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结束一段关系的恐惧

The Fear of Ending a Relationship

《生命学院》
Let us imagine that we know what we want –
假设我们完全知道自己想要什么
to leave a relationship –
那就是分手
but that we are suffering from a problem
但存在这样一个问题
which inhibits us from acting on our wishes:
让我们没办法遵循自己的意愿:
we can’t bear to cause another person pain,
我们不忍心伤害另一个人
especially another person towards whom
尤其是我们觉得自己应该
we feel a sense of loyalty,
对他忠心耿耿的另一半
who has been kind to us,
他对我们很好
who looks up to us for their safety and their future,
他们在我们身上寻求安全感与未来
who has expectations of us
对我们有所期待
and with whom we might have been planning a trip
可能两个人还一起计划了
to another continent in a few months.
几个月内要出国旅游
Perhaps we have come near to telling them
可能我们好几次差一点
on a dozen occasions,
就要说出口了
but always pulled back at the last moment.
但还是在最后一刻憋了回去
We tell ourselves that we’ll get around to it ‘after the holidays’,
我们对自己说“假期结束后”再找时间说
or ‘once their birthday party is over’,
或者“等他们过了生日再说”
or ‘next year’, or ‘in the morning’,
或者“明年” 或者“明早”
and yet the deadlines roll by
但这些截止日期都过去了
and we are still here.
我们还停留在原地
Our discomfort has to do
一想到我们说的话
with the thought of unleashing
可能会让对方特别难过
an appalling upset:
我们就很痛苦:
they will dissolve into tears, there will be sobbing,
他们会开始流眼泪 开始哭
which may last a very long time,
而且可能会哭很久
there will be wailing, uncontrollable cries
狂哭 止都止不住
and mountains of wet tissues –
到处都是擦眼泪的纸巾
all because of a truth that currently lurks
而这一切都源自我们脑海里的
in the quiet recesses of our cranium.
那个默默存在着的真实想法
We will have been responsible for dragging a formerly
我们可能会使一个曾经独立自强的人
competent and independent person into chaos;
变得思绪混乱 理智全无
it’s more than we can bear.
我们实在是承受不了这个结果
It sounds peculiar,
诡异的是
but it might almost be better for us
可能未来几十年里
to spend the next few decades unfulfilled
我们的内心都是不满足的
than experience even five minutes
但这还是比甚至只维持了5分钟的
of unbounded upset.
铺天盖地的难过情绪 更容易承受
In another part of our minds, there may also be a terror.
我们可能还有另一种情绪 那就是害怕
More than we realize day to day,
我们一直都没怎么意识到
we’re scared of our partner.
我们害怕自己的伴侣
By telling them it’s over,
如果跟对方说分手
we risk a discharge of titanic anger.
对方可能会超级生气
They may scream at us,
他们可能会对我们吼叫
accuse us of leading them on,
怪我们哄骗了他们
of being a charlatan and a disgrace.
说我们是个没脸没皮的骗子
There might be violence and danger.
然后可能他们会动用暴力 给我们带来危险
There is a certain symmetry to our fears.
我们的害怕情绪有两面
We may tell them and by so doing, kill them.
我们摊牌以后 要不就是让对方活不下去了
Or we may tell them and they will turn around and kill us;
要不就是对方让我们活不下去
kill or be killed. No wonder
不是让对方死就是自己死
we put off the news.
难怪我们迟迟不说
The reasonable adult part of our minds knows that
我们脑子里也有一些理智成熟的想法
these fears of killing and dying
知道这种对杀人和死亡的恐惧
can’t really be true –
不可能是真的
but this may weigh very little
但对我们的潜意识来说
in how we unconsciously feel.
这个想法没什么分量
Wielding sensible arguments can at points be
有时候靠理智是没用的
as effective as telling a person with vertigo
这跟对一个头晕目眩的人说
that the balcony won’t collapse
阳台不会塌
or a person with depression
或者对一个患有抑郁症的人说
that there are perfectly good grounds to be cheerful.
没理由不开心 是一样的道理
A lot of the mind is not amenable to hard-headed logic.
我们的很多想法不会服从于冷静的逻辑
In an ancestral part of us,
按照自己很久以前的思维
we simply operate with a sense that
我们很容易就觉得
going against the wishes
如果有的人对我们来说很重要
of a significant person
而我们违背了他们的意愿
will mean either endangering their lives or our own.
他们或者我们的生命就会受到威胁
To explain the origins of such terrors,
为了解释这种恐惧的来源
childhood is the place to turn,
我们要回溯到童年
as it always is when trying to account for
在探寻一个人为什么会过分恐惧时
disproportionate and limitless fears.
总是要回溯到童年的
Perhaps we are the offspring of a fragile parent
可能我们的父母过于脆弱
whom we loved profoundly
我们很爱他们
and whom it would have broken our hearts to disappoint.
不忍心让他们失望
They might have been struggling with their mental or physical health,
