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不适者如何呐喊自己的心声 – 译学馆
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不适者如何呐喊自己的心声

The beauty of being a misfit | Lidia Yuknavitch

我知道 TED 总是谈一些大事
So I know TED is about a lot of things that are big,
但是我想讲一件微不足道的小事
but I want to talk to you about something very small.
小到只有一个词
So small, it’s a single word.
“异类。”
The word is “misfit.”
这是我最喜欢的词, 因为简单明了
It’s one of my favorite words, because it’s so literal.
这样的人是一个无法融入,
I mean, it’s a person who sort of missed fitting in.
或者融入得很差的人,
Or a person who fits in badly.
或者“一个很难适应
Or this: “a person who is poorly adapted
新位置和新环境的人。”
to new situations and environments.”
我是真正的异类。
I’m a card-carrying misfit.
我代表这里的所有异类站在这里,
And I’m here for the other misfits in the room,
因为我并不孤单。
because I’m never the only one.
我将讲述一个异类的故事。
I’m going to tell you a misfit story.
在我三十岁出头的时候,
Somewhere in my early 30s,
成为作家的梦想在向我招手。
the dream of becoming a writer came right to my doorstep.
准确地说我在我的邮箱里
Actually, it came to my mailbox
发现了一封信 信上说我写的小说
in the form of a letter that said I’d won a giant literary prize
为我赢得了一份大奖。
for a short story I had written.
小说讲述了 一名历经糟糕的家庭生活的
The short story was about my life as a competitive swimmer
优秀的游泳运动员的故事,
and about my crappy home life,
还有一些关于 悲痛和困惑如何让人抓狂的情节。
and a little bit about how grief and loss can make you insane.
赢得的奖励是 去纽约和知名的编辑、代理
The prize was a trip to New York City to meet big-time editors and agents
和其他作家见面。
and other authors.
这是每个作家的梦想,对吧?
So kind of it was the wannabe writer’s dream, right?
各位知道我看到信后做了什么吗?
You know what I did the day the letter came to my house?
因为我是不适者,
Because I’m me,
我把信放在厨房桌子上,
I put the letter on my kitchen table,
给自己倒了一大杯加了冰和柠檬的
I poured myself a giant glass of vodka
伏特加,
with ice and lime,
就这样穿着内衣看着那封信
and I sat there in my underwear for an entire day,
坐了一整天。
just staring at the letter.
我在考虑以前 把我的生活毁了的各种方式。
I was thinking about all the ways I’d already screwed my life up.
那个要去纽约装作是一位作家的我
Who the hell was I to go to New York City
到底是谁?
and pretend to be a writer?
我是谁?
Who was I?
我来告诉各位。
I’ll tell you.
我是一个异类。
I was a misfit.
就像千千万万其他的孩子,
Like legions of other children,
我来自一个受虐待的家庭,
I came from an abusive household
只不过我侥幸逃脱了。
that I narrowly escaped with my life.
在我的生命中已经 经历了两次婚姻的大失败。
I already had two epically failed marriages underneath my belt.
我考大学失败了两次,
I’d flunked out of college not once but twice
也许会有第三次 我不会告诉你们的。
and maybe even a third time that I’m not going to tell you about.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我还有一段戒毒的美妙经历。
And I’d done an episode of rehab for drug use.
我还在监狱里度过两次假。
And I’d had two lovely staycations in jail.
所以我应该站在这里。
So I’m on the right stage.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
但是我想,真正的原因是 我是一个异类。
But the real reason, I think, I was a misfit,
我的女儿在出生的那天就去世了,
is that my daughter died the day she was born,
我当时根本无法接受这件事。
and I hadn’t figured out how to live with that story yet.
女儿去世后我无家可归了一段时间,
After my daughter died I also spent a long time homeless,
住在一个天桥下。
living under an overpass
那种无尽的悲痛和困惑
in a kind of profound state of zombie grief and loss
是很多人一生中都会遇到的。
that some of us encounter along the way.
如果活得够久 也许所有人都会遇到。
Maybe all of us, if you live long enough.
无家可归的人是 我们之中最伟大的异类,
You know, homeless people are some of our most heroic misfits,
因为从那时起他们 就成为了我这样的人。
because they start out as us.
可以看到我与所有的生活格格不入:
So you see, I’d missed fitting in to just about every category out there:
作为女儿,作为妻子, 作为妈妈,作为学者。
daughter, wife, mother, scholar.
