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放弃的能力

The Capacity to Give up on People

《生命学院》
For noble and very understandable reasons,
出于某些可以理解的高尚原因
we’ve come to associate maturity and kindness
我们以为学会不放弃他人
with a capacity not to give up on people.
就是成熟和善良的表现
Our heroes and heroines keep faith with those they love.
我们心中的英雄对他们所爱之人非常忠诚
They don’t throw in the towel when trouble rears its head.
当出现困难时 他们绝不认输
They put up with the hardships and friction.
他们忍受痛苦 冲突
Running away is disloyalty.
逃跑就是不忠
Many things are dispensable
许多东西都可有可无
people shouldn’t be.
但身边人却不是如此
But this broad and generous truth
而这个广为人知的真理
can be in danger of missing out on an important caveat
会陷入忽视一个警示的危险
that health and maturity may also require,
保持身体健康和心态成熟也要注意这个警示
at points, a subtle capacity to give up on one or two people,
有时 我们需要巧妙的放弃那么一两个人
not always and indefinitely to keep giving them the benefit of the doubt,
不能总是无止境的给他们发原谅卡
not invariably to forgive them one more time,
不要原谅他们一次又一次
not relentlessly to imagine the nice things they might really really have meant
他们言行举止的轻率粗鲁
beneath the thoughtless and unkind things they actually did and said.
不要不停地想象都是为了你好
We might need occasionally to despair of someone
作为对自己忠诚的代价
as the price to pay for keeping faith with ourselves.
我们可能偶尔会对某人感到绝望
It’s in the lives of children
在孩童时期
that we see this inability to give up on someone
我们发现自己无法采取最严厉
take on its starkest, and most regrettable forms.
最绝的方式放弃一个人
By their nature and circumstance,
根据他们的性质和环境
children cannot give up on those entrusted with looking after them
孩子们不能放弃受到委托照看他们的人
if and when the latter are disappointing or cruel
即使后者十分令人失望或非常残酷
children present us with troubling exemplars of the impulse
孩子们是冲动的典型 令人不安
to keep going at any cost
他们为了那个给予自己爱的人
with the person who offers us love
不惜一切代价
even when that love is blended with the darkest and most unhealthy elements.
即使这种爱非常黑暗和畸形
Even when beset by emotional neglect,
即使情感受到忽视
coldness, unreliability, meanness, brusqueness,
面对冷漠 失望 刻薄 唐突
broken promises to improve and worse,
无法兑现改善的承诺 甚至更糟
children will think some of the following:
孩子们会有如下想法
‘Maybe they will change’
也许他们会变的
The child places infinite faith in the capacity of the loved one to evolve in a desired direction.
孩子坚信所爱之人能朝着希望的方向发展
Whatever the lack of outward evidence,
即使缺乏外部证据
the child imagines the caregiver coming to important realisations,
孩子会想象 照顾自己的人快意识重点
rethinking their position and seeing the light.
他们重新定位自己 要去迎接光明了
By a form of magical thinking,
通过一种神奇的思维方式
the child clings to the idea of the adult
孩子执著于成人的思想
being on the cusp of transforming themselves into the person they so badly need them to be.
急于把自己变成他们迫切需要的样子
‘Maybe the outward behaviour is bad, but inside they are good’
“也许外在行为不好 但他们的内心是好的”
Heaven knows the outward stuff may not be pretty.
天知道 外面的人也许并不那么好
There might be shouting, stonewalling, outright beastliness…
可能有叫喊声 隔阂 暴虐的兽性……
but the child holds on to the notion that
但是这个孩子坚持认为
where it counts,the adult is good.
重要的是 成年人是善良的
The fundamental truth about them must be sound
关于他们的基本事实一定是合理的
the center of them is sweet, touching, warm and decent.
他们内心是甜蜜的 触动的 温暖的 得体的
The child may be the butt of the adult’s most vicious moods
孩子可能是成年人发泄最恶毒情绪的对象
but they are, through it all, always also their most devoted
但自始至终 孩子始终是他们最忠诚
and fervent defenders.
最热忱的捍卫者
