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质疑的福音

The gospel of doubt | Casey Gerald

我们就在那儿
There we were,
灵魂和身体挤在德克萨斯州的一间教堂里
souls and bodies packed into a Texas church
那是我们人生的最后一个夜晚
on the last night of our lives.
我们就挤在一个像现在这样的房间里
Packed into a room just like this,
只不过那里都是吱呀响的长木凳 上面盖着破烂的红布
but with creaky wooden pews draped in worn-down red fabric,
管风琴在我的左边 唱诗班在我的背后
with an organ to my left and a choir at my back
还有个洗礼池建在他们后面的墙上
and a baptism pool built into the wall behind them.
总之 就是一个像这样的房间
A room like this, nonetheless.
有着同样强烈的焦虑之感
With the same great feelings of suspense,
同样对救赎的深刻渴望
the same deep hopes for salvation,
掌心里同样的汗水
the same sweat in the palms
还有后排同样是一帮心不在焉的人
and the same people in the back not paying attention.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
那是1999年12月31日
This was December 31, 1999,
就我所知 那天晚上基督将复临人间 世界将迎来末日
the night of the Second Coming of Christ, and the end of the world as I knew it.
那年我12岁
I had turned 12 that year
已经到了要负责任的年龄
and had reached the age of accountability.
一旦我不再抱怨
And once I stopped complaining
上帝是多么的不公平
about how unfair it was that
因为一到我要为自己的行为负责的时候 他就回来了
Jesus would return as soon as I had to be accountable for all that I had done,
我想我最好赶紧把家里收拾整齐了
I figured I had better get my house in order very quickly.
所以我尽可能多的去教堂
So I went to church as often as I could.
我紧张地注意四周的寂静 就像有人时刻注意周围的响声一样
I listened for silence as anxiously as one might listen for noise,
以努力确认上帝没有耍我
to try to be sure that the Lord hadn’t pulled a fast one on me
不会心血来潮提早回来
and decided to come back early.
但是万一他真的早来了
And just in case he did,
我也有个后备方案
I built a backup plan,
是从风靡一时的《末日迷踪》书里读到的
by reading the “Left Behind” books that were all the rage at the time.
我在书中看到
And I found in their pages
假如过了午夜的狂欢 我却没有被带走
that if I was not taken in the rapture at midnight,
那还有另外一次机会
I had another shot.
我只需要不被冠以异教徒之名
All I had to do was avoid taking the mark of the beast,
击败恶魔 克服瘟疫 并打倒反基督者
fight off demons, plagues and the Antichrist himself.
这会相当难——
It would be hard —
(笑声)
(Laughter)
但是我相信自己能做到
but I knew I could do it.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
但是做准备的时间早过了
But planning time was over now.
那已经是晚上11:50
It was 11:50pm.
我们只剩10分钟
We had 10 minutes left,
牧师让我们从长凳上起身 走到下面的圣坛
and my pastor called us out of the pews and down to the altar
因为他想让我们在午夜来临的一刻一起祈祷
because he wanted to be praying when midnight struck.
于是会众分成几批
So every faction of the congregation
到了指定位置
took its place.
唱诗班还在小舞台上
The choir stayed in the choir stand,
教堂执事和他们的妻子——
the deacons and their wives —
其实我更喜欢叫他们 “浸礼会资产阶级”
or the Baptist Bourgeoisie as I like to call them —
(笑声)
(Laughter)
在圣坛前的显眼位置
took first position in front of the altar.
你们知道 在美国
You see, in America,
即使是基督复临之夜 也是有VIP专座的
even the Second Coming of Christ has a VIP section.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
(掌声)
(Applause)
而在“浸礼会资产阶级”正后面的
And right behind the Baptist Bourgeoisie
是年纪大的人——
were the elderly —
这些男人和女人 他们那曾年轻的背脊已经佝偻
these men and women ,whose young backs had been bent under hot suns
在烈日下的东德州的棉花田里
in the cotton fields of East Texas,
他们的皮肤被灼成了高贵的棕色 且满是皱纹
and whose skin seemed to be burnt a creaseless noble brown,
就像东德州的陶土一样
just like the clay of East Texas,
他们毕生的希望和梦想是
and whose hopes and dreams for what life might become
离开东德州
outside of East Texas
但是这些已经被压弯破碎了
had sometimes been bent and broken
甚至比他们的背脊还要弯
even further than their backs.