而想要成为作家的梦想
And the dream of being a writer
也一直如鲠在喉。
was really kind of like a small, sad stone in my throat.
我没有理会自己的不适 就登上了飞机,
It was pretty much in spite of myself that I got on that plane
准备前往纽约
and flew to New York City,
和各位作家见面。
where the writers are.
异类们, 我几乎可以看到你们头上的光芒。
Fellow misfits, I can almost see your heads glowing.
我可以在屋子里认出你来。
I can pick you out of a room.
一开始旅程是美妙的。
At first, you would’ve loved it.
每个人可以选择三位最想见的知名作家
You got to choose the three famous writers you wanted to meet,
会有人为你联系他们。
and these guys went and found them for you.
大家下榻在格拉梅西公园酒店,
You got set up at the Gramercy Park Hotel,
在那里可以和 出色,聪明,华丽的人喝
where you got to drink Scotch late in the night
苏格兰威士忌直到深夜。
with cool, smart, swank people.
你要装作同样出色,聪明,华丽。
And you got to pretend you were cool and smart and swank, too.
你会在无比精美的午餐和晚宴中
And you got to meet a bunch of editors and authors and agents
会见一系列的编辑作家和经纪人。
at very, very fancy lunches and dinners.
快问我多么精美。
Ask me how fancy.
观众:有多么精美?
Audience: How fancy?
我承认我从三个不同的饭店偷了三块
Lidia Yuknavitch: I’m making a confession: I stole three linen napkins —
(笑声)
(Laughter)
亚麻餐巾。
from three different restaurants.
我还在裤子里藏了一张菜单。
And I shoved a menu down my pants.
(笑声)
(Laughter)
我只是想在我回家时 还能看到一些我带回来的纪念品
I just wanted some keepsakes so that when I got home,
让我相信我真的去过这里。
I could believe it had really happened to me.
你明白么?
You know?
我想见的三位作家是
The three writers I wanted to meet
卡罗尔·马索,琳恩·蒂尔曼 和佩吉·费伦。
were Carole Maso, Lynne Tillman and Peggy Phelan.
她们不算是最知名和畅销的作家,
These were not famous, best-selling authors,
但是我把她们奉若神明。
but to me, they were women-writer titans.
卡罗尔·马索的书 后来成为了我的艺术指导。
Carole Maso wrote the book that later became my art bible.
琳恩·蒂尔曼 给了我信心让我相信
Lynne Tillman gave me permission to believe
将来我的故事 会被世界上的人所知晓。
that there was a chance my stories could be part of the world.
佩吉·费伦则提醒我
And Peggy Phelan reminded me
我的头脑比胸部更加重要。
that maybe my brains could be more important than my boobs.
她们不是主流女作家,
They weren’t mainstream women writers,
但是她们用自己的故事题材 在主流文学中
but they were cutting a path through the mainstream
独树一帜,
with their body stories,
另辟蹊径。
I like to think, kind of the way water cut the Grand Canyon.
能和这三位
It nearly killed me with joy
50多岁的女作家聊天 快把我乐疯了。
to hang out with these three over-50-year-old women writers.
因为我从来不知道
And the reason it nearly killed me with joy
生活可以这么开心。
is that I’d never known a joy like that.
我的生活中从来没有 打开过这样美好的一扇门。
I’d never been in a room like that.
我的母亲没有上过大学。
My mother never went to college.
从这一点来说我的创作生涯
And my creative career to that point
本来就是一个很小的,卑微的, 会胎死腹中的事。
was a sort of small, sad, stillborn thing.
在纽约的前几天 我希望就死在那里。
So kind of in those first nights in New York I wanted to die there.
我想说“杀了我吧。 我要葬在这美好之中。”
I was just like, “Kill me now. I’m good. This is beautiful.”
接下来发生了什么 屋子里的一些人会理解。
Some of you in the room will understand what happened next.
首先,他们把我带到了 法勒,斯特劳斯和吉鲁的办公室。
First, they took me to the offices of Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
法勒,斯特劳斯和吉鲁 是我的终极梦想出版社。
Farrar, Straus and Giroux was like my mega-dream press.
艾略特的诗集和弗兰纳里·奥康纳 的小说都在那里出版。
I mean, T.S. Eliot and Flannery O’Connor were published there.
