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CIA失败的尝试:将猫咪训练成间谍

The CIA Once Trained a Cat to Be a Spy

From the Bay of Pigs disaster to the tall tale of Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction,
从猪湾灾难到伊拉克大规模杀伤性武器的荒诞故事
CIA is no stranger to expensive and embarrassing blunders.
中情局对代价高又窘迫的失误并不陌生
One of the most spectacular failures of all time happened in the 60’s
60年代见证了有史以来最突出的一次败笔
and was known as Operation Acoustic Kitty, a real life actual program
是一个在现实中开展的“窃听小猫计划”项目
where CIA agents trained a house cat to become a spy.
在该项目中 中情局特工把家猫训练成间谍
Mission impossible? Yes!
不可能的任务?没错!
Because it totally failed on every level.
因为该项目彻底失败了
Today we’re exploring the time the CIA tried and failed to train a cat to be a spy.
我们今天将探索中情局努力将猫咪训练成间谍 却以失败告终的历史
But before we get started,
但在我们开始前
be sure to subscribe to the Weird History Channel.
确保订阅《怪异历史》哦
Oh, and that’s just not enough.
噢 那还不够
Leave a comment and let us know what topics you would like to hear about.
留下评论 让我们知道你想了解什么话题
Now it’s time to put on our spy glasses.
现在 该戴上我们的间谍眼镜了
起初 “窃听小猫”项目背后的想法是有意义的
From aiming nukes at hot dog stands to bears in ejector seats,
用核武器瞄准热狗摊或弹射座椅上的玩具熊
the use of a feline double agent was far from the most bizarre thing to happen
在长达45年间——美国与苏联处于核对峙的时期
in the 45 year long period where the US and the USSR were in a nuclear standoff.
用猫科动物当双重间谍绝不是最奇异的事情
Wired up with radio transmitters and microphones,
接通无线发射器和麦克风之后
they hoped that cat spies would listen to secret conversations
中情局希望间谍猫能窃听秘密谈话
from window sills, park benches, or any unsuspecting place for a cat.
无论从窗户边 公园长凳 或是任何难以察觉的地方窃听
Perhaps the CIA thought the Russians, like the Bond villains,
中情局可能认为俄国人会像邦德恶棍一样
spilled out all of their nefarious secrets to their feline friends.
会向自己的猫咪朋友倾诉所有邪恶的秘密
In the’60s, the US was at the height of the Cold War.
六十年代 美国在冷战中占上风
And the CIA was trying anything it could do to keep tabs on Russians in Washington, DC.
中情局便千方百计监视华盛顿的俄国人
And if you consider the fact that people really do tell their cat some of their darkest secrets,
如果考虑到人们确实会向猫咪吐露某些最深处的秘密
it wasn’t the most far fetched, hairball-brained idea.
那么这个主意也不算太牵强 太无脑
中情局投入了1000万美元来训练这只猫
Some cat owners might drop a pretty penny on their four-legged children.
有些猫主人会给猫咪留下一笔可观的财产
The CIA even put Karl Lagerfeld to shame
中情局甚至让卡尔·拉格斐自愧不如
when it spent a whopping $10 million, over $80 million in today’s money to train their whisker-clad spy hopeful.
其斥巨资1000万 相当于现在的8000万 希望训练出长满胡须的间谍
Some of the items on this extraordinary vet bill
这张不同寻常的兽医账单上
included developing the equipment implanted in the cat, surgical operations,
含有开发植入猫咪体内的装置 做外科手术
and training the little feline to cooperate.
并训练幼猫合作等项目
But don’t worry, they only used your tax dollars to pay for it.
