For any fans of Pursuit of Wonder,
there is now a free email newsletter
that’ll provide updates, insights, new projects, and product releases,
为大家提供最新信息 见解 新项目 产品发行
special offerings and anything else Pursuit of Wonder related in the future.
As a thank you, 5 people who sign up for the newsletter,
who can also verify that they follow the Pursuit of Wonder instargram
will be randomly selected by the end of February
to recieve copies of my 2 books and guided writing journal for free
All the relevant links are in the description below.
I woke up face down on the sidewalk.
I was in front of my friend Alex’s apartment building.
I felt like I was dying. My head was pounding, my body was aching.
我好像快死了一样 头痛欲裂 浑身疼痛
It was the worst hangover I had ever felt in my entire life, and I drank a lot.
It was a Tuesday morning, and the streets were unusually quiet. I didn’t think much of it though.
那是周二早上 街道异常安静 不过并没多想
The only thing I could think about
was my constricted, throbbing, heavy, liquor inflicted body
就是我被烈酒折磨后紧缩 抽痛 沉重的身体
feeling like it was dissolving away with my essence,
demanding and screaming for my sole attention to hold onto it.
I walked back to my apartment and tried taking a shower,
but the water seemed to almost just go through me.
I didn’t even feel the wetness.
I became so weak and unsettled. I collapsed.
I crawled out from the bathroom and into my bed and tried falling asleep.
I had never felt like I needed to sleep forever as badly as I did in that moment,
but I couldn’t.
It seemed like there was almost a mechanism blocking me from doing so.
I always had a hard time sleeping, but not like that.
I felt so unbearably tired yet completely awake,
like I was drifting off into another state
but was unable to close my eyes and let go of this one.
After giving up and basically just staring at the ceiling for some obscene amount of time,
I called Alex to ask about what had happened the previous night
and then see if he wanted to get some food.
He didn’t answer. I figured he would call back within an hour or so, so I waited,
他没回答 我以为他大约一小时就会回电话 就等着
but after I sent a couple of texts
and after an hour passed with no response or call back,
I decided to just go by myself. I was used to that anyway.
It was at a red-light at an intersection a couple blocks down the street
when it suddenly hit me
—the moment I realized for the first time that something was actually wrong.
As I sat at that intersection, waiting for the light to turn green,
after staring out the driver-side window and noticing it,
I quickly turned and looked out the passenger-side, then my rearview mirror.
In every direction, I did not see a single person or car being driven anywhere.
Almost every day on my way to contract jobs I passed through that intersection,
and almost every day, no matter what day or time,
it contained at least some people and some traffic.
My mind attempted to run through all the possibilities and explanations,
ultimately rationalizing that there must be or had been an event that cleared out the area
that I was not aware of.
In some sense, I believe I was right about this,
but not at all in the way that I thought.
I anxiously continued to the where I was going to get food.
When I arrived, the parking lot appeared to be filled with parked cars, which quickly relieved me.
which quickly relieved me.
But when I went in the restaurant, even though the door was unlocked,
there was no one inside—not only no customers, but no employees.
After shouting out for someone multiple time with no response, I began to panic.
I rushed back outside, through the parking lot, and into the street.
I spun around, looking in in all directions.
The streets, now almost fogged over with a haze I hadn’t noticed before, were completely empty.
I took off running, looking into cars, stores, restaurants,
我跑起来 看向车里 商店里 餐厅里
and any other buildings I passed,
checking inside the ones that were open for some reason.
I yelled out, pleading for anyone, but no one was anywhere to be found.
我大声呼喊 乞求有人出现 但到处都找不到人
I soon came to the conclusion that something must have happened,
that this part of the city must have been evacuated or cleared out for some reason.
I checked my phone for information, but it seemed to have no service.
I rushed back to my apartment to check my computer, but the internet was also down.
The TV and radio networks weren’t live broadcasting anything either;
the only things on were a few stations playing repeats of really old shows and movies
from maybe around twenty years ago.