主编让我坐下和我聊了很久,
The main editor guy sat me down and talked to me for a long time,
一直在试图让我相信我写了一本关于
trying to convince me I had a book in me
我自己是游泳运动员的书。
about my life as a swimmer.
就像用备忘录让我回忆一样。
You know, like a memoir.
整个谈话期间
The whole time he was talking to me,
我双手交叉在胸前 不住地微笑和点头,
I sat there smiling and nodding like a numb idiot,
却一句话都不说,
with my arms crossed over my chest,
麻木的像个傻子。
while nothing, nothing, nothing came out of my throat.
最后他像一个游泳教练一样
So in the end, he patted me on the shoulder
拍了拍我的肩膀。
like a swim coach might.
他祝我好运
And he wished me luck
送了我几本免费的书
and he gave me some free books
请我出去了。
and he showed me out the door.
接下来他们让我去 W.W.诺顿的办公室,
Next, they took me to the offices of W.W. Norton,
我以为穿了马腾斯博士靴的我
where I was pretty sure I’d be escorted from the building
一定会有人陪同一起过去。
just for wearing Doc Martens.
但是并没有人陪我。
But that didn’t happen.
在诺顿的办公室里
Being at the Norton offices
就像身处洪荒,摘星揽月
felt like reaching up into the night sky and touching the moon
群星闪烁 在无尽的宇宙中编织着我的名字。
while the stars stitched your name across the cosmos.
这是我人生中多么重大的一件事啊。
I mean, that’s how big a deal it was to me.
你明白了么?
You get it?
他们的主编,卡罗尔·霍克史密斯,
Their lead editor, Carol Houck Smith,
靠在我面前 闪烁着有神,明亮,犀利的目光
leaned over right in my face with these beady, bright, fierce eyes
跟我说:“寄给我 你的一些作品,马上!”
and said, “Well, send me something then, immediately!”
大部分人,尤其是来能TED的人
See, now most people, especially TED people,
马上会去寄,对吧?
would have run to the mailbox, right?
而我花了很久的时间来思考
It took me over a decade to even imagine
要不要做这件事。
putting something in an envelope and licking a stamp.
在最后一天晚上
On the last night,
我在全国诗歌俱乐部 做了一场读书会。
I gave a big reading at the National Poetry Club.
在读书会结束的时候,
And at the end of the reading,
凯德公司的凯瑟琳·凯德 和霍伊特与皮卡德文学社的人
Katharine Kidde of Kidde, Hoyt & Picard Literary Agency,
径直走向我与我握手
walked straight up to me and shook my hand
当场让我做他们的代表
and offered me representation, like, on the spot.
我像失聪了一样站在那里。
I stood there and I kind of went deaf.
这种事发生在各位身上过么?
Has this ever happened to you?
我几乎要哭了出来
And I almost started crying
因为所有屋子里的人都如此华丽
because all the people in the room were dressed so beautifully,
然而我却只能说
and all that came out of my mouth was:
“我不知道,我要再想想”那样的话。
“I don’t know. I have to think about it.”
她说:“当然。”然后离开了。
And she said, “OK, then,” and walked away.
尽管很多人伸来了橄榄枝 我仍然如鲠在喉
All those open hands out to me, that small, sad stone in my throat …
各位,我尽量告诉大家 像我这样的人的感受。
You see, I’m trying to tell you something about people like me.
异类经常不知道 怎样期待和回答
Misfit people — we don’t always know how to hope or say yes
也不知道在大事面前如何选择。
or choose the big thing,
哪怕它们就在我们面前。
even when it’s right in front of us.
这是我们身上的耻辱。
It’s a shame we carry.
这是想接受美好时 就会有的耻辱。
It’s the shame of wanting something good.
这是想感受美好时 就会有的耻辱。
It’s the shame of feeling something good.
这种耻辱让我们不敢相信 我们应该和那些我们敬仰的人
It’s the shame of not really believing we deserve to be in the room
站在同一个屋檐下。
with the people we admire.
如果可以回到过去 我要像那些
If I could, I’d go back and I’d coach myself.
50多岁的女人告诉我的那样 告诫自己。
I’d be exactly like those over-50-year-old women who helped me.
我要教自己去诉说我的需求,
I’d teach myself how to want things,
站起来,要回属于我的东西。
how to stand up, how to ask for them.
