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真实接受情感能给你带来什么 – 译学馆
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真实接受情感能给你带来什么

The gift and power of emotional courage | Susan David

大家好
Hello, everyone.
你们好
Sawubona.
在我的家乡南非
In South Africa, where I come from,
sawubona是祖鲁语你好的意思
“sawubona” is the Zulu word for”hello.”
这个词语蕴含着美好和力量
There’s a beautiful and powerfulintention behind the word
因为sawubona的字面意思就是
because”sawubona”literally translated means,
我看到你 而通过这个动作
“I see you, and by seeing you,
我感受到了你的存在
I bring you into being.”
想象一下用这个词语打招呼 多么美妙啊
So beautiful, imaginebeing greeted like that.
但又是什么让我们在自我发现的旅途中
But what does it takein the way we see ourselves?
发现我们的思维 我们的情感 以及我们的故事
Our thoughts, our emotions and our stories
鼓舞着我们在日益复杂而充满忧患的世界坚定前行?
that help us to thrive in an increasingly complex and fraught world?
探索这个问题的答案是我一直以来工作的重心
This crucial question has been at the center of my life’s work.
因为我们对待内心世界的方式决定了我们如何对待一切事物
Because how we dealwith our inner world drives everything.
包含很多方面 如我们如何去爱 我们如何为生
Every aspect of how we love, how we live,
我们如何生儿育女以及我们如何带领他人
how we parent and how we lead.
关于情感的传统的观点 不管是好的还是坏的
The conventional viewof emotions as good or bad,
不管是积极的还是消极的 都太死板
positive or negative, is rigid.
而在复杂的世界中 死板是有害的
And rigidity in the faceof complexity is toxic.
我们需要在更深的层次灵活看待情感
We need greater levelsof emotional agility
以真正的适应世界 更好地成长
for true resilience and thriving.
我对情感的探索并不始于
My journey with this calling began not
大学空旷的礼堂
in the hallowed halls of a university,
而是我生活中那些杂乱而又触动人的小事
but in the messy, tender business of life.
在种族之间相互隔离的南非 我住在白人社区
I grew up in the white suburbsof apartheid South Africa,
这是一个倾向于视而不见的国家和社区
a country and community committed to not seeing.
倾向于否定
To denial.
这种否定让种族歧视合法化持续了五十年
It’s denial that makes 50 yearsof racist legislation possible
因为人们一直告诉自己他们没有做错什么
while people convince themselvesthat they are doing nothing wrong.
但是 从我个人的角度 在我第一次意识到
And yet, I first learnedof the destructive power of denial
否认事实的巨大破坏力之后
at a personal level,
我才理解了 回避 对一个国家 对于我有多大的伤害
before I understood what it was doing to the country of my birth.
我父亲是在某个周五过世
My father died on a Friday.
那时他42岁 我15岁
He was 42 years old and I was 15.
我妈妈悄悄和我说
My mother whispered to me to
上学之前
go and say goodbye to my father
先和我爸爸道个别
before I went to school.
于是我放下书包
So I put my backpack down
走过通道
and walked the passage that ran through
通道的末端躺着我们家庭的支柱 受癌症折磨的我的爸爸
to where the heart of our home my father lay dying of cancer.
他闭着双眼 但他知道我在那儿
His eyes were closed,but he knew I was there.
我的存在总是能够被他感受到
In his presence, I had always felt seen.
我告诉他我爱他
I told him I loved him,
道别后 我开始了我的一天
said goodbye and headed off for my day.
在学校 我上了
At school, I drifted
科学课 数学课 历史课 生物课
from science to mathematics to history to biology,
与此同时 我的父亲悄悄离开人世
as my father slipped from the world.
从五月到七月到九月到十一月
From May to July to September to November,
我带着往常的笑容 继续着我的生活
I went about with my usual smile.
我的成绩一点也没有退步
I didn’t drop a single grade.
别人问我怎么样 我总是耸耸肩说还行
When asked how I was doing,I would shrug and say,”OK.”
别人都夸我很坚强
I was praised for being strong.
我很擅长表现得很好
I was the master of being OK.
但是回到家中 我们的生活很困难
But back home, we struggled —
我爸爸在生病的时候 小生意
my father hadn’t been able to keep his small business going
就没能维持下去
during his illness.
