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当世界变成虚无

The Desire for Nothingness

For any fans of Pursuit of Wonder,
《求知之旅》的粉丝们
there is now a free email newsletter
我们将开办一个免费的时事通讯
that’ll provide updates, insights, new projects, and product releases,
为大家提供最新信息 见解 新项目 产品发行
special offerings and anything else Pursuit of Wonder related in the future.
特别供应 以及未来所有与求知之旅相关的资讯
As a thank you, 5 people who sign up for the newsletter,
为表感谢 我将在二月底
who can also verify that they follow the Pursuit of Wonder instargram
随机抽取五个注册了该时事通讯
will be randomly selected by the end of February
同时订阅了本频道ins账号的用户
to recieve copies of my 2 books and guided writing journal for free
免费赠送我的两本书与写作指导日志
All the relevant links are in the description below.
相关链接在下方简介
I woke up face down on the sidewalk.
我醒的时候在我朋友Alex公寓楼前
I was in front of my friend Alex’s apartment building.
脸朝下趴在人行道上
I felt like I was dying. My head was pounding, my body was aching.
我好像快死了一样 头痛欲裂 浑身疼痛
It was the worst hangover I had ever felt in my entire life, and I drank a lot.
这是我人生中最糟糕的宿醉 我喝太多了
It was a Tuesday morning, and the streets were unusually quiet. I didn’t think much of it though.
那是周二早上 街道异常安静 不过并没多想
The only thing I could think about
我唯一能想到的
was my constricted, throbbing, heavy, liquor inflicted body
就是我被烈酒折磨后紧缩 抽痛 沉重的身体
feeling like it was dissolving away with my essence,
感觉就像它带着我的本体一同消失
demanding and screaming for my sole attention to hold onto it.
尖叫着要求我用仅有的的注意力去抓住它
I walked back to my apartment and tried taking a shower,
我走回公寓试图洗个澡
but the water seemed to almost just go through me.
但水流好像直接穿过了我的身体
I didn’t even feel the wetness.
我甚至感觉身上都没湿
I became so weak and unsettled. I collapsed.
我极其虚弱又心绪不宁 我倒下了
I crawled out from the bathroom and into my bed and tried falling asleep.
我从浴室爬到床上 试图入睡
I had never felt like I needed to sleep forever as badly as I did in that moment,
我从未像那一刻那样觉得自己要长睡下去
but I couldn’t.
但我睡不着
It seemed like there was almost a mechanism blocking me from doing so.
似乎是有一种机制阻止我入睡
I always had a hard time sleeping, but not like that.
我从前也总失眠 但从未像现在这样
I felt so unbearably tired yet completely awake,
累到难以忍受 却又彻底清醒
like I was drifting off into another state
好像我逐渐进入了另一种状态
but was unable to close my eyes and let go of this one.
但无法闭上眼睛脱离出来
After giving up and basically just staring at the ceiling for some obscene amount of time,
我放弃入睡 盯着天花板看了很长时间
I called Alex to ask about what had happened the previous night
我打电话给Alex问他昨晚发生了什么
and then see if he wanted to get some food.
然后看他想不想去吃点东西
He didn’t answer. I figured he would call back within an hour or so, so I waited,
他没回答 我以为他大约一小时就会回电话 就等着
but after I sent a couple of texts
但我发了好几条信息
and after an hour passed with no response or call back,
过了一个小时他也没有回复或者回电话
I decided to just go by myself. I was used to that anyway.
我决定自己去 反正都习惯了
It was at a red-light at an intersection a couple blocks down the street
在沿这条路几个街区远的十字路口等红灯的时候
when it suddenly hit me
我突然想到了什么
—the moment I realized for the first time that something was actually wrong.
那一刻 我第一次意识到事情不对劲
As I sat at that intersection, waiting for the light to turn green,
当时我正坐在路口等绿灯
after staring out the driver-side window and noticing it,
我盯着驾驶座的车窗外 发现了异常
I quickly turned and looked out the passenger-side, then my rearview mirror.
我迅速转身看副驾驶 又看后视镜
In every direction, I did not see a single person or car being driven anywhere.
四面八方没有任何一个人或行驶的车辆
Almost every day on my way to contract jobs I passed through that intersection,
我几乎每天上班路上都会经过那个路口
and almost every day, no matter what day or time,
也几乎每天 不管何时
it contained at least some people and some traffic.
至少都会有一些行人和车辆
My mind attempted to run through all the possibilities and explanations,
我的脑袋试图想遍所有的可能性与解释
ultimately rationalizing that there must be or had been an event that cleared out the area
最终找到合理解释:一定有或曾经发生过我不知道的事
that I was not aware of.
清空了这片区域