我会跟我自己说:“你! 就是你!你应该在这个屋子里。”
I’d say, “You! Yeah, you! You belong in the room, too.”
只有和大家团结在一起,
The radiance falls on all of us,
每个人才是光芒四射的。
and we are nothing without each other.
可现实是,我飞回了俄勒冈,
Instead, I flew back to Oregon,
看着窗外的雨拍打着常青树
and as I watched the evergreens and rain come back into view,
我不禁借酒浇愁。
I just drank many tiny bottles of airplane “feel sorry for yourself.”
我想就算我是一个作家 我也只是作家中的异类。
I thought about how, if I was a writer, I was some kind of misfit writer.
我想说,
What I’m saying is,
我回到俄勒冈, 没有签下一个书约,
I flew back to Oregon without a book deal,
没有经纪人同行,
without an agent,
有的只是满满的回忆。
and with only a headful and heart-ful of memories
我曾经和那些美丽的作家
of having sat so near
离得那么近。
the beautiful writers.
回忆是我给自己的奖励。
Memory was the only prize I allowed myself.
然后当我回到家的黑暗中,
And yet, at home in the dark,
穿回我的内衣,
back in my underwear,
我还能够听见她们的声音。
I could still hear their voices.
她们说:“不要让任何 试图让你闭嘴的人
They said, “Don’t listen to anyone who tries to get you to shut up
改变你的故事。”
or change your story.”
她们说:“表达只有你 才知道的感受。”
They said, “Give voice to the story only you know how to tell.”
她们说:“有时候写书可以
They said, “Sometimes telling the story
改变你的一生。”
is the thing that saves your life.”
现在,我也50多岁了。
Now I am, as you can see, the woman over 50.
我是一个作家。
And I’m a writer.
我是一位母亲。
And I’m a mother.
我也成为了一名老师。
And I became a teacher.
猜猜我最喜欢的学生是谁。
Guess who my favorite students are.
我写了一篇回忆录,
Although it didn’t happen the day
尽管不是从邮筒拿出信的
that dream letter came through my mailbox,
那一天写的,
I did write a memoir,
叫做“似水年华”。
called “The Chronology of Water.”
书里讲述的是我如何在 人生选择的废墟中
In it are the stories of how many times I’ve had to reinvent a self
重生的故事。
from the ruins of my choices,
书里讲述的是那些 我的失败如何奇迹般地
the stories of how my seeming failures were really just weird-ass portals
通向美好的故事。
to something beautiful.
我要做的就是让大家听到我的故事。
All I had to do was give voice to the story.
每一种文化中都有追梦的神话,
There’s a myth in most cultures about following your dreams.
大多数叫做英雄之路。
It’s called the hero’s journey.
不过我更喜欢另一种神话,
But I prefer a different myth,
一种过程不同,
that’s slightly to the side of that
不为人所知的神话,
or underneath it.
叫做异类的神话。
It’s called the misfit’s myth.
它是这样的:
And it goes like this:
即使那时候你失败了,
even at the moment of your failure,
失败的你也是美好的。
right then, you are beautiful.
你可能没有发觉
You don’t know it yet,
那个不断地
but you have the ability to reinvent yourself
试图重生的你
endlessly.
是最美丽的。
That’s your beauty.
你可以醉酒,
You can be a drunk,
你可以从虐待中逃脱出来,
you can be a survivor of abuse,
你可以有前科,
you can be an ex-con,
你可以无家可归,
you can be a homeless person,
你可以失去所有的钱, 工作甚至另一半,
you can lose all your money or your job or your husband
或者最难过的莫过于,
or your wife, or the worst thing of all,
你失去了你的孩子,
a child.
甚至失去理智。
You can even lose your marbles.
你站在失败的正中心,
You can be standing dead center in the middle of your failure
此时我要告诉你,
and still, I’m only here to tell you,
你是那么美好。
you are so beautiful.
你的故事应该被大家听到
Your story deserves to be heard,
因为你是稀有的,是独特的, 是独一无二的异类,
because you, you rare and phenomenal misfit,
这个屋子里
you new species,
只有你可以
are the only one in the room
用只有你才会的方式
who can tell the story
来讲述你的故事。
the way only you would.
而我会静静地聆听。
And I’d be listening.
谢谢。
Thank you.
(掌声)
(Applause)

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