是的 这些男人和女人 对我来说才是这场“秀”的明星
Yes, these men and women were the stars of the show for me.
他们为了这一刻等了一辈子
They had waited their whole lives for this moment,
就像他们中世纪的先人们渴盼世界末日
just as their medieval predecessors had longed for the end of the world,
就像我的祖母渴盼《奥普拉脱口秀》
and just as my grandmother waited for the Oprah Winfrey Show
每天四点在第八频道准时播出
to come on Channel 8 every day at 4 o’clock.
当她走向圣坛时
And as she made her way to the altar,
我悄悄溜在她身后
I snuck right in behind her,
因为我非常确信
because I knew for sure
我的祖母是要去天堂了
that my grandmother was going to heaven.
而且我想如果我在这次祷告中一直握着她的手
And I thought that if I held on to her hand during this prayer,
我可能可以跟她一起走
I might go right on with her.
于是我抓紧了
So I held on
我合上双眼
and I closed my eyes
倾听
to listen,
等待
to wait.
祷告声更大了
And the prayers got louder.
回应祷告声的叫喊
And the shouts of response to the call of the prayer
同样的更大了
went up higher even still.
风琴声响起 与挽歌交织
And the organ rolled on in to add the dirge.
热浪袭来 汗流甚嚣
And the heat came on to add to the sweat.
我把手攥得更紧了
And my hand gripped firmer,
我不想成为被留下的那一个
so I wouldn’t be the one left in the field.
我将眼睛闭得更紧
My eyes clenched tighter
我不想看到骨肉分离的场景
so I wouldn’t see the wheat being separated from the chaff.
突然一个声音在头顶回响:
And then a voice rang out above us:
“阿门”
“Amen.”
结束了
It was over.
我看了看时钟
I looked at the clock.
已经过了午夜
It was after midnight.
然后我看着年长的信徒们
I looked at the elder believers
他们的救世主没来
whose savior had not come,
他们太骄傲 不允许自己展现哪怕一丁点的失落
who were too proud to show any signs of disappointment,
他们笃信得太深 太久
who had believed too much and for too long
现在开始怀疑已经太迟了
to start doubting now.
但是我为他们感到气愤
But I was upset on their behalf.
他们被愚弄了
They had been duped,
被哄骗了 被迷惑了
hoodwinked, bamboozled,
而且我也跟着他们一起受骗
and I had gone right along with them.
和他们一起祷告
I had prayed their prayers,
我拼尽全力抑制自己的欲望
I had yielded not to temptation as best I could.
我不是一次 而是两次
I had dipped my head not once, but twice
一头栽到那个让人感冒的洗礼池里
in that snot-inducing baptism pool.
我曾相信过
I had believed.
现在怎么办?
Now what?
我回家打开电视
I got home just in time to turn on the television
刚好赶上彼得·詹宁斯宣布新千年
and watch Peter Jennings announce the new millennium
全世界都在欢庆
as it rolled in around the world.
我突然发觉 无论怎么想都很奇怪
It struck me that it would have been strange anyway,
耶稣要一次又一次复临人间
for Jesus to come back again and again
只是因为各地的时区不一样
based on the different time zones.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
这让我觉得更加可笑
And this made me feel even more ridiculous —
挺受伤的 真的
hurt, really.
但即使在那一夜 我也没有停止相信
But there on that night, I did not stop believing.
我只是又相信了另一件新的事:
I just believed a new thing:
就是“不相信也是可能的”
that it was possible not to believe.
很可能我所知的答案都是错的
It was possible the answers I had were wrong,
很可能问题本身就是错的
that the questions themselves were wrong.
现在 曾经耸立着的信仰之山
And now, where there was once a mountain of certitude,
有一股泉水一直流到山脚
there was, running right down to its foundation,
一股质疑的清泉
a spring of doubt,
它注定会成为大江大河
a spring that promised rivers.