In some sense, I believe I was right about this,
某种意义上我相信我是对的
but not at all in the way that I thought.
但完全不是我想的那样
I anxiously continued to the where I was going to get food.
我焦急地继续前往吃饭的地方
When I arrived, the parking lot appeared to be filled with parked cars, which quickly relieved me.
我到的时候停车场似乎停满了车
which quickly relieved me.
这很快缓和了我的情绪
But when I went in the restaurant, even though the door was unlocked,
但当我进入餐厅的时候 尽管门没有锁
there was no one inside—not only no customers, but no employees.
但里面空无一人 不仅没顾客也没有工作人员
After shouting out for someone multiple time with no response, I began to panic.
我喊了好几声也没有人回应 我开始慌了
I rushed back outside, through the parking lot, and into the street.
我冲了出来 穿过停车场到了路上
I spun around, looking in in all directions.
我转过身 向四面八方望去
The streets, now almost fogged over with a haze I hadn’t noticed before, were completely empty.
街道笼罩在我从未注意过的雾霾中 空无一人
I took off running, looking into cars, stores, restaurants,
我跑起来 看向车里 商店里 餐厅里
and any other buildings I passed,
和所有我经过的建筑里
checking inside the ones that were open for some reason.
查看那些出于某些原因还营业的商店
I yelled out, pleading for anyone, but no one was anywhere to be found.
我大声呼喊 乞求有人出现 但到处都找不到人
I soon came to the conclusion that something must have happened,
我很快得出结论 一定是发生了什么事情
that this part of the city must have been evacuated or cleared out for some reason.
一定是有某种原因 让城市的这部分被撤空或者清除了
I checked my phone for information, but it seemed to have no service.
我用手机查看信息 但手机没有信号
I rushed back to my apartment to check my computer, but the internet was also down.
我冲回公寓查看电脑 但网络也断了
The TV and radio networks weren’t live broadcasting anything either;
电视与收音机也没有直播任何节目
the only things on were a few stations playing repeats of really old shows and movies
只有几家电视台在重复播放
from maybe around twenty years ago.
20年前的老节目和电影
After briefly collecting myself,
在短暂的镇定之后
I drove into different parts of the city, different towns, other cities, and other states,
我开车去城市的不同区域 不同城镇 其他城市和其他州
looking for people, for signs of people, for any indication or clues as to what had happened.
寻找人 人的迹象 任何关于所发生事情的迹象或线索
I found nothing.
我什么也没有找到
And with each new place and each new day,
每到一个新的地方 每到新的一天
things seemed to only get stranger and stranger.
事情都变得越来越奇怪
Colors seemed to become less and less saturated,
颜色的饱和度似乎越来越低
almost like the world was dying.
就像这个世界将要死去一样
At first it was as if there was a hue of a gloomy, overcast day, even while the sun was out,
起初 即便是太阳当空 也像是暗淡的阴天
but then, certain areas appeared to almost become monochrome.
但随后 某些地方几乎变成了黑白色
And even stranger, by this point, I barely even reacted to this.
更奇怪的是 到目前为止我对此几乎没有反应
The colors of my emotions and sensations seemed to begin to dampen,
我的情绪与知觉的色彩似乎开始减弱
reflecting the form of the monochrome, dying world around me.
映射出我周围黑白的 死亡的世界
I was becoming numb.
我在变得麻木
My paranoia and concern seemed to decrease
随着情况越来越奇怪
as the strangeness of the situation increased.
我的恐惧和担忧似乎减少了
Pretty soon, I just gave up looking for answers, turned around, and drove back home.
很快我就放弃了寻找答案 掉头开车回家
By the time I was on my drive back, entire areas and once-cities off the highway
当我开车回去的时候 整个地区和高速公路远处的城市
seemed to be transformed into just massive white blocks void of any color and texture,
似乎都变成了巨大的白色方块 没有任何颜色和质感
like early stage digital 3-D renderings of architectural designs
就像建筑设计的早期数码三维渲染
before any of the details and colors are added.
尚未添加任何细节和颜色
Once I returned to my apartment, I stocked up on as much food and water as I could
我一回到公寓 就尽可能多地储存水和食物
and stored everything in some of the other units in my apartment building.
全部都存在我公寓的其它单元里
I don’t know that last time I ate or drank anything though.
我不知道我上次进食或者喝东西是什么时候
I don’t really feel the need to anymore, and the need seems to no longer even really be a need.
但也没必要知道了 我似乎也不再需要了
Right now, I sit, looking out my window,
现在我坐着看向窗外