别担心 中情局只用你们的税款当经费
Who needs roads or health care
能投资90年代的迪士尼电影这样的项目
when you could fund a project that sounds like a plot for…90s’ Disney movie?
谁还需要投资修路或医疗建设呢?
猫咪变成了与机械的混合体
Cats may be talented in the arts of self grooming and yarn play.
猫咪可能在梳理毛发和玩纱线方面有天赋
But when it came to expertise in the spy field,
但涉及到间谍领域的专业能力
the CIA found that cats would need some surgical enhancements to test their “hy-po-thesis”.
中情局发现猫咪需要进行手术强化来测试他们的猜想
Get it?
明白吗?
The CIA decided that in order to elevate a regular house cat to the level of a CIA double agent,
为了将一只寻常家猫训练成中情局双面间谍
it would need to plant technological devices under its furry little skin.
中情局决定需将科技设备植入猫咪毛茸茸的毛皮下
The details of this cat-astrophically expensive and Frankenstein-esque program
冷战时期的中情局官员维克多·马尔凯蒂在自己书中
came to light in a book by Victor Marchetti, a CIA officer during the Cold War.
曝光了这个灾难性的 烧钱的 科学怪人式项目的种种细节
In his book, The Wizards of Langley, Marchetti wrote,
在《兰利的巫师》中 他写到
“They split the cat open, put batteries in him, wired him up.
“猫被切开 植入电池 连上电线
The tail was used as an antenna.
猫尾巴被用做天线
They made a monstrosity.”
他们创造了一个怪物”
Cats barely enjoy taking a bath.
猫几乎不喜欢洗澡
So it’s safe to say this little guy didn’t take kindly to being cut open
所以说这个小家伙肯定不愿意被切开
and given the Inspector Gadget treatment.
然后受到《G型神探》里的待遇
他们为猫咪植入电线让其更加专心
Cats march to the beat of their own drummer,
猫咪按自己的节奏前进
which unfortunately did not mesh well with the CIA’s regimented spy cat agenda.
很不幸 这与中情局那套严格管制的间谍猫计划不合拍
They found that the cat would get hungry in the middle of testing and training
他们发现猫咪在测试和训练中会饿
and would simply wander off.
然后开溜
This clearly was a tad frustrating to the CIA agents training it.
显然 这让中情局特工感到一丝沮丧
But come on. Everybody’s gotta eat, even spy cats.
拜托 所有人都得吃饭 间谍猫也一样
Considering the cats couldn’t unionize and demand whenever they want lunch hour,
鉴于猫咪不能自己成立工会 表达吃午饭的诉求
the CIA combated this feline attention deficit disorder with a plan:
为了应对猫咪注意力上的缺陷 中情局制定了一个计划:
implanting the cat with even more wires.
给猫咪植入更多的电线
Why would they think further mechanizing the cat would
为什么他们认为机械化程度更高的猫
make them more cooperative?
会更配合呢?
As we mentioned earlier,
如前所述
this project was a complete failure, dead on arrival.
这个项目完全是个败笔 中途就夭折了
And unlike its subject, it didn’t get nine lives.
猫咪也并不像传说中的一样有九条命
Marchetti told The Telegraph about the experiment process.
马尔凯蒂向《每日电讯报》讲述了实验过程
“They tested him and tested him.
“他们反复测试猫咪
They found he would walk off the job when he got hungry,
然后发现一旦猫咪饿了就会罢工
so they put another wire in to override that.”
所以他们植入另一根电线来控制那种情况”
Tell the diet industry the CIA knows the secret to suppressing your appetite.
昭告饮食业 中情局可有抑制食欲的秘密
Getting wires implanted into your body
把电线植入你的身体
is a lot easier than counting calories, right?
比计算卡路里要容易的多 对吧?