我人生中所有的戏剧性故事
I can trace the whole drama of my life
都可以回溯到那个教堂里的那一晚
back to that night in that church
那晚我的救世主没有为我而来
when my savior did not come for me;
那晚我意识到我曾无比确信的事物
when the thing I believed most certainly
如果不是“谎言”的话
turned out to be, if not a lie,
至少也不是什么真理
then not quite the truth.
虽然你们中的大部分人是以截然不同的方式迎接千禧年的
And even though most of you prepared for Y2K in a very different way,
但是我相信你们之所以在这里
I’m convinced that you are here
就是因为你们中的一些人曾做过和我一样的事情
because some part of you has done the same thing that I have done
从新世纪到来开始
since the dawn of this new century,
从我的母亲去世 父亲离家
since my mother left and my father stayed away
而我的救世主拒绝救我开始
and my Lord refused to come.
我伸出双手
And I held out my hand,
想要搜寻到可以去相信的东西(以作为精神寄托)
reaching for something to believe in.
当我18岁到了耶鲁大学时 我依然坚持
I held on when I arrived at Yale at 18,
因为我相信那些在德州奥克利夫的成长经历
with the faith that my journey from Oak Cliff, Texas
使我有可能克服一切我所知的挑战
was a chance to leave behind all the challenges I had known,
见过了那些破碎的梦想 伤残的躯体(我什么都不怕了)
the broken dreams and broken bodies I had seen.
但有一次寒假我回到家乡
But when I found myself back home one winter break,
我的头被摁在地上
with my face planted in the floor,
双手被紧缚在身后
my hands tied behind my back
强盗的手枪顶着我的脑袋
and a burglar’s gun pressed to my head,
我知道 即使是最好的教育也救不了我
I knew that even the best education couldn’t save me.
当我2008年到雷曼兄弟实习时 我仍继续坚持
I held on when I showed up at Lehman Brothers as an intern in 2008.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
并充满希望——
So hopeful —
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我兴奋地打电话给家人
that I called home to inform my family
说我们永远不会再贫穷了
that we’d never be poor again.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
但当我亲眼目睹这座金融圣殿
But as I witnessed this temple of finance
在我面前崩塌
come crashing down before my eyes,
我知道 即使是最好的工作也救不了我
I knew that even the best job couldn’t save me.
当我在华盛顿特区成为一名年轻的记者时 我还在继续坚持
I held on when I showed up in Washington DC as a young staffer,
我听见一个来自伊利诺伊州的声音: (指奥巴马竞选演说)
who had heard a voice call out from Illinois,
“这一刻我们已等了很久
saying, “It’s been a long time coming,
但就在这次选举 美国将迎来变革”
but in this election, change has come to America.”
但当议会工作完全停滞
But as the Congress ground to a halt
国家几乎分崩离析
and the country ripped at the seams
希望和变革开始像个残酷的笑话
and hope and change began to feel like a cruel joke,
我知道 即使是政治复兴也救不了我
I knew that even the political second coming could not save me
我曾在美国梦的圣坛前虔诚地跪拜
I had knelt faithfully at the altar of the American Dream,
向当代的神祈祷
praying to the gods of my time
祈求成功
of success,
祈求金钱
and money,
祈求权势
and power.
但是一次又一次
But over and over again,
当午夜的钟声响起 我睁开双眼
midnight struck, and I opened my eyes
看见这些神全都死去了
to see that all of these gods were dead.
从这片坟墓里
And from that graveyard,
我再一次开始搜寻
I began the search once more,
不是因为我很勇敢
not because I was brave,
而是因为我知道 要么相信
but because I knew that I would either believe
要么死亡
or I would die.
所以我又到了另一处圣地去朝拜
So I took a pilgrimage to yet another mecca,
哈佛商学院——
Harvard Business School —
(笑声)
(Laughter)
这一次 我知道我不能仅仅只等待援助
this time, knowing that I could not simply accept the salvation
而是要施以援助
that it claimed to offer.
不 我当然知道施予时需要做的事情更多
No, I knew there’d be more work to do.
一切始于一个拥挤的派对上的一个黑暗角落
The work began in the dark corner of a crowded party,
那是在剑桥的一个惨淡的初冬的深夜
in the late night of an early, miserable Cambridge winter,
我和三个朋友问了一个问题
when three friends and I asked a question
那是有真正追求的年轻人
that young folks searching for something real have asked
长久以来都会问的一个问题
for a very long time:
“我们来次公路旅行怎样?”