‘Maybe the problem is that I am bad…’
“或许是因为我不好”
The difficulties can’t be disputed
这些困难无可争议
but their origins are up for grabs
但起源可以探讨
and here the child shows a tragically
这个孩子表现出一种强烈的
intense degree of imagination.
充满悲情的想象力
Yes, there is badness around,
是的 处处不顺心
but that must be because
但那无可厚非 因为
they, the child, are ultimately somehow to blame.
最终要受到责备的正是孩子们
If only they could be different,
如果他们不这样
the adult wouldn’t be so tricky.
成年人就不会那么狡猾了
There is one thought that must be warded off above all others
有一个想法无论如何都不能产生 那就是
that the adult might just be a mean and self-serving mediocrity.
成年人可能只是一个自私自利的平庸之辈
That is simply not possible.
这是不可能的
Better to be a monster or wretch oneself
还是做个怪物或坏蛋比较好
than to have ended up in the hands of a parent unworthy of respect.
而不是落在一个不值得尊重的父母手里
‘No one and nothing else could be better.’
没有人 也没有什么比这更好的了
Children have no options.
孩子们没有选择
They can’t run away,
他们不能逃跑
begin again or say they’ve had enough.
不能重新开始 也不能说自己已经受够了
The world isn’t broad.
世界并不宽广
The best of childhoods is an open prison.
美好的童年就像一个开放的监狱
Therefore, children don’t even picture themselves in
这样 孩子们就无法想象自己
other circumstances.
处于其他环境中的样子
What is has to be.
该怎样就怎样
Those who have the most to complain about
最爱抱怨的人
often don’t even raise their voice.
平常的说话声音就不高
Frighteningly, each of these positions
可怕的是 他们的每一种姿势
has its adult equivalent.
都和成年人的相对应
In certain unfulfilling relationships,
在某些不愉快的关系中
we may have as much of a skill
我们可能拥有一项
as the most unfortunate child
和其他不幸的孩子一样的技能
probably the child we once were
也许就是小时候的我们
at the art of justifying, why we are here,
在证明自己的艺术中 为什么我们在这
why we are to blame,
为什么我们要受责备
why they are innocent
为什么他们是无辜的
and why we cannot move.
还有为什么我们不能动
It is we in particular, those remorselessly skilled at not giving up,
尤其是我们这些不悔恨不放弃的人
who need to hear a curious-sounding lesson
需要上一堂教人不要愚忠的课
in being sometimes a little less loyal.
虽然这个课听起来有点新鲜
We need to hear that, surprisingly,
我们要知道 不可思议的是
some people just don’t change:
有些人就是不肯改
that their characters have been bolted shut through trauma
他们的个性因为创伤而被封闭
and there is no chance that they will ever
而且他们也不可能
– whatever they may say and however intensely they promise
无论他们说什么 承诺的多么坚定
– display any evolution.
显示任何进步
We need to hear that surprisingly,
我们要知道 不可思议的是
some people aren’t entirely good
有些人并不完全是好人
and we aren’t necessarily the problem.
而且我们不一定是问题所在
We need to learn to blame and get annoyed with someone other than ourselves.
我们需要学会去责备别人 去生别人的气
We need to do something very strange:
我们要做一些非常奇怪的事情
walk away.
走开
This is no sign of cowardice or weakness of character.
这不是性格懦弱或软弱的表现
It’s a sign that we have (finally) learnt to love ourselves
这是我们终于学会爱自己的标志
and so place our needs where these should always have been:
因此 把自己的需求放在各种顾虑的中心
at the center of our considerations.
这才是它应该在的地方
deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship
决定是否继续或结束一段关系
is one of the trickiest
是我们所能面对的
and most consequential decisions we can face
最棘手 最重要的决定之一
our stay or leave card game
留或走纸牌游戏
can help us towards an answer
可以帮助我们找到答案
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视频概述

小的时候我们总是过分依赖于自己的亲人,父母。长大以后我们要渐渐学会放弃的能力,这是我们成长的标志!

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视频来源

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDKOY0ZTDPI

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