一只装有无线电发射器的奇异猫
The process of upgrading the Acoustic Kitty from an average playful house cat
将这些“窃听小猫”从爱玩的普通家猫
to a sleek and all powerful CIA agent
升级成为圆滑且强大的中情局特工
involved a lot more than your average spy training movie montage.
这比间谍训练的一般过程要复杂得多
The extreme spy kitty makeover involved the cat
间谍猫的终极改造包括
going under the knife in a gruesome, hour-long surgical procedure.
给猫咪做可怕的长达一小时的外科手术
This is a cat’s worst vet nightmare.
这可是猫咪去看兽医时最可怕的噩梦了
As outlined in Operation Acoustic Kitty by Emily Anthes,
艾米丽·亚瑟概述了“窃听小猫计划”项目
the surgery involved “implanting a microphone” into the cat’s ear canal
改造手术包括在猫咪耳道里植入麦克风
and a “radio transmitter at the base of its skull”.
在颅底植入无线电发射器
Some people implant a GPS tracker into their cats.
有些人给自己的猫咪植入GPS跟踪器
But this is taking the house pet body modification thing to a whole new level.
但中情局对家猫的身体改造是一个全新的水平
But hey, with a radio transmitter at the base of her skull,
嘿 但是有了颅骨里的无线电发射器
at least she could listen to Andrew Lloyd Webber’s CATS at full volume.
猫咪至少能开满音量 收听安德鲁·劳埃德·韦伯的《猫》
The invasive surgery also involved implanting an antenna wire
这种侵略性手术还包括给猫咪植入天线
which stretched through the rest of the cat’s fur.
天线的电线则在猫咪的其余毛皮下蔓延
And if you thought a cat’s furry tail couldn’t be a matter of national security,
如果你觉得猫咪那毛茸茸的尾巴跟国家安全扯不上关系
think again.
请三思噢
Her tail became instrumental to the process.
她的尾巴对这个项目可是很重要的
It strengthened the signal for transmitted recorded conversations.
猫尾巴增强了录音内容的传送信号
If you’re going to go through all this trouble
如果你历经所有的困难
to perform surgery on a cat,
给一只猫咪进行手术改造
the least you could do is give it laser vision.
最少也能给猫咪装上个镭射眼
Talk about a missed opportunity!
很遗憾他们没这么做!
But hey, if you’re in the CIA and you’re watching this,
嘿 但是你如果在中情局目睹猫咪的手术过程
feel free to take our laser cat’s idea and run with it.
尽管去着手实现镭射猫这一想法吧
试验以一场可怕的灾难而告终
While the cyborg cat spy idea may have sounded like a great idea in theory,
虽然在理论上 半机械的间谍猫这一想法听起来还不错
the practical reality of half cat, half radio cyborg
但是实际上 装有无线电的半机械猫
didn’t quite pan out like the CIA had hoped.
并没有达到中情局原本的期望
Despite millions of dollars and countless hours of scientific innovation
尽管中情局在冷战时期的这个猫咪项目上
pouring into the Cold War cat project,
挥霍了数百万 并且耗费了不计其数的科技创新时间
the experiment went south as soon as the first live trial began.
但是首次活体试验开始后 整个实验就失败了
The CIA screwed the pooch, or feline
中情局特工把这只猫咪丢在公园后
after agents dropped the cat off in a park.
事情就搞砸了
The plan was to have the cat listen to a conversation
他们的计划是让猫咪去窃听
between two men sitting on a bench
坐在长凳上的两个人的对话
while the accompanying agents sat in an unmarked surveillance van not far away.
同时 陪同的特工坐在一辆不远处无标记的监视车中
As soon as they pulled the cat out of the van and set her down,
只要把猫从车里牵出去 让她就位
she decided to do her own thing.
她就会我行我素
And sadly, that thing involved walking right into oncoming traffic and getting hit by a taxi.
而且 令人失望的是 她径直走进迎面而来的车流 被出租车撞了
And she was making her way back to the embassy
然后她回到了大使馆
$10 million for 10 feats-worth of mission.
这是个花1000万美元只换10个成就的任务
That’s not even counting the cost of the cat funeral.
那甚至还不包括猫咪葬礼的费用
The agents were obviously stunned when their furry co-worker lost her ninth life.
猫咪死透时 特工显然是惊呆了
Ex-CIA agent Vincent Marchetti told The Telegraph
前中情局特工文森特·马尔凯蒂告诉《每日电讯报》
