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可怕的同事啊

The Nightmare of Colleagues

工作中的最令我们害怕的事之一是
One of the most frightening aspects of working life is that we will,
一定会有同事 除非你的运气超乎寻常的好
unless we are the beneficiaries of extreme good fortune, be required to have colleagues.
同事是你在高压 复杂环境下长时间忍受的一种生物
The colleague is a creature who, endured over any length of time, in situations of high stress and procedural complexity,
是平静 沉着 健康心态的最大威胁
presents one of the greatest threats to calm, composure and soundness of mind.
我们还是孩子的时候事情相对容易的多 我们可以躺在卧室地板上
It was so much easier when we were kids. We could lie on the bedroom floor and,
玩耍几分钟 造个飞机 开个餐馆 或者独自侵入某个国家
in a few minutes of play, build a plane, run a restaurant, or invade a country on our own.
和同事之间的问题始于他们猜不到我们的心
The problem with colleagues starts with the facts that they can’t guess what we want.
每件事都要向他们解释 慢慢地 重复地解释
Everything needs to be explained to them, often very slowly and repeatedly.
如果这都不算糟的话 那我们还冒着与同事在很多问题上意见不统一的风险
If this were not bad enough, many colleague are at risk of disagreeing with us about many things
事实上 他们有许多相反的意见 自己的怪癖 心病和痴迷的爱好 更糟的是他们敏感
They turn out to have a host of contrary opinions, their own quirks, pet peeves and obsessive interests and, yet worse, they are very sensitive.
你瞧 除非我们说话圆滑 我们设法应付他们时 他们会觉得被冒犯 积累怨恨 开始哭泣 或者向上司打小报告
If lo and behold we have to manage with them, unless we speak them in the right way, they’ll become offended, develop grudges, start to cry, or report one to a superior.
当年的你 就可能咆哮了
In the good old days, you could just shout.
当大多数工作是体力活时 管理可以是简单粗暴的 精神压力对工作没有影响
When most work was physical, management could be abrupt, emotional distress didn’t hold things up.
员工在憎恨老板的同时 依旧可以用最快的速度操作砖块生产机
One could still operate the brick making machine at maximum speed, even if one hated the manager,
或是彻底清洁马厩 即使他觉得领班没有深入探究周末对他的意义
or clean out the stables thoroughly even if one felt the foreman hadn’t inquired deeply enough into the nature of one’s weekend.
但如今 大多数的工作都要求有高度心理健康才能表现出色
But nowadays, most jobs require a high degree of psychological well-being in order to be performed adequately.
一句伤人的评语可能毁了一个人一天的生产积极性
A wounding comment can destroy a person’s productivity for a whole day.
没有足够的尊重 赞美和鼓励 默不作声的愤恨情绪就会导致巨大的金钱损失
Without ample respect, recognition and encouragement, huge sums of money will get wasted in silently resentful moods.
如果一个人对底层人员关心 看上去他别无选择 只能试着变得好一些
If one has any concern for the bottom line, it seems one has little alternative but to try to be a bit nice.
工作关系和爱情关系一样狡猾 但后者至少
Work relationships are no less tricky than romantic ones, but at least in the latter,
让我们有基本的安全感 能用心说话并且使心情顺畅
we have a basic sense of security that enables one to speak one’s mind and make the necessary cathartic moves,
通过骂他们白痴 将心中的一些不快用一些随意的咒骂语释放出来
to call them fuckwits and compress a range of ideas in the occasional expletive loaded outburst.
办公室环境中不会有彻底抵消不愉快的可能 但是恋人明白争吵以后还可以选择滚床单来和好关系
The office environment misses out on the cleansing frankness seemingly possible only when two people know they will have the option of having sex together after the bust-up.
办公室烦恼主要苦衷是我们没办法像喜欢正常人一样去喜欢我们的同事
At the heart of our office agonies is the complaint that we seldom like our colleagues as people.
如果有可能 我们从不会想花时间在这种琐事或者闲人上
In a better world, we would be unlikely ever to want to spend any time at all with such disturbing, and often unlikely, figures.
