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爱之入骨或者恨之入骨的危险 – 译学馆
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爱之入骨或者恨之入骨的危险

The Dangers of Loving or Hating Too Much

如果试着对成熟做一个概括
If there is one generalisation to hazard about maturity,
那就是既不把别人过分理想化
it is that it involves neither profoundly idealising,
也不贬低别人
nor denigrating other people.
让我们先从婴儿说起
But let’s begin with babies.
梅兰妮·克莱恩是20世纪中期维也纳精神分析学家的领头人
The pioneering mid-20th century Viennese psychoanalyst Melanie Klein
她因发现婴儿哺乳时头脑中发生的独特变化
famously drew attention to something very dramatic that happens in the minds of babies
而备受关注
during feeding sessions with their mothers.
当哺乳顺利时
When feeding goes well,
婴儿会觉得非常快乐 觉得妈妈真“好”
the baby is blissfully happy and sees mummy as ‘good’ .
但无论出于什么原因 如果哺乳不顺利
But if, for whatever reason, the feeding process is difficult,
婴儿就会以为眼前的”坏”妈妈不是自己的妈妈
the baby can’t grasp that it is dealing with the same person
可事实是婴儿才在几小时甚至几分钟前特别喜欢眼前的妈妈
it liked a lot only a few hours or minutes ago.
他会变得生气 讨厌面前的这个人
It is simply filled with rage and hatred.
为了应对这种状况 婴儿的心理会分裂出
In order to tolerate this, the baby splits off
一个“坏妈妈”的形象与真实的妈妈对立
from the actual mother a second ‘ bad ’ version
这个形象在他眼里是一个可恨的独立体
– whom it deems to be a separate, hateful individual,
担负他愿望落空的责任
responsible for deliberately frustrating its wishes,
在此过程中
and in the process,
“坏”妈妈也保护了婴儿认知中的”好”妈妈的形象
protecting the image of the good mother in its mind.
因此 在婴儿认知中 一共有两个妈妈
There are, in the baby ’ s mind, two people at large,
一个是绝对的好妈妈 一个是绝对的坏妈妈
one entirely good, the other entirely bad.
如果一切顺利的话
Gradually, if things go well,
接下来是一个漫长而艰难的过程
there follows a long and difficult process
在此期间 婴儿会将两个对立的母亲形象整合到一起
by which the child integrates these two different people
最终 虽然有点遗憾 但却是事实
and comes, sadly but realistically,
婴儿会明白世上不存在“完美”妈妈
to grasp that there is no ideal, ‘ perfect ’ mummy –
妈妈就是一个平时很温柔
just one person who is usually lovely
但也会生气 会忙到没空陪自己 会疲惫
but can also be cross, busy, tired,
也会犯错
who can make mistakes,
也会非常关心别人的人
and be very interested in other people.
从我们是嗷嗷待哺的婴儿算起
It may be a very long time
接受妈妈是个不完美的人的过程可能要很久
since we were being fed as babies.
但将亲近的人归为非善即恶的倾向依旧未变
But the tendency to ‘ split ’ those close to us is always there;
因为在我们的内在小孩仍未成长
for we don ’ t ever fully outgrow our childhood selves.
在成人生活中 我们可能会痴爱上某人
In adult life, we may fall deeply in love
将她理想化
and split off an ideal version of someone,
看不到她身上任何的缺点 满脑子都是她
in whom we see no imperfections and whom we adore without limit.
但我们也会突然间就非常厌恶自己的伴侣
Yet we may suddenly and violently turn against the partner
(或者某名人 某政客)
(or a celebrity or a politician)
当一个人曾因优点吸引了我们
someone whose good qualities once impressed us,
而某刻 他们些许的行为会让我们烦恼伤心
the moment we discover the slightest thing that disturbs or frustrates us in them.
所以我们可能觉得他们不是好人
We may concludethat they cannot really be good
因为他们让我们很痛苦 并且
since they have made us suffer – and
唯一合乎逻辑的结论就是 他们真的很讨人厌
that the only logical verdict is that they are appalling.
我们发现一件难以令人接受的事情
We could find it extremely hard to accept
同一个人在某些方面表现非常好
that the same person might be very nice and good in some ways
在别的方面的表现却令人失望
and strikingly disappointing in others.
不好的表现会摧毁一个人原本好的形象
The bad version can appear to destroy the good one,
尽管(当然)事实上两个形象非常不同
though (of course) in fact these are really just different
却又相互联系 形成一个复杂的个体
and connected aspects of one complex person.
我们重大的心理成长历程
It’s a huge psychological achievement
是学会接纳别人既有好的一面 也有坏的一面
to accept other humans in their bewildering mixture of good and bad,
既可能帮助我们 也可能打击我们
capacity to assist us and to frustrate us,
既友好又刻薄
kindness and meanness.
以及认识到
and to see that,
相比起要么暴怒要么狂喜的状态
far more than we ’ re inclined to imagine in our furious or ecstatic moments,
大多数人处于有点理智
most people belong in that slightly sobering,
有点乐观的灰色地带 也就是“足够好”的状态
slightly hopeful grey area that goes by the term ‘ good enough.
为了应对期望与现实的冲突
’ To cope with the conflict between hope and reality,
我们的文化应该教我们些整合技能
our culture should teach us good integration skills,
让我们能更宽容的接受不完美的自己
prompting us to accept with a little more grace what is imperfect in ourselves –
随后 将心比心 接受不完美的他人
and then, by extension, in others.
我们应被温柔地提醒
We should be gently reminded
世上没有完美的爱人
that no one we can love will ever satisfy us completely
但这也不是讨厌别人的理由
– but that this is never a reason to hate them either.
我们不能简单粗暴地把人分为
We should move away from the naivety and cruelty
好人或者坏人
of splitting people into the camps of the awful and the wondrous,
最明智的做法是将别人视为 “足够好”
to the mature wisdom of integrating them into the large collective of the ‘ good enough ’.
我们的文选 “你为什么会和错的人结婚“
Our collection of essays, ” Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person”
提出我们不需要变得完美也能得到快乐
proposes that we don’t need perfection to be happy,
只要我们以正确的态度面对两性关系
as long as we enter our relationships in the right spirit.
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Find out more by following the link on your screen now.

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四分钟带你了解爱恨的起源

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视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XgMZ1YgyoE

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