而我妈妈独自一人 一边要承受丧夫之痛
And my mother, alone,was grieving the love of her life
一边照顾三个孩子 一边应对上门儿来的催债者
trying to raise three children, and the creditors were knocking.
我们一家人 经济上和精神上都饱受折磨
We felt, as a family, financiallyand emotionally ravaged.
我很快就变得低落 孤立起自己
And I began to spiral down,isolated, fast.
我开始用食物麻木自己的痛苦
I started to use food to numb my pain.
暴饮暴食
Binging and purging.
只因为不想接受我沉重的痛
Refusing to acceptthe full weight of my grief.
没人知道我痛苦 尤其在一个无情地鼓励积极向上的文化里
No one knew, and in a culturethat values relentless positivity,
我以为没有人想知道
I thought that no one wanted to know.
但有一个人 不同意我用表面的开心遮盖内心的痛苦
But one person did not buy into my story of triumph over grief.
我的八年级英语老师给了我一本空白的笔记本
My eighth-grade English teacherfixed me with burning blue eyes
她炯炯有神的眼睛 解救了我
as she handed out blank notebooks.
她说 写下你的感受吧
She said,”Write what you’re feeling.
告诉我真相
Tell the truth.
就当做没人会读这本日记
Write like nobody’s reading.” And just like that,
就这样 他引导我真正地去展现自己的痛苦
I was invited to show up authentically to my grief and pain.
这个简单的小举动
It was a simple act
对我来说却是巨大的影响
but nothing short of a revolution for me.
正是在30年前我得到的这本空白笔记本
It was this revolutionthat started in this blank notebook
带来的变革
30 years ago
彻底改变了我一生
that shaped my life’s work.
我心中的秘密 沉默的另一个自己
The secret, silentcorrespondence with myself.
就像体操运动员一样
Like a gymnast,
我开始不再顽固地去否定
I started to move beyond the rigidity of denial
而是变的愈发的成为我所说的
into what I’ve now come to call
“对情感更加敏感”
emotional agility.
生活的美与其脆弱性是密不可分的
Life’s beauty is inseparablefrom its fragility.
我们年轻着年轻着就老了
We are young until we are not.
我们风姿绰约地走在街上 突然有一天就意识到
We walk down the streets sexy until one day we realize
我们不再被关注了
that we are unseen.
我们一直对孩子唠唠叨叨 突然有一天
We nag our children and one day realize
我们不再说了 因为曾经的孩子
that there is silencewhere that child once was,
已经能够自己去闯天下了
now making his or her way in the world.
我们一直很健康 突然有一天疾病诊断书就放在我们的面前
We are healthy until a diagnosisbrings us to our knees.
唯一能确定的就是不确定本身
The only certainty is uncertainty,
但我们竟不能好好地 不断地去直面人生的脆弱
and yet we are not navigatingthis frailty successfully or sustainably.
根据世界卫生组织的数据 抑郁症
The World Health Organizationtells us that depression
已经成为全球最大的破坏因素
is now the single leading causeof disability globally —
其威害超过癌症 超过心脏病
outstripping cancer, outstripping heart disease.
而现在社会日益复杂
And at a time of greater complexity,
科技 政治和经济领域发生史无前例的变化
unprecedented technological,political and economic change,
我们却发现人们倾向于
we are seeing how people’s tendency
用麻痹情感来封锁自己的内心
is more and more to lock down into rigid responses to their emotions.
一方面我们过度沉浸在自己的情感里
On the one hand we mightobsessively brood on our feelings.
内心的想法在脑中挥之不去
Getting stuck inside our heads.
被“正确”的做法束缚
Hooked on being right.
或被身边的消息绑架
Or victimized by our news feed.
另一方面 我们藏起自己的感受
On the other, we mightbottle our emotions,
将他们置之不理 只允许自己有“正确”的情感
pushing them aside and permitting only those emotionsdeemed legitimate.
在我最近进行的针对7万受试者的研究中
In a survey I recently conductedwith over 70,000 people,
我发现我们当中1/3的人 30%
I found that a third of us — a third —
要么总认为自己有一些所谓的“坏情绪”
either judge ourselves for havingso-called”bad emotions,”
如忧郁 愤怒甚至是悲伤
like sadness, anger or even grief.
要么主动的将自己的情绪置之不理
Or actively try to push asidethese feelings.