考虑到这些人从未在心理相容基础上被分类 所以不用为这种日常烦恼惊慌
We shouldn’t be surprised by our daily discomfort, given that these people were never picked out on the basis of psychological compatibility.
我们喜欢抱团是因为他人有很多工作必须的技术和商务能力
We were formed into a unit because they had a range of technical and commercial competences necessary for a task,
并不是因为他们是有趣的饭友或者他们真的值得讨好
not because they were fun lunch companions or were graced with a pleasing manner.
我们就像中世纪权利婚姻里不幸的新娘
We are like the unfortunate bride in a power-marriage in the middle ages.
公主有义务嫁给真正的王子就因为他拥有丰富的矿藏或是他的弓箭手很专业
A princess would be obliged to marry a certain prince because he owned an important led mine or the archers in his country were especially proficient.
如果两个人相互有那么一点好感还算是好的情况 因为这就是风险变大的相关因素
It would have been nice if the two liked each other a bit as well, but the stakes were generally far too high for this to be a relevant factor.
这王国的成功与否取决于原料和兵力的使用权这样的事情上
The success of the realm depended on such matters as access to raw materials and military strength,
而不是伴侣是否有着令人发狂的咯咯笑声或令人畏缩的牙齿咬合
not on whether the partner had a maddening giggle or a daunting overbite.
在同事周围很好地工作不仅仅需要才华本身
To work well around colleagues requires not talent per se,.
而需要被“政治”这个词最好地唤起的一系列黑暗心理艺术的成功
but success at a range of dark psychological arts best summoned up by the word ‘politics’
但是不幸的是政治技能与我们最初被培训并且被聘用去做我们的工作的原因没什么共通点
But political skill has woefully little in common with the reasons we were trained and hired to do our jobs in the first place.
我们可能 由于一部分很好的商业教育 花了很多年学习了操纵资产负债表 商讨合同 还有管理物流链的方法
We may, as part of a good business education, have spent years studying the way to navigate a balance sheet, analyse competitors, negotiate contracts, and administer a logistics chain.
但是工作上的生活需要完全不同的技能 安静地接受并不真的是我们做的事情带来的的荣誉的能力
But life at work requires quite different skills: the capacity to quietly accept glory for things that were not truly our doing;
要把我们自己跟自己死死纠缠住的错误分离开 要灵敏地预见在另一方面相当能干的同事的缺点
to distance ourselves from errors in which we were heavily implicated; to subtly foreground the failings of otherwise quite able colleagues;
在重要的时刻面对情绪冲动的脆弱的上司变得冷漠 去奉承而不让别人看出来你在奉承
to turn cold at key moments towards emotionally vulnerable superiors; to flatter while not appearing to do so;
为了和当前的主流看法相适应 掩饰自己的见解
to mould our views to suit the currently ascendant attitudes.
我们不可避免的难关会被办公室本质上是个真实的大家庭
Our inevitable difficulties are aggravated by notions that offices are at heart really giant families,
同事也能成为朋友 诚实是被赞赏的 才华会最终带来成功这样的想法所恶化
that colleagues can be friends, that honesty is rewarded and that talent will win out.
出于仁慈的多愁善感到最后 都只是一种伪装的版本的残酷行为
Kindly sentimentality is in the end, just a disguised version of cruelty.
在低谷的时候可以更简洁 我们可以达到内心的认知
It might be a lot simpler if, in dark moments, we could simply admit to what we know in our hearts:
如果我们能被同事的工作所取代 显然更好
that it would obviously be a great deal better if we could be shot of the whole business of colleagues and
不用浪费自己的时间 像以前那样靠自己
could instead spend our days, as we used to do so well, on our own.

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身边的同事如此可怕 我们又该如何应对他们呢 这是一节深刻的哲学课

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哇咔独爱郭德纲

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赖皮

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi-8FtqVMas

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