they were dumbfounded.
他们目瞪口呆
“There they were, sitting in the van with all those dials,
“他们就坐在全是仪表盘的大车里
and the cat was dead.”
而猫咪在外面死掉了”
Obviously this was a stunning loss.
很显然 这是一个令人震惊的损失
Imagine a sweet little cat surviving all those hours
试想一只可爱的小猫好不容易挺过了那所有的时间
of experimental surgery and training
所有做实验手术和训练的时间
only to get hit by a car on her first day of work.
却在工作的第一天就被车撞死了
Turns out curiosity didn’t kill the cat after all.
事实证明好奇心不会害死猫
A taxi did.
但出租车会害死猫
那只猫死后 中情局放弃了这个计划
While the feds tried their hardest
尽管政府官员们尽其所能
to make the cat intelligence agency happen,
让猫咪情报局成为现实
it was clear that our feline companions were not
但是很明显 我们的猫咪伙伴
even slightly interested in preserving our national security.
对维护国家安全这件事没有一丁点儿兴趣
Unfortunately, the CIA recognized this fact
不幸地是 中情局很晚才认识到这个事实
only after they hemorrhaged money and wasted countless hours
在耗费了大量资金和无数个小时
training a cat who clearly had no interest in being a spy.
去训练对间谍明显不感兴趣的猫咪之后 中情局才恍然大悟
The program ended as quickly and unceremoniously as the cat’s life ended.
那只猫咪死了后 这个计划就戛然而止了
In a dry and unintentionally hilarious memo,
在一份枯燥又莫名滑稽的备忘录中
the CIA announced, “Our final examination of trained cats convinced us
CIA宣称:“我们对受训练的猫咪进行了最终测试
that the program would not lend itself in a practical sense to our highly specialized needs.”
结果证实了这个项目没有实际意义 不能满足我们高度专业化的需求
In other words, you simply can’t train a cat.
换句话说 你就是无法去训练一只猫咪
Sorry, cats.
对不起了 猫咪们
But dogs are just better at helping humans.
但是 狗却更善于帮助人类
They can find dead bodies, sniff for drugs, play dead, express love,
狗能找到尸体 闻出毒品 装死 表达爱意
and they don’t even need wires in their tails to do it.
甚至不需要尾巴里的电线就能做到这些
Meanwhile cats can’t even be bothered to stay in their own yard.
而猫咪甚至懒得做自己的事情
But you never know when a CIA cat agent might come in handy.
但你永远不知道特工猫什么时候能派上用场
If US ever goes to war against a nation of mice,
如果美国和一个老鼠国开战
Operation Acoustic Kitty could get dusted off and rebooted.
那么“窃听小猫计划”就能东山再起 重新启动了
有些官员说这只猫从此过上了幸福生活
With all the secrecy that goes into the life and death of a spy,
因为这是关于间谍生死的秘密
it’s no wonder this story has multiple points of view.
所以难怪这个故事有多重版本
It’s actually been rumored that our short lived cyborg feline
事实上 有传言说这只短命的机械猫
didn’t perish as quickly as some say she did.
并不像有些人说的那样很快就死了
It’s possible that instead of dying on the job,
那只猫咪可能不是死于工作中
she was actually simply fired.
而只是被解雇了
According to Robert Wallace, the former director of the CIA’s Office of Technical Service,
根据前中情局技术服务部部长罗伯特·华莱士的说法
the Acoustic Kitty never died by taxicab as described in Marchetti’s book.
窃听小猫并不是像马尔凯蒂的书里写的那样死于出租车
Instead, she was actually fired after multiple failed test runs.
相反 它是在多次测试失败后被解雇的
In Wallace’s words,
用华莱士的话说
the project ended solely because cats are too difficult to train,
终止这个项目仅仅是因为猫咪太难训练了
not because their spy kitty got squished.
而不是因为间谍猫被压扁了
In the book, Beasts of War, The militarisation of Animals,
在《战争的野兽:动物的军事化》一书中
Wallace gives his side of the story.
华莱士从他的角度讲述了这个故事
“The equipment was taken out of the cat;
“猫咪体内的设备被取出
the cat was re-sewn for a second time,
接受了二次缝合
and lived a long and happy life afterwards.”
猫咪后来就过上了长寿幸福的生活”
Hopefully, this statement is true
但愿这种说法是真实的
and not just a way to get PETA off their backs.