我们不仅对自己这样做
We do this not only to ourselves,
也这样对待我们所爱的人 如我们的孩子
but also to people we love, like our children —
我们可能会不经意地因为孩子有负面情绪而批评他们
we may inadvertently shame themout of emotions seen as negative,
武断下结论
jump to a solution,
而没有帮助他们看到情绪有价值的一面
and fail to help them to see these emotions as inherently valuable. Normal,
现在 正常自然的情绪 会被标上“好”与“坏”的标签
natural emotionsare now seen as good or bad.
永远乐观积极成了新的“道德正确”
And being positive has becomea new form of moral correctness.
我们不假思索地说癌症病人应该振作起来
People with cancer are automatically toldto just stay positive.
女人不要生气
women to stop being so angry.
诸如此类
And the list goes on.
这完全是专制
It’s a tyranny.
这是对积极情绪的专制
It’s a tyranny of positivity.
太残忍了
And it’s cruel.
太不体贴了
Unkind.
也太无效了
And ineffective.
到我们依然这样对自己
And we do it to ourselves,
这样对他人
and we do it to others.
如果说麻痹自我 封锁内心
If there’s one common feature
以及强装积极都有一个共同点
of brooding, bottlingor false positivity, it’s this:
那就是它们(对情感的反应)太刻板
they are all rigid responses.
如果我们要从种族隔离的崩塌中
And if there’s a singlelesson we can learn
学到什么的话
from the inevitable fall of apartheid
那就是 否定事实是行不通的
it is that rigid denial doesn’t work.
是无法维持的
It’s unsustainable.
对个人 家庭如此
For individuals, for families,
对社会也是如此
for societies.
就像透明天花板终会被打破一样
And as we watch the ice caps melt,
这对地球来说是不可持续的
it is unsustainable for our planet.
关于压抑情绪的研究表明
Research on emotional suppression shows
当情绪被藏起来 置之不理时
that when emotions are pushed aside or ignored,
情绪会不断放大
they get stronger.
心理学家把这称作放大效应
Psychologists call this amplification.
就像放在冰箱里可口的巧克力
Like that delicious chocolate cakein the refrigerator —
你越想忽视它
the more you try to ignore it…
(笑)
(Laughter)
它显得越诱人
the greater its hold on you.
你可能觉得通过忽视
You might think you’re in control
你可以控制住你不想要的情绪
of unwanted emotions when you ignore them,
事实是 你被它控制了
but in fact they control you.
内心的痛苦总会涌出来
Internal pain always comes out.
永远如此
Always.
谁来承受这代价?
And who pays the price?
是我们
We do.
我们的孩子 我们同事 我们的社区
Our children, our colleagues, our communities. Now,
请别误会
don’t get me wrong.
我不是反快乐主义者
I’m not anti-happiness.
我喜欢快乐的感觉
I like being happy.
我是一个常常感到快乐的人
I’m a pretty happy person.
但是 如果我们不去直面正常的情绪而强作积极
But when we push aside normal emotionsto embrace false positivity,
我们就没有办法面对
we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal
世界本身的样子
with the world as it is,
而不是我们希望的世界的样子
not as we wish it to be.
太多太多人
I’ve had hundreds
和我说他们不想要有一些感受了
of people tell me what they don’t want to feel.
例如 他们说
They say things like,
“我不想尝试 因为我讨厌失望的感觉”
“I don’t want to try becauseI don’t want to feel disappointed.”
或者“我只是想这种情绪快消失”
Or,”I just want this feeling to go away.”
我告诉他们 我能理解
“I understand,” I say to them.
“但不想有情感不就是死人了嘛?”
“But you have dead people’s goals.”
(笑)
(Laughter)
(鼓掌)
(Applause)
只有死人
Only dead people
不会有不想要的 让他们困扰的情绪
never get unwanted or inconveniencedby their feelings.
(笑)
(Laughter)
只有死人 永远不会有压力
Only dead people never get stressed,
不会心碎 不会因为失败体验失望的感觉
never get broken hearts, never experience the disappointment that comes with failure.
痛苦的情绪是我们生活的一部分
Tough emotions are partof our contract with life.
没有压力 没有困扰
You don’t get to have a meaningful career
你没办法事业成功 组建家庭
or raise a family or leave the world a better place
或让世界更好
without stress and discomfort.
困扰不适 是我们获得有意义的人生必须付出的代价
Discomfort is the price of admissionto a meaningful life. So,
那么 我们如何开始打破麻木的心墙
how do we begin to dismantle rigidity
主动成为敏感察觉情绪的人呢?
and embrace emotional agility?