“What if we took a road trip?”
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我们不知道要去哪儿 怎么去
We didn’t know where’d we go or how we’d get there,
但我们知道我们必须启程
but we knew we had to do it.
因为我们一生都在渴求的 就像杰克·凯鲁亚克写的
Because all our lives we yearned, as Jack Kerouac wrote,
是“潜入无尽的暗夜 消失在遥远的天际”
to “sneak out into the night and disappear somewhere,”
出去看看全国各地的人们都在干些什么
and go find out what everybody was doing all over the country.
所以即使有反对的声音
So even though there were other voices who said
说风险太大 理由太牵强
that the risk was too great and the proof too thin,
我们还是启程了
we went on anyhow.
在2013年夏天 我们跨美国旅行了800英里
We went on 8,000 miles across America in the summer of 2013,
我们走过蒙大拿的奶牛牧场 走过底特律的废弃都市
through the cow pastures of Montana, through the desolation of Detroit,
走过新奥尔良的沼泽湿地
through the swamps of New Orleans,
我们在那些地方遇见一些人 为他们打工
where we found and worked with men and women
他们经营着小生意
who were building small businesses
勉强度日
that made purpose their bottom line.
(这些就像是)在资本主义的“西点军校”训练
And having been trained at the West Point of capitalism,
我们发觉这个想法简直是革命性的
this struck us as a revolutionary idea.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
而且这个想法传播开去
And this idea spread,
发展成为一个非营利组织 名叫“工管硕士走遍美国”
growing into a nonprofit called MBAs Across America,
这也是我今天能够站在台上的原因
a movement that landed me here on this stage today.
它能传播是因为我们发现我们这代人都有强烈的渴望
It spread because we found a great hunger in our generation
渴望实现目标 渴望实现人生价值
for purpose, for meaning.
它能传播是因为我们在美国的旮旯角落里 发现了无数的创业者
It spread because we found countless entrepreneurs in the nooks and crannies of America
他们创造工作岗位 改变他人命运
who were creating jobs and changing lives
而且他们还需要一点帮助
and who needed a little help.
但是说实话 它能够传播
But if I’m being honest, it also spread
还因为我拼命地去传播
because I fought to spread it.
我愿意到任何地方宣讲福音
There was no length to which I would not go to preach this gospel,
以使更多人相信
to get more people to believe
我们可以治愈这个破碎国度的伤口
that we could bind the wounds of a broken country,
一次帮助一家社会企业(最后治愈整个社会)
one social business at a time.
但就是这个福音传道的过程
But it was this journey of evangelism
引导我获得了一个很不一样的福音
that led me to the rather different gospel
今天我来与大家一起分享
that I’ve come to share with you today.
那大概始于一年前的一个晚上
It began one evening almost a year ago
我们在纽约的自然科学博物馆
at the Museum of Natural History in New York City,
参加哈佛商学院的校友晚宴
at a gala for alumni of Harvard Business School.
在一头鲸鱼的全尺寸模型底下
Under a full-size replica of a whale,
我与这个时代的巨擘并排而坐
I sat with the titans of our time
他们歌颂着他们的同伴 以及他们自己的伟业
as they celebrated their peers and their good deeds.
房间里满是自豪的气息
There was pride in a room
这些人管理的资产总额
where net worth and assets under management
加起来超过了五千亿美金
surpassed half a trillion dollars.
我们俯看我们创造的一切
We looked over all that we had made,
感觉很好
and it was good.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
然而事情就这样发生了
But it just so happened,
两天之后
two days later,
我去到纽约哈林区
I had to travel up the road to Harlem,
坐在一个城市农场里
where I found myself sitting in an urban farm
那里曾是一片空地
that had once been a vacant lot,
我坐着听一个叫托尼的人讲一些关于孩子的事
listening to a man named Tony tell me of the kids
那些孩子每天都会到他那儿去
that showed up there every day.
他们所有人都在贫困线以下
All of them lived below the poverty line.
很多人把自己所有的东西都装在一个背包里
Many of them carried all of their belongings in a backpack
生怕在收容所被别人偷走了
to avoid losing them in a homeless shelter.
