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好孩子的危险

The Dangers of the Good Child

他们准时做完作业
They do their homework on time;
他们书写工整
their writing is neat;
他们房间打理得很整洁
they keep their bedroom tidy;
他们常常有点腼腆
they are often a little shy;
他们想要替父母帮忙
they want to help their parents;
他们骑单车下斜坡时
they use their brakes
会用刹车
when cycling down a hill.
因为他们眼下不会带来麻烦
Because they don’t pose many immediate problems,
我们常会认为
we tend to assume that
乖孩子是不错的
all is well with good children.
他们不是人们担心的对象
They aren’t the target for particular concern;
那些在地下通道涂鸦的小孩才是人们操心的对象
that all goes to the kids who are graffitiing the underpass.
人们都觉得乖孩子没有问题
People imagine the good children are fine;
因为他们举止都按照大人的期望
because they do everything that’s expected of them.
但是 这正是问题的所在
And that, of course, is precisely the problem.
听话的男孩女孩
The secret sorrows –
不为人知的苦楚和将来遇到的困境
and future difficulties – of the good boy or girl
都源于他们内心
begin with their inner need
对过分顺从的需要
for excessive compliance.
“好”孩子不是好事
The good child isn’t good
这似乎是不符合自然规律的怪事
because by a quirk of nature.
好孩子没有成为其他人的欲望
They simply have no inclination to be anything else.
他们变乖只是因为
They are good because
他们没有其他选择
they have no other option.
听话是他们必须做的
Their goodness is a necessity
而不是主动选择的
rather than a choice.
许多孩子之所以听话
Many good children are good
是出于对他们父母的爱 而这些父母往往
out of love of a depressed harassed parent
向孩子清楚地表明他们疲于
who makes it clear they just couldn’t cope with
应付孩子各种复杂的情况带来的困难
any more complications or difficulties.
或者 可能乖小孩很懂得
Or maybe they are very good to soothe
暴跳如雷的父母
a violently angry parent
因为不这样的话 父母的就会因为自己
who could become catastrophically frightening
任何一点不完美的举止而大发雷霆
at any sign of less than perfect conduct.
但是 尽管抑制更加冲动的情绪
But this sort of repression of more challenging emotions,
的做法可以短时间让孩子听话
though it produces short-term
让父母开心
pleasant obedience,
但长此以往会为今后的人生带来诸多困难
stores up a huge amount of difficulty in later life.
有经验的教育工作者和家长必须
Practiced educators and parents should
察觉到孩子过度乖巧的迹象——
spot signs of exaggerated politeness –
把它们看做极度危险的征兆
and treat it as the grave danger
它们也的确是这样
it really is.
乖孩子保守了太多秘密
The good child becomes a keeper of too many secrets
还是一些不受待见但重要事情的
and an appalling communicator of unpopular
可怕传声筒
but important things.
他们会说好听的话
They say lovely words,
他们非常擅长满足
they are experts in satisfying the expectations
听众的期待
of their audiences,
但他们一直藏着真实的想法
but their real thoughts and feelings
和感受
stay buried
久而久之
and then
就出现了身心失调的症状
generate psychosomatic symptoms,
如心理扭曲、突然暴怒
twitches, sudden outbursts
及地狱般的痛苦的感受
and sulphurous bitterness.
乖孩子的弊病就是
The sickness of the good child
他们没有被其他人宽容
is that they have no experience of other people
自己的缺点毛病的经历
being able to tolerate their badness.
他们缺失了对于健康成长的小孩
They have missed out a vital privilege
至关重要的一个特权
accorded to the healthy child;
那就是就算表现出极嫉妒
that of being able to display envious,
贪心、自私自利的一面
greedy, egomaniacal sides and
也能被别人宽容
yet be tolerated and loved
被疼爱
nevertheless.
听话的人尤其是在对待“性”的方面会遇到问题
The good person typically has particular problems around sex.
当他们小的时候
As a child,
他们可能曾经被褒以
they may have been praised for being
单纯天真
pure and innocent.
然而 等他们长大后
As they become an adult, however,
像我们一样
like all of us,
开始发现了性带来的愉悦
they discover the ecstasies of sex,
它堕落又美好 恶心又
which can be beautifully perverse and excitingly
刺激
disgusting.
但这可能与他们所认为自己被允许
But this may be radically at odds with the picture of what they believe
成为的样子完全格格不入
they are allowed to be like.
他们可能因此抵制了自己的欲望
They may in response disavow their desires,
变得冷淡 身心不协调
go cold and detached from their bodies
或者是向自己的欲望妥协
– or perhaps give in to their longings
但是却是以一种扭曲的方式
only in a disproportionate way
这对他们生活的其他方面起到破坏的作用
that is destructive to other bits of their lives
使他们感到恶心 又担惊受怕
and leaves them disgusted and frightened.
在工作上
At work,
听话的人也会遇到麻烦
the good adult has problems too.
小的时候 他们循规蹈矩
As a child, they follow the rules;
从不犯错
never make trouble
并小心翼翼不去激怒任何人
and take care not to annoy anyone.
但是在长大后
But following the rules
循规蹈矩无法让你有太大的发展
won’t get you very far in adult life.
几乎任何有趣、值得做
Almost everything that’s interesting,
或者重要的事情
worth doing or important
都会遇到一些反对意见
will meet with a degree of opposition.
任何绝妙的想法总会让某些人失望
A brilliant idea will always disappoint certain people –
同时又非常值得坚持
and yet very much be worth holding on to.
太乖的小孩会因为事事业平平 只会做无用的讨好
The good child is condemned to career mediocrity
而招人谴责
and sterile people-pleasing.
要做一个比较成熟的人
Being properly mature
就要不去畏惧、诚实地面对
involves a frank, unfrightened relationship
自己的黑暗面
with one’s own darkness,
复杂的性格
complexities
以及野心
and ambitions.
就要接受一个事实:
It involves accepting
那就是不是所有让我们开心的事
that not everything that makes us happy
都会取悦别人
will please others
或者被社会认可为
or be honoured as especially
“好”的事——
‘nice’ by society –
然而 去探索这些事物并且坚持下来
but that it can be important to explore
依然是很重要的
and hold on to it nevertheless.
想要变好的欲望
The desire to be good
是这个世上最美好的事之一
is one of the loveliest things in the world,
但 为了过上真正幸福的生活
but in order to have a genuinely good life,
我们可能有时候要——
we may sometimes need to be-
以一个乖孩子的标准来说——
by the standards of the good child
勇敢地做一些有价值的“坏”事
fruitfully and bravely bad.
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视频概述

有时候好孩子不是主动选择变好,只是没有其他选择,人生中过度的顺从,没有得到即使犯错,也能被原谅被疼爱的机会,这样的人生是扭曲的是有危险的。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

陈榆木

审核员

与光同尘

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DTIzzf6ncg

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