那个年幼还在上学的我 翻开空白的笔记本
As that young schoolgirl, when I leaned into those blank pages,
我开始摒弃那些感受
I started to do away with feelings
那些我“应该”体验到的情感
of what I should be experiencing.
相反 我开始敞开心扉 肯定我真切的内心感受
And instead started to open my heart to what I did feel.
我感受到痛苦
Pain.
悲伤
And grief.
失去之痛
And loss.
悔恨
And regret.
研究表明
Research now shows
积极接受我们所有的情感
that the radical acceptanceof all of our emotions —
哪怕是混乱的 难以承受的情感
even the messy, difficult ones —
是产生有适应力 能不断发展的
is the cornerstone to resilience, thriving,
真实的快乐的基石
and true, authentic happiness.
但是敏锐地察觉情感不只是接受情感
But emotional agility is morethat just an acceptance of emotions.
要知道准确理解情感也很重要
We also know that accuracy matters.
在我自己的研究中 我发现用词很重要
In my own research,I found that words are essential.
我们常常太草率轻易地给我们的情感下定义
We often use quick and easy labelsto describe our feelings.
我听得最多的话就是“我压力好大”
“I’m stressed” is the mostcommon one I hear.
但是 压力和 失望两种感觉差了十万八千里
But there’s a world of differencebetween stress and disappointment
压力和“我入错行了”的绝望 也完全不同
or stress and that knowing dreadof”I’m in the wrong career.”
只有我们正确地理解了我们的情感
When we label our emotions accurately,
我们才能准确的找到导致这种情绪的原因
we are more able to discern the precise cause of our feelings.
并且科学家们所说的大脑中接受情绪的部分
And what scientists callthe readiness potential in our brain
也能激活 让我们采取具体措施
is activated, allowing usto take concrete steps.
但不是什么措施都是对的选择
But not just any steps –the right steps for us.
我们的情感就像数据
Because our emotions are data.
我们的情感会让更加关注我们所关心的事物
Our emotions contain flashing lightsto things that we care about.
我们倾向于产生不太强烈的情感
We tend not to feel strong emotion
产生对世界来说意义不大的感情
to stuff that doesn’t meananything in our worlds.
所以如果你看到新闻会十分气愤
If you feel rage when you read the news,
也许你的怒火是一种暗示
that rage is a signpost, perhaps,
说明你重视平等和公平
that you value equity and fairness —
并且让你有机会采取行动 使你的人生朝着这个方向前进
and an opportunity to take active steps to shape your life in that direction.
一旦我们用开放的态度对待难以承受的情绪
When we are opento the difficult emotions,
我们就能够做出与价值观一致的反应
we are able to generate responsesthat are values-aligned.
但是有个重要的警告
But there’s an important caveat.
情绪只是数据 并不是指令
Emotions are data,they are not directives.
我们可以感受自己的情绪
We can show up to and
挖掘情感的价值
mine our emotions for their values
同时不被它所左右
without needing to listen to them.
就像我可以体贴我儿子的情感
Just like I can show up to my son
接受他对小妹妹的沮丧之情
in his frustration with his baby sister —
同时又不同意他
but not endorse his idea
“我要把妹妹交给商场里
that he gets to give her away
看到的第一个陌生人”这样的想法
to the first strangerhe sees in a shopping mall.
[笑]
(Laughter)
是我们控制着情绪 不是情绪控制着我们
We own our emotions, they don’t own us.
但我们在内心里分清楚
When we internalize the difference
我们尽全力察觉的内心情感
between how I feel in all my wisdom
以及我们与价值一致的行动的区别时
and what I do in a values-aligned action,
我们就通过情感 创造出了
we generate the pathway to our best selves
通向更好自我的道路
via our emotions. So,
那实践起来是怎么样的?
what does this look like in practice?
当你体会到难受又强有力的情绪时
When you feel a strong, tough emotion,
不要急着寻找逃避情绪的出口
don’t race for the emotional exits.
应该试着去了解它 指引通向内心的路
Learn its contours, show upto the journal of your hearts.
你的情绪想告诉你什么?
What is the emotion telling you?
不要说“我觉得”比如“我觉得很生气”“我觉得很难过”
And try not to say”I am,”as in,”I’m angry” or”I’m sad.”