他们中一些人来到托尼的农场
Some of them came to Tony’s program,
农场名叫“哈林成长”
called Harlem Grown,
来领取他们每天唯一的一餐饭
to get the only meal they had each day.
托尼告诉我 他发起“哈林成长” 靠的都是自己的养老金
Tony told me that he started Harlem Grown with money from his pension,
他当了20年的出租车司机
after 20 years as a cab driver.
他说他没给自己留一分钱
He told me that he didn’t give himself a salary,
因为项目虽然算是成功 但资源还是极其匮乏
because despite success, the program struggled for resources.
他说他会接受任何能获得的帮助
He told me that he would take any help that he could get.
而我就是去帮助他的
And I was there as that help.
但当我离开托尼 眼睛里却涌出刺疼湿咸的泪水
But as I left Tony, I felt the sting and salt of tears welling up in my eyes.
我感受到了天启的重量
I felt the weight of revelation
在之前的一个晚上 我可以坐在一个房间里
that I could sit in one room on one night,
与价值五千亿美金的几百人畅谈美好世界
where a few hundred people had half a trillion dollars,
然而两天后在另一个房间里
and another room, two days later,
只有50个街区的距离
just 50 blocks up the road,
看着一个没有薪水的男人
where a man was going without a salary
要为孩子们提供他们每天唯一的一餐饭
to get a child her only meal of the day.
然而不是这种刺眼的社会不平等令我热泪盈眶
And it wasn’t the glaring inequality that made me want to cry,
也并不是这些饥饿 无家可归的孩子们
it wasn’t the thought of hungry, homeless kids,
也不是对于1%的人的怒火
it wasn’t rage toward the one percent
或是对99%的人的怜悯
or pity toward the 99.
不 我心中不能平静是因为我终于意识到
No, I was disturbed because I had finally realized
这个国家需要一次彻底变革 而我之前做的只是小修小补
that I was the dialysis for a country that needed a kidney transplant.
我意识到 我的故事所代表是所有那些
I realized that my story stood in for all those
人们希望他们自力更生的人
who were expected to pick themselves up by their bootstraps,
即使他们一无所有
even if they didn’t have any boots;
而我的组织所代表的
that my organization stood in
一切基础性的 系统性的帮助 却从未到达哈林区
for all the structural, systemic help that never went to Harlem
或阿巴拉契亚山区 或新奥尔良下九区
or Appalachia or the Lower 9th Ward;
我的呐喊所代表的是所有那些
that my voice stood in for all those voices
听起来毫无内涵 未加修饰 不合时宜的声音
that seemed too unlearned, too unwashed, too unaccommodated.
这给我带来羞耻感
And the shame of that,
那些羞耻感笼罩着我
that shame washed over me
就像那时坐在电视机前
like the shame of sitting in front of the television,
看彼得·詹宁斯宣布新千年时的羞耻感
watching Peter Jennings announce the new millennium
一遍
again
一遍
and again
又一遍
and again.
我被愚弄了
I had been duped,
被哄骗了
hoodwinked,
被迷惑了
bamboozled.
但是这次 虚伪的救世主却是我自己
But this time, the false savior was me.
你们知道 我从那个圣坛一路走来
You see, I’ve come a long way from that altar
那个晚上我以为世界要走向终点了
on the night I thought the world would end,
从那个人们无比虔诚的信仰上帝的世界一路走来
from a world where people spoke in tongues
他们认为苦难是上帝给人类的必不可少的考验
and saw suffering as a necessary act of God
并把它当作信条 当作永恒的真理
and took a text to be infallible truth.
是的 我走得太远了
Yes, I’ve come so far
以至于我一路兜回了原点
that I’m right back where I started.
因为我们不能简单概括
Because it simply is not true to say
说这个时代没有信仰
that we live in an age of disbelief —
不 我们与以往任何时候一样 都在相信一些东西
no, we believe today just as much as any time that came before.
一些人可能相信布芮尼•布朗的预言
Some of us may believe in the prophecy of Brené Brown
或是托尼•罗宾斯的
or Tony Robbins.
