyone else to give you something
却又不给予任何回报
without getting anything back in return.
我想 史黛西交不到朋友
I think this was actually the biggest reason
最大的原因就是这个:
as to why Stacy didn’t have any long-lasting relationships,
她凡事都以自我为中心
because she made everything about herself.
在讨论史黛西的第三宗 即最后一宗罪之前
Now before we get into the third and final way Stacy screwed up,
我要先简略地提起一件事
I do want to mention something really really fast.
《蜜友课》《自我驯服》之类的课程都很有效
We all know going through a course like the BeeFriend course or the Tamed course is effective,
但是参加这类课程
but it’s nowhere nearly as powerful as committing
远远不及接受指导那样有效
to a hands-on coaching program.
如果你对此感兴趣 而且愿意向自己投资
If you are interested in this, and you’re willing to invest money in yourself,
请点击下方简介框的链接 订阅我的通讯
please sign up for my mailing list using the link in the description box below
以后就能收到最新消息了
to receive future updates.
你和别人相聚时的话题
Now there are thousands of different things you can talk about
可以有上千种
when you hang out with someone else,
而你所选择的话题
and the sort of topics you choose to discuss
对你们之间整体交流发挥着极大的影响
can have a huge impact on the overall interaction.
史黛西老爱讲述她的过去
Stacy liked to talk about her past,
她以前比现在还瘦
how she used to be skinnier,
她以前的头发比较美
how she used to have nicer hair.
我们一起用餐时 她老爱抱怨食物难吃
When we ate together, she liked to complain about the food,
餐厅的服务素质有多么不好
and how the service at this one wasn’t so great.
她什么都要挑剔
She was super critical of everything.
史黛西的第三宗罪 也是最后一宗罪
The third and final way Stacy broke the Golden Rule of Friendship
就是她讲了太多负面的话
was by talking too much about negative things
想想看:伴随着你的负面言论的
Think about this: when you talk about something negative,
究竟是什么样的情绪呢?
what sort of emotion are you bringing to the table?
这要看你讲的话题了
Well, depending on what you’re talking about,
负面情绪有很多种
it could be a wide variety of things
比如愤怒 厌恶 嫉妒 悲伤等
such as anger, disgust, jealousy sadness, etc.
但这些情绪有个共同点
But all of these emotions have one thing in common:
就是它们让人难受
they don’t feel good.
你分享的负面话语
When you talk about negative things,
不仅传达了文字和故事
you’re not only sharing the words and stories
也带来了各种负面情绪
but also the emotions that go along with them.
所以 如果你讲述狗狗的去世
So if you tell a story about how your dog died,
人们会感受到你的悲伤
people will feel some of your sadness.
如果你讲述女友的出轨
If you tell a story about how your girlfriend cheated on you,
人们会感受到你的愤怒
people will feel some of your anger.
讲述这类故事
There’s a time and place for stories like this,
要看时间和场合 而且讲述时要很谨慎
but you have to be very careful about these types of things,
特别是在刚开始认识某人的时候
especially if you’ve just started to get to know someone,
因为这类故事会让人难受
because they make people feel bad,
要是这类故事讲多了
and if you do this too often,
人们一想起你 就会联想起负面情绪 从而避开你
they will start to associate you with all of those negative emotions and avoid you.
根据友谊公式
If you look at the formula of friendship,
史黛西把事情都做对了
Stacy was doing all of the right things:
她经常跟别人参加派对
she would go partying with people quite often,
所以她的距离 频率 时长和强度都很好
so she had good proximity, good frequency, good duration and good intensity.
然而 她没有使用交友黄金法则
However, she did not employ the Golden Rule of Friendship.
事实上 她一再违反这一法则
In fact, she broke the rule over and over again,
导致她树立的敌人比她交的朋友还要多
which meant that she eventually made more enemies than friends.
人们开始讨厌她 因为她在遵循交友公式的同时
People started hating her because she stuck to the Formula of Friendship,
却又让人们觉得难受
but made them feel bad at the same time.
你可以把交友黄金法则
Think of the Golden Rule of Friendship
看作是交友公式前面的正号或负号
as a plus or negative sign in front of our equation so far.
遵循这一法则 能让你交更多朋友
If you stick to it, your friendships will grow,
然而违反了它 人们就会讨厌你
but if you break it, people will start to hate you.
以后与别人互动的时候
It’s a simple, simple rule that you must keep in mind
你一定要记住这一简单法则
during all of your future interactions.
讨论肢体语言之前
Now before we start talking about body language,
我必须再教你一个基础概念
there is one more foundational concept that I must teach you.
这个概念很有效
It’s something so powerful
不仅能让你的交友速度
that it can potentially two times, three times,
增加一倍 两倍 甚至四倍
heck even five times the speed of which you can befriend others
还能加深你们之间的友情
and deepen your relationships with them.
它就是“价值的重要性”
It’s the importance of value.
别忘了点击铃图标进行订阅
Make sure you subscribe and hit the bell icon,
因为我们下节课就要讨论这个
because we’re gonna cover that in our next lesson,
千万别错过了
and I don’t want you to miss it.
视频到此结束 请继续关注我们!
Besides that guys, stay tuned!

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蜜友课 同频道可收看《蜜友课》其它课程。

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视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grB2adrX__g

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