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在恋爱中太过礼貌也是有风险的 – 译学馆
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在恋爱中太过礼貌也是有风险的

The Danger of Being Too Polite in Love

人们很自然地认为 爱情中最大的美德是善良
It’s natural to imagine that the highest virtue in love would be kindness
紧随其后的则是有礼貌
and, a close second, politeness.
但是这里潜藏着一种奇怪的危险
But there is an odd danger lurking here:
我们的关系如果过于礼貌而不够直接
a relationship where we are overly polite, where there is not enough directness,
那出了问题就不是因为
where things go wrong not because of a lack
缺乏柔情或不够沉着
of tenderness or serenity
而是因为过度的礼节令人窒息
but because of a stifling excess of manners,
因为没有大声的争执 侮辱及合理的怒火
because there aren’t enough raised voices, insults, legitimate furies
双方都没机会随意去骂对方
and moments where both partners feel free
笨蛋或其他更难入耳的话
to call each other idiots and much worse.
有时候我们透过酒店的墙
When we hear arguments between lovers,
听到一对情侣在争吵
perhaps through a hotel bedroom wall,
马上就会担心他们是否和谐
it is easy to fear for them and their union.
我们大多数人很快就能准确无误地嗅到
We have most of us been deeply and rightly sensitized
虐待关系的恐怖气息
to the horrors of abusive relationships.
但是 在合理的情况下
But there is, within reason,
我们也郑重地提出一个理性的观点
and we stress within reason with great seriousness,
在偶尔的激烈争吵中
there are something extremely vital and redemptive
会发现有些东西极其重要而且可以挽回
that can unfold within the occasionalheated discussion.
与某人朝夕相处
Living around someone
必然有些时候会感到心灰意冷
is bound to be, at points, extremely disappointing.
但是为了维持爱情
For love to remain vital,
我们需要有表达这种失望的自由
we need the freedom to give this disappointment expression.
如果我们只能去爱
It seems we cannot love
那我们也许就不会爱了
if love is all we are allowed to do.
很多人小时候都会暗暗地被教导
Many of us have implicitly been taught in childhood
最好将失望默默地呑到肚子里
that disappointments are best swallowed quietly.
也许有的父母很脆弱或反复无常
Perhaps a parent was very fragile or they were very volatile,
所以我们担心他们会崩溃
so we feared either annihilating them
或因为坦言出更多真实的感受和烦恼
or provoking them unbearably by giving vent
让他们怒不可遏
to our more honest and troubling feelings
长大后我们变得彬彬有礼
We grew up polite and good
但是也有可能会变得心如死水
but also in danger of feeling inwardly dead
变得不相信有人在了解我们之后
and convinced that no one could witness us as we are
还会继续爱我们
and still love us.
其实礼貌在某种程度上是爱的敌人
A certain kind of politeness is the enemy of love.
我们无法去爱 无法维持好一段正常的关系
We cannot love, or be properly in a relationship that feels alive,
总把自己想要表达的东西统统藏了起来
and simply lock away too many of our reservations.
对于爱 我们最需要的是真实
We need for love first and foremost real
这将包括我们对各种
and this will involve giving expression
更加矛盾情绪的表达
to all kinds of more ambivalent feelings.
在生活中的很多场合 稍微礼貌一点就够了
In most arenas of life, mere politeness will do;
对朋友和同事就少来那些客套
there should be little else around friends and colleagues.
但对爱情我们应该勇敢点
But love needs something riskier:
厌恶时就得坦白说出来
we have to be able to say that we hate when we hate –
那么在爱的时候
so that later we can properly love
就可以好好去爱
when it’s time to love.
这就是为什么 为了我们的关系
This is why, in the interests of the relationship,
我们也许需要告诉伴侣
we might need to tell the partner
他毁了自己的生活
that they have ruined our life,
他很自私 惹人生气
that they are selfish and infuriating and
你已经无法忍受了
that we have had more than enough –
伴侣不会因为这样而仅仅只是生气
and the partner, far from getting simply offended
(虽然也会有这种效果)
(though that has its role too)
他会接受 并且理解你为什么爆发:
they should take it, and read the explosion for what it is:
尊重你们之间的信任和约定
a homage to the trust and bond between us.
某人会面红耳赤地指责你 但不会对别人
That a red faced accuser would never speak like this to anyone else on earth.
这句话可解释为你得到了最大的特权
it should be interpreted as the greatest privilege.
他并不是恨你
They don’t just hate you,
尽管他当时讨厌你
though they do at the moment,
但他仍然对你抱有希望并且非常相信
they have a lot of hope in you, and a lot of faith
你足够爱他 所以才会接受他
that you love them enough to take their reality –
等这件事情过去后
and when it’s blown over,
他当时怒火有多大 现在就爱你有多真
their love will be as sincere as their anger once was.
如果有必要 我们就应该表达自己的愤怒
We should get angry when the occasion fairly demands it;
我们这些过于温顺懦弱的人
we, the overly meek and coward ones,
应该抛开平时那种巨大的压抑
should experience how good and necessary it feels
大胆地释放 发泄自己苦恼和愤怒的情绪
to dare to let go and vent our annoyance and irritation
来体验一下这种快乐和必要性
without the usual huge (and valuable) inhibitions.
我们不应该过于害怕大声争吵
We should not be overly scared of the odd loud argument,
我们应该把自己的愤怒
we should form our irritations
通过巧妙的方式释放出来
into some beautifully creative insults;
这不代表爱情会因此结束
it is not a sign that everything is coming to an end and love has died,
这代表着 在我们的关系中仍然有很多
It’s a sign that our relationship still has a lot of
善良 真诚和包容存在
kindness,sincerity and tolerance left within it.
爱是一项可以学习的技能
Love is a skill you can learn.
《关系》一书将指导你在关键情感问题中
Our relationships book calmly guides us with calm and charm
保持冷静 不失魅力
through the key issues of relationships
确保你情场得意
to ensure that success in love
无关运气好坏
need not be a matter of luck.
更多精彩 请点击该链接
The more, click the link now

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视频概述

本视频介绍了在恋爱中,我们应该适时的发泄,而不是一味的忍受

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视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWLu5bVCY8A

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