You know what I love
but a year ago
I finally admitted that I hate myself
I know that sounds super extreme
but the first time I had the revelation of, like,
“Wow I think I do hate myself”
I really wanted to push it away and just deny it
because it seemed so intense
But when you think about the way you talk to yourself
most often, we say things like:
“You’re so stupid, why did you say that”
“You’re terrible at everything you do
Just stop, no one cares”
“Uh, of course he left you, why would anyone wanna be with you?”
Which for some reason is totally acceptable coming from your head.
But if you separated your mind and you,
and you imagine that everything it was telling you is coming from a friend,
“That’s probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.”
“Oh, your art is terrible. You’re never gonna make it
哦 你在艺术方面真是糟糕 没指望了
You should definitely get a day job”
“Yeah, I mean obviously you’re single.
“对 我就是想说 你是孤家寡人
You have so many issues, who would want to deal with that.”
That friendship would not last.
You know when I became aware of how awful my self-talk was,
I also realized how those messages drove parts of myself
I have been trying to change for years.
That I sacrifice my mental health in the name of work,
that I practiced poor boundaries because I’m afraid of speaking up,
that I tolerate disrespect in romantic relationships
because honestly, it’s what I think I deserve.
So a year ago, I was like, okay. Well, how do I stop hating myself?
所以在一年前 我就在想 好吧 怎么才能不讨厌自己呢？
Because that’s not a good thing
they say you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself
人们总说 如果你不爱自己 又怎么能爱上别人呢
but I want to love someone else before I die!
And self-love, in particular,
seems like this like very abstract rainbows and butterflies
intangible concept beyond achievement
because there’s no like physical measurement of success
just this deep internal certainty and self-assuredness of one’s worth
that I have never had and I cannot tell you what it looks like.
Until now! *angelic music*
You know, everyone has their own way of working on themselves,
but I’ve found the single instrumental tool in changing my self talk
has been journaling.
Specifically journaling affirmations that just emotionally resonate with me.
*meow meow meow*
*喵 喵 喵*
Every single day for the last year,
sometimes multiple times a day
I was in a bad place, you guys
I would journal and journal and journal
这时候我会写日记 写日记 写日记
to combat all the negative self-talk that runs on the default apps of my brain
And the more I did this
the more aware I became of what I was saying to myself moment to moment.
So I would catch myself being self-deprecating as a joke
or beating myself up about a mistake I made 10 years ago
or judging other people for stuff that really was about my own insecurities.
And I thought there would be like 30 steps or something
that I had to take in order to deal with this.
But honestly there was only one.
And that was changing my self-talk
so it reflected the way I wanted to feel about myself
And this is manifested very slowly over the course of a year.
I want to stress this ’cause I don’t want to act like it’s some
magical instant process, you know.
It took time and I’m still working on it a lot.
And I’ve been really surprised to find that self-love just means
taking a bunch of really small steps to communicate that I care about you/me.
You know, like, walking away from unanswered emails so I can get a good night’s sleep,
not being afraid to leave the party early,
having a skincare routine,
being sober (that’s a big one for me)
and being as patient, kind and encouraging to myself
保持耐心 友好 充满希望
as I would to any of my friends.
I’m Anna Akana, I wish you luck on your journey
because the world, and especially the internet,
would be a better place if we all loved ourselves.
I want to say thank you to care/of for sponsoring today’s video.
I am very grateful that I get to work with brands that I love to fund art that I love.
So because I’m both a vegetarian, and a little bit of a health nut,
Every day I take a multivitamin, a probiotic, fish oil and magnesium.
每天我都带着维生素 益生菌 鱼油和镁
Vitamins have been explained to me by my doctor as just insurance
in case I get too stressed out that day and I haven’t eaten what I needed to,
or if I’m not paying attention to my protein sources and being a junk food vegetarian
that just eats pasta and potato chips.
And I definitely do notice that there’s a difference in both my sleep quality and my mood
when I’m getting everything that my body needs.
But I know that figuring out what your body needs can be very annoying and overwhelming,
So Care/Of makes vitamins easy.
You take a five-minute quiz
and they suggest which ones you need based on your dietary requirements and lifestyle.
Prices start at just $20 a month and vary depending on your personalised pack.
The first 200 people to click the link in the description can use my code
and get 25% off their first month.
You know what I love