而不是为了摆脱善待动物组织的纠缠
“窃听小猫计划”失败之后
Though Operation Feline ended up more like operation failure,
尽管“窃听小猫计划”以失败告终
the US military continues to look to nature for inspiration.
美军仍继续在大自然中寻找灵感
Some of the most cutting-edge micro drones were largely
一些最先进的微型无人机
based on hummingbirds and other tiny, fluttering creatures.
很大程度上模仿了蜂鸟和其他小型振翼生物
Since drones have to be small enough to go incognito,
因为无人机体型必须足够小才能不被发现
light enough to fly,
重量足够轻才能飞行
and large enough to carry a camera and a power source,
体积足够大才能携带摄像头和电源
it’s no wonder they’re plagiarizing from Earth’s cutest little creatures.
也难怪他们要抄袭这地球上最可爱的小生物
According to Popular Science,
根据《科技新时代》的报道
the military came up with two solutions that proved to be OK,
军方提出了两个确实可行的解决方案
but not, like, amazing.
但那也并不是很惊艳
The nano hummingbird, a 6.5-inch drone that puttered out
这是个六点五英寸的纳米蜂鸟无人机
after 11 minutes of flight,
能够续航飞行11分钟
and the DelFly Micro, which had a wingspan of less than four inches,
代尔夫特蝇的翼幅小于四英寸
but could fly only for three minutes.
却只能飞三分钟
It may not be a lot.
飞行时间可能是不够长
But it’s way more minutes than a cat can fly.
但至少能比猫咪飞的时间长
政府仍在努力把活物变成半机械体的间谍
In 2006, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, DARPA,
2006年 美国国防部高级研究计划局DARPA
made an open call to scientists
公开向科学家喊话
asking for innovative proposals to develop technology
要求提出促进科技发展的创新型提议
to create insect cyborgs.
从而创造出半机械体的昆虫
The truth of the matter was that drones,
事实是这些无人机
like the nano hummingbird and DelFly Micro,
像纳米蜂鸟和代尔夫特蝇
proved to pale in comparison to actual living, breathing, flying insects.
与那些能飞的活生生的昆虫比起来 还是逊色多了
According to Popular Science, the DARPA pamphlet read,
据《科技新时代》报道 DARPA的手册上写着
“Proof of existence of small scale flying machines
“小型飞行机器确实存在
is abundant in nature in the form of insects.
依据就是自然界中就存在大量的昆虫
It might be possible to transform insects into predictable devices
或许可以把昆虫改造成可控装置
that could be used for missions requiring unobtrusive entry into areas
用在需要低调潜入执行的任务中
inaccessible or hostile to humans.”
而潜入的地方是人类无法进入的 或者对人类有害的”
In other words, they’re turning insects into cyborg spies.
换句话说 他们要把昆虫变成机械间谍
If the enemy target can avoid the impulse to squash the bug,
如果目标敌人能够忍住拍死虫子的冲动
maybe they’ll spill their secrets to it.
那么敌人也许会泄密给间谍昆虫
One thing’s for sure,
但有一件事是肯定的
if we ever see a bug buzzing around our house,
如果我们看见房子里有一只虫子嗡嗡叫个不停
we’re keeping our mouths shut.
我们一定会紧闭嘴巴
The Cold War was a strange, intense time.
冷战时期弥漫着怪异 紧张的气氛
But no one had it tougher than the cats
但没有人比那些在“窃听小猫计划”中
who served our country in Operation Acoustic Kitty.
为国家服务的猫咪更痛苦了
If there’s anything our possibly fallen feline soldier can teach us today
如果 那些失败的猫咪战士能教会我们什么
it’s that you probably should look both ways
就是 你的机械猫过马路之前
before your robot cat body crosses the street.
你得先看看马路两边
How would you like your pet to become a CIA spy?
将你的宠物变成中情局间谍 你会怎么想呢?
Let us know in the comments below.
请在下方留言吧
And while you’re at it,
留言的时候
check out some of these other videos from our Weird History.
再看看我们《怪异历史》的其他视频噢

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视频概述

将可爱的猫咪训练成间谍?CIA的怪异事件列表上又新增一名成员了。

听录译者

收集自网络

翻译译者

Purplepearlॱଳ͘

审核员

审核员 EM

视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H3mtSGZImY

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