可能父母自己身体或心理也有疾病
they might have been maltreated by another adult.
或者另一半对他们很不好
Maybe they were relying on us to
可能他们指望我们
hold them back from despair
将他们拽离绝望
or justify their whole lives.
或是证明他们这辈子是有价值的
We may have derived an early impression
我们可能很早就有了这种印象
that we had to conform to their idea of us
我们必须是他们想看到的样子
if we weren’t to cause them grave damage,
不然的话就会对他们造成巨大伤害
that our wishes and needs
我们的愿望和需求
could easily have driven them to the edge,
一不小心就会把他们逼到崩溃边缘
that by being more ourselves,
如果我们更像真实的自己
we might have broken their spirit.
就可能会让他们失望
We simply loved them too much,
我们很爱他们
and at the same time,
同时也觉得
felt them to be too weak,
他们实在过于脆弱
to ask them to take on our reality.
接受不了真实的我们
We can be three years old and,
我们可能在3岁时
without knowing any of this consciously,
潜意识里就已经懂得了这一切
have taken such messages on board.
接受了这一切
And as a result, we might then have learnt
因此我们不得不学会
to play very quietly,
在玩耍时不弄出声响
to reign in our boisterousness or mischievousness,
不允许自己吵闹或调皮
our aggression or our intelligence,
不能表现得太有攻击性或太聪明
to be extremely cheerful and helpful around the house,
面上要一直很开心 做家人的小帮手
to be ‘no trouble at all’ towards a beloved adult
不给深爱的父母带来任何麻烦
who already seemed to have far too much on their plate.
因为父母要应对的事情已经很多了
Alternatively, we might have spent
另一种情况是
our most vulnerable years around a person
小时候的自己明明很脆弱
who responded to any frustration
但父母却互相指责
caused by another person
怒火冲天
with extreme anger.
互不相让
It can be hard to appreciate just how terrifying
人们有时候很难意识到
an enraged adult can seem
对一个敏感的2岁小孩来说
to a sensitive two year old.
成年人发起火来有多恐怖
Another adult might know that
另一个成年人或许知道
this red-faced figure
这个脸都气红了的人
of course wasn’t gonna murder anyone,
当然不会动手杀任何人
they’re just letting rip for a while
他们只是发发脾气
and will pick up the pieces of a smashed vase soon enough,
一会儿就会去把打碎的花瓶碎片捡起来
but that’s not at all how it can seem
但在一个孩子眼中
through a child’s eyes.
事情可不是这样的
How are they to know that
他们怎么知道
this person many times their size
这个个头比他们大那么多的人
wouldn’t just go one step further
不会继续发飙
and, at the end of their ranting,
狂吼一通之后
pick up a hammer and smash their skull in?
举起锤子往他们头上敲?
How can they be certain that
他们怎么能确定
the momentarily genuinely out of control parent
时不时真的会失控
who just broke the door
门都能摔烂的父母
wouldn’t for that matter throw them out of the window too.
不会也把他们扔出窗外
Child murder may be
狂怒的成年人可能
entirely alien to the furious adult,
完全想不到会去伤害孩子
but that’s not how it can strike
但一个敏感的孩子
a sensitive offspring.
可不是这么想的
One doesn’t have to actually
一个人不是非得
murder anyone to come across –
杀掉另一个人才能泄愤
to an unformed mind –
但对于思维未成型的孩子来说
as someone who seriously might.
这是很有可能的
No wonder we might be
这样看来
a bit scared of sharing
我们不太敢说出让人尴尬的事情
some awkward news.
也就不奇怪了
Our minds are freighted with fears
我们脑子里的很多恐惧
that stem from things that happened
都来自很久以前的
under precise circumstances long ago
一些具体情景
but that continue to have a potent, subterranean,
这些恐惧对我们现在的生活
scarcely recognized
产生了很大的影响
and immense force
但这种影响是潜在的
in our lives today.
我们都不怎么意识得到
By taking stock of the past,
分析了我们的过去之后
the task is to acknowledge that
我们要能够明白
these fears are very real
这些恐惧是真实存在的
but only in a very limited space:
但只存在于一个很有限的空间:
our own minds.
我们自己的脑海里
They don’t belong to adult reality.
这种恐惧不属于成年人的现实生活
The catastrophe we fear will happen
我们害怕会发生的灾难
has already happened:
已经发生过了:
we have already experienced someone who seemed to
我们已经遇到过了这两类人
risk killing themselves if the news grew too bad –
一类人在听到坏消息后可能会自杀
and someone who looked like they were perhaps
另一类人看起来像是
going to kill whomever displeased them.
要杀掉那个惹他们不开心的人
But these issues are firmly located in another era.
但这些都是另一个年代的事了
We need to take on board
我们要接受
an always unlikely-sounding thought,
一个听起来总是不太真实的想法
we are now adults,
我们现在是成年人了
which means, there is a robustness to ourselves
这意味着 我们在面对自己和他人时