我们可能相信《纽约客》
We may believe in the bible of The New Yorker
或《哈佛商业评论》
or the Harvard Business Review.
我们可能无比的相信
We may believe most deeply
我们在TED的教堂里所崇拜的事物
when we worship right here at the church of TED,
因为我们极度地想得要信仰
but we desperately want to believe,
我们需要信仰
we need to believe.
我们举手投足像魅力四射的领导者
We speak in the tongues of charismatic leaders
承诺解决人类的一切问题
that promise to solve all our problems.
我们觉得苦难是资本主义“上帝”给我们的恩赐
We see suffering as a necessary act of the capitalism that is our god,
我们把科技发展当作信条
we take the text of technological progress
当作永恒的真理
to be infallible truth.
但是我们几乎没意识到我们所付出的人道代价
And we hardly realize the human price we pay
当我们甚至不敢质疑一块砖头
when we fail to question one brick,
只是因为我们害怕那也许会动摇整座大厦的根基
because we fear it might shake our whole foundation.
但是如果你们对那些不合理的事情感到困惑
But if you are disturbed by the unconscionable things
而又不得不接受
that we have come to accept,
那时请必须提出质疑
then it must be questioning time.
所以我传布的福音 不是什么突破 创新
So I have not a gospel of disruption or innovation
或是“三重底线”(资本主义的“三重底线”:人民 利润 环境)
or a triple bottom line.
事实上 我也没有什么关于信仰的福音要与大家分享
I do not have a gospel of faith to share with you today, in fact.
我有的和我要分享的是质疑的福音
I have and I offer a gospel of doubt.
质疑的福音不是让你停止相信
The gospel of doubt does not ask that you stop believing,
它是让你相信一个新东西
it asks that you believe a new thing:
“不相信也是可能的”
that it is possible not to believe.
很可能我们所知的答案都是错的
It is possible the answers we have are wrong,
很可能问题本身就是错的
it is possible the questions themselves are wrong.
是的 质疑的福音意味着有可能
Yes, the gospel of doubt means that it is possible that we,
这个舞台上的 这间屋子里面的我们
on this stage, in this room,
都是错的
are wrong.
因为它引出了一个问题: “为什么?”
Because it raises the question, “Why?”
我们手上拥有如此强大的力量
With all the power that we hold in our hands,
为什么人们还在水深火热之中?
why are people still suffering so bad?
这种质疑引导我去分享
This doubt leads me to share
所以我们决定注销“工管硕士走遍美国”
that we are putting my organization, MBAs Across America, out of business.
我们已经解散了员工 关门大吉了
We have shed our staff and closed our doors
我们把这种模式向所有人免费开放
and we will share our model freely
只要他们觉得自己有能力去做就可以
with anyone who sees their power to do this work
不需要经过我们的批准
without waiting for our permission.
这种质疑迫使我
This doubt compels me
放弃救世主的角色
to renounce the role of savior
某些人赋予了我这个角色
that some have placed on me,
因为我们的人生太短 逆境太长
because our time is too short and our odds are too long
根本等不到基督复临
to wait for second comings,
而且事实就是 世上没有奇迹
when the truth is that there will be no miracles here.
而这种质疑给我动力
And this doubt, it fuels me,
给我希望
it gives me hope
当困难要压垮我们
that when our troubles overwhelm us,
当命运的道路看似是将我们引向死亡
when the paths laid out for us seem to lead to our demise,
当我们的信仰无法治愈我们的创伤
when our healers bring no comfort to our wounds,
但这绝不是让我们盲目地去质疑一切
it will not be our blind faith —
不 这种质疑是谦逊的
no, it will be our humble doubt
它会在我们生命和世界的黑暗中
that shines a little light into the darkness of our lives
洒下一点光明
and of our world
让我们轻轻的说
and lets us raise our voice to whisper
呐喊也行
or to shout
或是简单的说
or to say simply,
非常简单的说:
very simply,
“一定 还有另一条路”
“There must be another way.”
谢谢
Thank you.
(掌声)
(Applause)

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视频概述

质疑,在我们人生道路遇到坎坷时,会给我们力量,迫使我们另辟蹊径。无论,前路如何,请相信,总会有另一条路。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

祐子祐

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视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsrxbqFo41k

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