After briefly collecting myself,
I drove into different parts of the city, different towns, other cities, and other states,
我开车去城市的不同区域 不同城镇 其他城市和其他州
looking for people, for signs of people, for any indication or clues as to what had happened.
寻找人 人的迹象 任何关于所发生事情的迹象或线索
I found nothing.
And with each new place and each new day,
things seemed to only get stranger and stranger.
Colors seemed to become less and less saturated,
almost like the world was dying.
At first it was as if there was a hue of a gloomy, overcast day, even while the sun was out,
起初 即便是太阳当空 也像是暗淡的阴天
but then, certain areas appeared to almost become monochrome.
And even stranger, by this point, I barely even reacted to this.
The colors of my emotions and sensations seemed to begin to dampen,
reflecting the form of the monochrome, dying world around me.
I was becoming numb.
My paranoia and concern seemed to decrease
as the strangeness of the situation increased.
Pretty soon, I just gave up looking for answers, turned around, and drove back home.
By the time I was on my drive back, entire areas and once-cities off the highway
seemed to be transformed into just massive white blocks void of any color and texture,
like early stage digital 3-D renderings of architectural designs
before any of the details and colors are added.
Once I returned to my apartment, I stocked up on as much food and water as I could
and stored everything in some of the other units in my apartment building.
I don’t know that last time I ate or drank anything though.
I don’t really feel the need to anymore, and the need seems to no longer even really be a need.
Right now, I sit, looking out my window,
watching the world continue to fade, deforming down into white, textureless blocks,
and more recently, into a flat white landscape lacking increasing amounts of 3-dimensinoal depth.
It appears to be encroaching closer and closer on me.
I feel so numb.
It’s strange because I think the same thoughts I’ve always thought,
but they don’t feel like thoughts.
It’s as if my feelings no longer understand the language I am thinking in,
and it’s like hearing someone say something plainly in another language.
It means and feels like nothing.
The only thing I can seem to feel is a strange sort of longing
—an almost rationalized desire to feel again.
In my current state of emotionless candor,
I have thought about and realized a lot.
Before I woke up on that concrete sidewalk,
I don’t know how many times I had thought about ending it.
I was ready to let go of everything. I despised most of it.
The people, the things, the things people do, and the things that happen to people.
那些人 事 人做的事 发生于人的事
The way the world spun and demanded that your head spun with it.
The dissoluteness and depravity.
The deceit, of self, of others, of the world.
The beliefs and the beliefs in no beliefs.
The noise, the chaos, the fear,
吵闹 混乱 恐惧
the uncertainty, the sadness, the conflict,
犹疑 悲伤 冲突
the cruelty, the difficulty, the love,
残忍 困难 爱
the lack of love, the heartbreak.
The imaginary goal posts constantly being moved away from you,
your hopeful self still too afraid to admit
that even if you score, it won’t really change the outcome of the game.
The single car alarm that sounds at just the wrong time：the thinking and the feeling.
And yet, now that it’s almost all gone,
And yet, now that it’s almost all gone, I’ve found myself missing it.all of it.
Of course, I miss the colors, the smells,
当然 我怀念色彩 气味
the tastes, and the simple things I liked.
But also, some of the same things that made me want to no longer exist,
I deeply miss now that they don’t.
I’ve realized as the world has been chiseled down and taken away from me,
the significance of each little chunk.
The desire for life requires so many undesirable aspects.
And what we dread is often part of what we would miss
if we lost everything and could still be around to know about it.
In the day-in and day-out of existence,
I got so caught up in each moment of each experience,
in my singular, pessimistic, myopic view,
I neglected to ever really step back and realize this
—each piece’s significance to the whole
and that the whole is so much greater than the sum of its parts.
I think I’ve figured what is happening. I’ve mostly accepted it now.
There is no other explanation.
The last clear memory I have of the world before
is me sitting on that roof with that bottle.
Some decisions you can never do anything about after you’ve made them.
I only wish I could’ve seen then what I see now.
For any fans of Pursuit of Wonder,