and to our dealings with others.
是心志坚定的
Another adult is highly
另一个成年人不太可能
unlikely to collapse on us
在我们面前崩溃
and if they do,
就算还是崩溃了
there are plenty of measures we can take.
我们能做的也有很多
We will know how to help them
我们知道怎么直接或间接地
cope with their grief, directly and indirectly.
帮助他们化解心中的悲痛
It may seem as if it will never end,
这看起来像是永远不会结束
but that is a child’s reasoning,
但那是一个孩子的想法
not an adult’s.
一个大人不会这么想
In reality, it will be very bad
现实情况是 情况可能在
for a few hours, or days or weeks,
几个小时 几天或者几周内很糟糕
but then eventually,
但到最后
as happens, they will get over it.
他们总是能缓过来的
They will recover their good humor,
他们会重拾自己的幽默感
they will wake up one morning and
在早上醒来时
see the world hasn’t ended
发现世界也没有终结
and they know how to go on.
他们也知道怎么继续生活下去
Similarly, they won’t actually
还有 他们不会真的
try to pick up the nearest axe
试图拿起手边的斧头
and chop us into small pieces.
然后把我们砍成碎块
They may be furious, they may shout,
他们可能会很生气 可能会吼叫
there may be some ugly words –
可能还会说一些难听的话
but again, we are now tall
但我们现在块头变大了
and independent, we can get away,
能够不依赖别人 我们能捱过去的
in extremis, we have
就算出现了极端情况
the number of the police and a lawyer,
我们也可以打给警察或是律师
we can let the fury vent,
我们可以让他们尽情发泄
and like a well-built bridge in a hurricane,
而且就像暴风雨下坚固的桥梁
be utterly confident that we can
我们坚信
withstand anything
不管发生了什么
that will come our way.
我们都承受得住
To further lend us courage,
为了积攒更多的勇气
we should remember a distinction
我们必须要牢记
between being kind
真正的善良
and seeming kind.
和伪善是不一样的
It can look as if the kind thing to do
为了不惹人生气或难过
is never to anger or distress anyone –
就从来不告诉我们所爱的人
and therefore, never to give a person we have loved
任何不受欢迎的消息
unwelcome news.
这看起来是很善良
But that is to overlook
但这么做没有考虑到
the more insidious ways in which we can
我们可能在用更隐蔽的方式
ruin someone’s life.
毁了另一个人的一生
To stay with a person because we wish to
如果只是为了
avoid a few hours of unpleasantness
避免几个小时的不愉快
is no favor to them –
就一直跟这个人在一起
if we then go on to be bitter, mean,
然后却在接下来的几十年里
snide, unfaithful and depressed
变得尖酸 刻薄 抑郁 不忠
around them for the next few decades.
这对他们来说不是好事
We’re not helping someone by
为了不让他们经历
sparing them a bad break up scene,
难堪的分手现场
if we then deliver a life-long
就一辈子迟疑不决
foot-dragging scene.
这不是在帮他们
A surprising amount of the misery of the world
太过执着于“表现得很善良”
comes from people being overly keen to appear kind,
或是懦弱到不敢让别人
or rather, who are too cowardly
难受一小段时间
to cause others short term pain.
是世上很多痛苦的源头
The truly courageous way to leave
真正勇敢的分手方式
is to allow ourselves to be hated for a while
是能接受那个还爱着自己的人
by someone who still loves us.
会恨自己一段时间
We shouldn’t imagine that
我们没必要想着
they will never find anyone else like us:
他们再也找不到像我们这样的人了
they may believe it now
他们可能现在是这么认为的
and might even sweetly tell us so.
也可能会温柔地告诉我们这一点
But they won’t believe it
但当他们真的明白了
when they finally understand
我们是什么样的人之后
who we are.
就不会再这么觉得了
Real kindness means getting out –
真正的善良是离开
even though the holiday has been booked,
就算假期计划已经定好了
the apartment paid for
公寓也买了
and the wedding arranged.
婚期也定了
There’s nothing wrong with and nothing dangerous
想清楚了一个人不是合适的另一半
about deciding someone isn’t for us.
这没什么错 也没什么危险的
There is something very wrong
但犹犹豫豫心烦意乱不敢离开
with ruining large chunks of someone else’s life
从而毁掉了另一个人的大段人生
while we squeamishly or fearfully hesitate to get out of the way.
才真的是大错特错
Deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship
选择是否分手
is one of the trickiest and
是我们面前最困难
most consequential decisions we can face.
后果可能最严重的决定
Our stay or leave card game
我们的去留纸牌游戏
can help us towards an answer.
能帮助大家找到答案
Click now to learn more.
点击了解更多内容

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视频概述

分析了我们不敢提分手的原因,以及怎么克服这种情绪。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

oxw

审核员

审核员MS

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRhQMf5HMHU

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