放你说“我觉得”时
When you say”I am”
你不知不觉就成了情绪本身
it makes you soundas if you are the emotion.
但其实你就是你 情绪只是一个数据源
Whereas you are you,and the emotion is a data source. Instead,
你应该这样来察觉描述情绪:
try to noticethe feeling for what it is:
“我发现我有难过的情绪”
“I’m noticing that I’m feeling sad”
“我发现我的心情很气愤”
or”I’m noticing that I’m feeling angry.”
这些对于我们 对于家庭
These are essential skills for us,
对于社区都是重要的技巧
our families, our communities.
在工作场合用上它太重要了
They’re also critical to the workplace.
在我的研究中
In my research,
我想知道人们要怎么样才能有
when I looked at what helps people to bring the best
最好的状态进行工作
of themselves to work,
我发现最有帮助的是:对个体的体贴
I found a powerful key contributor: individualized consideration.
人们能够感受到自己真正的情绪 参与情绪控制时
When people are allowedto feel their emotional truth, engagement,
企业的创造力和创新能力得以充分涌流
creativity and innovationflourish in the organization.
我们不仅呼吁人们外部特征的多样性 也需要内部特征的多样性
Diversity isn’t just people, it’s also what’s inside people.
这就包括情感多样性
Including diversity of emotion.
最敏锐 适应性最强的个人 团队和组织
The most agile, resilientindividuals, teams, organizations,
家庭和社区
families, communities
都离不开对人类正常情感的开放态度
are built on an opennessto the normal human emotions.
只有开放 我们才能问自己
It’s this that allows us to say,
“我的情绪想告诉我什么”
“What is my emotion telling me?”
“采取什么行动才能符合我的价值?”
“Which action will bring metowards my values?”
“哪些行为背离我的价值?”
“Which will take me away from my values?”
敏锐地察觉情感是一种带着好奇心
Emotional agility is the abilityto be with your emotions
同情心对待情感的能力
with curiosity, compassion,
尤其还需要我们有勇气采取与价值一致的行动
and especially the courageto take values-connected steps.
我小的时候
When I was little,
我会因为想到死亡半夜惊醒
I would wake up at night terrified by the idea of death.
我的父亲会轻轻拍我 亲吻我 安慰我
My father would comfort mewith soft pats and kisses.
但他从不骗我
But he would never lie.
他说“苏希 我们终有一天会死的”
“We all die, Susie,” he would say.
“害怕也很正常”
“It’s normal to be scared.”
他并没有用谎言缓冲我和现实的冲撞
He didn’t try to inventa buffer between me and reality.
我花了好长时间才明白
It took me a while to understand the power
那些晚上他的引导的力量
of how he guided me through those nights.
他教会我 勇气不是无所畏惧
What he showed me is that courage is not an absence of fear;
而是带着畏惧前行
courage is fear walking.
没人知道短短的十年后
Neither of us knew that in 10 short years,
父亲就离我们而去了
he would be gone.
对于我们每个人来说 和他在一起的时光太珍贵
And that time for each of usis all too precious
又太短暂了
and all too brief.
但当我们要面对
But when our moment comes
我们的脆弱的时候
to face our fragility,
在那最后的时刻 它会问我们
in that ultimate time, it will ask us,
“你清楚自己的感受吗?”
“Are you agile?”
“你清楚自己的感受吗?”
“Are you agile?”
希望那一刻我们坦白地说“是的”
Let the moment be an unreserved”yes.”
“是的”来自于你一生对自己真实情感的不离不弃
A”yes” born of a lifelongcorrespondence with your own heart.
源于你看透了自己
And in seeing yourself.
因为当你看透了自己
Because in seeing yourself,
你也能够看透他人
you are also able to see others, too:
这是在这样脆弱的
the only sustainable way forward
又美丽的世界走下去的唯一方法
in a fragile, beautiful world.
Sawubona.
Sawubona.
谢谢你们
And thank you.
[笑]
(Laughter)
谢谢你们
Thank you.
[鼓掌]
(Applause)
谢谢!
Thank you.
[鼓掌]
(Applause)

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视频概述

我们要真实面对自己的情感,包括消极的。“I see you, and by seeing you, I bring you into being.” 看看真实地接受情感能给我们带来什么~

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审核员

审核员 EY

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDQ1Mi5I4rg

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