watching the world continue to fade, deforming down into white, textureless blocks,
看着世界继续褪色 变成白色没有质感的方块
and more recently, into a flat white landscape lacking increasing amounts of 3-dimensinoal depth.
最近变成了一幅缺乏立体深度的白色平面风景画
It appears to be encroaching closer and closer on me.
这副画似乎在逐渐向我逼近
I feel so numb.
我非常麻木
It’s strange because I think the same thoughts I’ve always thought,
奇怪的是 我在思考从前常想的事情
but they don’t feel like thoughts.
但又不像是思考
It’s as if my feelings no longer understand the language I am thinking in,
似乎我的感觉不再能理解我思考用的语言
and it’s like hearing someone say something plainly in another language.
像是听到有人清楚地用另一种语言说话
It means and feels like nothing.
毫无意义 毫无感觉
The only thing I can seem to feel is a strange sort of longing
唯一能感受到的是一种奇怪的渴望
—an almost rationalized desire to feel again.
一种合理的 想要再次感受的欲望
In my current state of emotionless candor,
在我现在这种不带感情的坦率状态下
I have thought about and realized a lot.
我想了很多 也体会到很多
Before I woke up on that concrete sidewalk,
在我从那条水泥人行道上醒来之前
I don’t know how many times I had thought about ending it.
我不知道有多少次想结束这一切
I was ready to let go of everything. I despised most of it.
我已经准备好放下一切 而大多都是我鄙视的
The people, the things, the things people do, and the things that happen to people.
那些人 事 人做的事 发生于人的事
The way the world spun and demanded that your head spun with it.
世界在转 并让你的脑袋跟它一起转
The dissoluteness and depravity.
放荡与堕落
The deceit, of self, of others, of the world.
来自自己 他人与世界的欺骗
The beliefs and the beliefs in no beliefs.
信仰 无信仰
The noise, the chaos, the fear,
吵闹 混乱 恐惧
the uncertainty, the sadness, the conflict,
犹疑 悲伤 冲突
the cruelty, the difficulty, the love,
残忍 困难 爱
the lack of love, the heartbreak.
缺爱 心碎
The imaginary goal posts constantly being moved away from you,
想象中的目标不断远离你
your hopeful self still too afraid to admit
满怀希望的自己还是不敢承认
that even if you score, it won’t really change the outcome of the game.
即便你得分 也不能真正改变比赛结果
The single car alarm that sounds at just the wrong time:the thinking and the feeling.
这种思考与感受就像在错误时间响起的汽车报警器
And yet, now that it’s almost all gone,
然而它现在几乎都消失了
And yet, now that it’s almost all gone, I’ve found myself missing it.all of it.
我发现自己很怀念它 怀念它的全部
Of course, I miss the colors, the smells,
当然 我怀念色彩 气味
the tastes, and the simple things I liked.
味道 和那些我喜欢的普通的东西
But also, some of the same things that made me want to no longer exist,
但还有那些让我不想再活着的事情
I deeply miss now that they don’t.
我是如此想念它们 但它们消失了
I’ve realized as the world has been chiseled down and taken away from me,
随着世界被凿开并从我身边夺走
the significance of each little chunk.
我理解了每一个小的组成的重要性
The desire for life requires so many undesirable aspects.
对生活的渴望会有很多讨厌的方面
And what we dread is often part of what we would miss
我们如果失去一切 依然可以知道
if we lost everything and could still be around to know about it.
我们所畏惧的往往将来也会怀念
In the day-in and day-out of existence,
在日复一日的生活中
I got so caught up in each moment of each experience,
我用独特 悲观又短浅的思维方式
in my singular, pessimistic, myopic view,
把自己困在每次经历的每个瞬间
I neglected to ever really step back and realize this
我忽视了后退一步就能发现的
—each piece’s significance to the whole
每一个部分对于整体的重要性
and that the whole is so much greater than the sum of its parts.
且整体远大于各部分的总和
I think I’ve figured what is happening. I’ve mostly accepted it now.
我想我知道发生什么了 我现在已经几乎接受了
There is no other explanation.
没有其他的解释
The last clear memory I have of the world before
我关于这个世界最后的清晰记忆
is me sitting on that roof with that bottle.
是我拿着瓶子坐在屋顶
Some decisions you can never do anything about after you’ve made them.
有些决定在你做了之后就再也无能为力了
I only wish I could’ve seen then what I see now.
多希望我现在看到的这些 在当时就能看到

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视频概述

一觉醒来全世界只剩我一人,连我自己都失去了实体,被孤独与空虚淹没,我该何去何从……

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

琳琳琳

审核员

审核员FL

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLBrPED52qw

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